Conservatives are Cancerous, say Experts

The Labour party has funded a study which has discovered that Conservatives are actually cancerous.

The Thames in two years time.

The study, which was conducted across fifty cities in the UK, provided evidence that contracting a form of cancer is five times more likely if you are a Tory. Furthermore, a person is three times more likely to get cancer from socialising with Conservatives, nine times as likely for using the words 'vote', 'for' or 'change' and if you vote blue in the upcoming election you are almost certainly going to die within the next four years.

The results have been published alongside a Labour election pamphlet which is entitled "Vote or Die, Bitch: A Blackmail Slip for all Breast Cancer Sufferers".

Professor Paul Jackson, lead researcher behind the study said, "We ran tests on numerous different Conservatives including David Cameron and George Osborne. The results show that all of them are more cancerous than any of the nine million foodstuffs the Daily Mail has attributed cancer to before.

"Moreover, William Hague is obviously on rigorous chemotherapy and simply with a Geiger counter we discovered that their seats in the House of Commons are highly radioactive.

"In fact, we believe that Margaret Thatcher has a bloodstream consisting of 68% depleted uranium and that she is actually dead.

"Which actually isn't that much of a revelation," he added.

Gordon Brown issued the statement earlier this morning, "We are not desperate for votes, so I am not forcing or frightening anyone to vote for Labour in a highly morally repugnant manner. All I am saying is, if you like living and chemo isn't your thing, you better vote for me...I mean us!"