Scientists Create Life with More Intelligence than Creationists

Scientists in California have successfully created the first fully synthetic micro-organism that has more intelligence than creationists and The Daily Mail's key demographic put together.

The scientific breakthrough which involved placing completely artificial DNA into a host cell has created a microbe of very simplistic nature.

Not taking the Alpha course.

Yet many experts claim it to have "more coherent and logical thought patterns than most creationists" despite it not having a brain.

"It's quite astonishing to think what we have managed," said Dr. Paul Jackson who worked on the project, "a single celled organism that is less ignorant, self-important and solipsistic than 98% of Alabama.

"The organism simply wanders around its petridish bumping into other microscopic things and regulating it's osmotic potential. Yet our studies show that this is a much more sensible way to live a life than spending two hours a week in a building talking to a fictitious character who is merely the product of ancient political manipulation.

"But then our microbe isn't shit scared of dying," he added.

Meanwhile, Dr. Craig Venter who led the experiment has expressed his annoyance at how ungrateful humanity is: "I take the first step towards a brighter future for mankind - the end to AIDS, a cure for cancer and the mass production of vital medicine that could be delivered to the third world cheaply - and all people can say to me is that 'I'm playing God'!

"Well thanks a fucking bunch! I won't bother next time!"

"The clincher was when we created a second microbe next to the first," said Jackson, "and it did not start shouting at us that we were playing God or suggest that I Am Legend was about to become true.

"It obviously realised the irony in saying such a thing because this experiment is just another in a series that helps to prove that there was never a God that did create life, that life is merely the assembly of certain chemicals which was easily capable by nature and that the idea of a soul and an afterlife is completely fallacious.

"And that is what convinced us that what we had created was considerably smarter than Ben Stein, Ted Haggard and Bill O'Reilly combined."