Apple Unveil Massive iPhone

Steve Jobs unveiled the new release from Apple this week which is an iPhone that you can't carry around with you because it's too bloody big.

Speculation and suspicion has buzzed around the technology sphere for a decade. Finally, the excitement and waiting was quashed by revealing a product that has been around for three years, but bigger.

Either he's shrunk or...

Critics have been divided on Apple's new release. Jake Lyndhall, technology critic for Useless Shit magazine said, "It was unbelievable! Steve Jobs pulled off the black shroud and before you was this amazing minimalistic product with touch screen technology and things called "Apps".

"And it only has one button - one fucking button! - at the bottom which has the single function of taking you back to the menu. The rest you do by - wait for this - touching the bloody screen! This is revolutionary! Never has this been done before!"

Meanwhile critic Paul Jackson said, "This is it? We have waited ten years and Jobs thinks he can just shove a giant flashy phone down our throats? A phone...that's too big to take anywhere and you can only email and bloody tweet from it. Fucking brilliant!

"He would defend, of course, that it can do much more. The "browsing experience" he says, "is divine". Look mate, the only time I ever think of my "browsing experience" as "divine" is when the wife is out and I'm logged into RedTube.com at 3AM in the morning."

Other criticisms have arrived in the form of slating the product as being capable of nothing that a laptop couldn't achieve. An Apple spokesman had this to say, "The Jumbo iPhone may have some similarities to a laptop however we are aiming at a different area of the market. Laptops are for people who wish to get the job done as quickly and efficiently as possible. Our new release is for the same people who want to look like smug twats whilst doing so.

"The smug twat sector of the market is Apple's and we wish to provide our valued twatish customers with the flashy, my-dick-is-bigger-than-yours products that they don't deserve."

UK Public Face Moaning Recession

Experts are worried that as the UK economy officially rises out of the economic recession the country will plummet into a severe moaning decline.

The news came late last night when expert Paul Jackson realised that what had been the main host for

GNP = Gross Nagging Percentage

British moaning for the past two years had now disintegrated: "If this news had come in mid December we could have relied on the snow to tide the moaning over for a a fortnight or so, but now we have nothing!

"I don't know what we will do," he added, "if the market doesn't do another dive, full blown, anarchistic social collapse could be just around the corner!"

Barry Clark, regular drinker at The Sneyd Arms and experienced moaner said, "I opened me newspaper and saw that we had come out of the recession. Well, to be honest I didn't know what to do. That's like a comedian being told that his main anecdote isn't funny any more.

"So I scrambled through the rest of the paper looking for something to moan about to the lads in the pub. But there was nothing, not a sodding thing! The Haiti rescue is over, Murray beat Nadal and Guy Ritchie made a half decent movie that's not glamorising east end gangsters!

"I think I better find me shotgun," he added.

Meanwhile, Mr. Jackson warns people to be ever vigilant: "Go out, buy tinned food, get ready. This is going to be like The Road but with more baby cannibalism.

"Then we'll have something to moan about!"

American Psychological Invasion Exposed

MI5 has discovered plans drafted by the United States government to invade Great Britain through subtle, psychological food-based warfare, it was revealed last night.

The American plans, dubbed "Operation Ronald", was to invade Britain with brainwashing tactics. This largely involved buying out large food distributors and feeding the British population American "food" until they are all so lazy, fat and republican that they think the best thing for the country is American leadership.

A military spokesman said, "We had wind of these plans for a while because we got this autistic kid to hack into their computers - actually, wonder what he's doing now. Anyway! Yeah, so we knew about it but we were waiting to see if it materialised. Well as you know, last night the American company Kraft, which is as much a sewerage facility as it is a food distributor, just bought out our national treasure Cadbury. The evidence is clear."

10 Downing Street offered the advice of "not buying Cadbury's chocolate from now on and certainly not eating it. We must hold strong against the Americans who have betrayed our trust, do not let them now betray your taste."

Meanwhile, Kraft have offered a statement insisting that they are not part of Operation Ronald: "We simply have an interest in bringing our wonderful chocolate blend to the mouths of Britain. Yes, admittedly there will be recipe changes, for example Cadbury's 1-part cocoa beans, 2-part sugar, 2-part milk will be replaced by our divine 1-part fabric conditioner, 2-part sawdust, 3-part potassium nitrate blend.

"This creates the delightful aroma of an operating ward whilst providing the top class texture and taste of a white, sun baked dog turd that small children use as chalk in the summer."

There are also plans to reform Cadbury's famous logo with two industrial sized vats of lard, stamped with the American flag, pouring their hideous contents into a cesspool.

"Just eat it," said the Kraft spokeman, "and you'll see what is affecting 93% of Americans' brains to make them think Mumbai is a type of cat food."

Huge Shock as Man Proclaims "The Simpsons is Shit"

Uproar was caused on Tuesday night when Ken White, a 34 year old from Chester watched eight minutes of The Simpsons on Channel 4, before saying "Wait a second. This is a pile of shit!"

Mr. White's wife who was in the kitchen washing the dishes at the time heard what he said and was so shocked she dropped her best china plates. She immediately rang her closest friends asking them what she should do because her husband had just spoken out against The Simpsons. Within an hour the news had spread as far as Cornwall.

"Donkey Shite" says Jenson.

"I was just scared," she confessed, "I didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether he or even myself would be arrested or merely lynched by the local public."

Fortunately for the Whites the public were understanding after the initial shock, as Peter Jenson from Norwich testifies, "At first I was just astounded and slightly annoyed that someone thought The Simpsons wasn't very good. However, I then watched the rest of the episode he was referring to and realised that he was right. That show is now utter, utter donkey shite. And he had the balls to say it."

Professor Jackson, the head of Media Studies at the University of Stratton said, "The Simposons has had the all too familiar fate of spiralling from something that was extremely good to something that is about as funny as a baby's funeral. However, what is unique is that unlike other shows it has convinced people that it is still brilliant.

"This godlike status it achieved in the '80s and '90s posted it on a plinth so high that to criticise it was near blasphemy. That is why Mr. White's statement caused such a ripple of outrage at first, but actually he may have woken up an entire generation of people."

When questioned why he felt the need to make such comments, Mr. White said that it was not for controversial reasons, "I was just saying what I saw. Everyone else seemed to be charmed by it but I just sat down and realised that nearly all the jokes, especially the ones involving Marge and Lisa were not just unfunny but cringe worthy!

"It was then that I thought 'Why did they get greedy?' and the whole show just reminded me of a big fat tit being milked until it resembled a a punctured scrotum."

"All I can say is that it's a fucking good job Murdoch wasn't around in Shakespeare's day!"

Quality of BBC to Increase Five Fold after Ross Quits

Presenter Jonathan Ross' announcement to quit the BBC has led to speculation that the corporation may now actually have some money to spend on something decent.

A spokesman for the BBC said, "It is a good thing that Ross has gone. Now that he has quit our available budget has increased five hundred percent which means we can spend it on creating some decent programmes rather than blowing it all on one Friday night show where the host speaks about himself more than the guests do. Plus he wasn't doing the Jewish stereotype much good with a salary like that.

"The thought of creating a half decent drama series is very exciting," he added.

"Where's my money?"

Many are saying we are in desperate need for such programmes. The BBC's recent revival or sci-fi horror series Day of the Triffids met much criticism. Alan Jackson from Wales said, "I tuned in because I like Eddie Izzard when he's serious, you see. He has a likeable, mean quality to him. I started getting sceptical when they introduced the tired global warming theme, but I gave it the benefit of the doubt.

"However, the ball was dropped dead for me when he saved himself from an aeroplane crash by stealing life jackets and inflating them in the toilet of the plane. Oh really? Why didn't they try that on United-93, eh? Instead of trying to kill the bloody hijackers!

"I turned it off halfway through because I realised that all I was doing was watching two enormous tits running around a sea of blind people and deadly plants that don't exist whilst acting really badly. I thought, y'know what, I'm worth more than this. I deserve better! I do. Not Jonathan Ross. Me!"

The BBC commented on this situation saying, "Yes, the incredibly bad dramas we have been putting out that are trying so desperately to be American HBO extravaganzas will stop, we promise you that. We were merely buying time until Ross cleared off. I mean come on, did you think we were serious when we cast Tamzin Outhwaite in a series about theoretical spaceotemporal physics?

"Of course not! She's from Ilford. Now we have the money we can get someone decent like Nicholas Cage...or Keanu Reeves."