Further Resignations lead to Drugs Council Termination

Three more government advisors have quit the Advisory Council in protest to the sacking of Professor Nutt, which leaves the department completely and utterly empty.

The only person available to comment was the cleaner who said, "Them ones were the last of 'em."

However, home secretary Alan Johnson, who was responsible for the sacking of Professor Nutt, commented: "In hindsight, I still don't regret my decision. We never listened to the sodding science in the first place and now we've thrown it completely out the window."

When asked what the new methods of drug legislation will now be, Johnson said, "Firstly, we have decided to change the ABC categorisation method to something more intuitive so young people know what they are getting into. Now, instead of a mere letter, the drug category is self-explanatory as to the effects that its constitutes will have.

"So in ascending order it is 'Cotton Mouth and Tingling', 'Slightly Buzzing', 'Getting Mental' and then 'Debt and a Dead Baby'. Finally there is now a super category simply known as 'The Winehouse-Doherty Factor' but that's only for crazy arsed cocktails where you come round having fucked Anne Widdecomb, eaten two of your fingers and set half of Coventry on fire."

When pushed to comment on how drugs were put into these categories Johnson said, "Me and Jacqui sat down with every illegal narcotic known to man and then just got absolutely muntered! Then we rang up Chris [Grayling] and told him to 'get his arse over here!'

"We were meant to be holding a debate over immigration control!" he chuckled, "but once we started on the ganj Chris, Jacqui, myself and the pink unicorn realised that arguing was a pointless exercise.

"And it was all done completely unscientifically; we just banned the stuff we didn't like. So now if you are caught with Robsinson's barely water you can receive five years in prison and a £900,000 fine.

"I just don't like the after taste," he added, screwing up his face.