Prime Minister has an Opinion

Shock rippled across the country this week as the Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught expressing an opinion.

Deckard's called off Gordon's case.

The event occurred on Wednesday morning. Gordon Brown got into his car after talking to the people of a small Manchurian suburb and a SkyNews microphone inadvertently picked up what is known to mortal members of the public as a "private conversation".

The shock revelation that politicians are anything near human has caused uproar. Barry Strongbeard who was not at the location when it happened and trusts The Sun's recollection of it completely said, "I think it is absolutely disgusting that Gordon Brown, a man in power, is allowed to have a personal opinion about someone and what's more express that opinion when he thought he was in private. It's outrageous!"

Sally Lyndhall from Lancashire commented, "It's just not right is it? It's not right that in the twenty-first century we have a man running the country who is not a robot who never ever makes a sweeping statement out of frustration. If C-3PO was PM this wouldn't have happened.

"He would have just got in the car and bickered with his spin doctor R2-D2, and they'd drive back to Number 10, and there would be a screen wipe transition, and some nice music, and we'd all be happy because we would be getting the complete fantasy world we seem to expect from modern day life.

"That's how politics should be!" she added.

The weight that Brown's personal opinion will have on the public opinion polls is expected to be gargantuan. Similar results are expected in the election this week, due to most people basing their vote on which leader they'd prefer to have a cup of tea with whilst chatting about last week's episode of Come Dine with Me, rather than policies.

Not all have been disgusted by Brown's utterances. Mr. Jackson had been out of the country when the event happened, he said "I came back on Saturday and read the papers. Well, the amount of attention they were all giving Mrs. Duffy, I thought she'd been raped and utilised as a human toilet or something.

"This is all a little silly isn't it? The man expresses an opinion that is no worse to what every Guardian reader bleats out eleven times a week and everyone starts going fucking mental!"

Meanwhile, everyone remains absolutely certain that both David Cameron and Nick Clegg have never said anything remotely similar in private about a member of the public.

Prime Minister Undergoes Image Makeover

The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has met allegations that he is resorting to "pretending to be a bully" in the run up to the general election.

Apparently a bully at school as well.

The allegations were raised when a chief political commentator wrote in his new book Saucy Drama in Politics: Honest, it Does Happen! that Brown had paid Andrew Rawnsley to write that he was a menacing behemoth who crushes anything or anyone he disapproves of without a moment's hesitation.

Experts have dismissed these claims as false, stating that "Gordon can't even beat our national debt, and he was the bloody Chancellor of the Exchequer, let alone 'beating' staff."

Public Relations expert Paul Jackson, commented: "Has anyone ever seen the Prime Minister being interviewed? The man's about as 'determined' and 'demanding' as a ham salad sandwich. If you are getting bullied by that, you bloody well deserve it!"

Speaking to a former classmate of Brown's, Rodney Stoker who now lives in Millwall, was impossible due to extended lengths of laughter induced by the question "Were you bullied by Gordon Brown at school?"

"The whole thing is a clear publicity stunt," says Jackson, "the Labour party are resorting to the desperate measures of what we call in the trade, Churchillification. In the lead up to the election they boost Mr. Brown up as a right tough old cookie so we all think that he's a man who gets things done.

"When really we all know he's a giant pussy who can't even get his wife done."

Lisbon Treaty Void as Brown "Mispells Own Name"

The Lisbon Treaty has been declared null and void after the Prime Minister Gordon Brown failed to spell his own name correctly when signing it.

After months of complex diplomacy, two referenda in Ireland and numerous protests by the Conservative Party, the Lisbon treaty can no longer be implemented after Gordon Brown mistakenly signed the ratification papers “Gawden Broon”, rendering the document worthless.

"I need a new pair."

The shock comes after all Brown’s papers had to be re-evaluated following the revelation that he had mis-spelled a soldier’s name in a letter of condolence. After the incident came to light, all the documents Brown had written since becoming Prime Minister had to be rechecked, leading to the discovery of a vast catalogue of errors.

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling, is believed to be fuming as the £175 billion bank bailout has now emerged only to have cost £1.75 Million. The larger figure was added, due only to Brown’s poor spelling. A treasury source said, “I can’t believe it, everybody just assumed the figure was right, the banks said nothing either, no wonder they’re now giving themselves a bonus!”

Whilst the Tories were initially pleased at the news that the Treaty is now dead, David Cameron faced a new blow, as it emerged Gordon Brown had accidentally won an election two years ago, when he misread a document that he thought quashed speculation that a general election was imminent, when in fact the paper meant an election was held without anyone noticing. The only person to notice the error was the eagle eyed Ed Miliband, who hadn’t realised nobody else had noticed. The single vote led Labour to vistory with a 100% majority, giving Brown another three years in power.

A Downing Street Source said “Gordon is going to carry on as he was, he can’t see why there is a problem. It's not surprising as to be fair, he can’t really see much at all.”