4M Die a Little Inside Watching David Cameron

The four million viewers who tuned into the live party leaders' debate on Thursday night all died a little inside as David Cameron turned to the camera and spoke to them directly.

Viewer discretion advised.

The tactic, which was only utilised by Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg in the previous debate on Channel 4, was stolen by Tory party leader David Cameron in a pitiful attempt to receive the same kind of poll boostings. Unfortunately for Cameron the move only made him seem more greasy than he already was, which before now was deemed by experts to be impossible.

Jake Lyndhall watched the debate from his home in south Lincolnshire, he told PressPoke: "I tuned in to Sky News to watch three grown men argue whilst saying quite similar things just like I had seen the previous week. Now, I'd heard all this commotion in the papers about how Clegg had 'spoke to the nation' and how it helped him a lot, but never was I prepared for Cameron's response to the opening question!

"He did his usually smarmy routine of pretending to be the questioner's best fucking mate. Y'know the drill; 'Hi Tom, by the way, I'd like to say that as one of our builders, you are doing a fantastic fucking job mixing cement and helping to literally build a bigger, better Britain', that usual horse shit. But he only did this for the first sentence this time.

"Then I saw it! I saw him turning, and I thought 'Oh please! God, no! He's copying Clegg! Don't! Please!' but he continued to turn. He looked directly into the camera and continued his argument...to me! Me!!

"Well it was at that point that I did actually feel a little part of my soul exhumed through my eye sockets."

Another viewer, Tracey Sulemberg said, "It was like starring into the the eyes of Medusa. Except instead of turning you to stone he just made you want to vomit on the spot and claw your eyeballs out of your head.

"For once Gordon Brown actually came across rather well because he was the only one not looking at me like some bloody deranged pervert!" she added.

Why Clegg seems to be able to pull of this 'direct speech' routine whilst Cameron cannot remains to be fully explained. However Professor Paul Jackson, head of politics at the University of Stratton has one theory: "This difference is simply down to the fact that Clegg does not resemble a slimy used condom that someone's drawn a face onto.

"If you want to convince four million people that you are going to create a 'fairer Britain' when one of your policies is introducing tax breaks for the extremely rich, then it doesn't matter if you are talking to them, the floor or their fucking ball sacks - they ain't gonna buy it!"