After "careful review" from the England management, the 700 lbs beast whose favourite food is his own faeces will play on Wednesday night against Slovenia instead of the Manchester United striker.
"I'm England 'til I die!!"
A spokesman for the England team said in a press statement last night: "We have studied Wayne Rooney's performance so far in the World Cup and we feel that a vital element to England's chances of qualifying to round two is for us to have a player up front who doesn't have a first touch that is closely associated with Peter Sutcliffe or Jack the Ripper."So we've drafted in Bongo who has already begun training."
Bongo is said to be bonding well with his new team mates and has developed an especially close relationship with defender John Terry. Joe Cole commented: "He's getting along with the lads, although we do have to keep reminding him of the rules. 99% of the time he's fine but on a couple of occasions in training we've passed him the ball to him and he's just stopped dead and started ripping it to shreds before lobbing his cack at Steven Gerrard and climbing Peter Crouch.
"I think he thinks Peter's a tree," he added.
"He gets angry like that," said a near by Frank Lampard, "but once he releases his sexual frustration he's fine so we just send him out with John for a night and the next day he's magic."
Much speculation has arisen as to what Rooney's removal from the team will do to both team and spectator morale. However, the team insist that the move is the correct one - "There's a lot of bonuses of having a gorilla as a centre-forward," said Lampard, "most notably, with the aid of an opposable digit Bongo can grab the ball with his feet and literally fuzz it into the net.
"And if that don't work he just goes over and rips the keeper's arms and face off."
"To be honest," said a FIFA official, "I don't think many will even notice that Capello's made the swap."
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