Danny Dyer to be PM's Advisor

Film "actor" Danny Dyer is to become the Prime Minister's personal advisor, it was revealed late last night.

The "actor" who has recently been out of a job was hired yesterday by David Cameron in order to give him personal advice on "matters both political and personal".

"Already he has been a fantastic aid," said Cameron, "he understands the way a Tory government works, our system of responsibility and standing up for oneself. He has had a key influence on decisions I have already made and ones I will make in the future."

Questions the PM has asked Dyer:

Q: The next election is scheduled for 2015 and after five years people may realise what a hash of things we've made and want Harriet Harman in by voting Labour, what should I do to prevent this?
A: 'Arriet may not always be the leada of the opposishon, but if she is, you could always try and beat 'er on a matter of policy and win over the people that way, showin' them that you are the best. Or...you could cut her face and no one would want her then.

Q: I have invited Nick Clegg into government because enough people saw through my guise of 'helping the people', if he turns on me and causes problems what should I do?
A: Take Clegg aside and talk to him in a cool and polite manna about your difference of opinion, and why you 'old that difference of opinion. Or simply cut his face and no fucka will listen to 'im then.

Q: If Sam's baby turns out not to be mine, what should I do?
A: Find some ova slapper and knock 'er up da duff to piss the bitch off. Or...cut her tits off and da baby won't want any milk then.

Q: How should I go about tackling football hooliganism after fourteen of the sixteen productions you've ever made have glamorised it so irresponsibly?
A: Go to the next West Ham, Millwall game in a big fuck off 'elicopter and shout fru a megaphone, "Oi, you cunts! Calm the fuck down or I'll cut all ya faces!" If that don't work cut their 'ands off and they won't be able to punch any fucker.

Q: How should I deal with misogynistic articles written in mainstream media whose target audience is young, impressionable teenage boys?
A: Tell the fuckin' editor it was 'is fault for allowing the article to go fru and get published. If he says it was whoever wrote it, and that they are a jumped up little shit who lives off a pathetic hard man persona and will go to extreme lengths just to make those young impressionable boys as well as complete twats, laugh and think he's cool...tell 'im to shut the fuck up and then cut his face.

"He is the ideal man for the job," said Cameron, "and I am very happy with his advice and progress. When we said you were 'Voting for Change' I bet you didn't think we meant permanently to your face!"

In other news, Robert Mugabe has expressed his delight at the British electoral system stating "I love it how you have members of a party in government who only got voted into 9% of the seats.

"You carry on like this and I might start letting you guys into the country again," he added clapping. Mr. Dyer insisted that if he didn't "he'd cut 'is fuckin' face."