British Yauchtsman found to be Middle-Class

In a shock development today British sailors, that had been arrested in Iran after sailing out of international waters, were found to be middle-class.

On discovery of this news the BBC and other news agencies immediately dispatched dozens of reporters to the leafier parts of the country to interview the yachtsmen’s parents outside their large, but not vulgar, detached, suburban homes. Others were interviewed outside Marks and Spencers, Waitrose and one just as they were getting out of their Volvo, clutching a copy of The Daily Telegraph, and The Mail for his “good lady wife”.

"We'll get a royal welcome in Gavbandi!"

As one father said, “He’s just an ordinary boy, I had no idea he was middle-class. Elizabeth and I were in the Volvo listening to Radio 2, on our way to a garden centre when it came on the news.” He added, “We’re all much happier now that we know he’s middle class, as the Foreign Office, the right wing press and the BBC will kick up much more of a fuss now if he’s killed, or if the picture of him in the paper doesn’t show his floppy blond hair”.

Professor Jeremy Williams, a lecturer of media and communications, says that being middle class in a situation of politically motivated arrest or kidnapping, can be a real boon to those in such situations, “Nobody in Guildford or Epsom wants to read about someone called William, Oliver or Jeremy being killed in some far off country, they’d much rather it was someone called Wayne, Kyle or Liam”. Indeed according to Professor Williams, being middle class is only one way of getting the quality media’s attention, “if you’re an attractive private schoolgirl, the Telegraph will naturally show an interest as many Telegraph readers like to spend several hours studying photographs of such young women…erm, to see how they can help”.

Some readers of the traditional “quality” press have asked why there was so much coverage of these young men, but not as much coverage for two young British women who faced the death penalty for smuggling drugs into Liberia. As one Daily Mail journalist commented, “Who? When did this happen? Drugs you say? Sounds like it was poor people, in which case we’re not interested,”

“Unless they happen to be killing rich people, in which case we most certainly are”.