Healthcare Bill Pass Annoys Rich Americans

Thousands of key fat cats in the American pharmaceutical and insurance businesses, today expressed their annoyance with the passing of the healthcare reform bill, because now they won't be able to exploit so many dying people.

"Great news, Obama says you can live!"

The landmark healthcare reform bill was passed yesterday with absolutely no Republican backing. Various rich, heartless CEOs have already started picketing outside the White House and more are expected to join by the end of week.

We spoke to one of the protesters, George Gimbleby, head of Pay Up or Die, Ltd. "It is an absolute disgrace," he said, "that President Obama thinks he can take hold of this country and start making poor people happier and everyone more equal! What the hell does he think he's playing at?

"I will not see this country, the country I love, become a socialist state like Russia...or one of those other ones. This is America, and in America you pay for your privilege to live, otherwise we tell you to fuck off and find a damp corner to die in."

Another protester, David Dapleby, co-owner of GimmeMoney insurance also expressed his disdain at the bill's passing: "This is ridiculous! Do you think life should be for free? No, you should pay me vast sums of money for it! What do you think this is? A civilised country? Well, I will not see Mr. Obama turn it into one.

"I don't care if it's proven that nationalised health services are more efficient! In a country of God we should do what Jesus would do. Do you think he healed the sick for free? No, of course he didn't! He asked to see their insurance documents or a valid credit card first!"

Meanwhile, millions of Republicans across America are also protesting against the newly passed bill because John Boehner told them it was "communism". He elaborated: "You see, the great thing about Republicans is that 98% of them don't think for themselves. You simply mention that magic word 'communism' in relation to anything - and I mean anything - and they will start yelling like the hounds of hell about it.

"It's like poking a rabid pit bull in the balls, it's great!" he added.

Bill Wickman, a registered Republican from Maryland said, "Kill the Bill! Kill it! I don't care if it's passed, just end it! It is communist! And even though there are many wonderful services in our country which are equally as 'communist' such as the police force, the fire department, and road maintenance, this is different...somehow...Bill O'Reilly said so!"

"It is a sad, sad day for America," said Gimbleby, "the day when a person with cancer or a potentially fatal injury can receive treatment and not have the additional stress of wondering how he's going to pay for it.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed wiping his tears away with $100 bills, "if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go home, cry and comfort eat organ doners' hearts. My son will only be a multi-millionaire and not a multi-billionaire!"