4M Die a Little Inside Watching David Cameron

The four million viewers who tuned into the live party leaders' debate on Thursday night all died a little inside as David Cameron turned to the camera and spoke to them directly.

Viewer discretion advised.

The tactic, which was only utilised by Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg in the previous debate on Channel 4, was stolen by Tory party leader David Cameron in a pitiful attempt to receive the same kind of poll boostings. Unfortunately for Cameron the move only made him seem more greasy than he already was, which before now was deemed by experts to be impossible.

Jake Lyndhall watched the debate from his home in south Lincolnshire, he told PressPoke: "I tuned in to Sky News to watch three grown men argue whilst saying quite similar things just like I had seen the previous week. Now, I'd heard all this commotion in the papers about how Clegg had 'spoke to the nation' and how it helped him a lot, but never was I prepared for Cameron's response to the opening question!

"He did his usually smarmy routine of pretending to be the questioner's best fucking mate. Y'know the drill; 'Hi Tom, by the way, I'd like to say that as one of our builders, you are doing a fantastic fucking job mixing cement and helping to literally build a bigger, better Britain', that usual horse shit. But he only did this for the first sentence this time.

"Then I saw it! I saw him turning, and I thought 'Oh please! God, no! He's copying Clegg! Don't! Please!' but he continued to turn. He looked directly into the camera and continued his argument...to me! Me!!

"Well it was at that point that I did actually feel a little part of my soul exhumed through my eye sockets."

Another viewer, Tracey Sulemberg said, "It was like starring into the the eyes of Medusa. Except instead of turning you to stone he just made you want to vomit on the spot and claw your eyeballs out of your head.

"For once Gordon Brown actually came across rather well because he was the only one not looking at me like some bloody deranged pervert!" she added.

Why Clegg seems to be able to pull of this 'direct speech' routine whilst Cameron cannot remains to be fully explained. However Professor Paul Jackson, head of politics at the University of Stratton has one theory: "This difference is simply down to the fact that Clegg does not resemble a slimy used condom that someone's drawn a face onto.

"If you want to convince four million people that you are going to create a 'fairer Britain' when one of your policies is introducing tax breaks for the extremely rich, then it doesn't matter if you are talking to them, the floor or their fucking ball sacks - they ain't gonna buy it!"

Carol Ann Duffy Writes More Shit

The Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy, has contributed to the efforts to help those stranded abroad by writing a lot of pointless shit.

Witness the genius.

The female poet said that she decided to write a poem about the volcano ash to give hope to those who are currently unable to get home.

We asked those stuck in various places all over Europe what they thought of Duffy's words. "If by 'helping us'", said Jake Lyndhall currently in Sunny Beach, Bulgaria, "she means making us more bored and depressed than we already were, then yeah, I suppose she has helped us.

"Other than that she's basically described something rather simplistic in a needlessly complicated manner."

Rachel Wiseman from Leeds, now in Athens said, "If any other person wrote a poem about a fucking ash cloud someone would tell them to go and get a CAT scan at their local hospital. But no, because it's Carol Ann-Up-Her-Own-Duffy then everyone thinks it's a sodding masterpiece and gives it repeat airtime on Radio 5."

Professor Paul Jackson from Stratton University has analysed the poem extensively since its release and commented, "This country is famous for its tradition and history of great literature. I read Silver Lining by Carol Ann Duffy and immediately heard the distant rumbling of Shakespeare, Milton and Orwell all doing fifteen thousand RPM in the respective graves.

"In a hundred years time Literature students worldwide will look at our the works across time and see the Renaissance had Hamlet and Paradise Lost, the Enlightenment had Frankenstein and Dracula and the 21st century had...a poem about people stuck in Zante.

"Thank you Carol Ann shitting Duffy!"

Meanwhile, millions of Britons are having a bloody great time legitimately sciving off work and sunning themselves by a pool for free.

Conservatives are Cancerous, say Experts

The Labour party has funded a study which has discovered that Conservatives are actually cancerous.

The Thames in two years time.

The study, which was conducted across fifty cities in the UK, provided evidence that contracting a form of cancer is five times more likely if you are a Tory. Furthermore, a person is three times more likely to get cancer from socialising with Conservatives, nine times as likely for using the words 'vote', 'for' or 'change' and if you vote blue in the upcoming election you are almost certainly going to die within the next four years.

The results have been published alongside a Labour election pamphlet which is entitled "Vote or Die, Bitch: A Blackmail Slip for all Breast Cancer Sufferers".

Professor Paul Jackson, lead researcher behind the study said, "We ran tests on numerous different Conservatives including David Cameron and George Osborne. The results show that all of them are more cancerous than any of the nine million foodstuffs the Daily Mail has attributed cancer to before.

"Moreover, William Hague is obviously on rigorous chemotherapy and simply with a Geiger counter we discovered that their seats in the House of Commons are highly radioactive.

"In fact, we believe that Margaret Thatcher has a bloodstream consisting of 68% depleted uranium and that she is actually dead.

"Which actually isn't that much of a revelation," he added.

Gordon Brown issued the statement earlier this morning, "We are not desperate for votes, so I am not forcing or frightening anyone to vote for Labour in a highly morally repugnant manner. All I am saying is, if you like living and chemo isn't your thing, you better vote for me...I mean us!"

Daily Mail Readers Go Mental due to Kick-Ass

Thousands of Daily Mail readers across the country have gone absolutely bat-shit insane because a good movie was a lot of fun.

Paedo inducing, apparently.

The movie, Kick-Ass, has been applauded by critics and people with a sense of humour, all around the world. However, the Daily Mail continues to spout its self-righteous, censorship admiring, big brother donkey shite by trashing Matthew Vaughn's new action comedy.

Daily Mail subscriber Barry Strongbeard said, "This movie is absolutely disgusting! It has a little girl in it who swears and kills people. Children will see that and their fragile little minds will be completely affected.

"You see, what you have to understand is that children and young teenagers are stupid, they think fictitious movies are real. They actually think it is happening! They will think Kick-Ass is what they should be like and it will turn them all into little Jon Venables.

"Jon! Venables! Can you imagine every child being like him?! We'd have to execute an entire generation!"

Another reader of the tabloid paper Mary Moanypants commented, "I haven't seen the movie but I just know that it should be banned. I know what is best for other people and that is for them not to see such a horrifically violent movie that claims to be 'a comedy'. Violence is never fun!

"Unless it's inflicted upon Jon Venables," she added.

"Also, she used the word 'cunt' in the movie. The word cunt should be banned as well because cunt is an utterly vulgar word, no one should ever use the word cunt...unless it's to Jon Venables. The cunt!"

The younger demographic are not the only ones infuriated either. Victor Granger, aged 78 from Grimsby said, "Well Daily Mail critic Christopher Tookey, said about the little girl in the motion picture, he said that, 'paedophiles are going to adore her'.

"He said that the film is 'exploitative' towards young women because the little girl is dressed in a school uniform at one point. I said to myself, 'I agree, that's disgusting,' and then turned to page three and got some wrist action in."

Meanwhile, Dave Warrington from Somerset has set up the protest group SOS (Save Our Sexuality). He feels strongly that Kick-Ass should be banned "because I have a superhero fetish and think it is absolutely repulsive that I might find myself attracted to a 14 year old girl."

Professor Paul Jackson, head of media studies at the University of Stratton had this to say: "The people who read the Mail think that when they step outside their front door there is a 94% chance that they'll get stabbed, raped, or turned into a paedophile.

"So when someone makes a film that is violent and funny it satirises their deepest fears and they...well they get very, very angry and upset.

"Plus, they are also just fucking stupid," he added.

Catholic Church Admits to Liking Justin Bieber

In a shock revelation, the Catholic church has admitted to enjoying the music of young pop starlet Justin Bieber.

Suspicions that the church had indulged in such contentious actions have been rife for some time. However, further controversy has now arisen due to the Vatican's previous attempts to cover up its fondness of Bieber's music.

The Justin Bieber Fan Club.

Since the announcement, experts have been investigating possible reasons as to why the young Canadian has been so popular within the Catholic church. Paul Jackson, professor of Dirty Perversion Studies at Stratton University, had this to say: "After hours of strenuous research we believe that the reason so many priests enjoy Bieber's work is because of the profuse sexual undertones in his music videos.

"Anything that is aimed at young, impressionable fourteen year old girls by filthy, immoral record labels is likely going to be of great interest to Catholic priests."

Earlier this week, Pope Benedict XVI himself announced that he regularly holds dance sessions with other Vatican priests to Bieber's hit single Baby, in his spare time. Although he admits that they rarely complete the dance routine because oddly "everyone starts watching the television fervently when Ludacris has the child in a headlock from behind."

Jackson and his team conducted an interview of over five hundred priests who all have Justin Bieber on their iPods. He found that 36% voted their favourite song as Baby because of the lyrics 'I'm going down, down, down, down.' But only 2% acknowledged this as a reference to damnation in hell.

64% prefer One Time because of the video. Father Belvichi said, "I particularly like the part where there is a house party full of under age children and Justin and his friends start spraying streams of white liquid over each other from cans at crotch height.

"Mmm...very good!" he added.

Polemicist and anti-theist Christopher Hitchens has already published an article slating that Catholic church for its admiration of Bieber's music. He writes, "As I said in my book God is Not Great, religion poisons everything. And now the music industry is another thing to add to the list.

"The Vatican supported the Nazis' exile after the Second World War, a group who had a shockingly poor regard for equality and human rights. Now, they are supporting Justin Bieber, a gentleman who has a shockingly poor regard for age boundaries and human eardrums.

"However, funding an affluent record label is the first time the Vatican has supported Jews, so I suppose that's a start," he added.

Healthcare Bill Pass Annoys Rich Americans

Thousands of key fat cats in the American pharmaceutical and insurance businesses, today expressed their annoyance with the passing of the healthcare reform bill, because now they won't be able to exploit so many dying people.

"Great news, Obama says you can live!"

The landmark healthcare reform bill was passed yesterday with absolutely no Republican backing. Various rich, heartless CEOs have already started picketing outside the White House and more are expected to join by the end of week.

We spoke to one of the protesters, George Gimbleby, head of Pay Up or Die, Ltd. "It is an absolute disgrace," he said, "that President Obama thinks he can take hold of this country and start making poor people happier and everyone more equal! What the hell does he think he's playing at?

"I will not see this country, the country I love, become a socialist state like Russia...or one of those other ones. This is America, and in America you pay for your privilege to live, otherwise we tell you to fuck off and find a damp corner to die in."

Another protester, David Dapleby, co-owner of GimmeMoney insurance also expressed his disdain at the bill's passing: "This is ridiculous! Do you think life should be for free? No, you should pay me vast sums of money for it! What do you think this is? A civilised country? Well, I will not see Mr. Obama turn it into one.

"I don't care if it's proven that nationalised health services are more efficient! In a country of God we should do what Jesus would do. Do you think he healed the sick for free? No, of course he didn't! He asked to see their insurance documents or a valid credit card first!"

Meanwhile, millions of Republicans across America are also protesting against the newly passed bill because John Boehner told them it was "communism". He elaborated: "You see, the great thing about Republicans is that 98% of them don't think for themselves. You simply mention that magic word 'communism' in relation to anything - and I mean anything - and they will start yelling like the hounds of hell about it.

"It's like poking a rabid pit bull in the balls, it's great!" he added.

Bill Wickman, a registered Republican from Maryland said, "Kill the Bill! Kill it! I don't care if it's passed, just end it! It is communist! And even though there are many wonderful services in our country which are equally as 'communist' such as the police force, the fire department, and road maintenance, this is different...somehow...Bill O'Reilly said so!"

"It is a sad, sad day for America," said Gimbleby, "the day when a person with cancer or a potentially fatal injury can receive treatment and not have the additional stress of wondering how he's going to pay for it.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed wiping his tears away with $100 bills, "if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go home, cry and comfort eat organ doners' hearts. My son will only be a multi-millionaire and not a multi-billionaire!"

David Starkey's New Britain gets Green Light

In a new television series the presenter and historian David Starkey, is turning his attention to how he would like to see Britain run - with whips, torture facilities and "prole curfews".

The 65 year old Cambridge graduate has decided to focus upon the future instead of the past in his new series "because people need to wake up," he said.

Remember kids, "Arbeit Macht Frei!"

"It has been an age since this country, what was the greatest empire in the world, has been managed properly," he ranted. "Can no one see the utter chaos that has ensued since unionisation, benefit allowances and converting the Tower of London into a tourist attraction?"

The new series, which will be aired on Channel 4, will last for six shows, each concentrating on a different sect of society with a lower financial income than Starkey's. He admits that the episodes are quite formulaic; they will all open with a description of the "putrid people in question", then explain how they uniquely "make this country scummy" and finally describe the measures that would be taken in Starkey's Britain "to remove them from the face of God's good, green country."

Due to the success of Starkey's previous television series on the Tudor period, a larger budget has been at his disposal this time around, which he has spent on dramatic envisions of his future. Producer Paul Jackson said, "Most of the things he's asked for such as armoured police outfits, black and Asian people, and tear gas is readily available. So he's pretty easy to work with and gets on well with the guys in charge of props.

"Although, he did ask for a fully sized, functioning guillotine, which caused some problems at first. We asked him where in the script there is a flashback to Tudor Britain and he just looked at us blankly and said, 'There isn't.'"

Starkey has also suggested that the DVD of the series will contain a bonus episode which takes a closer look at "feral children". "It's a bit of a venture for me," he said, "into more David Attenborough territory.

"But it is still fresh. Attenborough doesn't yell derogatory, snobberies at the animals in Life, does he?"

The DVD will be released on 20th April by Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei Media, Ltd.