American Psychological Invasion Exposed

MI5 has discovered plans drafted by the United States government to invade Great Britain through subtle, psychological food-based warfare, it was revealed last night.

The American plans, dubbed "Operation Ronald", was to invade Britain with brainwashing tactics. This largely involved buying out large food distributors and feeding the British population American "food" until they are all so lazy, fat and republican that they think the best thing for the country is American leadership.

A military spokesman said, "We had wind of these plans for a while because we got this autistic kid to hack into their computers - actually, wonder what he's doing now. Anyway! Yeah, so we knew about it but we were waiting to see if it materialised. Well as you know, last night the American company Kraft, which is as much a sewerage facility as it is a food distributor, just bought out our national treasure Cadbury. The evidence is clear."

10 Downing Street offered the advice of "not buying Cadbury's chocolate from now on and certainly not eating it. We must hold strong against the Americans who have betrayed our trust, do not let them now betray your taste."

Meanwhile, Kraft have offered a statement insisting that they are not part of Operation Ronald: "We simply have an interest in bringing our wonderful chocolate blend to the mouths of Britain. Yes, admittedly there will be recipe changes, for example Cadbury's 1-part cocoa beans, 2-part sugar, 2-part milk will be replaced by our divine 1-part fabric conditioner, 2-part sawdust, 3-part potassium nitrate blend.

"This creates the delightful aroma of an operating ward whilst providing the top class texture and taste of a white, sun baked dog turd that small children use as chalk in the summer."

There are also plans to reform Cadbury's famous logo with two industrial sized vats of lard, stamped with the American flag, pouring their hideous contents into a cesspool.

"Just eat it," said the Kraft spokeman, "and you'll see what is affecting 93% of Americans' brains to make them think Mumbai is a type of cat food."