"Fuck it" says Clegg

The leader of the Liberal Democrats today said in a press statement, "Y'know what, fuck it and all its worth. What a shitting waste of my fucking, cunting time!"

"Fuck off!"

Angered by the lack of opinion poll merit materialising into votes, Clegg has decided that he can't be arsed with the whole routine if people are just going to agree with him in the run up before voting Tory.

"It's unbelievable!" he said, "The public just led me on and then chucked me away like a used condom. It's like the 27th woman I tried nailing; she was a toughie, played bloody mind games! She teased me, told me how attractive I was and then when I got the lass into bed she said 'she couldn't do this'.

"What a frigid little slapper, eh? Well guess what Britain, you just did the same fucking thing, you whore!

"And you know how that series of events ended? With me getting into bed with her best friend, just like I'm gonna do now!"

David Cameron has also indicated that he would be prepared to form a coalition government with the Liberal Democrats. If both parties do make an official agreement many say it will squander everything the LibDems stand for.

"Well, you made me do it," said Clegg, "I've spent a month believing that I could not get the Liberal Democrats in power but at least make them a respected party in time for the next election - a serious choice in people's minds. And everyone says 'Yes Nick, you can. We agree, we love you Nick, you're the new sodding Susan Boyle!' I worked and worked and worked and then what happens? We don't gain fifty seats. Not twenty or ten, not even one. We lose five fucking seats!!

"FIVE!!" he added.

"Fucking Lembit Opik lost! If Lembit fucking Opik lost then what cocking chance do the Liberal shitting Democrats have?! Fuck it, where's David? I've got a feeling the 31st person I sleep with is not going to be a woman."