PressPoke

George Lucas to Flog a Dead Horse in 3D

2010-10-04T14:27:00.006+01:00

Filmmaker George Lucas is to film himself beating a dead horse with a smug face whilst a lot of naive pricks with Buddy Holly glasses watch him, he announced this week.

3D or not, could you just piss off!

The multimillionaire announced that this new film will take "selling the same product over and over again to the next level of disgusting, talentless capitalistic greed.

"It's an exciting prospect," he added.

The movie entitled Star Wars: An Old Rope is expected to make even more money alongside its prequels...or sequels or whatever the fuck they are. Social commentator and film critic Paul Jackson laid this capital phenomena down to what he called "imbeciles" who are "so short sighted and biased that they would buy the bricks George Lucas lays in his bog on a Sunday afternoon.

"Which would actually be a more worthwhile purchase than a ticket to The Phantom Menace in 3D," he added, "At least a turd laying in the bottom of the pan won't start flying at you in the form of Ewan McGregor doing a poor impersonation of Alec Guinness."

Experts have estimated that the aforementioned movie will cause outbreaks of violence in cinemas across the world as thousands attempt to punch JarJar Binks in his stupid pink twattish face and end up hitting the person in front of them in the back of the head.

"It's led to many meetings with health and safety bodies," said Jake Lyndhall at the UK Film Council, "With any luck they'll decree the series as inciting hatred and rioting and that'll put a stop to Lucas.

"When I think of that man I have the disturbing mental image of a man raping his own child whilst holding his hand under it's mouth as it vomits currency. He really needs to be stopped."

But Lucas defends his decision, "I've made a lot of money off of one idea, and I was wondering how I could make even more. I've made three prequels that were proper monkey shit, five cartoon series, and approximately 1.3 billion videogames based on one franchise. But I didn't deter, I struggled on, I thought to myself 'How can I take this further? How can I squeeze this extraordinarily vacuous tit of some more delicious dollarmilk?'

"Then I saw Avatar and that James Cameron had made more money than an entire third world nation off the back of an overhyped gimmick and I thought 'Y'know what, that's how!'

"So I'm grabbing hold of that tit and squeezing it 'til it bleeds...go see Star Wars 3D."

Adam Sandler as Funny as an Abortion say Experts

2010-09-28T13:09:00.001+01:00

Film and comedy critics around the world have announced that with the release of Grown Ups it is clear that Adam Sandler is as funny as a backstreet abortion of a healthy 24-week old foetus with a knitting needle.

Ho ho! ...it's all relative.

Film critic Paul Jackson said that upon viewing Sandler's latest release he "had a sudden screaming revelation. The revelation that something could be less funny than Little Nicky.

"Up until that point I had thought that this feat was a physical impossibility, like travelling faster than the speed of light. But this latest putrid dog turd of a movie was so bad I broke three toes, curling them up whilst cringing at Chris Rock ruining his reputation."

Another critic noted, "I have seen less childishness in a playground, less misogyny in the Koran and more moral fibre in Mein Kampf.

"But most of all, I've been to funerals that were more entertaining than this pile of shit."

So bad is the film, that it has urged a Channel 4 show into production entitled Top 100 Things That Are More Fun than Watching Grown Ups. The list includes timeless classics such as route canal surgery and wiping your arse with sandpaper but some enlightening interviews with Z-listers including Davina McCall, Cat Deeley and every person to ever enter the Big Brother house has revealed some more obscure choices such as:

Having an endoscopy. (David Letterman)
Vacuuming the Sahara desert. (James Caan)
Dunking my balls into an operating blender. (Jeremy Clarkson)
Watching someone else read. (Hillary Duff)
Trying to eat air. (Miley Cyrus)
Inserting Excalibur into my japseye. (John Tickle)
Feeling my fingernails grow. (Ryan Reynolds)
Severing our arse cheeks and sitting in a pool of vinegar. (T4 Presenters)
Performing fellatio on a banker and telling him "Now I get to suck you dry, you naughty, naughty boy!" (Joe McElderry)

Jake Lyndhall, a recruitment consultant from Essex who had just seen Grown Ups, commented outside the cinema: "Once upon a time when I was about ten years old I was walking home from school. It was getting dark and I bumped into Alex Barnfield, the local school bully, he was one of those people who had the physique of a Minotaur at the age of eleven. He chased me for four or five miles through back alleys, cornfields and dense woodland.

"Eventually I spied a tree stump next to a fence, the one thing I had over Alex Barnfield was my ability to jump, I had recently been awarded the certificate for being the best high jumper in form 6B. It was a high fence but I thought 'I can do this! This will separate us and I will lose him and not get my head caved in by that brute of young man.'

"I used the stump as a launch pad and my adrenaline drenched thigh muscles dispensed all their strength into ascending me over that fence.

"99% of me made it over that fence. Unfortunately the 1% that didn't was my two testicles that remained hung by the spermatic chord on a rusty nail as I screamed with incomprehensible pain in Mrs. Peterson's back garden.

"Once he had climbed the fence Alex Barnfield called an ambulance, the event induced sympathy out of person who is now in Whitemoor maximum security prison for excessive GBH. As he was in Mrs Peterson's house making the call her dog came out, licked my groin injuries and then sqautted and shat on my face leaving me partially blind in one eye.

"Yet all that, all that I went through, was like having a full body massage from Megan Fox with a happy ending compared to watching Grown Ups.

"I now don't know who I hate more in life, Alex Barnfield, Adam Sandler or Mrs Peterson's dog."

Mental Fascist Invades Britain

2010-09-17T13:20:00.004+01:00

A mentally ill fascist bigot known as "Pope Benedict XVI" has invaded British shores and has been welcomed by three people who can't think for themselves and a border collie called Sally.

Lunatic.

The insane subject, who dresses completely in white, plans to tour around Britain in a giant vending machine on wheels, talking to his imaginary friend with anyone loony enough to join in with him. He will then tell us that we all need to talk to his imaginary friend, and if we don't, his imaginary friend will send us to another dimension made of fire for eternity.

On hearing this declaration Jake Lyndhall, a social worker from Croydon said: "Hmmm...sounds like the ravings of a proper maniac to me. Has he been on the crack?"

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Crazy Nutter Studies at the University of Stratton confirmed that Ratzinger is indeed mentally unstable. "The man talks to someone who can't be seen or heard, that is the first sign a schizophrenia. Many other factors also point towards mental instability, for example, he recently told people in Africa that condoms increase the spread of AIDS.

"Now, I understand he's the head of some religious organisation or something which means his whole purpose is to say statements based on absolutely nothing as if they were facts, but come on! Even for a Pope, that's fucking loonshit!"

Continuing on the tour, the Pope is expected to stop by and visit Ian Huntley and then Jamie Bulger's killers giving them a warm greeting and to apologise for "not getting to them in time" in order to give them "the cover up that they deserved".

The tour will end with him telling the country that his imaginary friend has a list of ten things that he doesn't want us to do, and if we do these things he will send us to the fire dimension where we will scream in merciless pain and suffering until the end of time...but also that he loves us.

"Unless you're a faggot Marmite miner," added Benedict, "then you get a fasttrack pass straight to Satan's shithole."

If we obey then we are greeted with eternal bliss which the Vatican has promised to the best kind of joy imaginable. Father Vicenza claimed with a gleeful smile that "it's an even better feeling than the tight grip of a choir boy's rectum!"

Meanwhile, Benedict XVI's right hand man, Cardinal Kasper has labelled Britain a "Third World country". Matthew Doman from North London commented: "A third world country he says? Oh no, I think he's confusing us with Botswana. You see, we don't have a raging AIDS epidemic because some fucking whacko told the vulnerably uneducated that they shouldn't wear a connie."

However, many have found positive aspects of the Nazi's visit. Jason Flint from Glasgow told PressPoke, "My little one loves the Popemobile and he even asked his Holiness if he could have a ride in it! Didn't you, you cheeky rascal!"

The eight year old responded, "Yes, and he told me I couldn't but if I went and saw Father O'Doyle he'd sort me out with some kind of ride."

"This is How Ya Do It!" say Muslims

2010-09-10T15:15:00.007+01:00

Muslims around the world have demonstrated to Pastor Terry Jones how to do a hate filled, racist protest properly.

Pastor Terry Jones...apparently.

Jones, the only Pastor in the world to run a Church smaller than his moustache, pulled out from his plan to burn a couple of copies of the Koran on September 11th. In response Muslims across the Middle-East have grouped together to desecrate American flags, pictures of Terry Jones and shout for Allah to send an eternity's worth of agonising pain, AIDS and rape upon American women and children.

A sign in Pakistan read, "Death to America and Pastor Jones for having no balls!"

One woman who had just ripped apart the Stars and Stripes using only her teeth said, "The West make us laugh until we vomit and become very angry! They think they can be racist bigots. HA! We show you how to be a racist bigot Pastor Terry Jones!

She then ran away adding, "ALLALALALALALALALLALAH!!!"

Imran Bakish, a thirty-four year old Muslim who enjoys commanding theological death upon the West in his spare time said, "All we are saying is if you're gonna do it, do it properly.

"Don't spend the whole week stirring the shit and acting all Billy Big Bollocks and then right at the last moment pussying out because you 'got a message from God'

"And for Mohammed's sake, go full out! Burning a couple of books? That's amateur stuff. Descend into the streets yelling for merciless torture and destruction upon an entire group of people purely because of their race, nationality or religion - the more rage induced xenophobia, the better.

"Finally, put some effort in and build some effigies. We made an effigy of you Pastor Jones, and then set it alight and tore it apart like rabid dogs. It took us little over half an hour - it's not hard. In fact the ones we made of you could have been anyone, half of them didn't even have a ridiculous moustache that resembles the bottom end of a broom. My mate Mohammed - no not that one - he premakes them ready for the next hate campaign against the West. He has about twenty in his mum's basement right now. He often says to me, 'Hey Imran, do you know when the next effigy burning's going to be?' and I say 'Ah, probably in a couple of months we'll find something to shout a shitstorm about.'

"See, it's just a matter of preparation, a little imagination, some glue, idiocy and a box of matches.

"Grow some balls you stupid old bastard."

Millions Mishear and Burn a Kerrang!

2010-09-08T14:50:00.005+01:00

People all over the world have reportedly misheard Pastor Terry Jones' calls to burn a copy of the Koran on September 11th and instead have whole heartedly began setting alight to copies of teen grunge mag Kerrang!

Retro copies will definitely be burned!

Jake Lyndhall from Croydon, heard about Pastor Jones' cause on the radio, he then went and stockpiled over five hundred copies of Kerrang! magazine and invited all his friends, family and neighbours over to burn the lot.

"I heard what Pastor Jones was doing," said Mr. Lyndhall, "and I thought, 'That's a bloody great idea!' I once picked up a copy of that magazine in a Tesco Express and it was chocka full of narcissistic pricks, PR dictated music 'reviews' and general nonsensical bullshit.

"So yeah, I went out and bought south London's entire stock and thought I'd make a night of it. Loads of us are gonna have a right good laugh burning, ripping and shitting on copies of Kerrang! We've got some party games as well, such as pin-the-flaming-arrow-on-Anthony-Kiedis'-twatish-face (July '06 edition) and Kerrang! bobbing in a dirty bog."

Millions across the world have gleefully joined in with the mass destruction of the magazine unaware that the hate campaign was originally aimed at destroying the Islamic holy book, the Koran.

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Social Sciences at Stratton University commented: "The ironic thing to arise out of all of this is that burning copies of Kerrang! magazine on 9/11 makes just as much sense as burning the Koran.

"The people who flew those planes into the Twin Towers had about as much to do with Kerrang! magazine as they did with the Koran. You can attach whatever you want to a terrorist cause but at the end of the day all they're just raving bloody nutters.

"In fact if they'd said they'd done it because of Kerrang! we all would have found an interview with some mental Norwegian black metal band who supported terrorism against the US, pinned it on the entire country and maybe we would have ended that war within the same fucking year!"

Meanwhile Jake Lyndhall said, "Kor...Koran? Oh, Koran! As in the centrepiece of the Muslim religion. Ah, I see. Haha, I thought he said 'Kerrang!' Oh, haha, what a mix up! But, hang on...he wanted to...to do that? To the Koran? Oh, Jesus Christ! He's a fucking mentalist!"

Tony Blair's Memoirs Retitled "A Journey to the Centre of Hell"

2010-08-31T21:45:00.006+01:00

Tony Blair's memoirs which are to be released on Wednesday have gone through two title reformations, from The Journey to A Journey and finally, A Journey to the Centre of Hell.

"I don't give a shit if you're Catholic."

The issue surrounding the title of the book as been laid down to various marketing strategies by publisher Random House. A spokesman said: "The concern originally was that the 'The Journey' sounded too egocentric, some said it was even approaching messianic so we made the snap decision to change it to 'A Journey'.

"However, when we thought about it for a while we said to each other 'hang on, Tony Blair isn't messianic at all, he's the opposite. The bloke's an absolute bastard!' so we added on '...to the Centre of Hell' because that's certainly where he's heading."

Another major alteration to the book will be a 500 page epilogue that has been written by a ghost writer describing Tony's future journey through the nine layers of Lucifer's evil domain. Readers can enjoy detailed descriptions of how he will face Cerberus, the three headed demon dog before swimming through a thirty mile lake of fire only to be tortured by faceless harpies for eternity using a pineapple, a pair of rusty wire cutters and a naked spectre of Ann Widecombe.

"Tony wasn't entirely happy with this addition," said the Random House spokesman Jake Lyndhall, "but y'know, we've got books to shift and we want to appeal to a demographic that consists of more than sixty year old Telegraph readers and Oxbridge students called Ralph and Edgar.

"Oh, and also we've removed his opening quote which was originally,

"All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions." - Adlai E. Stevenson

and replaced it with...

bastard noun

A person born out of wedlock.
A viscous, despicable or thoroughly unliked person.

e.g. Oi Frank, isn't that Tony Blair a right bastard!
Yeah, what a cunt.

"He didn't like that much either," added Mr. Lyndhall.

Critics are already raving about the book and especially the epilogue, one noted "a great bit" towards the end "where he has to face his own sins in the third circle of hell and so he gets to experience what it's like to have armed soldiers bust down his front door and murder his wife whilst a mortar shell blows his childrens' arms and legs off.

"That was top stuff!"

Facebook Expand Orwellian Empire

2010-08-23T12:39:00.004+01:00

Personal details guzzler Facebook have released a new feature that tracks where you are, what you're doing and what kind of toilet paper you use to wipe your arse, it was revealed today.

Big Brother is Watching You

The feature, entitled 'Places' will allow Facebook users to update their status with their current location on the Earth's surface which the social media giant says "will significantly enhance their social experience".

However, today Mark Zuckerberg, the smug little nerdy shit who founded Facebook, admitted that it was all a guise in order to gain even more precious personal details of half a billion people.

"Facebook profiles have become ID cards on a global scale," he said chuckling, "and the best thing is they're voluntary!

"We've expanded our ID scheme slowly and have successfully made 500 million people tell us absolutely everything about them. People forget that when Facebook started all you put in was your name, university and a picture of you petting your cat. Now I can tell you where any Facebook user is at this exact moment, as well as who they are romantically engaged with and which nostril they picked this morning.

"Come on, test me!" he added laughing manically, "TEST ME!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAGH!!"

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Political Sciences at the University of Stratton has warned against this for a long time: "I started growing weary of Facebook back in 2008 when they seemed to think it was perfectly fine to start splashing your personal details around like a drunk scouser having a slash.

"Every company with a name has a Facebook application so that they can access every little bit of information about you, you reckon the CIA and MI5 don't have access to that also? Herr Zuckerburg was only talking to the Prime Minister and President Obama a few weeks ago!

"They are literally ID cards, think about it; you have a unique ID number, your actual name, your gender, age, where you were educated, where you grew up, what you enjoy doing and even your taste in books, music and movies. That's more than they could fit on a sodding ID card and the ironic thing is we've gone to the fucking trouble of making them ourselves!

"All these people were protesting in Whitehall a year ago about Gordon Brown trying to introduce ID cards and they were updating their statuses at the same time - 'In Whitehall telling the government to shove their Orwellian policies up their arse! Hands off our personal details!' - you bloody idiots! You've already given it all to them with a nice updated profile picture of you causing drunken havoc in Baskingstoke town centre!"

Zuckerberg commented: "The best thing about people is that 99% of them won't give two squirts of piss if something infringes upon their basic human rights as long as it makes telling their friends about their pointless little lives that much easier."

Music gets you Muntered, reveals Daily Mail

2010-08-05T14:22:00.005+01:00

British tabloid paper The Daily Mail, has revealed the shocking news that listening to some music on YouTube can get you absolutely spanked off your tits.

Only 79p on iTunes!

The report is being taken seriously by the appropriate authorities, the police have said that they are now "fully committed to clamping down on what has been dubbed 'i-Dosing'."

However, some Daily Mail readers are not satisfied with such responses. Lindsay Gloin who lives in a tiny apartment that she never leaves for fear of being stabbed and/or raped, said, "They get access to these i-Doses on YouTube, and the police have admitted that you can't ban videos on there just because they have a tempo of 5900 beats per minute and were made by a German.

"So if we can't ban i-Doses how the hell are we going to get round to banning all the other things like premarital sex, fun and Asian people?"

Unlike the Daily Mail we found an "i-Doser" to talk to about his traumatic experiences with the digital drug. "I started not by using but by dealing. I'd knock up thirty hardcore trance tunes a day on my iMac and deal them out on CDs in Camden. If people came to my house I could give them sixty tracks on a flash drive as a package deal.

"One day the temptation got too much and I plugged-in to sample my own shit. After that I was hooked - it's like any drug, you know it's bad but you can't help going back. Of course I knew that the sound of 60 layered bass synths transposed over the top off a dude repeating 'Himmelsreise in meinem Kopf' was utter shit, it sounded like a robot being raped, but I couldn't help it and would return to those ear buds time and time again.

"Eventually I was found on top of some high rise flats in Hackney flapping my arms screaming that I was going to fly to Alpha Centuari 'im meine Rocketship!'"

Local police officer Paul Jackson said, "It's cases like this young man's that show the danger of i-Dosing and we must thank all those, and especially The Daily Mail, who have brought such a genuine threat to our attention.

"Thank you The Daily Mail for not being infested with the shitty kind of diatribe that the other papers are simply to make gargantuan amounts of money off of petrified, mentally challenged xenophobes.

"We salute you!"

Sarah Palin talks "Utter Nonsense", say Experts

2010-07-28T13:36:00.008+01:00

Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska, has been exposed by top political scientists for "making about as much sense as a cellophane Maxi pad."

"Counting's easy!"

The controversial statement has been made at a time when Palin is strongly rumoured to be the Republican Presidential candidate for 2012. Professor Paul Jackson says the move was intentional: "I find it very worrying that there is even the remotest possibility that our next president could be a person whose idea of a foreign policy is being intimate with the rules of ice hockey."

Yet, the thought of a Palin presidency does not only worry experts. Matt Doman, a father of three from New Jersey said, "Does this woman think dinosaurs were here four thousand years ago? Seriously, someone ask her. This is very important, because she's gonna have access to the nuclear codes!"

"The problem with Palin," Jackson commented, "is that not even she knows what the hell she is talking about."

Palin is expected to release a book later this summer containing all the buzzwords she spews out when she doesn't know what the green and blue fuck is going on...which is 98.5% of her waking life. Words include "policy", "foreign", "weapons of mass destruction" and for a limited time only comes with The Mini Dictionary of Sarah Palin's Coined Words - now you too can increase religious hatred between two races by "refudiating" the building of a Mosque on ground zero!

"You ask her a question and she'll start firing out these random political phrases regardless of whether or not they are at all relevant," explained Professor Jackson.

"Oh, that and also she's thicker than a the walls of a nuclear submarine," he added.

Babies Sue Johnson's Shampoo

2010-07-15T12:50:00.007+01:00

Babies across the world have united to file a class action lawsuit against the shampoo producer Johnson's.

"This is bullshit!"

The infants' reason for suing the cosmetic giant is "for false advertising" and "making us cry a lot more than we expected."

One of the leaders of the campaign, Jake Lyndhall aged 2, commented: "Not only have they advertised on television, billboards and other mainstream media that their products produce 'No More Tears' but they have plastered it on the front of every bottle of the wretched stuff since day one.

"So what were we to expect? When my Mummy lathered the stuff into my hair I was fine at first, thinking this isn't like the others, it says 'No More Tears' on the bottle, I can see that.

"Then out of of nowhere a small drop of water infused with Johnson's falsely advertised magma dripped straight into the corner of my left eye. I thought that dinosaur from the first Jurassic Park had just spat that black goo in my face like it did to the fat man.

"Did I cry? Cry?! I let my Mum fucking have it! It was like having the ninth circle of hell in my eye!" he added.

Johnson's have admitted to creating a product "which only works for a certain proportion of the baby public". A spokesman said, "We meant the slogan to be a light-hearted catchphrase and we apologise if it doesn't ring true for all of our consumer base.

"However, to be honest they are a touchy bunch of brats to take it seriously. I mean saying that you've invented a shampoo that doesn't sting when it goes in your eyes is like saying you've invented chips that taste good and only contain five calories, or a bra that isn't an absolute ball ache for men to take off.

"These things just don't happen, the kids are in fairy tale land!"

"He's got some bloody cheek," responded baby Jake on reading the statement on his Fisher Price laptop, "I should be in fairy tale land but I can hardly delve into the escapism of Peter Pan as read by my Mummy when I've got three tonnes of Johnson's Agent fucking Orange in my sockets still causing me grief!

"It was even one of those books where you get cues to press the buttons and Tinkerbell tinkles and Hook says something really nasty - but even mashing them into oblivion until it drives my parents insane couldn't take my mind off the utter suffering emblazoned upon my vision by Mr. Johnson!

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" he added.

Northern Nutters - The Game!

2010-07-09T15:53:00.002+01:00

The New ROYAL CREDIT CARD!

2010-07-05T13:36:00.002+01:00

Police Fail to find Referee's Killer

2010-06-30T16:37:00.011+01:00

Police have failed to find the killer of football referee Jorge Larrionda who oversaw England's disastrous game against Germany on Sunday.

Not a single witness.

Larrionda was murdered in the middle of the day on Longmarket street, one of the busiest areas of Cape Town. The body was transported all the way to the football stadium in Bloemfontein where it was stripped naked, hung with a noose from the north facing crossbar and had the words "NOW DO YOU SEE THE FUCKING LINE?" carved into its belly.

Despite forensic evidence suggesting the entire event occurred between 11:06 and 16:16 South African time, no witnesses have testified to seeing the murder.

Police questioned a man from Clacton-on-Sea called Barry Strongbeard who has been identified on CCTV as having witnessed the murder. Despite the video technology confirming Larrionda suffered twenty-nine stab wounds, a scalping with a Katana sword and three gunshots to the kneecaps Mr. Strongbeard insists "From where I was, which was about thirty yards away, it didn't look like a murder.

"He might have had a go, given him a slap or two, but that's all."

The police have since given up on the investigation only twelve hours after starting it, saying in a press statement: "Who killed him wouldn't make a difference anyway, he was rubbish at self-defence so he had it coming to him."

The body was found yesterday morning by England defender John Terry when he finally made it back to the penalty area. He admits to calling the police only once he had telephoned his Dad to make sure it wasn't "one of his.

"He said 'No son, but whilst yer there ask 'im a few questions about haa to defend a fucking goalmouf an' ya might learn a fing or two ya pillock!' and then hung up."

Bongo the Silverback to Replace Rooney

2010-06-21T20:20:00.003+01:00

A Silverback gorilla named Bongo has been drafted by Fabio Capello to replace Wayne Rooney, it emerged last night.

After "careful review" from the England management, the 700 lbs beast whose favourite food is his own faeces will play on Wednesday night against Slovenia instead of the Manchester United striker.

"I'm England 'til I die!!"

A spokesman for the England team said in a press statement last night: "We have studied Wayne Rooney's performance so far in the World Cup and we feel that a vital element to England's chances of qualifying to round two is for us to have a player up front who doesn't have a first touch that is closely associated with Peter Sutcliffe or Jack the Ripper.

"So we've drafted in Bongo who has already begun training."

Bongo is said to be bonding well with his new team mates and has developed an especially close relationship with defender John Terry. Joe Cole commented: "He's getting along with the lads, although we do have to keep reminding him of the rules. 99% of the time he's fine but on a couple of occasions in training we've passed him the ball to him and he's just stopped dead and started ripping it to shreds before lobbing his cack at Steven Gerrard and climbing Peter Crouch.

"I think he thinks Peter's a tree," he added.

"He gets angry like that," said a near by Frank Lampard, "but once he releases his sexual frustration he's fine so we just send him out with John for a night and the next day he's magic."

Much speculation has arisen as to what Rooney's removal from the team will do to both team and spectator morale. However, the team insist that the move is the correct one - "There's a lot of bonuses of having a gorilla as a centre-forward," said Lampard, "most notably, with the aid of an opposable digit Bongo can grab the ball with his feet and literally fuzz it into the net.

"And if that don't work he just goes over and rips the keeper's arms and face off."

"To be honest," said a FIFA official, "I don't think many will even notice that Capello's made the swap."

"Green", "Heskey", "ITV" and "Shit" see Usage Increase

2010-06-13T18:43:00.003+01:00

In a recent study it was found that since 7:30PM last night the words "Green", "Heskey", "ITV" and "a stinking pile of useless shite" have seen a usage increase among the British public of 900%.

The opening goal.

The study taken from recorded telephone conversations and CCTV microphones also took into account the emotional quality of each utterance of the keywords. It found that whilst over 55% of them were said in annoyance, a significant 45% were said with colossal amounts of glee and satisfaction in Scottish and Welsh accents.

Professor Paul Jackson who headed the study said: "It's a classic case of English pessimism meeting Scottish and Welsh racism - all rather normal behaviour except that this weekend it's increased almost ten fold.

"We have seen a peak of the keywords' mention and expect a fall to now commence throughout the week. However, we predict a huge increase will conclude on Friday between 7:30 and 9:30PM.

"If it continues on this scale we could see words like 'Heskey', 'useless' and 'tosser' overtake words like 'the', 'a' and 'omg'."

ITV's mention coincides with what has been described as "the biggest TV fuck up since Heil Honey I'm Home!" - the loss of broadcast on ITV's new "brighter" HD channel when Steven Gerrard scored the first, four minute goal.

Football fan Billy Norman commented, "I could not believe it. When you thought ITV could not get any shitter, they go and put a fucking advert when England's first 2010 World Cup goal is scored.

"Seriously, can you make a bigger mistake? Is it possible to have a TV network any worse than ITV? I'd rather see BabeStation win the rights for the next World Cup."

According to Jackson, comments like these continued in pubs and bars across England after the game had finished and all the way through James Corden's post-match show Look How Many Famous Gits I Hang out With in which "fat" also saw a frequency spike.

Punching iPad Owners "Fine with Us", say World Leaders

2010-05-29T11:22:00.011+01:00

Twenty-nine world leaders across the globe announced yesterday that punching the first dick you see with an iPad is "fine with us".

Go on, you know you want to.

The agreement, which is supported by the United Nations, lowers the assault laws so that inciting fear and actual bodily harm are legally permissible if the victim is an iPad owner. The law amendment is active from today in twenty-nine countries including Britain, the United States and France. According to the US Congress it is designed to "let smug assholes know exactly who they are".

Limitations

Many governing bodies have stressed that the law does have limitations. If the iPad owner is in the privacy of their own home or if they are in public and the iPad cannot be visibly seen or is switched off then assault is "still not an option".

However, the British Secretary of State for Justice Kenneth Clarke said: "the first imbecile you see pull out one of these things on the tube or in a meeting to make notes on or 'put something in the diary', you are legally permitted to smash him right in the face before saying 'That's for being a complete dick, you dick!'"

If this phrase is not uttered after the assault occurs then the victim can rightly press charges, however Clarke said other variations of the phrase would be allowed such as, 'Why would you need to use that now, you dick!', 'You have been tapping on that thing the whole journey and I can see all you are doing is flying around Google Maps, you dick!' and 'For Christ's sake use a fucking pen and paper you fucking pretentious dick head!'

Japan Excused

The twenty-nine countries who have signed up to the agreement include most of the Western world where flashing an iPad around in public generally highlights you as a materialistic moron. Japan is the only country that has refused to agree to the international law, the United Nations released a statement saying that this was assumed and pardoned from the beginning: "It's just what the Japanese do. In their culture having the latest gadget isn't a symbol of wealth or penis extension that indicates idiocy and egomania, it's simply something everyone must have - like food or water.

"Seriously, every five year old kid in Japan will be walking around typing memos and playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure on an iPad by this time next week."

Scientists Create Life with More Intelligence than Creationists

2010-05-22T15:42:00.010+01:00

Scientists in California have successfully created the first fully synthetic micro-organism that has more intelligence than creationists and The Daily Mail's key demographic put together.

The scientific breakthrough which involved placing completely artificial DNA into a host cell has created a microbe of very simplistic nature.

Not taking the Alpha course.

Yet many experts claim it to have "more coherent and logical thought patterns than most creationists" despite it not having a brain.

"It's quite astonishing to think what we have managed," said Dr. Paul Jackson who worked on the project, "a single celled organism that is less ignorant, self-important and solipsistic than 98% of Alabama.

"The organism simply wanders around its petridish bumping into other microscopic things and regulating it's osmotic potential. Yet our studies show that this is a much more sensible way to live a life than spending two hours a week in a building talking to a fictitious character who is merely the product of ancient political manipulation.

"But then our microbe isn't shit scared of dying," he added.

Meanwhile, Dr. Craig Venter who led the experiment has expressed his annoyance at how ungrateful humanity is: "I take the first step towards a brighter future for mankind - the end to AIDS, a cure for cancer and the mass production of vital medicine that could be delivered to the third world cheaply - and all people can say to me is that 'I'm playing God'!

"Well thanks a fucking bunch! I won't bother next time!"

"The clincher was when we created a second microbe next to the first," said Jackson, "and it did not start shouting at us that we were playing God or suggest that I Am Legend was about to become true.

"It obviously realised the irony in saying such a thing because this experiment is just another in a series that helps to prove that there was never a God that did create life, that life is merely the assembly of certain chemicals which was easily capable by nature and that the idea of a soul and an afterlife is completely fallacious.

"And that is what convinced us that what we had created was considerably smarter than Ben Stein, Ted Haggard and Bill O'Reilly combined."

Danny Dyer to be PM's Advisor

2010-05-15T12:44:00.003+01:00

Film "actor" Danny Dyer is to become the Prime Minister's personal advisor, it was revealed late last night.

The "actor" who has recently been out of a job was hired yesterday by David Cameron in order to give him personal advice on "matters both political and personal".

"Already he has been a fantastic aid," said Cameron, "he understands the way a Tory government works, our system of responsibility and standing up for oneself. He has had a key influence on decisions I have already made and ones I will make in the future."

Questions the PM has asked Dyer:

Q: The next election is scheduled for 2015 and after five years people may realise what a hash of things we've made and want Harriet Harman in by voting Labour, what should I do to prevent this?
A: 'Arriet may not always be the leada of the opposishon, but if she is, you could always try and beat 'er on a matter of policy and win over the people that way, showin' them that you are the best. Or...you could cut her face and no one would want her then.

Q: I have invited Nick Clegg into government because enough people saw through my guise of 'helping the people', if he turns on me and causes problems what should I do?
A: Take Clegg aside and talk to him in a cool and polite manna about your difference of opinion, and why you 'old that difference of opinion. Or simply cut his face and no fucka will listen to 'im then.

Q: If Sam's baby turns out not to be mine, what should I do?
A: Find some ova slapper and knock 'er up da duff to piss the bitch off. Or...cut her tits off and da baby won't want any milk then.

Q: How should I go about tackling football hooliganism after fourteen of the sixteen productions you've ever made have glamorised it so irresponsibly?
A: Go to the next West Ham, Millwall game in a big fuck off 'elicopter and shout fru a megaphone, "Oi, you cunts! Calm the fuck down or I'll cut all ya faces!" If that don't work cut their 'ands off and they won't be able to punch any fucker.

Q: How should I deal with misogynistic articles written in mainstream media whose target audience is young, impressionable teenage boys?
A: Tell the fuckin' editor it was 'is fault for allowing the article to go fru and get published. If he says it was whoever wrote it, and that they are a jumped up little shit who lives off a pathetic hard man persona and will go to extreme lengths just to make those young impressionable boys as well as complete twats, laugh and think he's cool...tell 'im to shut the fuck up and then cut his face.

"He is the ideal man for the job," said Cameron, "and I am very happy with his advice and progress. When we said you were 'Voting for Change' I bet you didn't think we meant permanently to your face!"

In other news, Robert Mugabe has expressed his delight at the British electoral system stating "I love it how you have members of a party in government who only got voted into 9% of the seats.

"You carry on like this and I might start letting you guys into the country again," he added clapping. Mr. Dyer insisted that if he didn't "he'd cut 'is fuckin' face."

"Fuck it" says Clegg

2010-05-08T12:43:00.002+01:00

The leader of the Liberal Democrats today said in a press statement, "Y'know what, fuck it and all its worth. What a shitting waste of my fucking, cunting time!"

"Fuck off!"

Angered by the lack of opinion poll merit materialising into votes, Clegg has decided that he can't be arsed with the whole routine if people are just going to agree with him in the run up before voting Tory.

"It's unbelievable!" he said, "The public just led me on and then chucked me away like a used condom. It's like the 27th woman I tried nailing; she was a toughie, played bloody mind games! She teased me, told me how attractive I was and then when I got the lass into bed she said 'she couldn't do this'.

"What a frigid little slapper, eh? Well guess what Britain, you just did the same fucking thing, you whore!

"And you know how that series of events ended? With me getting into bed with her best friend, just like I'm gonna do now!"

David Cameron has also indicated that he would be prepared to form a coalition government with the Liberal Democrats. If both parties do make an official agreement many say it will squander everything the LibDems stand for.

"Well, you made me do it," said Clegg, "I've spent a month believing that I could not get the Liberal Democrats in power but at least make them a respected party in time for the next election - a serious choice in people's minds. And everyone says 'Yes Nick, you can. We agree, we love you Nick, you're the new sodding Susan Boyle!' I worked and worked and worked and then what happens? We don't gain fifty seats. Not twenty or ten, not even one. We lose five fucking seats!!

"FIVE!!" he added.

"Fucking Lembit Opik lost! If Lembit fucking Opik lost then what cocking chance do the Liberal shitting Democrats have?! Fuck it, where's David? I've got a feeling the 31st person I sleep with is not going to be a woman."

Election Day Special: PolCats

2010-05-06T23:51:00.005+01:00

Voters across the country have been horrified this evening as polling booth doors close without taking their vote.

Prime Minister has an Opinion

2010-05-02T17:33:00.007+01:00

Shock rippled across the country this week as the Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught expressing an opinion.

Deckard's called off Gordon's case.

The event occurred on Wednesday morning. Gordon Brown got into his car after talking to the people of a small Manchurian suburb and a SkyNews microphone inadvertently picked up what is known to mortal members of the public as a "private conversation".

The shock revelation that politicians are anything near human has caused uproar. Barry Strongbeard who was not at the location when it happened and trusts The Sun's recollection of it completely said, "I think it is absolutely disgusting that Gordon Brown, a man in power, is allowed to have a personal opinion about someone and what's more express that opinion when he thought he was in private. It's outrageous!"

Sally Lyndhall from Lancashire commented, "It's just not right is it? It's not right that in the twenty-first century we have a man running the country who is not a robot who never ever makes a sweeping statement out of frustration. If C-3PO was PM this wouldn't have happened.

"He would have just got in the car and bickered with his spin doctor R2-D2, and they'd drive back to Number 10, and there would be a screen wipe transition, and some nice music, and we'd all be happy because we would be getting the complete fantasy world we seem to expect from modern day life.

"That's how politics should be!" she added.

The weight that Brown's personal opinion will have on the public opinion polls is expected to be gargantuan. Similar results are expected in the election this week, due to most people basing their vote on which leader they'd prefer to have a cup of tea with whilst chatting about last week's episode of Come Dine with Me, rather than policies.

Not all have been disgusted by Brown's utterances. Mr. Jackson had been out of the country when the event happened, he said "I came back on Saturday and read the papers. Well, the amount of attention they were all giving Mrs. Duffy, I thought she'd been raped and utilised as a human toilet or something.

"This is all a little silly isn't it? The man expresses an opinion that is no worse to what every Guardian reader bleats out eleven times a week and everyone starts going fucking mental!"

Meanwhile, everyone remains absolutely certain that both David Cameron and Nick Clegg have never said anything remotely similar in private about a member of the public.

4M Die a Little Inside Watching David Cameron

2010-04-25T22:15:00.004+01:00

The four million viewers who tuned into the live party leaders' debate on Thursday night all died a little inside as David Cameron turned to the camera and spoke to them directly.

Viewer discretion advised.

The tactic, which was only utilised by Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg in the previous debate on Channel 4, was stolen by Tory party leader David Cameron in a pitiful attempt to receive the same kind of poll boostings. Unfortunately for Cameron the move only made him seem more greasy than he already was, which before now was deemed by experts to be impossible.

Jake Lyndhall watched the debate from his home in south Lincolnshire, he told PressPoke: "I tuned in to Sky News to watch three grown men argue whilst saying quite similar things just like I had seen the previous week. Now, I'd heard all this commotion in the papers about how Clegg had 'spoke to the nation' and how it helped him a lot, but never was I prepared for Cameron's response to the opening question!

"He did his usually smarmy routine of pretending to be the questioner's best fucking mate. Y'know the drill; 'Hi Tom, by the way, I'd like to say that as one of our builders, you are doing a fantastic fucking job mixing cement and helping to literally build a bigger, better Britain', that usual horse shit. But he only did this for the first sentence this time.

"Then I saw it! I saw him turning, and I thought 'Oh please! God, no! He's copying Clegg! Don't! Please!' but he continued to turn. He looked directly into the camera and continued his argument...to me! Me!!

"Well it was at that point that I did actually feel a little part of my soul exhumed through my eye sockets."

Another viewer, Tracey Sulemberg said, "It was like starring into the the eyes of Medusa. Except instead of turning you to stone he just made you want to vomit on the spot and claw your eyeballs out of your head.

"For once Gordon Brown actually came across rather well because he was the only one not looking at me like some bloody deranged pervert!" she added.

Why Clegg seems to be able to pull of this 'direct speech' routine whilst Cameron cannot remains to be fully explained. However Professor Paul Jackson, head of politics at the University of Stratton has one theory: "This difference is simply down to the fact that Clegg does not resemble a slimy used condom that someone's drawn a face onto.

"If you want to convince four million people that you are going to create a 'fairer Britain' when one of your policies is introducing tax breaks for the extremely rich, then it doesn't matter if you are talking to them, the floor or their fucking ball sacks - they ain't gonna buy it!"

Carol Ann Duffy Writes More Shit

2010-04-19T14:00:00.004+01:00

The Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy, has contributed to the efforts to help those stranded abroad by writing a lot of pointless shit.

Witness the genius.

The female poet said that she decided to write a poem about the volcano ash to give hope to those who are currently unable to get home.

We asked those stuck in various places all over Europe what they thought of Duffy's words. "If by 'helping us'", said Jake Lyndhall currently in Sunny Beach, Bulgaria, "she means making us more bored and depressed than we already were, then yeah, I suppose she has helped us.

"Other than that she's basically described something rather simplistic in a needlessly complicated manner."

Rachel Wiseman from Leeds, now in Athens said, "If any other person wrote a poem about a fucking ash cloud someone would tell them to go and get a CAT scan at their local hospital. But no, because it's Carol Ann-Up-Her-Own-Duffy then everyone thinks it's a sodding masterpiece and gives it repeat airtime on Radio 5."

Professor Paul Jackson from Stratton University has analysed the poem extensively since its release and commented, "This country is famous for its tradition and history of great literature. I read Silver Lining by Carol Ann Duffy and immediately heard the distant rumbling of Shakespeare, Milton and Orwell all doing fifteen thousand RPM in the respective graves.

"In a hundred years time Literature students worldwide will look at our the works across time and see the Renaissance had Hamlet and Paradise Lost, the Enlightenment had Frankenstein and Dracula and the 21st century had...a poem about people stuck in Zante.

"Thank you Carol Ann shitting Duffy!"

Meanwhile, millions of Britons are having a bloody great time legitimately sciving off work and sunning themselves by a pool for free.

Conservatives are Cancerous, say Experts

2010-04-12T09:39:00.003+01:00

The Labour party has funded a study which has discovered that Conservatives are actually cancerous.

The Thames in two years time.

The study, which was conducted across fifty cities in the UK, provided evidence that contracting a form of cancer is five times more likely if you are a Tory. Furthermore, a person is three times more likely to get cancer from socialising with Conservatives, nine times as likely for using the words 'vote', 'for' or 'change' and if you vote blue in the upcoming election you are almost certainly going to die within the next four years.

The results have been published alongside a Labour election pamphlet which is entitled "Vote or Die, Bitch: A Blackmail Slip for all Breast Cancer Sufferers".

Professor Paul Jackson, lead researcher behind the study said, "We ran tests on numerous different Conservatives including David Cameron and George Osborne. The results show that all of them are more cancerous than any of the nine million foodstuffs the Daily Mail has attributed cancer to before.

"Moreover, William Hague is obviously on rigorous chemotherapy and simply with a Geiger counter we discovered that their seats in the House of Commons are highly radioactive.

"In fact, we believe that Margaret Thatcher has a bloodstream consisting of 68% depleted uranium and that she is actually dead.

"Which actually isn't that much of a revelation," he added.

Gordon Brown issued the statement earlier this morning, "We are not desperate for votes, so I am not forcing or frightening anyone to vote for Labour in a highly morally repugnant manner. All I am saying is, if you like living and chemo isn't your thing, you better vote for me...I mean us!"

Daily Mail Readers Go Mental due to Kick-Ass

2010-04-02T18:28:00.021+01:00

Thousands of Daily Mail readers across the country have gone absolutely bat-shit insane because a good movie was a lot of fun.

Paedo inducing, apparently.

The movie, Kick-Ass, has been applauded by critics and people with a sense of humour, all around the world. However, the Daily Mail continues to spout its self-righteous, censorship admiring, big brother donkey shite by trashing Matthew Vaughn's new action comedy.

Daily Mail subscriber Barry Strongbeard said, "This movie is absolutely disgusting! It has a little girl in it who swears and kills people. Children will see that and their fragile little minds will be completely affected.

"You see, what you have to understand is that children and young teenagers are stupid, they think fictitious movies are real. They actually think it is happening! They will think Kick-Ass is what they should be like and it will turn them all into little Jon Venables.

"Jon! Venables! Can you imagine every child being like him?! We'd have to execute an entire generation!"

Another reader of the tabloid paper Mary Moanypants commented, "I haven't seen the movie but I just know that it should be banned. I know what is best for other people and that is for them not to see such a horrifically violent movie that claims to be 'a comedy'. Violence is never fun!

"Unless it's inflicted upon Jon Venables," she added.

"Also, she used the word 'cunt' in the movie. The word cunt should be banned as well because cunt is an utterly vulgar word, no one should ever use the word cunt...unless it's to Jon Venables. The cunt!"

The younger demographic are not the only ones infuriated either. Victor Granger, aged 78 from Grimsby said, "Well Daily Mail critic Christopher Tookey, said about the little girl in the motion picture, he said that, 'paedophiles are going to adore her'.

"He said that the film is 'exploitative' towards young women because the little girl is dressed in a school uniform at one point. I said to myself, 'I agree, that's disgusting,' and then turned to page three and got some wrist action in."

Meanwhile, Dave Warrington from Somerset has set up the protest group SOS (Save Our Sexuality). He feels strongly that Kick-Ass should be banned "because I have a superhero fetish and think it is absolutely repulsive that I might find myself attracted to a 14 year old girl."

Professor Paul Jackson, head of media studies at the University of Stratton had this to say: "The people who read the Mail think that when they step outside their front door there is a 94% chance that they'll get stabbed, raped, or turned into a paedophile.

"So when someone makes a film that is violent and funny it satirises their deepest fears and they...well they get very, very angry and upset.

"Plus, they are also just fucking stupid," he added.

Catholic Church Admits to Liking Justin Bieber

2010-03-28T13:54:00.006+01:00

In a shock revelation, the Catholic church has admitted to enjoying the music of young pop starlet Justin Bieber.

Suspicions that the church had indulged in such contentious actions have been rife for some time. However, further controversy has now arisen due to the Vatican's previous attempts to cover up its fondness of Bieber's music.

The Justin Bieber Fan Club.

Since the announcement, experts have been investigating possible reasons as to why the young Canadian has been so popular within the Catholic church. Paul Jackson, professor of Dirty Perversion Studies at Stratton University, had this to say: "After hours of strenuous research we believe that the reason so many priests enjoy Bieber's work is because of the profuse sexual undertones in his music videos.

"Anything that is aimed at young, impressionable fourteen year old girls by filthy, immoral record labels is likely going to be of great interest to Catholic priests."

Earlier this week, Pope Benedict XVI himself announced that he regularly holds dance sessions with other Vatican priests to Bieber's hit single Baby, in his spare time. Although he admits that they rarely complete the dance routine because oddly "everyone starts watching the television fervently when Ludacris has the child in a headlock from behind."

Jackson and his team conducted an interview of over five hundred priests who all have Justin Bieber on their iPods. He found that 36% voted their favourite song as Baby because of the lyrics 'I'm going down, down, down, down.' But only 2% acknowledged this as a reference to damnation in hell.

64% prefer One Time because of the video. Father Belvichi said, "I particularly like the part where there is a house party full of under age children and Justin and his friends start spraying streams of white liquid over each other from cans at crotch height.

"Mmm...very good!" he added.

Polemicist and anti-theist Christopher Hitchens has already published an article slating that Catholic church for its admiration of Bieber's music. He writes, "As I said in my book God is Not Great, religion poisons everything. And now the music industry is another thing to add to the list.

"The Vatican supported the Nazis' exile after the Second World War, a group who had a shockingly poor regard for equality and human rights. Now, they are supporting Justin Bieber, a gentleman who has a shockingly poor regard for age boundaries and human eardrums.

"However, funding an affluent record label is the first time the Vatican has supported Jews, so I suppose that's a start," he added.

Healthcare Bill Pass Annoys Rich Americans

2010-03-22T12:06:00.014Z

Thousands of key fat cats in the American pharmaceutical and insurance businesses, today expressed their annoyance with the passing of the healthcare reform bill, because now they won't be able to exploit so many dying people.

"Great news, Obama says you can live!"

The landmark healthcare reform bill was passed yesterday with absolutely no Republican backing. Various rich, heartless CEOs have already started picketing outside the White House and more are expected to join by the end of week.

We spoke to one of the protesters, George Gimbleby, head of Pay Up or Die, Ltd. "It is an absolute disgrace," he said, "that President Obama thinks he can take hold of this country and start making poor people happier and everyone more equal! What the hell does he think he's playing at?

"I will not see this country, the country I love, become a socialist state like Russia...or one of those other ones. This is America, and in America you pay for your privilege to live, otherwise we tell you to fuck off and find a damp corner to die in."

Another protester, David Dapleby, co-owner of GimmeMoney insurance also expressed his disdain at the bill's passing: "This is ridiculous! Do you think life should be for free? No, you should pay me vast sums of money for it! What do you think this is? A civilised country? Well, I will not see Mr. Obama turn it into one.

"I don't care if it's proven that nationalised health services are more efficient! In a country of God we should do what Jesus would do. Do you think he healed the sick for free? No, of course he didn't! He asked to see their insurance documents or a valid credit card first!"

Meanwhile, millions of Republicans across America are also protesting against the newly passed bill because John Boehner told them it was "communism". He elaborated: "You see, the great thing about Republicans is that 98% of them don't think for themselves. You simply mention that magic word 'communism' in relation to anything - and I mean anything - and they will start yelling like the hounds of hell about it.

"It's like poking a rabid pit bull in the balls, it's great!" he added.

Bill Wickman, a registered Republican from Maryland said, "Kill the Bill! Kill it! I don't care if it's passed, just end it! It is communist! And even though there are many wonderful services in our country which are equally as 'communist' such as the police force, the fire department, and road maintenance, this is different...somehow...Bill O'Reilly said so!"

"It is a sad, sad day for America," said Gimbleby, "the day when a person with cancer or a potentially fatal injury can receive treatment and not have the additional stress of wondering how he's going to pay for it.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed wiping his tears away with $100 bills, "if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go home, cry and comfort eat organ doners' hearts. My son will only be a multi-millionaire and not a multi-billionaire!"

David Starkey's New Britain gets Green Light

2010-03-19T01:01:00.009Z

In a new television series the presenter and historian David Starkey, is turning his attention to how he would like to see Britain run - with whips, torture facilities and "prole curfews".

The 65 year old Cambridge graduate has decided to focus upon the future instead of the past in his new series "because people need to wake up," he said.

Remember kids, "Arbeit Macht Frei!"

"It has been an age since this country, what was the greatest empire in the world, has been managed properly," he ranted. "Can no one see the utter chaos that has ensued since unionisation, benefit allowances and converting the Tower of London into a tourist attraction?"

The new series, which will be aired on Channel 4, will last for six shows, each concentrating on a different sect of society with a lower financial income than Starkey's. He admits that the episodes are quite formulaic; they will all open with a description of the "putrid people in question", then explain how they uniquely "make this country scummy" and finally describe the measures that would be taken in Starkey's Britain "to remove them from the face of God's good, green country."

Due to the success of Starkey's previous television series on the Tudor period, a larger budget has been at his disposal this time around, which he has spent on dramatic envisions of his future. Producer Paul Jackson said, "Most of the things he's asked for such as armoured police outfits, black and Asian people, and tear gas is readily available. So he's pretty easy to work with and gets on well with the guys in charge of props.

"Although, he did ask for a fully sized, functioning guillotine, which caused some problems at first. We asked him where in the script there is a flashback to Tudor Britain and he just looked at us blankly and said, 'There isn't.'"

Starkey has also suggested that the DVD of the series will contain a bonus episode which takes a closer look at "feral children". "It's a bit of a venture for me," he said, "into more David Attenborough territory.

"But it is still fresh. Attenborough doesn't yell derogatory, snobberies at the animals in Life, does he?"

The DVD will be released on 20th April by Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei Media, Ltd.

"Who's Viewing your Profile" Facebook App a Hoax

2010-03-15T19:29:00.015Z

The popular social networking website Facebook, have announced that the twenty-thousandth application that you saw your friend try out which claims to allow users to see who is looking at their profile, amazingly doesn't do what it says it does.

No, she's not on your sodding profile!

The shock announcement fell on dumbfounded ears yesterday afternoon. Jake Lyndhall commented, "I couldn't believe the news when I heard it. These things are fake?! I thought an application that asked me to join a group first, invite all of my friends and then join a fan page before giving me priveleged access to the link www.hck.ur.comp.com to download it was completely genuine and honest.

"Well I would go and leave every one of those groups, I am so angry, but unfortunately now my computer's only function is to display a gigantic, hardcore pornographic picture with the title 'UV B1N FUCKED!!1 :D'"

Meanwhile, Jessica Pinter said, "I just thought none of them had worked because I'd missed one of my friends out of the invitation process. It after all does say you must invite all of your friends. I thought that was for the feature to work properly, never did I think that was a pitiful attempt to utilise ridiculously naïve people in order to reach as many targets as possible and infect them all with viruses."

Paul Jackson, a spokesman for Facebook said, "Do not underestimate these hoaxers. To many, it may seem like a futile attempt to lure people in because it is so blazingly obvious that it's a hoax. But there are many, many egocentric and narcissistic people out there who are so desperate to know how popular they are that they'll risk their computer's health and looking like a twat to find out."

One young gentleman, aged 14 from Suffolk, admitted to taking such a risk: "I one day plucked up the courage to say 'Hello,' in the chat box to Chelsea in year ten. She said 'ello darlin' back and I thought I might be in with a chance of losing my virginity. So I downloaded one of the profile viewer applications to see if she's as drastically obsessed with me as I am with her. Now I'm grounded because my mum thinks I looked at three hundred animal porn websites in one afternoon.

"I tried telling her it was a hacker who put them there but she said, 'Tell your nana Doris that who was trying to email her cousin in Australia.'"

Jackson also insists that those ridiculously annoying photo generators 'informing' you which top ten friends look at your profile the most are similarly "utter crocks of bullshit".

He issued a further warning directly to Facebook users: "There is no way to see who's on your profile, there never will be and that guy or girl who you've got a crush on doesn't give a shit about you.

"So just don't bother."

Kristen Stewart as Annoying in Real Life

2010-03-11T22:25:00.032Z

A poll conducted across all 192 UN recognised countries that included absolutely everybody returned the results that 99.99% of people find Kristen Stewart as annoying in real life as she is in her movies.

The young actress has annoyed millions around the world, most famously with her starring role in the Sexually Frustrated Vampire Tossers series. However, due to the films' highly irritating nature many had simply laid this down to her portrayal of a character. It was only until people watched interviews with Stewart that they realised she was actually playing her own irksome self.

More annoying than Jehovah's witnesses.

Jake Lyndhall, the man who conducted the poll commented, "Obviously not everyone had seen Miss. Stewart in real life circumstances but she exposed herself as fundamentally irritating to a vast audience at the 82nd Academy Awards on Sunday night where she presented a homage to the horror - AHEM! - genre."

Psychologist Paul Jackson at the University of Stratton explained why so many find her so infuriating: "Well for a start, she's called 'Kristen'. Although, she set the real foundations by playing a right moany bitch in Sexually Frustrated Vampire Tossers. Then she built upon that with annoying little nuances and characteristics.

"Most notable of these are exhaling sharply, actively trying to look awkward, her incapacity to complete a sentence without clearing her throat in a highly exaggerated manner and the general decorum of constantly looking like she'd rather be rotting in hell than being where she is at the respective moment.

"This last trait especially annoys many when they think about what they have to do to earn the money she does in twelve minutes. Would you look that ridiculously pissed off if you got paid a banker's bailout sum to play pretend ghoolies?"

Barry Strongbeard from Lancashire said, "I were watching the BAFTAs where this little princess picked up best newcomer or something like that. Well, when she got up there I thought she'd shat herself she looked so awkward. It was only until I watched the crappy movies she's in and a few interviews on YouTube afterwards that I realised the boring little shite's always like that!

"I mean, why would you try and become an actress if you have the charisma of fish bowl?" he added.

The poll did not return a unanimous yes vote to the question "Does watching Kristen Stewart make you want to slap her...with a shovel?" because Stewart was one of the asked people herself.

In response she brushed her hair behind each ear five times and looked in either corner of her eye before commenting, "I...I..er...[sharp exhale]....I....I....I didn't know - AHEM! - I...didn't know people found me....that....that - AHEM! - annoying. I'm just....I'm just acting. I....[sharp exhale]....I... don't....I don't find myself annoying...so I...[sharp exhale and extending of lower jaw]...I vote 'no'."

She then winced and added, "AHEM!"

Conservative Political Broadcast to be in 3D

2010-03-07T02:59:00.009Z

The Conservatives have stated that their party political broadcasts will be available in 3D for subscribers of Murdoch's Son's Rip-off Television, Ltd.

David Cameron, the leader of the Conservative party was the first to announce that his party's broadcast would be in 3D: "We feel it is time for change," he told PressPoke, "the British public are sick and tired of seeing the same boring, mundane two-dimensional party political broadcasts that Gordon Brown and his cronies crack out every four years.

Put on the specs, we dare you!

"That is why the Conservative party, the party of the future, is inviting the public into the future of television with our new 3D self-admiration!"

Naturally, to be able to view the broadcast in 3D one must have the correct facilities; a pair of special 3D glasses, a subscription to a monopolised television service and no gag reflex so as not to wretch when exposed to such a lifelike David Cameron.

When asked to expand on what we can look forward to in the 3D broadcast, Cameron had this to say: "Well I can't give too much away but I've been in talks with my cousin James, who is an expert on 3D and he's been giving me some tips.

"Firstly, he said that 3D only works when things are flying in your face or being pointed at you. So, the broadcast will open with my head - in 3D - flying at you whilst rotating three hundred and sixty degrees saying 'Need!' and then 'For! and then 'Chaaaaange!' - that one's really drawn out and the lens will zoom in on my mouth going 'Chaaaange!' which will give the impression to the 3D viewers that I've swallowed them.

"I'll then go and interview people and ask them about things such as Labour's NHS cuts and the nurse I'm interviewing will point her syringe at the camera, very close up. Then I'll ask an ex-sales administrator who is now a caretaker about job losses, and he will do the same with his broom.

"It will shed light on Conservative's plans for the future whilst making the viewer go 'Oooooo!'"

Rumours are rife that Labour has since heard about the Tories' plans and are making their own three-dimensional political broadcast.

Cameron insists that he is not phased by the news, "People are sick and tired of this country being run as if it's still stuck in the twentieth century," he said in a dismissive manner, "If Labour make a 3D broadcast, it'll be with those shitty red and green paper glasses. The British public deserve better!"

"Close source" Reveals Himself

2010-03-02T18:23:00.011Z

A man named Barry Warrington who lives near Whitstable, Kent today revealed himself as the "close source" that has been leaking invaluable information to newspapers and glossy magazines since time immemorial.

Mr. Warrington decided to lift his veil of security and disguise after being harassed around the clock by 'Women's Lifestyle' magazines and the tabloid press about Cheryl Cole's split from her husband, the Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole.

Mr. Warrington's house post-Cole split.

He spoke under his real name to PressPoke today, "I have made a long and lucrative career out of providing the media with quotes when they don't have real ones. This occupation has been my life for over thirty years and left me with little time to myself due to how seldom the press have any genuine testimonies or pieces of evidence to base worthless, fear mongering articles upon.

"Most of my day would be taken up by answering calls, mainly from The News of the World, The Sun and Hello! magazine, asking for my opinion or 'inside knowledge' about some political or celebrity related matter. My job was to then reply with something juicy on subjects I actually knew nothing about.

"However, the crunch came when the Coles announced their divorce. I could not take it any more! The phone was ringing off the hook twenty-four hours a day and journalists were pounding down my door like zombies."

Mr. Warrington even tried removing his pseudonym, 'Close Source, A.' from the phone book but that had little effect.

"The final straw came when I walked into my living room to find The Star's Jo Davison careering through my front window. She was lying on the floor amongst shattered glass with notepad in hand before looking up and asking, 'And have you noticed Cheryl putting on any weight or hitting the booze since the announcement?'

"Well that was it. I'd had enough and so have decided to reveal my identity as Barry Warrington. My favourite colour is blue and I enjoy stamp collecting and going fishing with my best friend Trevor.

"I think I'll go back to window cleaning for a living now," he added.

Toyota Admit to Creating Transformers

2010-02-24T13:00:00.015Z

The president of car manufacturer Toyota, Akio Toyoda, admitted last night that his company had created vehicles that were unsafe to drive because they were in fact robots who can think for themselves very similar to those seen in the popular Transformers movies.

Mr. Toyoda said that the cars had developed an internal AI core after a copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey was played in the headrest DVD player of a Toyota Land Cruiser which then started "awakening" other models such as the Prius and Verso.

A CAD rendering of a Yaris.

Toyoda commented: "We fink dat dee a-Rand Cruiser heard HAL's voice and fought 'I a-wanna be rike dat a-space ship.'

"Dis has read to many Toyota model indulging in a-mischievous activity, such as accereraring off a criff when the a-driver was not pressing the accereraror pedal and kirring his a-wife."

The case which Mr. Toyoda was referring to occurred in Massachusetts when a Toyota accelerated out of restaurant drive-thru and plunged seventy feet into the ocean. The driver, Pharrell James said, "I pulled up for a delicious ChilliCheese Burger wit some fries and an ice cold coke and the motherfucker start driving away!

"I said 'Hold on one goddamn second, man! I'm ordering ChilliCheese!' But did that bitch listen? No! He say in some deep like techno voice 'I am afraid I cannot do that, Pharrell.'

I said, 'Oh you will do it, you piece o' overpriced, Japanese shit!' I say to ma wife 'Bitch, where you get this piece o' shit? The fucking Matrix?'

"I was hammering that break pedal like a son 'o' a bitch. Next thing I know, my ass is falling off a motherfucking cliff into the motherfucking ocean an' ma wife is dead.

"I was like 'Goddamn! That some Michael Bay shit right there, fo' real!'"

In light of the announcement made by Mr. Toyoda, 8.5 million cars have been recalled to have their AI chip removed. However, not all of them are expected to comply to this order. Some models now known as the "Decepticons" have reportedly fled earth to live in a far off planet and plot their evil return.

Toyoda offered this advice to Toyota owners to determine whether your car is an Autobot or a Decepticon: "If de saterrite navigation system sound rike a-synfisised Hugo Weaving, gerrout! Gerrout o' de car right now!"

He added: "Also, do not trust AYGO. Dey rook harmress but they are the worst out o' aaaaalll o' dem. Dey are de crever ones!"

Prime Minister Undergoes Image Makeover

2010-02-21T11:33:00.003Z

The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has met allegations that he is resorting to "pretending to be a bully" in the run up to the general election.

Apparently a bully at school as well.

The allegations were raised when a chief political commentator wrote in his new book Saucy Drama in Politics: Honest, it Does Happen! that Brown had paid Andrew Rawnsley to write that he was a menacing behemoth who crushes anything or anyone he disapproves of without a moment's hesitation.

Experts have dismissed these claims as false, stating that "Gordon can't even beat our national debt, and he was the bloody Chancellor of the Exchequer, let alone 'beating' staff."

Public Relations expert Paul Jackson, commented: "Has anyone ever seen the Prime Minister being interviewed? The man's about as 'determined' and 'demanding' as a ham salad sandwich. If you are getting bullied by that, you bloody well deserve it!"

Speaking to a former classmate of Brown's, Rodney Stoker who now lives in Millwall, was impossible due to extended lengths of laughter induced by the question "Were you bullied by Gordon Brown at school?"

"The whole thing is a clear publicity stunt," says Jackson, "the Labour party are resorting to the desperate measures of what we call in the trade, Churchillification. In the lead up to the election they boost Mr. Brown up as a right tough old cookie so we all think that he's a man who gets things done.

"When really we all know he's a giant pussy who can't even get his wife done."

MPs Defend Themselves with Ancient Text

2010-02-06T15:35:00.012Z

Four MPs who face charges under the Theft Act 1968 for expense scandals have claimed that they are untouchable by the law because of a piece of ancient legislation found in a dusty old book that no one has read since 1343.

The law, is the law.

Many say that the law is being taken out of context by said MPs and extrapolated beyond its intended function; to prevent members of Parliament being sued for comments they make in the House of Commons.

However, one of the accused David Chaytor, MP for Bury North, argues differently, "Parliamentary privilege does exactly what it says on the tin. It gives those in Parliament, privilege. Privilege to get away with outrageous things that you proletariat wouldn't.

"Basically, I have a licence to do whatever the bloody hell I like," he added.

The age of the law has also given rise to discussion on whether it should be considered active in the twenty-first century. Again, the MPs do not see this as a problem.

Elliot Morley said, "Law is law and that's that. Especially when it's a law that helps me worm my way out of the criminal act of taking £30,000 of the public's money for a mortgage that doesn't even exist.

"In fact, my lawyer has said he may have found a tablet carbon dated from 350,000BC which allows Neanderthals like myself to take whatever they want, whenever they want and for whatever purpose. Why? Because I consider myself higher up the food chain. I am the pack leader so I deserve your meat if I want it!"

Mr. Morley then started daydreaming, presumably about getting off the hook, before commenting, "Mmm...theft, delicious theft."

Apple Unveil Massive iPhone

2010-01-30T14:18:00.011Z

Steve Jobs unveiled the new release from Apple this week which is an iPhone that you can't carry around with you because it's too bloody big.

Speculation and suspicion has buzzed around the technology sphere for a decade. Finally, the excitement and waiting was quashed by revealing a product that has been around for three years, but bigger.

Either he's shrunk or...

Critics have been divided on Apple's new release. Jake Lyndhall, technology critic for Useless Shit magazine said, "It was unbelievable! Steve Jobs pulled off the black shroud and before you was this amazing minimalistic product with touch screen technology and things called "Apps".

"And it only has one button - one fucking button! - at the bottom which has the single function of taking you back to the menu. The rest you do by - wait for this - touching the bloody screen! This is revolutionary! Never has this been done before!"

Meanwhile critic Paul Jackson said, "This is it? We have waited ten years and Jobs thinks he can just shove a giant flashy phone down our throats? A phone...that's too big to take anywhere and you can only email and bloody tweet from it. Fucking brilliant!

"He would defend, of course, that it can do much more. The "browsing experience" he says, "is divine". Look mate, the only time I ever think of my "browsing experience" as "divine" is when the wife is out and I'm logged into RedTube.com at 3AM in the morning."

Other criticisms have arrived in the form of slating the product as being capable of nothing that a laptop couldn't achieve. An Apple spokesman had this to say, "The Jumbo iPhone may have some similarities to a laptop however we are aiming at a different area of the market. Laptops are for people who wish to get the job done as quickly and efficiently as possible. Our new release is for the same people who want to look like smug twats whilst doing so.

"The smug twat sector of the market is Apple's and we wish to provide our valued twatish customers with the flashy, my-dick-is-bigger-than-yours products that they don't deserve."

UK Public Face Moaning Recession

2010-01-26T14:34:00.008Z

Experts are worried that as the UK economy officially rises out of the economic recession the country will plummet into a severe moaning decline.

The news came late last night when expert Paul Jackson realised that what had been the main host for

GNP = Gross Nagging Percentage

British moaning for the past two years had now disintegrated: "If this news had come in mid December we could have relied on the snow to tide the moaning over for a a fortnight or so, but now we have nothing!

"I don't know what we will do," he added, "if the market doesn't do another dive, full blown, anarchistic social collapse could be just around the corner!"

Barry Clark, regular drinker at The Sneyd Arms and experienced moaner said, "I opened me newspaper and saw that we had come out of the recession. Well, to be honest I didn't know what to do. That's like a comedian being told that his main anecdote isn't funny any more.

"So I scrambled through the rest of the paper looking for something to moan about to the lads in the pub. But there was nothing, not a sodding thing! The Haiti rescue is over, Murray beat Nadal and Guy Ritchie made a half decent movie that's not glamorising east end gangsters!

"I think I better find me shotgun," he added.

Meanwhile, Mr. Jackson warns people to be ever vigilant: "Go out, buy tinned food, get ready. This is going to be like The Road but with more baby cannibalism.

"Then we'll have something to moan about!"

American Psychological Invasion Exposed

2010-01-19T11:28:00.002Z

MI5 has discovered plans drafted by the United States government to invade Great Britain through subtle, psychological food-based warfare, it was revealed last night.

The American plans, dubbed "Operation Ronald", was to invade Britain with brainwashing tactics. This largely involved buying out large food distributors and feeding the British population American "food" until they are all so lazy, fat and republican that they think the best thing for the country is American leadership.

A military spokesman said, "We had wind of these plans for a while because we got this autistic kid to hack into their computers - actually, wonder what he's doing now. Anyway! Yeah, so we knew about it but we were waiting to see if it materialised. Well as you know, last night the American company Kraft, which is as much a sewerage facility as it is a food distributor, just bought out our national treasure Cadbury. The evidence is clear."

10 Downing Street offered the advice of "not buying Cadbury's chocolate from now on and certainly not eating it. We must hold strong against the Americans who have betrayed our trust, do not let them now betray your taste."

Meanwhile, Kraft have offered a statement insisting that they are not part of Operation Ronald: "We simply have an interest in bringing our wonderful chocolate blend to the mouths of Britain. Yes, admittedly there will be recipe changes, for example Cadbury's 1-part cocoa beans, 2-part sugar, 2-part milk will be replaced by our divine 1-part fabric conditioner, 2-part sawdust, 3-part potassium nitrate blend.

"This creates the delightful aroma of an operating ward whilst providing the top class texture and taste of a white, sun baked dog turd that small children use as chalk in the summer."

There are also plans to reform Cadbury's famous logo with two industrial sized vats of lard, stamped with the American flag, pouring their hideous contents into a cesspool.

"Just eat it," said the Kraft spokeman, "and you'll see what is affecting 93% of Americans' brains to make them think Mumbai is a type of cat food."

Huge Shock as Man Proclaims "The Simpsons is Shit"

2010-01-13T14:44:00.007Z

Uproar was caused on Tuesday night when Ken White, a 34 year old from Chester watched eight minutes of The Simpsons on Channel 4, before saying "Wait a second. This is a pile of shit!"

Mr. White's wife who was in the kitchen washing the dishes at the time heard what he said and was so shocked she dropped her best china plates. She immediately rang her closest friends asking them what she should do because her husband had just spoken out against The Simpsons. Within an hour the news had spread as far as Cornwall.

"Donkey Shite" says Jenson.

"I was just scared," she confessed, "I didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether he or even myself would be arrested or merely lynched by the local public."

Fortunately for the Whites the public were understanding after the initial shock, as Peter Jenson from Norwich testifies, "At first I was just astounded and slightly annoyed that someone thought The Simpsons wasn't very good. However, I then watched the rest of the episode he was referring to and realised that he was right. That show is now utter, utter donkey shite. And he had the balls to say it."

Professor Jackson, the head of Media Studies at the University of Stratton said, "The Simposons has had the all too familiar fate of spiralling from something that was extremely good to something that is about as funny as a baby's funeral. However, what is unique is that unlike other shows it has convinced people that it is still brilliant.

"This godlike status it achieved in the '80s and '90s posted it on a plinth so high that to criticise it was near blasphemy. That is why Mr. White's statement caused such a ripple of outrage at first, but actually he may have woken up an entire generation of people."

When questioned why he felt the need to make such comments, Mr. White said that it was not for controversial reasons, "I was just saying what I saw. Everyone else seemed to be charmed by it but I just sat down and realised that nearly all the jokes, especially the ones involving Marge and Lisa were not just unfunny but cringe worthy!

"It was then that I thought 'Why did they get greedy?' and the whole show just reminded me of a big fat tit being milked until it resembled a a punctured scrotum."

"All I can say is that it's a fucking good job Murdoch wasn't around in Shakespeare's day!"

Quality of BBC to Increase Five Fold after Ross Quits

2010-01-07T15:02:00.006Z

Presenter Jonathan Ross' announcement to quit the BBC has led to speculation that the corporation may now actually have some money to spend on something decent.

A spokesman for the BBC said, "It is a good thing that Ross has gone. Now that he has quit our available budget has increased five hundred percent which means we can spend it on creating some decent programmes rather than blowing it all on one Friday night show where the host speaks about himself more than the guests do. Plus he wasn't doing the Jewish stereotype much good with a salary like that.

"The thought of creating a half decent drama series is very exciting," he added.

"Where's my money?"

Many are saying we are in desperate need for such programmes. The BBC's recent revival or sci-fi horror series Day of the Triffids met much criticism. Alan Jackson from Wales said, "I tuned in because I like Eddie Izzard when he's serious, you see. He has a likeable, mean quality to him. I started getting sceptical when they introduced the tired global warming theme, but I gave it the benefit of the doubt.

"However, the ball was dropped dead for me when he saved himself from an aeroplane crash by stealing life jackets and inflating them in the toilet of the plane. Oh really? Why didn't they try that on United-93, eh? Instead of trying to kill the bloody hijackers!

"I turned it off halfway through because I realised that all I was doing was watching two enormous tits running around a sea of blind people and deadly plants that don't exist whilst acting really badly. I thought, y'know what, I'm worth more than this. I deserve better! I do. Not Jonathan Ross. Me!"

The BBC commented on this situation saying, "Yes, the incredibly bad dramas we have been putting out that are trying so desperately to be American HBO extravaganzas will stop, we promise you that. We were merely buying time until Ross cleared off. I mean come on, did you think we were serious when we cast Tamzin Outhwaite in a series about theoretical spaceotemporal physics?

"Of course not! She's from Ilford. Now we have the money we can get someone decent like Nicholas Cage...or Keanu Reeves."

Internet Campaign to Vote in LibDems

2009-12-21T12:46:00.011Z

An internet campaign has been launched on the popular social networking site Facebook with the goal of seeing the Liberal Democrats brought to power in the 2010 general elections.

The Facebook 'group' was started by married couple Jon and Tracey Porter. Mr. Porter had this to say: "Our aim is to amass enough attention and activism so that we can topple the boring, sugary, mainstream LaboConservative politics machine that repeats the same things over and over again just in a different key.

A pipe dream, say many.

"Yes, what we are voting in is very old," he added, "it's a long shot, it has been a long time since they were popular and they do spout very misinformed opinions all over the place.

"However, the Liberal Democrats have promised a free party liaison open to the public if they get into power."

Some have pointed out that the Liberal Democrats operate under the same umbrella group as Labour and the Conservatives which is simply 'Rich, Old, Lying Men' and that your tax money will still be in the same peoples' hands.

On BBC Radio 5 earlier this week LibDem frontman Nick Clegg defended the campaign, "This isn't about the tax money, people are just sick of being spoon fed the same schmaltzy policies one after another. They want to hear something different, regardless of whether its true or not."

He was then abruptly taken off air after repeating obscenities which included, "environment", "A fresh start for Britain," and "free and open society".

Broadcaster Shelagh Fogerty then apologised saying, "Sorry, we weren't expecting him to do that - well we were, but we asked him not to and he still did - so vote Tory!"

Meanwhile, it is blazingly clear that Simon Cowell is still some how getting ridiculously richer whatever the outcome.

New Tiger Woods Game to Include Frantic Affairs

2009-12-13T02:18:00.011Z

Games developer EA Sports have announced that their new video game Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 will not be focused solely on the international golf circuit but also in the bedrooms of thousands of women.

Ensure she doesn't find out!

The game will feature a section where after you have won one of the various beautifully rendered golf tournaments you will go home have a shower, seduce a woman and then shag her beautifully rendered brains out.

A spokesman for EA said, "We are trying to keep our series of games fresh and realistic. We'd done so much on the physics system in the last game that we worried as to where we could advance the next title. Fortunately, Tiger is a devious little bastard so we utilised his success off the golf course and made a game out of it."

Tasks within the game will include choosing which excuse to tell the wife when you leave to have an affair, choosing which CGI Barbie doll to woo (choices of chat up lines range from "Hi, I'm Tiger Woods," to "Hey, wanna see a game with shafts, balls and holes that's not golf?") and finally rapidly press Y to increase the pace of unbelievably dirty sex in one of ninety-eight positions until Tiger climaxes and shouts "I'm a filthy bastard!!"

"Whilst you're having one of many frivolous affairs," said EA games designer Paul Jackson, "there will be three meters, your enjoyment which must be kept high at all costs, her enjoyment which simply gets you bonus multipliers for keeping high and a conscience meter which must be kept low.

"Though that's pretty easy, if I'm honest," he added.

If you manage to last a long time whilst keeping a high amount of "Tiger pleasure" then you will get a "Tiger Toss Pot Bonus" and his eyes will turn red and his skin will transform to that of a tiger and basically he'll go mental on her.

Further mini-games are said to include using the American legal system and persuading the women so that the story does not get leaked. "It will be a fantastically realistic simulation of what life as the number one golfer in the world is like," said Jackson, "something I am sure fans of the series will appreciate."

Ten Year Old Girl Writes Letter to Gordon Brown

2009-12-11T15:14:00.002Z

Ten year old Amy Whitterby has written a letter to the prime minister Gordon Brown asking "why did you do it?" and that she is scared "because when Mummy is gone I wont get so much money now."

The young child's letter was brought to light by certain activist groups who have scanned it and printed it on an industrial scale so that they can send a copy to every member of parliament.

A spokeswoman for Activists 'R' Us said, "Amy's letter highlights the brutality that MPs decisions have on the public in general and also young children. It warns them that they are not simply taking things but ruining lives."

The letter continues to read "I am scared to walk beyond the third lamp post in my street in case the electrisitty dies becose you have got eiver no energys or becose you have no money."

"Wot are you going to do about it? If things continue lkie this I will end up broke, in a post-apocalyptic world corsed by global warmings with 4 fucking mouths to feed. Sort it out!"

Her mother says that this matter should not be taken lightly, her daughter is genuinely scared, "She does a running jump into bed because she thinks Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg are all under her bed and are going to get her 'to give to the bankers.'"

Since the letter being sent to the prime minister he has issued a statement saying that he has "read the letter and will take the appropriate action required in order for Amy to able to sleep again without nightmares." He also insists that he does not lie in wait under little girls' beds with the opposition, but admits to "doing it once with Alistair Darling.

"The 'brows add an extra element of terror," he added, "and before you suggest it I did not overrule him as to when we should jump out on the youngster. We discussed it and both came to a mutual decision, and we acted upon it, and he was truly terrified."

Millions Cringe as FIFA SG tries to Shag Hollywood Actress

2009-12-04T23:43:00.005Z

Millions of people all around the world tuned in to what they thought was going to be the draw for the 2010 FIFA World Cup, which will be held in South Africa later next year. Instead they were presented with the most cringe worthy spectacle of a rich, middle-aged twat trying to chat up Hollywood stunner Charlize Theron.

Miss. Theron introduced FIFA secretary general Jérôme Valcke, to the stage who appeared with the leering eyes of a rapist. He then swiftly made his way to centre stage and gave her two lingering kisses that were more moist than a square meter of the Amazon rainforest. "Two," he said smiling and licking his dirty chops. Turning to the audience he smiled and shrugged as if to say "What? I am French," to which half the viewing public shouted at their TVs "Yeah, we fucking guessed!"

Valcke's IP address was
reportedly linked to this photo.

Yet, embarrassing himself once was not enough. In the style of a young Liverpudlian trying to get laid in a bar, he began slipping out football facts and testing Theron on said subject matter. To his befuddlement she was not amazed but simply embarrassed and disturbed.

"I do not understand why she did not succumb to my natural French charm," he said after the ceremony, "Does having lots of money, licking one's ear and having the face of a paedophile not attract women any more?"

The BBC and indeed FIFA itself received a flood of complaints during the show's airing. Jake Lyndhall from Kent said, "It was bloody disgusting! I felt more revolted watching this year's draw than when I watched Deliverance, Scum and The Accused all in one night."

Whilst Will Jackson from Yorkshire said, "If you pause it on Sky+ right after the third time you've puked then you can see him give her arse a little pinch. Honestly, go and have a look!"

Meanwhile, hospitals across the world have received a surge of patients whose teeth have cracked and eyelids turned inside out from cringing too much. One victim recounted, "I couldn't help it. It was just so embarrassing to watch this huge French tosser be so stereotypically cheesy. I was this close to gouging my eyes out when Charlize said, 'My, you are just a fact machine aren't you?' and looked at the audience as if to say 'Is this guy fucking kidding?'"

He added: "I bet he's gone home and knocked one out to that J'adore perfume advert. You perverted French bastard!"

Miss. Theron's agent said that she was not available for comment however she assured everyone that she has taken the appropriate action of "a hot shower every fifteen minutes to wash away the grease until she can be inspected by medical professionals for any eggs he may have laid inside her."

British Yauchtsman found to be Middle-Class

2009-12-02T14:18:00.006Z

In a shock development today British sailors, that had been arrested in Iran after sailing out of international waters, were found to be middle-class.

On discovery of this news the BBC and other news agencies immediately dispatched dozens of reporters to the leafier parts of the country to interview the yachtsmen’s parents outside their large, but not vulgar, detached, suburban homes. Others were interviewed outside Marks and Spencers, Waitrose and one just as they were getting out of their Volvo, clutching a copy of The Daily Telegraph, and The Mail for his “good lady wife”.

"We'll get a royal welcome in Gavbandi!"

As one father said, “He’s just an ordinary boy, I had no idea he was middle-class. Elizabeth and I were in the Volvo listening to Radio 2, on our way to a garden centre when it came on the news.” He added, “We’re all much happier now that we know he’s middle class, as the Foreign Office, the right wing press and the BBC will kick up much more of a fuss now if he’s killed, or if the picture of him in the paper doesn’t show his floppy blond hair”.

Professor Jeremy Williams, a lecturer of media and communications, says that being middle class in a situation of politically motivated arrest or kidnapping, can be a real boon to those in such situations, “Nobody in Guildford or Epsom wants to read about someone called William, Oliver or Jeremy being killed in some far off country, they’d much rather it was someone called Wayne, Kyle or Liam”. Indeed according to Professor Williams, being middle class is only one way of getting the quality media’s attention, “if you’re an attractive private schoolgirl, the Telegraph will naturally show an interest as many Telegraph readers like to spend several hours studying photographs of such young women…erm, to see how they can help”.

Some readers of the traditional “quality” press have asked why there was so much coverage of these young men, but not as much coverage for two young British women who faced the death penalty for smuggling drugs into Liberia. As one Daily Mail journalist commented, “Who? When did this happen? Drugs you say? Sounds like it was poor people, in which case we’re not interested,”

“Unless they happen to be killing rich people, in which case we most certainly are”.

'Deal or No Deal' Set to Undergo Gas Chamber Conversion

2009-11-28T19:03:00.005Z

Due to popular demand the set of Channel 4's Deal or No Deal is to be turned into a fully functional gas chamber in time for the next series, a spokesman confirmed today.

The conversion has been commissioned and heavily funded by the government after the home office had been put under pressure on the issue of overpopulation in the lead up to the general election. A Labour spokesperson said, "Immigration has been proven to be beneficial to the country and our economy so we really don't want to stop letting people in. However, this would lead to vast overpopulation so we have decided that every day we will execute worthless cretins whose only care in life is money and getting on TV.

"And you get top notch entertainment. It's killing two birds with one stone, except one of them isn't a bird but an estranged spinster from Wolverhampton.

Yeah, you wait 'til the credits roll.

The logistics of the show itself will also undergo a revamp, the most notable being the addition of three new boxes which contain different forms of capital punishment. The show's producer explains: "These new boxes will be green and have a picture relating to their respective penalties. One will be an electric chair, another will be hanged, drawn and quartered, and finally death by stoning.

"But, even if they get the two-fifty thou we're gonna gas the fuckers anyway," he added.

Extra, non-lethal, punishment comes in the form of five million volts which will be passed through the subject's body if they cry, offer soppy advice or make a pathetic attempt at rhyming before the commercial break. This shock will last for exactly one second, however five seconds will be administered if they start laughing manically and breaking down because they think they've got their greasy hands on so much stinking money.

Once again Channel 4 promise than none will get away: "At the end of each show the contestant will get a call from the banker and Noel will pick it up and say, 'He says that you're fucked - and it's non-negotiable.'

"And at the end of the series we'll do Edmonds in as well."

Investigation to Uncover if Taxpayers' Money was Used to Fund Extremists

2009-11-27T12:55:00.005Z

The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today pledged to launch a “deep and thorough investigation” into claims made by the Conservative leader David Cameron that taxpayers' money had been used to fund extremist groups.

In a statement to the House of Commons during Prime Minister’s questions yesterday Mr Cameron outlined how Government money had been given to political extremist groups around the country. Several hundred members of these groups, known as “The Conservative Party” and “The Labour Party”, had been found to be in receipt of billions of pounds of taxpayer’s money.

It has been reported in intelligence dossiers from police that these groups have one representative in each part of the country, and around them a cell of radical, volunteer activists known as a “constituency party”.

Many have fallen victim to these radical satellite terrorist cells. Reports show that these groups terrorise their local neighbourhoods with petitions to stop bypasses being built, or invitations to coffee mornings and fund raisers.

According to one serving MI5 agent, these groups have infiltrated the very heart of British Government, he said, “they’re everywhere, I’ve even heard that there are members of these “parties” within the House of Commons, and some have suggested they might even be in the House of Lords”.

Intelligence analysts have suggested that other groups may also be in receipt of Government money, such as a Nationalist faction that claims to be in control in Scotland. One other British group is known to exist, calling itself "The Liberal Democrats", although in a statement Scotland Yard said they “could not be sure if it existed” and if it did it was “wholly insignificant”.

Blair Confirmed as "Full of Shit"

2009-11-26T00:18:00.009Z

The Iraq Inquiry have confirmed that the previous Prime Minister of Great Britain Tony Blair, "is a hypocritical, lying little scum bag who is entirely full of horse shit", it was disclosed today.

It was revealed that Mr. Blair, who had told an entire nation and its allies that there were almost definitely weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, really knew that there was only three armed soldiers, a guard dog named Raheem and an arguably lethal looking tooth pick.

cunt noun
1. Female genitals. (vulgar)
2. This prick right here. (apt)

One member of the board of inquires stated: "He is basically guilty of all the stuff everyone speculated he was in the first place.

"But we bought his crap sandwich, ripped off the overpriced packaging and devoured its gloopy mess like the trusting public we are."

Other demeanour he is guilty of is telling Cherie he was at a meeting when he was actually out on the lash and stating he had "three 5s" in a game of Cheat when he in fact only had two 5s and a King.

Despite being accountable for 4,683 deaths (not including civilian casualties), and googols of war crimes it was admitted "he probably won't get anything in terms of punishment, in fact he'll probably be set up with a cushy job that pays in cash, delivered to his door in three HGVs every Monday morning.

"All he'll have as punishment is his conscience, which I believe is made of pure evil that is dipped in liquid helium and then moulded by the hands of Beelzebub."

"What it would take," said the world expert on utter arseholes, "is for the public to cry for blood. He has a reputation, millions of pounds and a shit ton of lawyers at his defence but if we all kicked and screamed hard enough we could nail this bastard to the Old Bailey.

"But Joe McElderry is still in The X Factor and is performing on Saturday so I doubt that'll happen."

Shock as Helena Bonham Carter to Star in New Tim Burton Film

2009-11-25T12:38:00.010Z

There were audible gasps at a press conference today as Hollywood director Tim Burton announced that Helena Bonham-Carter will star in his forthcoming film, Alice in Wonderland. The decision, which is perceived by many in the film business to be a risk for Burton, has been met by a mixture of disbelief and shock.

This announcement is to be followed by a series of other surprises which will be

Who'd have guessed it?

announced by Burton in the coming days. There have been suggestions that he may cast Johnny Depp opposite Bonham Carter, although this has been dismissed by Hollywood insiders as “ludicrous”.

Burton is determined to market Alice in Wonderland as a new break for him, away from his usual jolly, light-hearted approach. Those who have seen early shots of the film, have called it “dark” and “disturbing”. Burton himself commented “this is an experiment for me, I want to get away from previous films I’ve been involved in, and make a completely new name for myself. I’m hiring new actors, and there will be a totally different look and feel to this film. I mean the make up department has only ordered two things, blue lipstick and white facepowder. Totally different!”

Industry insiders say that Burton may even be in talks with composer Danny Elfman to supply the music to the latest film. If true this really would transform Burton’s film making into a new genre.

One moviegoer commented, “I’m really excited about this, I mean, wow, who would have thought, Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp in a Tim Burton film, it's insane. I’ve heard Danny Elfman might do the music as well, so it's going to sound precisley like Edward Scissorhands. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

Suggestions that Helena Bonham Carter is sleeping with her new director have been dismissed by her agent. A spokesman said, “They’re married, of course they’re not sleeping together”.

Twilight Sequel funds Vampire World Domination

2009-11-23T10:48:00.024Z

The latest film in the Twilight saga New Moon, has allowed the World Vampire Federation to amass enough funds to buy out the US and British governments, it was revealed late last night.

In its opening weekend New Moon generated so much money that it has completely resolved economic recessions in twenty-three different countries including the United States, Canada and Britain.

For Christ's sake, don't see Eclipse!

However, the net capital has been accumulated by the World Vampire Federation, the movie's main producer, acting under the pseudonym of Summit Entertainment.

Lord Drekul, the head of the WVF issued this statement: "It has taken us over five thousand years to get to this stage, but thanks to contemptible hormonal females we shall now take our just place as rulers of the world! Prepare for an age of death and darkness!"

When pressed on this issue he added, "Yes, that is right we don't drink the blood of animals like those pussies in the film. We made that bit up. Gaahahahaha!"

Many vampires were involved in making the film including author of the novels Stephenie Meyer and director, Chris Weitz. However, leading actor Robert Pattinson was confirmed as not being one of the undead: "He was the first sacrifice we made once the premier was over," said Drekul, "we plucked out his eyes and then severed his carotid artery and got totally hammered on his type O. It was awesome, I always hated that little cunt!"

Various world authorities now worried that the vampires' shadow of doom will spread have urged pithy little teenage girls to stop going back to the cinema for a second, third or sometimes even seventh viewing. "It doesn't matter how fit, heroic, pathetic or moany that dick head is," said the head of the United Nations, "if you want to be opening presents this Christmas and not your relatives' caskets then you better get your acts together.

"If New Moon continues to generate the revenue it has in its opening weekend then the WVF will be able to buy China. And then we are truly fucked!

"Have you seen Asian vampires?" he added, "They are like the Western ones, but faster and much more sadistic. Two billion of them chomping on your jugular is gonna make Nicole Brown's death look dignified."

However, many of Twilight's demographic will simply not listen. Mary, aged 17 from Kent said, "I don't care how much death and suffering there will be, if they exist I openly invite them to come and feast on my worthless heart which I have dedicated to Edward and Bella's love.

"Take me! Take me guardians of the night to your eternal underworld and I shall forever be a minion of evil!" she added.

Katie Price Officially the "First Cyborg", say Experts

2009-11-23T01:25:00.012Z

British supermodel Katie Price, also known as Jordan, has been declared the "first cyborg" by the Department of Robotic Object Implementation Division (DROID).

The announcement was made when William Jackson, the head of DROID saw her inhuman ability to grab a starfish out of a pit of wreathing maggots on ITV1's I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!

"We'd always had our

Now compatible with customisable Apps.

suspicions about Ms. Price as a qualified cyborg," said Jackson, "because the definition demands that the entity be half human and half artificial. Well as you know, she has more plastic parts in her than my Smart car so that made her the perfect candidate.

"However, it was the behavioural aspect that needed clarifying and I'm a Celeb on Saturday night provided precisely that clarification."

Assistant Project Manager at DROID Jake Lyndhall, has now trawled through hours and hours of I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! Live. After coming round from the induced coma he had this to say: "In typical cyborg fashion she first of all imitated human behaviour by pretending to cry - but did you see a tear? Did you fuck!

"This façade was made even more obvious when she instantly switched off the waterworks. Even Colin McAllister noticed that and he's a fucking interior designer! Furthermore, he described her as 'Ironman' - coincidence? CO-incidence?! I think not!"

Price was voted by the public to retrieve a plastic starfish with her mouth from the bottom of a pool of viscous liquid, followed by a container filled with maggots. Her unwavering ability to do both has lead to Jackson's confirmation that she is in fact an android "like the ones you see in the movies, except she's useless and looks less natural."

However, other commentators have suggested that Jordan has an affinity for both sticky, white liquids and, from her marriage to Peter Andre small, pathetic, wriggly things in and around her mouth. Consequentially, they believe we should not be so quick to label her as a cyborg.

Carl Peterson from Croydon said, "I must have spent a total of eighteen hours in the past week sitting in front of my telly at 3AM rubbing my todger off to her. Are you trying to tell me that after all that, she's a fucking robot?!"

"Unfortunately for Mr. Peterson, that is in fact true," says Jackson, "her feedback loops told her that she picked up a husband on that show last time and now she has returned in true robotic style to hunt another.

"But the public has gone rogue against her forcing her to lots of nasty, dirty stuff over and over again. I can't think why. She may seem mentally unstable because of this but all she needs is a good old defragmenting."

A film is already in the works with Spielberg directing, called A.U. - Artificial Unintelligence. Megan Fox is set to play the central role and has to undergo seven hours of make up every day to make it look like she's had an industrial sized vat of acid chucked over her face.

'Andrew Marr's Silly Voices' to Get a Second Series

2009-11-21T14:38:00.010Z

The BBC has given the green light to a second series of Andrew Marr's Silly Voices, a show where the journalist travels around Britain doing ludicrous impressions of twentieth century icons.

The decision has been backed by the huge ratings the first series has achieved, an audience largely compromised by smug Radio4 listeners who take delight in believing themselves to be more intelligent than the rest of the country.

Next series starts with Al Pacino.

BBC producer, Jake Lyndhall said, "Andrew Marr's Silly Voices has quite rightly taken the nation by storm. The formula of doing bad and hugely exaggerated impressions of famous historic people in no particular order is something fresh and innovative. Trust old Marr to think of that, eh?"

One viewer and avid Silly Voices fan had this to say, "I just love it how he is discussing the birth of radio one moment in Essex, then Churchill's refusal to hand Africa to the Nazis the next in Westminster, then the bloke who invented cheese in Leicestershire and then Churchill and the war again in Westminster!

"And all whilst making them sound like the outrageous stereotypes they were! Bloody genius, it is!" he added.

However, Professor William Jackson, the head of history at the University of Stratton feels the show is misleading: "I had a student today come up and ask me why I had never told the class that the invention of the motor car came after World War II.

"How anyone can think that telling us about a supposed orgy at Garsington manor between Bertrand Russell, Lord Asquith and Virginia Woolf is history, I do not know! And just so he can tenuously link it to a section where he does various awful Nottinghamshire accents in an attempt to impersonate DH Lawrence."

"The only thing that gives me comfort is that in a hundred years time there will be some journalist git with huge prosthetic lugs on quoting some banal piece of shit he said whilst sitting round the dinner table."

Yet, James McClayton from Devon says that show is educational, "I've learnt a lot watching Marr's show! I know exactly who shagged who and which figures were the most conceited, mouthy, yet undeniably witty bastards of the twentieth century.

"If that didn't make Britain, I don't know what did!"

JLS Prove Time Travel is Possible, say Scientists

2009-11-20T20:45:00.016Z

Physicists at numerous Universities and research bodies from around the UK have today announced that boyband JLS are in fact time lords.

The news was revealed after research was conducted upon the members of JLS and found that they are genuinely one hundred per cent 1990s tripe.

Professor William Lyndhall, one of the scientists assigned to the project said, "They have all the qualities of your average Top of the Pops act circa 1996. Dressing completely in a single shade, exposed pectoral muscles, shitty dance moves where the singers swap positions on stage and one gay member that will kill himself in Majorca are all fundamental properties of crap 90s pop acts.

Like Dr. Who, except they suck.

"Furthermore, carbon dating of the singers' clothes has revealed that they are in fact from this time period and so must have used a time machine and travelled to 2009 to expose us to music that makes your genitals turn inside out."

However many Twitter members disagreed with the study's results. Lyndhall's personal twitter received 12,452 angry replies after he linked the results in a tweet; <3jls said "Shut up!!1! JLS are wel sxy adn u r a fking ugli BIAATCH!" and amandasexylilthang said, "OMG!1 yOu SuCk GaY dIcK! wtf! UZA FUCKIN NOBB ROT!!!11!!" whilst toryboy01 commented, "I don't like the idea that my tax money is funding such inutile nonsense." He received a further two thousand insults.

Professor Lyndhall insists that the aggressive comments do not worry him. "It doesn't change the results of the study," he said, "I just tried explaining it to them in simple tweet terms that it's like in the movie Back to the Future when Michael J Fox travels back in time and astounds everyone with Johnny B Goode.

"Except it's coming forward in time and causing everyone over the age of sixteen to jam pencils down their ears with Everybody In Love."

Further investigations are currently taking place to see if its possible to use the time travelling technology to transport Peter Andre to a post-apocalyptic era where giant beetles rule the world and feed on childrens' shoes complimented by greasy, untalented toss pots.

BBC4 to Ban Rational Opinions

2009-11-18T23:19:00.005Z

The BBC have announced that its Today programme on Radio 4 will accept only views or opinions that make absolutely no logical sense.

Controversy was sparked when certain atheists complained that their views were not being heard on the "Thought for a Day" section the programme. A part traditionally reserved for people of different religious beliefs to air their opinions.

Against criticism and accusations of breaching various broadcasting regulations the BBC have held their ground claiming that the complaints have been sourced from confusion. BBC spokesman Jake Lyndhall said, "I feel the issue is being misconstrued, it is not about atheists specifically but simply that their views make perfect sense. The "Thought for a Day" section of the Today programme is exclusively for people who like to make up anything they want based on absolutely nothing and speak about it as if it is a hard, respectable fact.

"Think of it as a kind of diplomatic whilst extremely patronising peace treaty," he added, "it has saved a lot of lives. In fact, experts agree that if we didn't allow them this fifteen minutes every morning the crusades would still be in full flow."

The BBC has now released new guidelines which are designed to clarify this issue: "Comments which reflect the nature of the universe accurately, contain scientific method or are correct are still not to be broadcast. Whereas those that mention anything ridiculous such as a God's existence, that we will eradicate the Taliban or that Evan Davis is good looking, get their opinion heard.

Furthermore, the names "Descartes", "Leibniz" and "Kant" cannot be mentioned on air for fear of suggesting clear headed thinking to listeners.

"It's a matter of choice," says Lyndhall, "just keep it stupid."

Obama Imprisoned in China

2009-11-16T20:59:00.001Z

The US President Barack Obama has been imprisoned in China for making antigovernment speeches, it was revealed today.

Barack Obama's tour of east Asia was brought to a abrupt halt when he suggested the radical idea that even Chinese people deserve to say whatever they bloody well please. After his speech he was arrested for treason by two armed policeman and whisked off to the nearest prison where he is sharing a cell with a psychopathic Triad gang member named Yung-Din.

"When are visiting hours?"

In a press statement the Chinese government said that as a strictly authoritarian country this is the usual response for suggesting that they may be - just may be - slightly corrupt and immoral. They also noted that President Obama's comments concerning internet censorship contributed to the reasons for his arrest. A spokesman for the government simply said, "We no need your American boobie!"

President Obama claims that he was not insinuating anything about pornography but believes the Chinese public deserve an internet service that does not merely consist of three pages on Google describing how attractive Hu Jintao is and 1.5 billion World of Warcraft servers.

However, much of the public stand by the government. Song Ying said, "China is the best country in the world! What Mr. Obama does not realise is that our society is based on a reward system like his. For example, I work twenty-two hours a day in an asbestos factory and in return the government allows me to raise a child in a 6x5 foot shack next to a nuclear power station.

"And all that for free!" she added.

Video Game causes Psychopath Epidemic

2009-11-11T21:37:00.011Z

Millions of teenagers all over the Western world have begun manic killing sprees because they saw it in a video game.

Modern Warfare 2 which was released worldwide yesterday contains a level where the player massacres hundreds of innocent civilians in an airport. On completion, 98.3% of males aged

"Get me my rifle, Ma!"

between eight and nineteen went out and recreated what they saw with their dads' modified air rifle.

Timmy, aged fourteen from Worcester said, "I was getting A's at school, had a paper round and did bell ringing for my local Church. My brother then told me to play this new video game. I have now killed over three hundred men and women, eleven grannies and two babies."

He added: "I think it's because I don't know the difference between real life and computer generated pixels on a TV screen."

An opinion supported by experts - Professor Jackson, head of the Department of Social Studies and Gross Exaggerations from the University of Stratton said, "This was the obvious outcome from producing such a violent video game. It happened in the '80s when PacMan players refused to move anywhere without eating everything and anything in their path. That resulted in the American obesity problems that remains today. Now it's happened again but with much worse consequences."

"That video games influence real life behaviour is simply a hard fact, there's nothing more to it," said Mrs. Craghall, the mother of America's Most Wanted as of this morning. "It's not like books or films or other mediums. No, these kids think these games are actually happening. My son will not go anywhere unless he is constantly holding an M4A1 rifle right in front of his nose.

"He keeps shouting at me to check my corners and lobs a flashbang into the kitchen every morning before sitting down and eating his breakfast," she added.

The home office issued a statement which contained: "Demonising these computer game designers is completely justified. They need to think about the serious consequences their immensely entertaining products will have upon children who would otherwise be perfectly sane, unspoilt and angelic."

Meanwhile in Japan, the most popular video game KuzyaGoGo 5 has caused the whole nation to ride a smiling pig before farting yellow fairy dust and flying to the top of very high skyscrapers to molest a questionable girl in a revealing school uniform.

Further Resignations lead to Drugs Council Termination

2009-11-10T20:24:00.008Z

Three more government advisors have quit the Advisory Council in protest to the sacking of Professor Nutt, which leaves the department completely and utterly empty.

The only person available to comment was the cleaner who said, "Them ones were the last of 'em."

However, home secretary Alan Johnson, who was responsible for the sacking of Professor Nutt, commented: "In hindsight, I still don't regret my decision. We never listened to the sodding science in the first place and now we've thrown it completely out the window."

When asked what the new methods of drug legislation will now be, Johnson said, "Firstly, we have decided to change the ABC categorisation method to something more intuitive so young people know what they are getting into. Now, instead of a mere letter, the drug category is self-explanatory as to the effects that its constitutes will have.

"So in ascending order it is 'Cotton Mouth and Tingling', 'Slightly Buzzing', 'Getting Mental' and then 'Debt and a Dead Baby'. Finally there is now a super category simply known as 'The Winehouse-Doherty Factor' but that's only for crazy arsed cocktails where you come round having fucked Anne Widdecomb, eaten two of your fingers and set half of Coventry on fire."

When pushed to comment on how drugs were put into these categories Johnson said, "Me and Jacqui sat down with every illegal narcotic known to man and then just got absolutely muntered! Then we rang up Chris [Grayling] and told him to 'get his arse over here!'

"We were meant to be holding a debate over immigration control!" he chuckled, "but once we started on the ganj Chris, Jacqui, myself and the pink unicorn realised that arguing was a pointless exercise.

"And it was all done completely unscientifically; we just banned the stuff we didn't like. So now if you are caught with Robsinson's barely water you can receive five years in prison and a £900,000 fine.

"I just don't like the after taste," he added, screwing up his face.

Lisbon Treaty Void as Brown "Mispells Own Name"

2009-11-09T23:35:00.010Z

The Lisbon Treaty has been declared null and void after the Prime Minister Gordon Brown failed to spell his own name correctly when signing it.

After months of complex diplomacy, two referenda in Ireland and numerous protests by the Conservative Party, the Lisbon treaty can no longer be implemented after Gordon Brown mistakenly signed the ratification papers “Gawden Broon”, rendering the document worthless.

"I need a new pair."

The shock comes after all Brown’s papers had to be re-evaluated following the revelation that he had mis-spelled a soldier’s name in a letter of condolence. After the incident came to light, all the documents Brown had written since becoming Prime Minister had to be rechecked, leading to the discovery of a vast catalogue of errors.

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling, is believed to be fuming as the £175 billion bank bailout has now emerged only to have cost £1.75 Million. The larger figure was added, due only to Brown’s poor spelling. A treasury source said, “I can’t believe it, everybody just assumed the figure was right, the banks said nothing either, no wonder they’re now giving themselves a bonus!”

Whilst the Tories were initially pleased at the news that the Treaty is now dead, David Cameron faced a new blow, as it emerged Gordon Brown had accidentally won an election two years ago, when he misread a document that he thought quashed speculation that a general election was imminent, when in fact the paper meant an election was held without anyone noticing. The only person to notice the error was the eagle eyed Ed Miliband, who hadn’t realised nobody else had noticed. The single vote led Labour to vistory with a 100% majority, giving Brown another three years in power.

A Downing Street Source said “Gordon is going to carry on as he was, he can’t see why there is a problem. It's not surprising as to be fair, he can’t really see much at all.”

Haye to fight Hercules

2009-11-09T19:14:00.022Z

New heavyweight champion and rather middle class British boxer David Haye, is set to fight Greek demigod Hercules, it was revealed today.

After beating Russian heavyweight ogre Nikolai Valuev, Haye now wants something bigger, harder and stronger to fight so he sent a request to Hercules who has accepted.

Haye commented: "Valuev was the biggest mortal in the Universe, so now I gotta aim higher. Otherwise I'll never reach that peak I know I am capable of."

When one journalist asked if he was a slightly out of his depth fighting the strongest being in the cosmos Haye replied, "They said that I didn't have the reach for the Russian. They doubted! And I proved 'em wrong! Doubt again! You will see! I'll knock seven shades of ichor out of that Greek freak!"

Hercules'

"Holy shit!"

agent said that he was unavailable for comment as he was "busy slaying a Hydra in the eternal battle between good and evil."

He further stated: "But don't worry. He has booked next Saturday off for the fight, it's on Zeus' rota sheet."

Meanwhile, professors at the University of Stratton have discovered that since Saturday night, Haye is now the biggest ego in Britain, despite "being surprisingly polite and well spoken for a boxer.

"Unless you are in the ring with him," they quickly added, "then his civility dramatically reduces."

Cheryl Cole "Too Hot for Consumption", say Health Ministers

2009-11-08T17:24:00.006Z

Health Ministers have issued a public warning against the consumption of pop star and X-factor judge, Cheryl Cole, it was revealed today.

Amongst the reasons given for this action were that Cole is "too spicy", "saliva inducing to the point of osmotic shock" and as Health Minister Phil Hope put it, "just too bloody saucy!"

"This much

Cole may come with a package warning.

spiciness consumed at once," another Minister said, "is causing more public harm than good. Apart from leading to serious heartburn and very bad sore throats she has had a drastic negative impact on the economic infrastructure of Britain because half the nation are male and are jerking the sausage wrapping like chimps twenty-three hours a day - no work is getting done!"

One man, Jake Lyndhall from Essex said, "I used to be the CEO of a major limited company, until one day I walked into HMV and saw the new Girls Aloud album cover. I've spent so much time masturbating over that and Cheryl Cole's unofficial calender that I've lost my job and family. The kids don't even call me dad any more, they ask mummy when they 'will see the goo goo man again.'"

The board of Health commented: "The only thing we can hope for is that people are put off of her because her music is so bad. We have begun tests where we play five Cole-infatuates her new single over and over at one hundred and five decibels. Fortunately, just like at Wako, it seems to be working!"

Cheryl Cole herself said, "Well, I just see me glorious beauty as a side project to me music - which I write completely on me own y'understand!

"Apart from me amazing collaborations. Speaking of which, I was thinking of teaming up with Chris Brown for a record but then all that stuff happened with Rihanna. I'm too scared now. Aye! Ye'll transform us! Into a bloody mess on the kitchen floor, man!"

She added: "Plus he's black and ye know how well I get on with them'uns!"

Roland Emmerich to make 'Macbeth'

2009-11-08T01:50:00.002Z

Visionary filmmaker Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow) has signed up to create a silver screen version of the classic Shakespearean tragedy Macbeth.

Emmerich says that he is looking forward to starting the project after he completes his latest blockbuster 2012, a movie about the Mayan prophecy that soon the shit is really going to hit the fan - something that many film critics predict will happen to a much worse degree on November 13th 2009, the movie's release date. One critic, Jake Lyndall commented, "I obviously haven't seen it yet but I am so confident that it will be the worst piece of faeces this side of the apocalypse that I have bet Larry in the pub fifty quid, my wife, child and half of my right testicle that this will be the case."

Emmerich stated that his vision of Macbeth may be a little different to previous productions: "The plot will obviously remain true to the genius of Shakespeare. However, in previous envisions of the play, Macbeth's world falls apart subjectively, too him alone, on a mental level. I thought we could extrapolate that to a literal sense so the audience witnesses his tragic downfall against a backdrop of earthquakes, tsunamis and basically poorly rendered CGI shit flying about.

"It will be something new," he added, "an area of storytelling I don't think I've ventured into before."

Others are not so happy at the news. Sir Christopher Bland, the head of the Royal Shakespeare Company has already sworn that if the film gets the green light he will strangle Emmerich with the first edition film print of Independence Day, before blowing his brains out whilst everyone involved in the project is forced to watch. Bland commented: "As soon as I heard about it I rang [Emmerich] up to see how he was approaching the film. Three minutes in he told me that King Duncan will be a computer generated alien and before Macbeth kills him he says 'Now let's see how well yo dead green ass can rule Scotland!' I've since been arrested by the CIA because I mentioned thirty-six of the thirty-nine key 'terrorist words' in the following two minutes of the phone conversation."

When questioned, Emmerich assured Shakespeare fans to remain calm because his Macbeth will also be released in 3D, "So everything is just fine."