'Deal or No Deal' Set to Undergo Gas Chamber Conversion

Due to popular demand the set of Channel 4's Deal or No Deal is to be turned into a fully functional gas chamber in time for the next series, a spokesman confirmed today.

The conversion has been commissioned and heavily funded by the government after the home office had been put under pressure on the issue of overpopulation in the lead up to the general election. A Labour spokesperson said, "Immigration has been proven to be beneficial to the country and our economy so we really don't want to stop letting people in. However, this would lead to vast overpopulation so we have decided that every day we will execute worthless cretins whose only care in life is money and getting on TV.

"And you get top notch entertainment. It's killing two birds with one stone, except one of them isn't a bird but an estranged spinster from Wolverhampton.

Yeah, you wait 'til the credits roll.

The logistics of the show itself will also undergo a revamp, the most notable being the addition of three new boxes which contain different forms of capital punishment. The show's producer explains: "These new boxes will be green and have a picture relating to their respective penalties. One will be an electric chair, another will be hanged, drawn and quartered, and finally death by stoning.

"But, even if they get the two-fifty thou we're gonna gas the fuckers anyway," he added.

Extra, non-lethal, punishment comes in the form of five million volts which will be passed through the subject's body if they cry, offer soppy advice or make a pathetic attempt at rhyming before the commercial break. This shock will last for exactly one second, however five seconds will be administered if they start laughing manically and breaking down because they think they've got their greasy hands on so much stinking money.

Once again Channel 4 promise than none will get away: "At the end of each show the contestant will get a call from the banker and Noel will pick it up and say, 'He says that you're fucked - and it's non-negotiable.'

"And at the end of the series we'll do Edmonds in as well."

Investigation to Uncover if Taxpayers' Money was Used to Fund Extremists

The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today pledged to launch a “deep and thorough investigation” into claims made by the Conservative leader David Cameron that taxpayers' money had been used to fund extremist groups.

In a statement to the House of Commons during Prime Minister’s questions yesterday Mr Cameron outlined how Government money had been given to political extremist groups around the country. Several hundred members of these groups, known as “The Conservative Party” and “The Labour Party”, had been found to be in receipt of billions of pounds of taxpayer’s money.

It has been reported in intelligence dossiers from police that these groups have one representative in each part of the country, and around them a cell of radical, volunteer activists known as a “constituency party”.

Many have fallen victim to these radical satellite terrorist cells. Reports show that these groups terrorise their local neighbourhoods with petitions to stop bypasses being built, or invitations to coffee mornings and fund raisers.

According to one serving MI5 agent, these groups have infiltrated the very heart of British Government, he said, “they’re everywhere, I’ve even heard that there are members of these “parties” within the House of Commons, and some have suggested they might even be in the House of Lords”.

Intelligence analysts have suggested that other groups may also be in receipt of Government money, such as a Nationalist faction that claims to be in control in Scotland. One other British group is known to exist, calling itself "The Liberal Democrats", although in a statement Scotland Yard said they “could not be sure if it existed” and if it did it was “wholly insignificant”.

Blair Confirmed as "Full of Shit"

The Iraq Inquiry have confirmed that the previous Prime Minister of Great Britain Tony Blair, "is a hypocritical, lying little scum bag who is entirely full of horse shit", it was disclosed today.

It was revealed that Mr. Blair, who had told an entire nation and its allies that there were almost definitely weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, really knew that there was only three armed soldiers, a guard dog named Raheem and an arguably lethal looking tooth pick.

cunt noun
1. Female genitals. (vulgar)
2. This prick right here. (apt)

One member of the board of inquires stated: "He is basically guilty of all the stuff everyone speculated he was in the first place.

"But we bought his crap sandwich, ripped off the overpriced packaging and devoured its gloopy mess like the trusting public we are."

Other demeanour he is guilty of is telling Cherie he was at a meeting when he was actually out on the lash and stating he had "three 5s" in a game of Cheat when he in fact only had two 5s and a King.

Despite being accountable for 4,683 deaths (not including civilian casualties), and googols of war crimes it was admitted "he probably won't get anything in terms of punishment, in fact he'll probably be set up with a cushy job that pays in cash, delivered to his door in three HGVs every Monday morning.

"All he'll have as punishment is his conscience, which I believe is made of pure evil that is dipped in liquid helium and then moulded by the hands of Beelzebub."

"What it would take," said the world expert on utter arseholes, "is for the public to cry for blood. He has a reputation, millions of pounds and a shit ton of lawyers at his defence but if we all kicked and screamed hard enough we could nail this bastard to the Old Bailey.

"But Joe McElderry is still in The X Factor and is performing on Saturday so I doubt that'll happen."

Shock as Helena Bonham Carter to Star in New Tim Burton Film

There were audible gasps at a press conference today as Hollywood director Tim Burton announced that Helena Bonham-Carter will star in his forthcoming film, Alice in Wonderland. The decision, which is perceived by many in the film business to be a risk for Burton, has been met by a mixture of disbelief and shock.

This announcement is to be followed by a series of other surprises which will be

Who'd have guessed it?

announced by Burton in the coming days. There have been suggestions that he may cast Johnny Depp opposite Bonham Carter, although this has been dismissed by Hollywood insiders as “ludicrous”.

Burton is determined to market Alice in Wonderland as a new break for him, away from his usual jolly, light-hearted approach. Those who have seen early shots of the film, have called it “dark” and “disturbing”. Burton himself commented “this is an experiment for me, I want to get away from previous films I’ve been involved in, and make a completely new name for myself. I’m hiring new actors, and there will be a totally different look and feel to this film. I mean the make up department has only ordered two things, blue lipstick and white facepowder. Totally different!”

Industry insiders say that Burton may even be in talks with composer Danny Elfman to supply the music to the latest film. If true this really would transform Burton’s film making into a new genre.

One moviegoer commented, “I’m really excited about this, I mean, wow, who would have thought, Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp in a Tim Burton film, it's insane. I’ve heard Danny Elfman might do the music as well, so it's going to sound precisley like Edward Scissorhands. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

Suggestions that Helena Bonham Carter is sleeping with her new director have been dismissed by her agent. A spokesman said, “They’re married, of course they’re not sleeping together”.

Twilight Sequel funds Vampire World Domination

The latest film in the Twilight saga New Moon, has allowed the World Vampire Federation to amass enough funds to buy out the US and British governments, it was revealed late last night.

In its opening weekend New Moon generated so much money that it has completely resolved economic recessions in twenty-three different countries including the United States, Canada and Britain.

For Christ's sake, don't see Eclipse!

However, the net capital has been accumulated by the World Vampire Federation, the movie's main producer, acting under the pseudonym of Summit Entertainment.

Lord Drekul, the head of the WVF issued this statement: "It has taken us over five thousand years to get to this stage, but thanks to contemptible hormonal females we shall now take our just place as rulers of the world! Prepare for an age of death and darkness!"

When pressed on this issue he added, "Yes, that is right we don't drink the blood of animals like those pussies in the film. We made that bit up. Gaahahahaha!"

Many vampires were involved in making the film including author of the novels Stephenie Meyer and director, Chris Weitz. However, leading actor Robert Pattinson was confirmed as not being one of the undead: "He was the first sacrifice we made once the premier was over," said Drekul, "we plucked out his eyes and then severed his carotid artery and got totally hammered on his type O. It was awesome, I always hated that little cunt!"

Various world authorities now worried that the vampires' shadow of doom will spread have urged pithy little teenage girls to stop going back to the cinema for a second, third or sometimes even seventh viewing. "It doesn't matter how fit, heroic, pathetic or moany that dick head is," said the head of the United Nations, "if you want to be opening presents this Christmas and not your relatives' caskets then you better get your acts together.

"If New Moon continues to generate the revenue it has in its opening weekend then the WVF will be able to buy China. And then we are truly fucked!

"Have you seen Asian vampires?" he added, "They are like the Western ones, but faster and much more sadistic. Two billion of them chomping on your jugular is gonna make Nicole Brown's death look dignified."

However, many of Twilight's demographic will simply not listen. Mary, aged 17 from Kent said, "I don't care how much death and suffering there will be, if they exist I openly invite them to come and feast on my worthless heart which I have dedicated to Edward and Bella's love.

"Take me! Take me guardians of the night to your eternal underworld and I shall forever be a minion of evil!" she added.

Katie Price Officially the "First Cyborg", say Experts

British supermodel Katie Price, also known as Jordan, has been declared the "first cyborg" by the Department of Robotic Object Implementation Division (DROID).

The announcement was made when William Jackson, the head of DROID saw her inhuman ability to grab a starfish out of a pit of wreathing maggots on ITV1's I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!

"We'd always had our

Now compatible with customisable Apps.

suspicions about Ms. Price as a qualified cyborg," said Jackson, "because the definition demands that the entity be half human and half artificial. Well as you know, she has more plastic parts in her than my Smart car so that made her the perfect candidate.

"However, it was the behavioural aspect that needed clarifying and I'm a Celeb on Saturday night provided precisely that clarification."

Assistant Project Manager at DROID Jake Lyndhall, has now trawled through hours and hours of I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! Live. After coming round from the induced coma he had this to say: "In typical cyborg fashion she first of all imitated human behaviour by pretending to cry - but did you see a tear? Did you fuck!

"This façade was made even more obvious when she instantly switched off the waterworks. Even Colin McAllister noticed that and he's a fucking interior designer! Furthermore, he described her as 'Ironman' - coincidence? CO-incidence?! I think not!"

Price was voted by the public to retrieve a plastic starfish with her mouth from the bottom of a pool of viscous liquid, followed by a container filled with maggots. Her unwavering ability to do both has lead to Jackson's confirmation that she is in fact an android "like the ones you see in the movies, except she's useless and looks less natural."

However, other commentators have suggested that Jordan has an affinity for both sticky, white liquids and, from her marriage to Peter Andre small, pathetic, wriggly things in and around her mouth. Consequentially, they believe we should not be so quick to label her as a cyborg.

Carl Peterson from Croydon said, "I must have spent a total of eighteen hours in the past week sitting in front of my telly at 3AM rubbing my todger off to her. Are you trying to tell me that after all that, she's a fucking robot?!"

"Unfortunately for Mr. Peterson, that is in fact true," says Jackson, "her feedback loops told her that she picked up a husband on that show last time and now she has returned in true robotic style to hunt another.

"But the public has gone rogue against her forcing her to lots of nasty, dirty stuff over and over again. I can't think why. She may seem mentally unstable because of this but all she needs is a good old defragmenting."

A film is already in the works with Spielberg directing, called A.U. - Artificial Unintelligence. Megan Fox is set to play the central role and has to undergo seven hours of make up every day to make it look like she's had an industrial sized vat of acid chucked over her face.

'Andrew Marr's Silly Voices' to Get a Second Series

The BBC has given the green light to a second series of Andrew Marr's Silly Voices, a show where the journalist travels around Britain doing ludicrous impressions of twentieth century icons.

The decision has been backed by the huge ratings the first series has achieved, an audience largely compromised by smug Radio4 listeners who take delight in believing themselves to be more intelligent than the rest of the country.

Next series starts with Al Pacino.

BBC producer, Jake Lyndhall said, "Andrew Marr's Silly Voices has quite rightly taken the nation by storm. The formula of doing bad and hugely exaggerated impressions of famous historic people in no particular order is something fresh and innovative. Trust old Marr to think of that, eh?"

One viewer and avid Silly Voices fan had this to say, "I just love it how he is discussing the birth of radio one moment in Essex, then Churchill's refusal to hand Africa to the Nazis the next in Westminster, then the bloke who invented cheese in Leicestershire and then Churchill and the war again in Westminster!

"And all whilst making them sound like the outrageous stereotypes they were! Bloody genius, it is!" he added.

However, Professor William Jackson, the head of history at the University of Stratton feels the show is misleading: "I had a student today come up and ask me why I had never told the class that the invention of the motor car came after World War II.

"How anyone can think that telling us about a supposed orgy at Garsington manor between Bertrand Russell, Lord Asquith and Virginia Woolf is history, I do not know! And just so he can tenuously link it to a section where he does various awful Nottinghamshire accents in an attempt to impersonate DH Lawrence."

"The only thing that gives me comfort is that in a hundred years time there will be some journalist git with huge prosthetic lugs on quoting some banal piece of shit he said whilst sitting round the dinner table."

Yet, James McClayton from Devon says that show is educational, "I've learnt a lot watching Marr's show! I know exactly who shagged who and which figures were the most conceited, mouthy, yet undeniably witty bastards of the twentieth century.

"If that didn't make Britain, I don't know what did!"

JLS Prove Time Travel is Possible, say Scientists

Physicists at numerous Universities and research bodies from around the UK have today announced that boyband JLS are in fact time lords.

The news was revealed after research was conducted upon the members of JLS and found that they are genuinely one hundred per cent 1990s tripe.

Professor William Lyndhall, one of the scientists assigned to the project said, "They have all the qualities of your average Top of the Pops act circa 1996. Dressing completely in a single shade, exposed pectoral muscles, shitty dance moves where the singers swap positions on stage and one gay member that will kill himself in Majorca are all fundamental properties of crap 90s pop acts.

Like Dr. Who, except they suck.

"Furthermore, carbon dating of the singers' clothes has revealed that they are in fact from this time period and so must have used a time machine and travelled to 2009 to expose us to music that makes your genitals turn inside out."

However many Twitter members disagreed with the study's results. Lyndhall's personal twitter received 12,452 angry replies after he linked the results in a tweet; <3jls said "Shut up!!1! JLS are wel sxy adn u r a fking ugli BIAATCH!" and amandasexylilthang said, "OMG!1 yOu SuCk GaY dIcK! wtf! UZA FUCKIN NOBB ROT!!!11!!" whilst toryboy01 commented, "I don't like the idea that my tax money is funding such inutile nonsense." He received a further two thousand insults.

Professor Lyndhall insists that the aggressive comments do not worry him. "It doesn't change the results of the study," he said, "I just tried explaining it to them in simple tweet terms that it's like in the movie Back to the Future when Michael J Fox travels back in time and astounds everyone with Johnny B Goode.

"Except it's coming forward in time and causing everyone over the age of sixteen to jam pencils down their ears with Everybody In Love."

Further investigations are currently taking place to see if its possible to use the time travelling technology to transport Peter Andre to a post-apocalyptic era where giant beetles rule the world and feed on childrens' shoes complimented by greasy, untalented toss pots.

BBC4 to Ban Rational Opinions

The BBC have announced that its Today programme on Radio 4 will accept only views or opinions that make absolutely no logical sense.

Controversy was sparked when certain atheists complained that their views were not being heard on the "Thought for a Day" section the programme. A part traditionally reserved for people of different religious beliefs to air their opinions.

Against criticism and accusations of breaching various broadcasting regulations the BBC have held their ground claiming that the complaints have been sourced from confusion. BBC spokesman Jake Lyndhall said, "I feel the issue is being misconstrued, it is not about atheists specifically but simply that their views make perfect sense. The "Thought for a Day" section of the Today programme is exclusively for people who like to make up anything they want based on absolutely nothing and speak about it as if it is a hard, respectable fact.

"Think of it as a kind of diplomatic whilst extremely patronising peace treaty," he added, "it has saved a lot of lives. In fact, experts agree that if we didn't allow them this fifteen minutes every morning the crusades would still be in full flow."

The BBC has now released new guidelines which are designed to clarify this issue: "Comments which reflect the nature of the universe accurately, contain scientific method or are correct are still not to be broadcast. Whereas those that mention anything ridiculous such as a God's existence, that we will eradicate the Taliban or that Evan Davis is good looking, get their opinion heard.

Furthermore, the names "Descartes", "Leibniz" and "Kant" cannot be mentioned on air for fear of suggesting clear headed thinking to listeners.

"It's a matter of choice," says Lyndhall, "just keep it stupid."

Obama Imprisoned in China

The US President Barack Obama has been imprisoned in China for making antigovernment speeches, it was revealed today.

Barack Obama's tour of east Asia was brought to a abrupt halt when he suggested the radical idea that even Chinese people deserve to say whatever they bloody well please. After his speech he was arrested for treason by two armed policeman and whisked off to the nearest prison where he is sharing a cell with a psychopathic Triad gang member named Yung-Din.

"When are visiting hours?"

In a press statement the Chinese government said that as a strictly authoritarian country this is the usual response for suggesting that they may be - just may be - slightly corrupt and immoral. They also noted that President Obama's comments concerning internet censorship contributed to the reasons for his arrest. A spokesman for the government simply said, "We no need your American boobie!"

President Obama claims that he was not insinuating anything about pornography but believes the Chinese public deserve an internet service that does not merely consist of three pages on Google describing how attractive Hu Jintao is and 1.5 billion World of Warcraft servers.

However, much of the public stand by the government. Song Ying said, "China is the best country in the world! What Mr. Obama does not realise is that our society is based on a reward system like his. For example, I work twenty-two hours a day in an asbestos factory and in return the government allows me to raise a child in a 6x5 foot shack next to a nuclear power station.

"And all that for free!" she added.

Video Game causes Psychopath Epidemic

Millions of teenagers all over the Western world have begun manic killing sprees because they saw it in a video game.

Modern Warfare 2 which was released worldwide yesterday contains a level where the player massacres hundreds of innocent civilians in an airport. On completion, 98.3% of males aged

"Get me my rifle, Ma!"

between eight and nineteen went out and recreated what they saw with their dads' modified air rifle.

Timmy, aged fourteen from Worcester said, "I was getting A's at school, had a paper round and did bell ringing for my local Church. My brother then told me to play this new video game. I have now killed over three hundred men and women, eleven grannies and two babies."

He added: "I think it's because I don't know the difference between real life and computer generated pixels on a TV screen."

An opinion supported by experts - Professor Jackson, head of the Department of Social Studies and Gross Exaggerations from the University of Stratton said, "This was the obvious outcome from producing such a violent video game. It happened in the '80s when PacMan players refused to move anywhere without eating everything and anything in their path. That resulted in the American obesity problems that remains today. Now it's happened again but with much worse consequences."

"That video games influence real life behaviour is simply a hard fact, there's nothing more to it," said Mrs. Craghall, the mother of America's Most Wanted as of this morning. "It's not like books or films or other mediums. No, these kids think these games are actually happening. My son will not go anywhere unless he is constantly holding an M4A1 rifle right in front of his nose.

"He keeps shouting at me to check my corners and lobs a flashbang into the kitchen every morning before sitting down and eating his breakfast," she added.

The home office issued a statement which contained: "Demonising these computer game designers is completely justified. They need to think about the serious consequences their immensely entertaining products will have upon children who would otherwise be perfectly sane, unspoilt and angelic."

Meanwhile in Japan, the most popular video game KuzyaGoGo 5 has caused the whole nation to ride a smiling pig before farting yellow fairy dust and flying to the top of very high skyscrapers to molest a questionable girl in a revealing school uniform.

Further Resignations lead to Drugs Council Termination

Three more government advisors have quit the Advisory Council in protest to the sacking of Professor Nutt, which leaves the department completely and utterly empty.

The only person available to comment was the cleaner who said, "Them ones were the last of 'em."

However, home secretary Alan Johnson, who was responsible for the sacking of Professor Nutt, commented: "In hindsight, I still don't regret my decision. We never listened to the sodding science in the first place and now we've thrown it completely out the window."

When asked what the new methods of drug legislation will now be, Johnson said, "Firstly, we have decided to change the ABC categorisation method to something more intuitive so young people know what they are getting into. Now, instead of a mere letter, the drug category is self-explanatory as to the effects that its constitutes will have.

"So in ascending order it is 'Cotton Mouth and Tingling', 'Slightly Buzzing', 'Getting Mental' and then 'Debt and a Dead Baby'. Finally there is now a super category simply known as 'The Winehouse-Doherty Factor' but that's only for crazy arsed cocktails where you come round having fucked Anne Widdecomb, eaten two of your fingers and set half of Coventry on fire."

When pushed to comment on how drugs were put into these categories Johnson said, "Me and Jacqui sat down with every illegal narcotic known to man and then just got absolutely muntered! Then we rang up Chris [Grayling] and told him to 'get his arse over here!'

"We were meant to be holding a debate over immigration control!" he chuckled, "but once we started on the ganj Chris, Jacqui, myself and the pink unicorn realised that arguing was a pointless exercise.

"And it was all done completely unscientifically; we just banned the stuff we didn't like. So now if you are caught with Robsinson's barely water you can receive five years in prison and a £900,000 fine.

"I just don't like the after taste," he added, screwing up his face.

Lisbon Treaty Void as Brown "Mispells Own Name"

The Lisbon Treaty has been declared null and void after the Prime Minister Gordon Brown failed to spell his own name correctly when signing it.

After months of complex diplomacy, two referenda in Ireland and numerous protests by the Conservative Party, the Lisbon treaty can no longer be implemented after Gordon Brown mistakenly signed the ratification papers “Gawden Broon”, rendering the document worthless.

"I need a new pair."

The shock comes after all Brown’s papers had to be re-evaluated following the revelation that he had mis-spelled a soldier’s name in a letter of condolence. After the incident came to light, all the documents Brown had written since becoming Prime Minister had to be rechecked, leading to the discovery of a vast catalogue of errors.

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling, is believed to be fuming as the £175 billion bank bailout has now emerged only to have cost £1.75 Million. The larger figure was added, due only to Brown’s poor spelling. A treasury source said, “I can’t believe it, everybody just assumed the figure was right, the banks said nothing either, no wonder they’re now giving themselves a bonus!”

Whilst the Tories were initially pleased at the news that the Treaty is now dead, David Cameron faced a new blow, as it emerged Gordon Brown had accidentally won an election two years ago, when he misread a document that he thought quashed speculation that a general election was imminent, when in fact the paper meant an election was held without anyone noticing. The only person to notice the error was the eagle eyed Ed Miliband, who hadn’t realised nobody else had noticed. The single vote led Labour to vistory with a 100% majority, giving Brown another three years in power.

A Downing Street Source said “Gordon is going to carry on as he was, he can’t see why there is a problem. It's not surprising as to be fair, he can’t really see much at all.”

Haye to fight Hercules

New heavyweight champion and rather middle class British boxer David Haye, is set to fight Greek demigod Hercules, it was revealed today.

After beating Russian heavyweight ogre Nikolai Valuev, Haye now wants something bigger, harder and stronger to fight so he sent a request to Hercules who has accepted.

Haye commented: "Valuev was the biggest mortal in the Universe, so now I gotta aim higher. Otherwise I'll never reach that peak I know I am capable of."

When one journalist asked if he was a slightly out of his depth fighting the strongest being in the cosmos Haye replied, "They said that I didn't have the reach for the Russian. They doubted! And I proved 'em wrong! Doubt again! You will see! I'll knock seven shades of ichor out of that Greek freak!"

Hercules'

"Holy shit!"

agent said that he was unavailable for comment as he was "busy slaying a Hydra in the eternal battle between good and evil."

He further stated: "But don't worry. He has booked next Saturday off for the fight, it's on Zeus' rota sheet."

Meanwhile, professors at the University of Stratton have discovered that since Saturday night, Haye is now the biggest ego in Britain, despite "being surprisingly polite and well spoken for a boxer.

"Unless you are in the ring with him," they quickly added, "then his civility dramatically reduces."

Cheryl Cole "Too Hot for Consumption", say Health Ministers

Health Ministers have issued a public warning against the consumption of pop star and X-factor judge, Cheryl Cole, it was revealed today.

Amongst the reasons given for this action were that Cole is "too spicy", "saliva inducing to the point of osmotic shock" and as Health Minister Phil Hope put it, "just too bloody saucy!"

"This much

Cole may come with a package warning.

spiciness consumed at once," another Minister said, "is causing more public harm than good. Apart from leading to serious heartburn and very bad sore throats she has had a drastic negative impact on the economic infrastructure of Britain because half the nation are male and are jerking the sausage wrapping like chimps twenty-three hours a day - no work is getting done!"

One man, Jake Lyndhall from Essex said, "I used to be the CEO of a major limited company, until one day I walked into HMV and saw the new Girls Aloud album cover. I've spent so much time masturbating over that and Cheryl Cole's unofficial calender that I've lost my job and family. The kids don't even call me dad any more, they ask mummy when they 'will see the goo goo man again.'"

The board of Health commented: "The only thing we can hope for is that people are put off of her because her music is so bad. We have begun tests where we play five Cole-infatuates her new single over and over at one hundred and five decibels. Fortunately, just like at Wako, it seems to be working!"

Cheryl Cole herself said, "Well, I just see me glorious beauty as a side project to me music - which I write completely on me own y'understand!

"Apart from me amazing collaborations. Speaking of which, I was thinking of teaming up with Chris Brown for a record but then all that stuff happened with Rihanna. I'm too scared now. Aye! Ye'll transform us! Into a bloody mess on the kitchen floor, man!"

She added: "Plus he's black and ye know how well I get on with them'uns!"

Roland Emmerich to make 'Macbeth'

Visionary filmmaker Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow) has signed up to create a silver screen version of the classic Shakespearean tragedy Macbeth.

Emmerich says that he is looking forward to starting the project after he completes his latest blockbuster 2012, a movie about the Mayan prophecy that soon the shit is really going to hit the fan - something that many film critics predict will happen to a much worse degree on November 13th 2009, the movie's release date. One critic, Jake Lyndall commented, "I obviously haven't seen it yet but I am so confident that it will be the worst piece of faeces this side of the apocalypse that I have bet Larry in the pub fifty quid, my wife, child and half of my right testicle that this will be the case."

Emmerich stated that his vision of Macbeth may be a little different to previous productions: "The plot will obviously remain true to the genius of Shakespeare. However, in previous envisions of the play, Macbeth's world falls apart subjectively, too him alone, on a mental level. I thought we could extrapolate that to a literal sense so the audience witnesses his tragic downfall against a backdrop of earthquakes, tsunamis and basically poorly rendered CGI shit flying about.

"It will be something new," he added, "an area of storytelling I don't think I've ventured into before."

Others are not so happy at the news. Sir Christopher Bland, the head of the Royal Shakespeare Company has already sworn that if the film gets the green light he will strangle Emmerich with the first edition film print of Independence Day, before blowing his brains out whilst everyone involved in the project is forced to watch. Bland commented: "As soon as I heard about it I rang [Emmerich] up to see how he was approaching the film. Three minutes in he told me that King Duncan will be a computer generated alien and before Macbeth kills him he says 'Now let's see how well yo dead green ass can rule Scotland!' I've since been arrested by the CIA because I mentioned thirty-six of the thirty-nine key 'terrorist words' in the following two minutes of the phone conversation."

When questioned, Emmerich assured Shakespeare fans to remain calm because his Macbeth will also be released in 3D, "So everything is just fine."