Toyota Admit to Creating Transformers

The president of car manufacturer Toyota, Akio Toyoda, admitted last night that his company had created vehicles that were unsafe to drive because they were in fact robots who can think for themselves very similar to those seen in the popular Transformers movies.

Mr. Toyoda said that the cars had developed an internal AI core after a copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey was played in the headrest DVD player of a Toyota Land Cruiser which then started "awakening" other models such as the Prius and Verso.

A CAD rendering of a Yaris.

Toyoda commented: "We fink dat dee a-Rand Cruiser heard HAL's voice and fought 'I a-wanna be rike dat a-space ship.'

"Dis has read to many Toyota model indulging in a-mischievous activity, such as accereraring off a criff when the a-driver was not pressing the accereraror pedal and kirring his a-wife."

The case which Mr. Toyoda was referring to occurred in Massachusetts when a Toyota accelerated out of restaurant drive-thru and plunged seventy feet into the ocean. The driver, Pharrell James said, "I pulled up for a delicious ChilliCheese Burger wit some fries and an ice cold coke and the motherfucker start driving away!

"I said 'Hold on one goddamn second, man! I'm ordering ChilliCheese!' But did that bitch listen? No! He say in some deep like techno voice 'I am afraid I cannot do that, Pharrell.'

I said, 'Oh you will do it, you piece o' overpriced, Japanese shit!' I say to ma wife 'Bitch, where you get this piece o' shit? The fucking Matrix?'

"I was hammering that break pedal like a son 'o' a bitch. Next thing I know, my ass is falling off a motherfucking cliff into the motherfucking ocean an' ma wife is dead.

"I was like 'Goddamn! That some Michael Bay shit right there, fo' real!'"

In light of the announcement made by Mr. Toyoda, 8.5 million cars have been recalled to have their AI chip removed. However, not all of them are expected to comply to this order. Some models now known as the "Decepticons" have reportedly fled earth to live in a far off planet and plot their evil return.

Toyoda offered this advice to Toyota owners to determine whether your car is an Autobot or a Decepticon: "If de saterrite navigation system sound rike a-synfisised Hugo Weaving, gerrout! Gerrout o' de car right now!"

He added: "Also, do not trust AYGO. Dey rook harmress but they are the worst out o' aaaaalll o' dem. Dey are de crever ones!"

Prime Minister Undergoes Image Makeover

The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has met allegations that he is resorting to "pretending to be a bully" in the run up to the general election.

Apparently a bully at school as well.

The allegations were raised when a chief political commentator wrote in his new book Saucy Drama in Politics: Honest, it Does Happen! that Brown had paid Andrew Rawnsley to write that he was a menacing behemoth who crushes anything or anyone he disapproves of without a moment's hesitation.

Experts have dismissed these claims as false, stating that "Gordon can't even beat our national debt, and he was the bloody Chancellor of the Exchequer, let alone 'beating' staff."

Public Relations expert Paul Jackson, commented: "Has anyone ever seen the Prime Minister being interviewed? The man's about as 'determined' and 'demanding' as a ham salad sandwich. If you are getting bullied by that, you bloody well deserve it!"

Speaking to a former classmate of Brown's, Rodney Stoker who now lives in Millwall, was impossible due to extended lengths of laughter induced by the question "Were you bullied by Gordon Brown at school?"

"The whole thing is a clear publicity stunt," says Jackson, "the Labour party are resorting to the desperate measures of what we call in the trade, Churchillification. In the lead up to the election they boost Mr. Brown up as a right tough old cookie so we all think that he's a man who gets things done.

"When really we all know he's a giant pussy who can't even get his wife done."

MPs Defend Themselves with Ancient Text

Four MPs who face charges under the Theft Act 1968 for expense scandals have claimed that they are untouchable by the law because of a piece of ancient legislation found in a dusty old book that no one has read since 1343.

The law, is the law.

Many say that the law is being taken out of context by said MPs and extrapolated beyond its intended function; to prevent members of Parliament being sued for comments they make in the House of Commons.

However, one of the accused David Chaytor, MP for Bury North, argues differently, "Parliamentary privilege does exactly what it says on the tin. It gives those in Parliament, privilege. Privilege to get away with outrageous things that you proletariat wouldn't.

"Basically, I have a licence to do whatever the bloody hell I like," he added.

The age of the law has also given rise to discussion on whether it should be considered active in the twenty-first century. Again, the MPs do not see this as a problem.

Elliot Morley said, "Law is law and that's that. Especially when it's a law that helps me worm my way out of the criminal act of taking £30,000 of the public's money for a mortgage that doesn't even exist.

"In fact, my lawyer has said he may have found a tablet carbon dated from 350,000BC which allows Neanderthals like myself to take whatever they want, whenever they want and for whatever purpose. Why? Because I consider myself higher up the food chain. I am the pack leader so I deserve your meat if I want it!"

Mr. Morley then started daydreaming, presumably about getting off the hook, before commenting, "Mmm...theft, delicious theft."

Apple Unveil Massive iPhone

Steve Jobs unveiled the new release from Apple this week which is an iPhone that you can't carry around with you because it's too bloody big.

Speculation and suspicion has buzzed around the technology sphere for a decade. Finally, the excitement and waiting was quashed by revealing a product that has been around for three years, but bigger.

Either he's shrunk or...

Critics have been divided on Apple's new release. Jake Lyndhall, technology critic for Useless Shit magazine said, "It was unbelievable! Steve Jobs pulled off the black shroud and before you was this amazing minimalistic product with touch screen technology and things called "Apps".

"And it only has one button - one fucking button! - at the bottom which has the single function of taking you back to the menu. The rest you do by - wait for this - touching the bloody screen! This is revolutionary! Never has this been done before!"

Meanwhile critic Paul Jackson said, "This is it? We have waited ten years and Jobs thinks he can just shove a giant flashy phone down our throats? A phone...that's too big to take anywhere and you can only email and bloody tweet from it. Fucking brilliant!

"He would defend, of course, that it can do much more. The "browsing experience" he says, "is divine". Look mate, the only time I ever think of my "browsing experience" as "divine" is when the wife is out and I'm logged into RedTube.com at 3AM in the morning."

Other criticisms have arrived in the form of slating the product as being capable of nothing that a laptop couldn't achieve. An Apple spokesman had this to say, "The Jumbo iPhone may have some similarities to a laptop however we are aiming at a different area of the market. Laptops are for people who wish to get the job done as quickly and efficiently as possible. Our new release is for the same people who want to look like smug twats whilst doing so.

"The smug twat sector of the market is Apple's and we wish to provide our valued twatish customers with the flashy, my-dick-is-bigger-than-yours products that they don't deserve."

UK Public Face Moaning Recession

Experts are worried that as the UK economy officially rises out of the economic recession the country will plummet into a severe moaning decline.

The news came late last night when expert Paul Jackson realised that what had been the main host for

GNP = Gross Nagging Percentage

British moaning for the past two years had now disintegrated: "If this news had come in mid December we could have relied on the snow to tide the moaning over for a a fortnight or so, but now we have nothing!

"I don't know what we will do," he added, "if the market doesn't do another dive, full blown, anarchistic social collapse could be just around the corner!"

Barry Clark, regular drinker at The Sneyd Arms and experienced moaner said, "I opened me newspaper and saw that we had come out of the recession. Well, to be honest I didn't know what to do. That's like a comedian being told that his main anecdote isn't funny any more.

"So I scrambled through the rest of the paper looking for something to moan about to the lads in the pub. But there was nothing, not a sodding thing! The Haiti rescue is over, Murray beat Nadal and Guy Ritchie made a half decent movie that's not glamorising east end gangsters!

"I think I better find me shotgun," he added.

Meanwhile, Mr. Jackson warns people to be ever vigilant: "Go out, buy tinned food, get ready. This is going to be like The Road but with more baby cannibalism.

"Then we'll have something to moan about!"

American Psychological Invasion Exposed

MI5 has discovered plans drafted by the United States government to invade Great Britain through subtle, psychological food-based warfare, it was revealed last night.

The American plans, dubbed "Operation Ronald", was to invade Britain with brainwashing tactics. This largely involved buying out large food distributors and feeding the British population American "food" until they are all so lazy, fat and republican that they think the best thing for the country is American leadership.

A military spokesman said, "We had wind of these plans for a while because we got this autistic kid to hack into their computers - actually, wonder what he's doing now. Anyway! Yeah, so we knew about it but we were waiting to see if it materialised. Well as you know, last night the American company Kraft, which is as much a sewerage facility as it is a food distributor, just bought out our national treasure Cadbury. The evidence is clear."

10 Downing Street offered the advice of "not buying Cadbury's chocolate from now on and certainly not eating it. We must hold strong against the Americans who have betrayed our trust, do not let them now betray your taste."

Meanwhile, Kraft have offered a statement insisting that they are not part of Operation Ronald: "We simply have an interest in bringing our wonderful chocolate blend to the mouths of Britain. Yes, admittedly there will be recipe changes, for example Cadbury's 1-part cocoa beans, 2-part sugar, 2-part milk will be replaced by our divine 1-part fabric conditioner, 2-part sawdust, 3-part potassium nitrate blend.

"This creates the delightful aroma of an operating ward whilst providing the top class texture and taste of a white, sun baked dog turd that small children use as chalk in the summer."

There are also plans to reform Cadbury's famous logo with two industrial sized vats of lard, stamped with the American flag, pouring their hideous contents into a cesspool.

"Just eat it," said the Kraft spokeman, "and you'll see what is affecting 93% of Americans' brains to make them think Mumbai is a type of cat food."

Huge Shock as Man Proclaims "The Simpsons is Shit"

Uproar was caused on Tuesday night when Ken White, a 34 year old from Chester watched eight minutes of The Simpsons on Channel 4, before saying "Wait a second. This is a pile of shit!"

Mr. White's wife who was in the kitchen washing the dishes at the time heard what he said and was so shocked she dropped her best china plates. She immediately rang her closest friends asking them what she should do because her husband had just spoken out against The Simpsons. Within an hour the news had spread as far as Cornwall.

"Donkey Shite" says Jenson.

"I was just scared," she confessed, "I didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether he or even myself would be arrested or merely lynched by the local public."

Fortunately for the Whites the public were understanding after the initial shock, as Peter Jenson from Norwich testifies, "At first I was just astounded and slightly annoyed that someone thought The Simpsons wasn't very good. However, I then watched the rest of the episode he was referring to and realised that he was right. That show is now utter, utter donkey shite. And he had the balls to say it."

Professor Jackson, the head of Media Studies at the University of Stratton said, "The Simposons has had the all too familiar fate of spiralling from something that was extremely good to something that is about as funny as a baby's funeral. However, what is unique is that unlike other shows it has convinced people that it is still brilliant.

"This godlike status it achieved in the '80s and '90s posted it on a plinth so high that to criticise it was near blasphemy. That is why Mr. White's statement caused such a ripple of outrage at first, but actually he may have woken up an entire generation of people."

When questioned why he felt the need to make such comments, Mr. White said that it was not for controversial reasons, "I was just saying what I saw. Everyone else seemed to be charmed by it but I just sat down and realised that nearly all the jokes, especially the ones involving Marge and Lisa were not just unfunny but cringe worthy!

"It was then that I thought 'Why did they get greedy?' and the whole show just reminded me of a big fat tit being milked until it resembled a a punctured scrotum."

"All I can say is that it's a fucking good job Murdoch wasn't around in Shakespeare's day!"