Cheryl Cole "Too Hot for Consumption", say Health Ministers

Health Ministers have issued a public warning against the consumption of pop star and X-factor judge, Cheryl Cole, it was revealed today.

Amongst the reasons given for this action were that Cole is "too spicy", "saliva inducing to the point of osmotic shock" and as Health Minister Phil Hope put it, "just too bloody saucy!"

"This much

Cole may come with a package warning.

spiciness consumed at once," another Minister said, "is causing more public harm than good. Apart from leading to serious heartburn and very bad sore throats she has had a drastic negative impact on the economic infrastructure of Britain because half the nation are male and are jerking the sausage wrapping like chimps twenty-three hours a day - no work is getting done!"

One man, Jake Lyndhall from Essex said, "I used to be the CEO of a major limited company, until one day I walked into HMV and saw the new Girls Aloud album cover. I've spent so much time masturbating over that and Cheryl Cole's unofficial calender that I've lost my job and family. The kids don't even call me dad any more, they ask mummy when they 'will see the goo goo man again.'"

The board of Health commented: "The only thing we can hope for is that people are put off of her because her music is so bad. We have begun tests where we play five Cole-infatuates her new single over and over at one hundred and five decibels. Fortunately, just like at Wako, it seems to be working!"

Cheryl Cole herself said, "Well, I just see me glorious beauty as a side project to me music - which I write completely on me own y'understand!

"Apart from me amazing collaborations. Speaking of which, I was thinking of teaming up with Chris Brown for a record but then all that stuff happened with Rihanna. I'm too scared now. Aye! Ye'll transform us! Into a bloody mess on the kitchen floor, man!"

She added: "Plus he's black and ye know how well I get on with them'uns!"