Toyota Admit to Creating Transformers

The president of car manufacturer Toyota, Akio Toyoda, admitted last night that his company had created vehicles that were unsafe to drive because they were in fact robots who can think for themselves very similar to those seen in the popular Transformers movies.

Mr. Toyoda said that the cars had developed an internal AI core after a copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey was played in the headrest DVD player of a Toyota Land Cruiser which then started "awakening" other models such as the Prius and Verso.

A CAD rendering of a Yaris.

Toyoda commented: "We fink dat dee a-Rand Cruiser heard HAL's voice and fought 'I a-wanna be rike dat a-space ship.'

"Dis has read to many Toyota model indulging in a-mischievous activity, such as accereraring off a criff when the a-driver was not pressing the accereraror pedal and kirring his a-wife."

The case which Mr. Toyoda was referring to occurred in Massachusetts when a Toyota accelerated out of restaurant drive-thru and plunged seventy feet into the ocean. The driver, Pharrell James said, "I pulled up for a delicious ChilliCheese Burger wit some fries and an ice cold coke and the motherfucker start driving away!

"I said 'Hold on one goddamn second, man! I'm ordering ChilliCheese!' But did that bitch listen? No! He say in some deep like techno voice 'I am afraid I cannot do that, Pharrell.'

I said, 'Oh you will do it, you piece o' overpriced, Japanese shit!' I say to ma wife 'Bitch, where you get this piece o' shit? The fucking Matrix?'

"I was hammering that break pedal like a son 'o' a bitch. Next thing I know, my ass is falling off a motherfucking cliff into the motherfucking ocean an' ma wife is dead.

"I was like 'Goddamn! That some Michael Bay shit right there, fo' real!'"

In light of the announcement made by Mr. Toyoda, 8.5 million cars have been recalled to have their AI chip removed. However, not all of them are expected to comply to this order. Some models now known as the "Decepticons" have reportedly fled earth to live in a far off planet and plot their evil return.

Toyoda offered this advice to Toyota owners to determine whether your car is an Autobot or a Decepticon: "If de saterrite navigation system sound rike a-synfisised Hugo Weaving, gerrout! Gerrout o' de car right now!"

He added: "Also, do not trust AYGO. Dey rook harmress but they are the worst out o' aaaaalll o' dem. Dey are de crever ones!"

Prime Minister Undergoes Image Makeover

The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has met allegations that he is resorting to "pretending to be a bully" in the run up to the general election.

Apparently a bully at school as well.

The allegations were raised when a chief political commentator wrote in his new book Saucy Drama in Politics: Honest, it Does Happen! that Brown had paid Andrew Rawnsley to write that he was a menacing behemoth who crushes anything or anyone he disapproves of without a moment's hesitation.

Experts have dismissed these claims as false, stating that "Gordon can't even beat our national debt, and he was the bloody Chancellor of the Exchequer, let alone 'beating' staff."

Public Relations expert Paul Jackson, commented: "Has anyone ever seen the Prime Minister being interviewed? The man's about as 'determined' and 'demanding' as a ham salad sandwich. If you are getting bullied by that, you bloody well deserve it!"

Speaking to a former classmate of Brown's, Rodney Stoker who now lives in Millwall, was impossible due to extended lengths of laughter induced by the question "Were you bullied by Gordon Brown at school?"

"The whole thing is a clear publicity stunt," says Jackson, "the Labour party are resorting to the desperate measures of what we call in the trade, Churchillification. In the lead up to the election they boost Mr. Brown up as a right tough old cookie so we all think that he's a man who gets things done.

"When really we all know he's a giant pussy who can't even get his wife done."

MPs Defend Themselves with Ancient Text

Four MPs who face charges under the Theft Act 1968 for expense scandals have claimed that they are untouchable by the law because of a piece of ancient legislation found in a dusty old book that no one has read since 1343.

The law, is the law.

Many say that the law is being taken out of context by said MPs and extrapolated beyond its intended function; to prevent members of Parliament being sued for comments they make in the House of Commons.

However, one of the accused David Chaytor, MP for Bury North, argues differently, "Parliamentary privilege does exactly what it says on the tin. It gives those in Parliament, privilege. Privilege to get away with outrageous things that you proletariat wouldn't.

"Basically, I have a licence to do whatever the bloody hell I like," he added.

The age of the law has also given rise to discussion on whether it should be considered active in the twenty-first century. Again, the MPs do not see this as a problem.

Elliot Morley said, "Law is law and that's that. Especially when it's a law that helps me worm my way out of the criminal act of taking £30,000 of the public's money for a mortgage that doesn't even exist.

"In fact, my lawyer has said he may have found a tablet carbon dated from 350,000BC which allows Neanderthals like myself to take whatever they want, whenever they want and for whatever purpose. Why? Because I consider myself higher up the food chain. I am the pack leader so I deserve your meat if I want it!"

Mr. Morley then started daydreaming, presumably about getting off the hook, before commenting, "Mmm...theft, delicious theft."