George Lucas to Flog a Dead Horse in 3D

Filmmaker George Lucas is to film himself beating a dead horse with a smug face whilst a lot of naive pricks with Buddy Holly glasses watch him, he announced this week.

3D or not, could you just piss off!

The multimillionaire announced that this new film will take "selling the same product over and over again to the next level of disgusting, talentless capitalistic greed.

"It's an exciting prospect," he added.

The movie entitled Star Wars: An Old Rope is expected to make even more money alongside its prequels...or sequels or whatever the fuck they are. Social commentator and film critic Paul Jackson laid this capital phenomena down to what he called "imbeciles" who are "so short sighted and biased that they would buy the bricks George Lucas lays in his bog on a Sunday afternoon.

"Which would actually be a more worthwhile purchase than a ticket to The Phantom Menace in 3D," he added, "At least a turd laying in the bottom of the pan won't start flying at you in the form of Ewan McGregor doing a poor impersonation of Alec Guinness."

Experts have estimated that the aforementioned movie will cause outbreaks of violence in cinemas across the world as thousands attempt to punch JarJar Binks in his stupid pink twattish face and end up hitting the person in front of them in the back of the head.

"It's led to many meetings with health and safety bodies," said Jake Lyndhall at the UK Film Council, "With any luck they'll decree the series as inciting hatred and rioting and that'll put a stop to Lucas.

"When I think of that man I have the disturbing mental image of a man raping his own child whilst holding his hand under it's mouth as it vomits currency. He really needs to be stopped."

But Lucas defends his decision, "I've made a lot of money off of one idea, and I was wondering how I could make even more. I've made three prequels that were proper monkey shit, five cartoon series, and approximately 1.3 billion videogames based on one franchise. But I didn't deter, I struggled on, I thought to myself 'How can I take this further? How can I squeeze this extraordinarily vacuous tit of some more delicious dollarmilk?'

"Then I saw Avatar and that James Cameron had made more money than an entire third world nation off the back of an overhyped gimmick and I thought 'Y'know what, that's how!'

"So I'm grabbing hold of that tit and squeezing it 'til it bleeds...go see Star Wars 3D."

Adam Sandler as Funny as an Abortion say Experts

Film and comedy critics around the world have announced that with the release of Grown Ups it is clear that Adam Sandler is as funny as a backstreet abortion of a healthy 24-week old foetus with a knitting needle.

Ho ho! ...it's all relative.

Film critic Paul Jackson said that upon viewing Sandler's latest release he "had a sudden screaming revelation. The revelation that something could be less funny than Little Nicky.

"Up until that point I had thought that this feat was a physical impossibility, like travelling faster than the speed of light. But this latest putrid dog turd of a movie was so bad I broke three toes, curling them up whilst cringing at Chris Rock ruining his reputation."

Another critic noted, "I have seen less childishness in a playground, less misogyny in the Koran and more moral fibre in Mein Kampf.

"But most of all, I've been to funerals that were more entertaining than this pile of shit."

So bad is the film, that it has urged a Channel 4 show into production entitled Top 100 Things That Are More Fun than Watching Grown Ups. The list includes timeless classics such as route canal surgery and wiping your arse with sandpaper but some enlightening interviews with Z-listers including Davina McCall, Cat Deeley and every person to ever enter the Big Brother house has revealed some more obscure choices such as:

• Having an endoscopy. (David Letterman)
• Vacuuming the Sahara desert. (James Caan)
• Dunking my balls into an operating blender. (Jeremy Clarkson)
• Watching someone else read. (Hillary Duff)
• Trying to eat air. (Miley Cyrus)
• Inserting Excalibur into my japseye. (John Tickle)
• Feeling my fingernails grow. (Ryan Reynolds)
• Severing our arse cheeks and sitting in a pool of vinegar. (T4 Presenters)
• Performing fellatio on a banker and telling him "Now I get to suck you dry, you naughty, naughty boy!" (Joe McElderry)

Jake Lyndhall, a recruitment consultant from Essex who had just seen Grown Ups, commented outside the cinema: "Once upon a time when I was about ten years old I was walking home from school. It was getting dark and I bumped into Alex Barnfield, the local school bully, he was one of those people who had the physique of a Minotaur at the age of eleven. He chased me for four or five miles through back alleys, cornfields and dense woodland.

"Eventually I spied a tree stump next to a fence, the one thing I had over Alex Barnfield was my ability to jump, I had recently been awarded the certificate for being the best high jumper in form 6B. It was a high fence but I thought 'I can do this! This will separate us and I will lose him and not get my head caved in by that brute of young man.'

"I used the stump as a launch pad and my adrenaline drenched thigh muscles dispensed all their strength into ascending me over that fence.

"99% of me made it over that fence. Unfortunately the 1% that didn't was my two testicles that remained hung by the spermatic chord on a rusty nail as I screamed with incomprehensible pain in Mrs. Peterson's back garden.

"Once he had climbed the fence Alex Barnfield called an ambulance, the event induced sympathy out of person who is now in Whitemoor maximum security prison for excessive GBH. As he was in Mrs Peterson's house making the call her dog came out, licked my groin injuries and then sqautted and shat on my face leaving me partially blind in one eye.

"Yet all that, all that I went through, was like having a full body massage from Megan Fox with a happy ending compared to watching Grown Ups.

"I now don't know who I hate more in life, Alex Barnfield, Adam Sandler or Mrs Peterson's dog."

Mental Fascist Invades Britain

A mentally ill fascist bigot known as "Pope Benedict XVI" has invaded British shores and has been welcomed by three people who can't think for themselves and a border collie called Sally.

Lunatic.

The insane subject, who dresses completely in white, plans to tour around Britain in a giant vending machine on wheels, talking to his imaginary friend with anyone loony enough to join in with him. He will then tell us that we all need to talk to his imaginary friend, and if we don't, his imaginary friend will send us to another dimension made of fire for eternity.

On hearing this declaration Jake Lyndhall, a social worker from Croydon said: "Hmmm...sounds like the ravings of a proper maniac to me. Has he been on the crack?"

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Crazy Nutter Studies at the University of Stratton confirmed that Ratzinger is indeed mentally unstable. "The man talks to someone who can't be seen or heard, that is the first sign a schizophrenia. Many other factors also point towards mental instability, for example, he recently told people in Africa that condoms increase the spread of AIDS.

"Now, I understand he's the head of some religious organisation or something which means his whole purpose is to say statements based on absolutely nothing as if they were facts, but come on! Even for a Pope, that's fucking loonshit!"

Continuing on the tour, the Pope is expected to stop by and visit Ian Huntley and then Jamie Bulger's killers giving them a warm greeting and to apologise for "not getting to them in time" in order to give them "the cover up that they deserved".

The tour will end with him telling the country that his imaginary friend has a list of ten things that he doesn't want us to do, and if we do these things he will send us to the fire dimension where we will scream in merciless pain and suffering until the end of time...but also that he loves us.

"Unless you're a faggot Marmite miner," added Benedict, "then you get a fasttrack pass straight to Satan's shithole."

If we obey then we are greeted with eternal bliss which the Vatican has promised to the best kind of joy imaginable. Father Vicenza claimed with a gleeful smile that "it's an even better feeling than the tight grip of a choir boy's rectum!"

Meanwhile, Benedict XVI's right hand man, Cardinal Kasper has labelled Britain a "Third World country". Matthew Doman from North London commented: "A third world country he says? Oh no, I think he's confusing us with Botswana. You see, we don't have a raging AIDS epidemic because some fucking whacko told the vulnerably uneducated that they shouldn't wear a connie."

However, many have found positive aspects of the Nazi's visit. Jason Flint from Glasgow told PressPoke, "My little one loves the Popemobile and he even asked his Holiness if he could have a ride in it! Didn't you, you cheeky rascal!"

The eight year old responded, "Yes, and he told me I couldn't but if I went and saw Father O'Doyle he'd sort me out with some kind of ride."

"This is How Ya Do It!" say Muslims

Muslims around the world have demonstrated to Pastor Terry Jones how to do a hate filled, racist protest properly.

Pastor Terry Jones...apparently.

Jones, the only Pastor in the world to run a Church smaller than his moustache, pulled out from his plan to burn a couple of copies of the Koran on September 11th. In response Muslims across the Middle-East have grouped together to desecrate American flags, pictures of Terry Jones and shout for Allah to send an eternity's worth of agonising pain, AIDS and rape upon American women and children.

A sign in Pakistan read, "Death to America and Pastor Jones for having no balls!"

One woman who had just ripped apart the Stars and Stripes using only her teeth said, "The West make us laugh until we vomit and become very angry! They think they can be racist bigots. HA! We show you how to be a racist bigot Pastor Terry Jones!

She then ran away adding, "ALLALALALALALALALLALAH!!!"

Imran Bakish, a thirty-four year old Muslim who enjoys commanding theological death upon the West in his spare time said, "All we are saying is if you're gonna do it, do it properly.

"Don't spend the whole week stirring the shit and acting all Billy Big Bollocks and then right at the last moment pussying out because you 'got a message from God'

"And for Mohammed's sake, go full out! Burning a couple of books? That's amateur stuff. Descend into the streets yelling for merciless torture and destruction upon an entire group of people purely because of their race, nationality or religion - the more rage induced xenophobia, the better.

"Finally, put some effort in and build some effigies. We made an effigy of you Pastor Jones, and then set it alight and tore it apart like rabid dogs. It took us little over half an hour - it's not hard. In fact the ones we made of you could have been anyone, half of them didn't even have a ridiculous moustache that resembles the bottom end of a broom. My mate Mohammed - no not that one - he premakes them ready for the next hate campaign against the West. He has about twenty in his mum's basement right now. He often says to me, 'Hey Imran, do you know when the next effigy burning's going to be?' and I say 'Ah, probably in a couple of months we'll find something to shout a shitstorm about.'

"See, it's just a matter of preparation, a little imagination, some glue, idiocy and a box of matches.

"Grow some balls you stupid old bastard."

Millions Mishear and Burn a Kerrang!

People all over the world have reportedly misheard Pastor Terry Jones' calls to burn a copy of the Koran on September 11th and instead have whole heartedly began setting alight to copies of teen grunge mag Kerrang!

Retro copies will definitely be burned!

Jake Lyndhall from Croydon, heard about Pastor Jones' cause on the radio, he then went and stockpiled over five hundred copies of Kerrang! magazine and invited all his friends, family and neighbours over to burn the lot.

"I heard what Pastor Jones was doing," said Mr. Lyndhall, "and I thought, 'That's a bloody great idea!' I once picked up a copy of that magazine in a Tesco Express and it was chocka full of narcissistic pricks, PR dictated music 'reviews' and general nonsensical bullshit.

"So yeah, I went out and bought south London's entire stock and thought I'd make a night of it. Loads of us are gonna have a right good laugh burning, ripping and shitting on copies of Kerrang! We've got some party games as well, such as pin-the-flaming-arrow-on-Anthony-Kiedis'-twatish-face (July '06 edition) and Kerrang! bobbing in a dirty bog."

Millions across the world have gleefully joined in with the mass destruction of the magazine unaware that the hate campaign was originally aimed at destroying the Islamic holy book, the Koran.

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Social Sciences at Stratton University commented: "The ironic thing to arise out of all of this is that burning copies of Kerrang! magazine on 9/11 makes just as much sense as burning the Koran.

"The people who flew those planes into the Twin Towers had about as much to do with Kerrang! magazine as they did with the Koran. You can attach whatever you want to a terrorist cause but at the end of the day all they're just raving bloody nutters.

"In fact if they'd said they'd done it because of Kerrang! we all would have found an interview with some mental Norwegian black metal band who supported terrorism against the US, pinned it on the entire country and maybe we would have ended that war within the same fucking year!"

Meanwhile Jake Lyndhall said, "Kor...Koran? Oh, Koran! As in the centrepiece of the Muslim religion. Ah, I see. Haha, I thought he said 'Kerrang!' Oh, haha, what a mix up! But, hang on...he wanted to...to do that? To the Koran? Oh, Jesus Christ! He's a fucking mentalist!"

Tony Blair's Memoirs Retitled "A Journey to the Centre of Hell"

Tony Blair's memoirs which are to be released on Wednesday have gone through two title reformations, from The Journey to A Journey and finally, A Journey to the Centre of Hell.

"I don't give a shit if you're Catholic."

The issue surrounding the title of the book as been laid down to various marketing strategies by publisher Random House. A spokesman said: "The concern originally was that the 'The Journey' sounded too egocentric, some said it was even approaching messianic so we made the snap decision to change it to 'A Journey'.

"However, when we thought about it for a while we said to each other 'hang on, Tony Blair isn't messianic at all, he's the opposite. The bloke's an absolute bastard!' so we added on '...to the Centre of Hell' because that's certainly where he's heading."

Another major alteration to the book will be a 500 page epilogue that has been written by a ghost writer describing Tony's future journey through the nine layers of Lucifer's evil domain. Readers can enjoy detailed descriptions of how he will face Cerberus, the three headed demon dog before swimming through a thirty mile lake of fire only to be tortured by faceless harpies for eternity using a pineapple, a pair of rusty wire cutters and a naked spectre of Ann Widecombe.

"Tony wasn't entirely happy with this addition," said the Random House spokesman Jake Lyndhall, "but y'know, we've got books to shift and we want to appeal to a demographic that consists of more than sixty year old Telegraph readers and Oxbridge students called Ralph and Edgar.

"Oh, and also we've removed his opening quote which was originally,  

"All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions." - Adlai E. Stevenson

and replaced it with...

bastard noun

1. A person born out of wedlock.
2. A viscous, despicable or thoroughly unliked person. 

         e.g. Oi Frank, isn't that Tony Blair a right bastard!
                Yeah, what a cunt.

"He didn't like that much either," added Mr. Lyndhall.

Critics are already raving about the book and especially the epilogue, one noted "a great bit" towards the end "where he has to face his own sins in the third circle of hell and so he gets to experience what it's like to have armed soldiers bust down his front door and murder his wife whilst a mortar shell blows his childrens' arms and legs off.

"That was top stuff!"

Facebook Expand Orwellian Empire

Personal details guzzler Facebook have released a new feature that tracks where you are, what you're doing and what kind of toilet paper you use to wipe your arse, it was revealed today.

Big Brother is Watching You

The feature, entitled 'Places' will allow Facebook users to update their status with their current location on the Earth's surface which the social media giant says "will significantly enhance their social experience".

However, today Mark Zuckerberg, the smug little nerdy shit who founded Facebook, admitted that it was all a guise in order to gain even more precious personal details of half a billion people.

"Facebook profiles have become ID cards on a global scale," he said chuckling, "and the best thing is they're voluntary!

"We've expanded our ID scheme slowly and have successfully made 500 million people tell us absolutely everything about them. People forget that when Facebook started all you put in was your name, university and a picture of you petting your cat. Now I can tell you where any Facebook user is at this exact moment, as well as who they are romantically engaged with and which nostril they picked this morning.

"Come on, test me!" he added laughing manically, "TEST ME!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAGH!!"

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Political Sciences at the University of Stratton has warned against this for a long time: "I started growing weary of Facebook back in 2008 when they seemed to think it was perfectly fine to start splashing your personal details around like a drunk scouser having a slash.

"Every company with a name has a Facebook application so that they can access every little bit of information about you, you reckon the CIA and MI5 don't have access to that also? Herr Zuckerburg was only talking to the Prime Minister and President Obama a few weeks ago!

"They are literally ID cards, think about it; you have a unique ID number, your actual name, your gender, age, where you were educated, where you grew up, what you enjoy doing and even your taste in books, music and movies. That's more than they could fit on a sodding ID card and the ironic thing is we've gone to the fucking trouble of making them ourselves!

"All these people were protesting in Whitehall a year ago about Gordon Brown trying to introduce ID cards and they were updating their statuses at the same time - 'In Whitehall telling the government to shove their Orwellian policies up their arse! Hands off our personal details!' - you bloody idiots! You've already given it all to them with a nice updated profile picture of you causing drunken havoc in Baskingstoke town centre!"

Zuckerberg commented: "The best thing about people is that 99% of them won't give two squirts of piss if something infringes upon their basic human rights as long as it makes telling their friends about their pointless little lives that much easier."

Music gets you Muntered, reveals Daily Mail

British tabloid paper The Daily Mail, has revealed the shocking news that listening to some music on YouTube can get you absolutely spanked off your tits.

Only 79p on iTunes!

The report is being taken seriously by the appropriate authorities, the police have said that they are now "fully committed to clamping down on what has been dubbed 'i-Dosing'."

However, some Daily Mail readers are not satisfied with such responses. Lindsay Gloin who lives in a tiny apartment that she never leaves for fear of being stabbed and/or raped, said, "They get access to these i-Doses on YouTube, and the police have admitted that you can't ban videos on there just because they have a tempo of 5900 beats per minute and were made by a German.

"So if we can't ban i-Doses how the hell are we going to get round to banning all the other things like premarital sex, fun and Asian people?"

Unlike the Daily Mail we found an "i-Doser" to talk to about his traumatic experiences with the digital drug. "I started not by using but by dealing. I'd knock up thirty hardcore trance tunes a day on my iMac and deal them out on CDs in Camden. If people came to my house I could give them sixty tracks on a flash drive as a package deal.

"One day the temptation got too much and I plugged-in to sample my own shit. After that I was hooked - it's like any drug, you know it's bad but you can't help going back. Of course I knew that the sound of 60 layered bass synths transposed over the top off a dude repeating 'Himmelsreise in meinem Kopf' was utter shit, it sounded like a robot being raped, but I couldn't help it and would return to those ear buds time and time again.

"Eventually I was found on top of some high rise flats in Hackney flapping my arms screaming that I was going to fly to Alpha Centuari 'im meine Rocketship!'"

Local police officer Paul Jackson said, "It's cases like this young man's that show the danger of i-Dosing and we must thank all those, and especially The Daily Mail, who have brought such a genuine threat to our attention.

"Thank you The Daily Mail for not being infested with the shitty kind of diatribe that the other papers are simply to make gargantuan amounts of money off of petrified, mentally challenged xenophobes.

"We salute you!"

Sarah Palin talks "Utter Nonsense", say Experts

Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska, has been exposed by top political scientists for "making about as much sense as a cellophane Maxi pad."

"Counting's easy!"

The controversial statement has been made at a time when Palin is strongly rumoured to be the Republican Presidential candidate for 2012. Professor Paul Jackson says the move was intentional: "I find it very worrying that there is even the remotest possibility that our next president could be a person whose idea of a foreign policy is being intimate with the rules of ice hockey."

Yet, the thought of a Palin presidency does not only worry experts. Matt Doman, a father of three from New Jersey said, "Does this woman think dinosaurs were here four thousand years ago? Seriously, someone ask her. This is very important, because she's gonna have access to the nuclear codes!"

"The problem with Palin," Jackson commented, "is that not even she knows what the hell she is talking about."

Palin is expected to release a book later this summer containing all the buzzwords she spews out when she doesn't know what the green and blue fuck is going on...which is 98.5% of her waking life. Words include "policy", "foreign", "weapons of mass destruction" and for a limited time only comes with The Mini Dictionary of Sarah Palin's Coined Words - now you too can increase religious hatred between two races by "refudiating" the building of a Mosque on ground zero!

"You ask her a question and she'll start firing out these random political phrases regardless of whether or not they are at all relevant," explained Professor Jackson.

"Oh, that and also she's thicker than a the walls of a nuclear submarine," he added.

Babies Sue Johnson's Shampoo

Babies across the world have united to file a class action lawsuit against the shampoo producer Johnson's.

"This is bullshit!"

The infants' reason for suing the cosmetic giant is "for false advertising" and "making us cry a lot more than we expected."

One of the leaders of the campaign, Jake Lyndhall aged 2, commented: "Not only have they advertised on television, billboards and other mainstream media that their products produce 'No More Tears' but they have plastered it on the front of every bottle of the wretched stuff since day one.

"So what were we to expect? When my Mummy lathered the stuff into my hair I was fine at first, thinking this isn't like the others, it says 'No More Tears' on the bottle, I can see that.

"Then out of of nowhere a small drop of water infused with Johnson's falsely advertised magma dripped straight into the corner of my left eye. I thought that dinosaur from the first Jurassic Park had just spat that black goo in my face like it did to the fat man.

"Did I cry? Cry?! I let my Mum fucking have it! It was like having the ninth circle of hell in my eye!" he added.

Johnson's have admitted to creating a product "which only works for a certain proportion of the baby public". A spokesman said, "We meant the slogan to be a light-hearted catchphrase and we apologise if it doesn't ring true for all of our consumer base.

"However, to be honest they are a touchy bunch of brats to take it seriously. I mean saying that you've invented a shampoo that doesn't sting when it goes in your eyes is like saying you've invented chips that taste good and only contain five calories, or a bra that isn't an absolute ball ache for men to take off.

"These things just don't happen, the kids are in fairy tale land!"

"He's got some bloody cheek," responded baby Jake on reading the statement on his Fisher Price laptop, "I should be in fairy tale land but I can hardly delve into the escapism of Peter Pan as read by my Mummy when I've got three tonnes of Johnson's Agent fucking Orange in my sockets still causing me grief!

"It was even one of those books where you get cues to press the buttons and Tinkerbell tinkles and Hook says something really nasty - but even mashing them into oblivion until it drives my parents insane couldn't take my mind off the utter suffering emblazoned upon my vision by Mr. Johnson!

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" he added.

Northern Nutters - The Game!

The New ROYAL CREDIT CARD!

Police Fail to find Referee's Killer

Police have failed to find the killer of football referee Jorge Larrionda who oversaw England's disastrous game against Germany on Sunday.

Not a single witness.

Larrionda was murdered in the middle of the day on Longmarket street, one of the busiest areas of Cape Town. The body was transported all the way to the football stadium in Bloemfontein where it was stripped naked, hung with a noose from the north facing crossbar and had the words "NOW DO YOU SEE THE FUCKING LINE?" carved into its belly.

Despite forensic evidence suggesting the entire event occurred between 11:06 and 16:16 South African time, no witnesses have testified to seeing the murder.

Police questioned a man from Clacton-on-Sea called Barry Strongbeard who has been identified on CCTV as having witnessed the murder. Despite the video technology confirming Larrionda suffered twenty-nine stab wounds, a scalping with a Katana sword and three gunshots to the kneecaps Mr. Strongbeard insists "From where I was, which was about thirty yards away, it didn't look like a murder.

"He might have had a go, given him a slap or two, but that's all."

The police have since given up on the investigation only twelve hours after starting it, saying in a press statement: "Who killed him wouldn't make a difference anyway, he was rubbish at self-defence so he had it coming to him."

The body was found yesterday morning by England defender John Terry when he finally made it back to the penalty area. He admits to calling the police only once he had telephoned his Dad to make sure it wasn't "one of his.

"He said 'No son, but whilst yer there ask 'im a few questions about haa to defend a fucking goalmouf an' ya might learn a fing or two ya pillock!' and then hung up."

Bongo the Silverback to Replace Rooney

A Silverback gorilla named Bongo has been drafted by Fabio Capello to replace Wayne Rooney, it emerged last night.

After "careful review" from the England management, the 700 lbs beast whose favourite food is his own faeces will play on Wednesday night against Slovenia instead of the Manchester United striker.

"I'm England 'til I die!!"

A spokesman for the England team said in a press statement last night: "We have studied Wayne Rooney's performance so far in the World Cup and we feel that a vital element to England's chances of qualifying to round two is for us to have a player up front who doesn't have a first touch that is closely associated with Peter Sutcliffe or Jack the Ripper.

"So we've drafted in Bongo who has already begun training."

Bongo is said to be bonding well with his new team mates and has developed an especially close relationship with defender John Terry. Joe Cole commented: "He's getting along with the lads, although we do have to keep reminding him of the rules. 99% of the time he's fine but on a couple of occasions in training we've passed him the ball to him and he's just stopped dead and started ripping it to shreds before lobbing his cack at Steven Gerrard and climbing Peter Crouch.

"I think he thinks Peter's a tree," he added.

"He gets angry like that," said a near by Frank Lampard, "but once he releases his sexual frustration he's fine so we just send him out with John for a night and the next day he's magic."

Much speculation has arisen as to what Rooney's removal from the team will do to both team and spectator morale. However, the team insist that the move is the correct one - "There's a lot of bonuses of having a gorilla as a centre-forward," said Lampard, "most notably, with the aid of an opposable digit Bongo can grab the ball with his feet and literally fuzz it into the net.

"And if that don't work he just goes over and rips the keeper's arms and face off."

"To be honest," said a FIFA official, "I don't think many will even notice that Capello's made the swap."

"Green", "Heskey", "ITV" and "Shit" see Usage Increase

In a recent study it was found that since 7:30PM last night the words "Green", "Heskey", "ITV" and "a stinking pile of useless shite" have seen a usage increase among the British public of 900%.

The opening goal.

The study taken from recorded telephone conversations and CCTV microphones also took into account the emotional quality of each utterance of the keywords. It found that whilst over 55% of them were said in annoyance, a significant 45% were said with colossal amounts of glee and satisfaction in Scottish and Welsh accents.

Professor Paul Jackson who headed the study said: "It's a classic case of English pessimism meeting Scottish and Welsh racism - all rather normal behaviour except that this weekend it's increased almost ten fold.

"We have seen a peak of the keywords' mention and expect a fall to now commence throughout the week. However, we predict a huge increase will conclude on Friday between 7:30 and 9:30PM.

"If it continues on this scale we could see words like 'Heskey', 'useless' and 'tosser' overtake words like 'the',  'a' and 'omg'."

ITV's mention coincides with what has been described as "the biggest TV fuck up since Heil Honey I'm Home!" - the loss of broadcast on ITV's new "brighter" HD channel when Steven Gerrard scored the first, four minute goal.

Football fan Billy Norman commented, "I could not believe it. When you thought ITV could not get any shitter, they go and put a fucking advert when England's first 2010 World Cup goal is scored.

"Seriously, can you make a bigger mistake? Is it possible to have a TV network any worse than ITV? I'd rather see BabeStation win the rights for the next World Cup."

According to Jackson, comments like these continued in pubs and bars across England after the game had finished and all the way through James Corden's post-match show Look How Many Famous Gits I Hang out With in which "fat" also saw a frequency spike.

Punching iPad Owners "Fine with Us", say World Leaders

Twenty-nine world leaders across the globe announced yesterday that punching the first dick you see with an iPad is "fine with us".

Go on, you know you want to.

The agreement, which is supported by the United Nations, lowers the assault laws so that inciting fear and actual bodily harm are legally permissible if the victim is an iPad owner. The law amendment is active from today in twenty-nine countries including Britain, the United States and France. According to the US Congress it is designed to "let smug assholes know exactly who they are".

Limitations

Many governing bodies have stressed that the law does have limitations. If the iPad owner is in the privacy of their own home or if they are in public and the iPad cannot be visibly seen or is switched off then assault is "still not an option".

However, the British Secretary of State for Justice Kenneth Clarke said: "the first imbecile you see pull out one of these things on the tube or in a meeting to make notes on or 'put something in the diary', you are legally permitted to smash him right in the face before saying 'That's for being a complete dick, you dick!'"

If this phrase is not uttered after the assault occurs then the victim can rightly press charges, however Clarke said other variations of the phrase would be allowed such as, 'Why would you need to use that now, you dick!', 'You have been tapping on that thing the whole journey and I can see all you are doing is flying around Google Maps, you dick!' and 'For Christ's sake use a fucking pen and paper you fucking pretentious dick head!'

Japan Excused

The twenty-nine countries who have signed up to the agreement include most of the Western world where flashing an iPad around in public generally highlights you as a materialistic moron. Japan is the only country that has refused to agree to the international law, the United Nations released a statement saying that this was assumed and pardoned from the beginning: "It's just what the Japanese do. In their culture having the latest gadget isn't a symbol of wealth or penis extension that indicates idiocy and egomania, it's simply something everyone must have - like food or water.

"Seriously, every five year old kid in Japan will be walking around typing memos and playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure on an iPad by this time next week."

Scientists Create Life with More Intelligence than Creationists

Scientists in California have successfully created the first fully synthetic micro-organism that has more intelligence than creationists and The Daily Mail's key demographic put together.

The scientific breakthrough which involved placing completely artificial DNA into a host cell has created a microbe of very simplistic nature.

Not taking the Alpha course.

Yet many experts claim it to have "more coherent and logical thought patterns than most creationists" despite it not having a brain.

"It's quite astonishing to think what we have managed," said Dr. Paul Jackson who worked on the project, "a single celled organism that is less ignorant, self-important and solipsistic than 98% of Alabama.

"The organism simply wanders around its petridish bumping into other microscopic things and regulating it's osmotic potential. Yet our studies show that this is a much more sensible way to live a life than spending two hours a week in a building talking to a fictitious character who is merely the product of ancient political manipulation.

"But then our microbe isn't shit scared of dying," he added.

Meanwhile, Dr. Craig Venter who led the experiment has expressed his annoyance at how ungrateful humanity is: "I take the first step towards a brighter future for mankind - the end to AIDS, a cure for cancer and the mass production of vital medicine that could be delivered to the third world cheaply - and all people can say to me is that 'I'm playing God'!

"Well thanks a fucking bunch! I won't bother next time!"

"The clincher was when we created a second microbe next to the first," said Jackson, "and it did not start shouting at us that we were playing God or suggest that I Am Legend was about to become true.

"It obviously realised the irony in saying such a thing because this experiment is just another in a series that helps to prove that there was never a God that did create life, that life is merely the assembly of certain chemicals which was easily capable by nature and that the idea of a soul and an afterlife is completely fallacious.

"And that is what convinced us that what we had created was considerably smarter than Ben Stein, Ted Haggard and Bill O'Reilly combined."

Danny Dyer to be PM's Advisor

Film "actor" Danny Dyer is to become the Prime Minister's personal advisor, it was revealed late last night.

The "actor" who has recently been out of a job was hired yesterday by David Cameron in order to give him personal advice on "matters both political and personal".

"Already he has been a fantastic aid," said Cameron, "he understands the way a Tory government works, our system of responsibility and standing up for oneself. He has had a key influence on decisions I have already made and ones I will make in the future."

Questions the PM has asked Dyer:

Q: The next election is scheduled for 2015 and after five years people may realise what a hash of things we've made and want Harriet Harman in by voting Labour, what should I do to prevent this?
A: 'Arriet may not always be the leada of the opposishon, but if she is, you could always try and beat 'er on a matter of policy and win over the people that way, showin' them that you are the best. Or...you could cut her face and no one would want her then.

Q: I have invited Nick Clegg into government because enough people saw through my guise of 'helping the people', if he turns on me and causes problems what should I do?
A: Take Clegg aside and talk to him in a cool and polite manna about your difference of opinion, and why you 'old that difference of opinion. Or simply cut his face and no fucka will listen to 'im then.

Q: If Sam's baby turns out not to be mine, what should I do?
A: Find some ova slapper and knock 'er up da duff to piss the bitch off. Or...cut her tits off and da baby won't want any milk then.

Q: How should I go about tackling football hooliganism after fourteen of the sixteen productions you've ever made have glamorised it so irresponsibly?
A: Go to the next West Ham, Millwall game in a big fuck off 'elicopter and shout fru a megaphone, "Oi, you cunts! Calm the fuck down or I'll cut all ya faces!" If that don't work cut their 'ands off and they won't be able to punch any fucker.

Q: How should I deal with misogynistic articles written in mainstream media whose target audience is young, impressionable teenage boys?
A: Tell the fuckin' editor it was 'is fault for allowing the article to go fru and get published. If he says it was whoever wrote it, and that they are a jumped up little shit who lives off a pathetic hard man persona and will go to extreme lengths just to make those young impressionable boys as well as complete twats, laugh and think he's cool...tell 'im to shut the fuck up and then cut his face.

"He is the ideal man for the job," said Cameron, "and I am very happy with his advice and progress. When we said you were 'Voting for Change' I bet you didn't think we meant permanently to your face!"

In other news, Robert Mugabe has expressed his delight at the British electoral system stating "I love it how you have members of a party in government who only got voted into 9% of the seats.

"You carry on like this and I might start letting you guys into the country again," he added clapping. Mr. Dyer insisted that if he didn't "he'd cut 'is fuckin' face."

"Fuck it" says Clegg

The leader of the Liberal Democrats today said in a press statement, "Y'know what, fuck it and all its worth. What a shitting waste of my fucking, cunting time!"

"Fuck off!"

Angered by the lack of opinion poll merit materialising into votes, Clegg has decided that he can't be arsed with the whole routine if people are just going to agree with him in the run up before voting Tory.

"It's unbelievable!" he said, "The public just led me on and then chucked me away like a used condom. It's like the 27th woman I tried nailing; she was a toughie, played bloody mind games! She teased me, told me how attractive I was and then when I got the lass into bed she said 'she couldn't do this'.

"What a frigid little slapper, eh? Well guess what Britain, you just did the same fucking thing, you whore!

"And you know how that series of events ended? With me getting into bed with her best friend, just like I'm gonna do now!"

David Cameron has also indicated that he would be prepared to form a coalition government with the Liberal Democrats. If both parties do make an official agreement many say it will squander everything the LibDems stand for.

"Well, you made me do it," said Clegg, "I've spent a month believing that I could not get the Liberal Democrats in power but at least make them a respected party in time for the next election - a serious choice in people's minds. And everyone says 'Yes Nick, you can. We agree, we love you Nick, you're the new sodding Susan Boyle!' I worked and worked and worked and then what happens? We don't gain fifty seats. Not twenty or ten, not even one. We lose five fucking seats!!

"FIVE!!" he added.

"Fucking Lembit Opik lost! If Lembit fucking Opik lost then what cocking chance do the Liberal shitting Democrats have?! Fuck it, where's David? I've got a feeling the 31st person I sleep with is not going to be a woman."

Election Day Special: PolCats

Voters across the country have been horrified this evening as polling booth doors close without taking their vote.

Prime Minister has an Opinion

Shock rippled across the country this week as the Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught expressing an opinion.

Deckard's called off Gordon's case.

The event occurred on Wednesday morning. Gordon Brown got into his car after talking to the people of a small Manchurian suburb and a SkyNews microphone inadvertently picked up what is known to mortal members of the public as a "private conversation".

The shock revelation that politicians are anything near human has caused uproar. Barry Strongbeard who was not at the location when it happened and trusts The Sun's recollection of it completely said, "I think it is absolutely disgusting that Gordon Brown, a man in power, is allowed to have a personal opinion about someone and what's more express that opinion when he thought he was in private. It's outrageous!"

Sally Lyndhall from Lancashire commented, "It's just not right is it? It's not right that in the twenty-first century we have a man running the country who is not a robot who never ever makes a sweeping statement out of frustration. If C-3PO was PM this wouldn't have happened.

"He would have just got in the car and bickered with his spin doctor R2-D2, and they'd drive back to Number 10, and there would be a screen wipe transition, and some nice music, and we'd all be happy because we would be getting the complete fantasy world we seem to expect from modern day life.

"That's how politics should be!" she added.

The weight that Brown's personal opinion will have on the public opinion polls is expected to be gargantuan. Similar results are expected in the election this week, due to most people basing their vote on which leader they'd prefer to have a cup of tea with whilst chatting about last week's episode of Come Dine with Me, rather than policies.

Not all have been disgusted by Brown's utterances. Mr. Jackson had been out of the country when the event happened, he said "I came back on Saturday and read the papers. Well, the amount of attention they were all giving Mrs. Duffy, I thought she'd been raped and utilised as a human toilet or something.

"This is all a little silly isn't it? The man expresses an opinion that is no worse to what every Guardian reader bleats out eleven times a week and everyone starts going fucking mental!"

Meanwhile, everyone remains absolutely certain that both David Cameron and Nick Clegg have never said anything remotely similar in private about a member of the public.

4M Die a Little Inside Watching David Cameron

The four million viewers who tuned into the live party leaders' debate on Thursday night all died a little inside as David Cameron turned to the camera and spoke to them directly.

Viewer discretion advised.

The tactic, which was only utilised by Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg in the previous debate on Channel 4, was stolen by Tory party leader David Cameron in a pitiful attempt to receive the same kind of poll boostings. Unfortunately for Cameron the move only made him seem more greasy than he already was, which before now was deemed by experts to be impossible.

Jake Lyndhall watched the debate from his home in south Lincolnshire, he told PressPoke: "I tuned in to Sky News to watch three grown men argue whilst saying quite similar things just like I had seen the previous week. Now, I'd heard all this commotion in the papers about how Clegg had 'spoke to the nation' and how it helped him a lot, but never was I prepared for Cameron's response to the opening question!

"He did his usually smarmy routine of pretending to be the questioner's best fucking mate. Y'know the drill; 'Hi Tom, by the way, I'd like to say that as one of our builders, you are doing a fantastic fucking job mixing cement and helping to literally build a bigger, better Britain', that usual horse shit. But he only did this for the first sentence this time.

"Then I saw it! I saw him turning, and I thought 'Oh please! God, no! He's copying Clegg! Don't! Please!' but he continued to turn. He looked directly into the camera and continued his argument...to me! Me!!

"Well it was at that point that I did actually feel a little part of my soul exhumed through my eye sockets."

Another viewer, Tracey Sulemberg said, "It was like starring into the the eyes of Medusa. Except instead of turning you to stone he just made you want to vomit on the spot and claw your eyeballs out of your head.

"For once Gordon Brown actually came across rather well because he was the only one not looking at me like some bloody deranged pervert!" she added.

Why Clegg seems to be able to pull of this 'direct speech' routine whilst Cameron cannot remains to be fully explained. However Professor Paul Jackson, head of politics at the University of Stratton has one theory: "This difference is simply down to the fact that Clegg does not resemble a slimy used condom that someone's drawn a face onto.

"If you want to convince four million people that you are going to create a 'fairer Britain' when one of your policies is introducing tax breaks for the extremely rich, then it doesn't matter if you are talking to them, the floor or their fucking ball sacks - they ain't gonna buy it!"

Carol Ann Duffy Writes More Shit

The Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy, has contributed to the efforts to help those stranded abroad by writing a lot of pointless shit.

Witness the genius.

The female poet said that she decided to write a poem about the volcano ash to give hope to those who are currently unable to get home.

We asked those stuck in various places all over Europe what they thought of Duffy's words. "If by 'helping us'", said Jake Lyndhall currently in Sunny Beach, Bulgaria, "she means making us more bored and depressed than we already were, then yeah, I suppose she has helped us.

"Other than that she's basically described something rather simplistic in a needlessly complicated manner."

Rachel Wiseman from Leeds, now in Athens said, "If any other person wrote a poem about a fucking ash cloud someone would tell them to go and get a CAT scan at their local hospital. But no, because it's Carol Ann-Up-Her-Own-Duffy then everyone thinks it's a sodding masterpiece and gives it repeat airtime on Radio 5."

Professor Paul Jackson from Stratton University has analysed the poem extensively since its release and commented, "This country is famous for its tradition and history of great literature. I read Silver Lining by Carol Ann Duffy and immediately heard the distant rumbling of Shakespeare, Milton and Orwell all doing fifteen thousand RPM in the respective graves.

"In a hundred years time Literature students worldwide will look at our the works across time and see the Renaissance had Hamlet and Paradise Lost, the Enlightenment had Frankenstein and Dracula and the 21st century had...a poem about people stuck in Zante.

"Thank you Carol Ann shitting Duffy!"

Meanwhile, millions of Britons are having a bloody great time legitimately sciving off work and sunning themselves by a pool for free.

Conservatives are Cancerous, say Experts

The Labour party has funded a study which has discovered that Conservatives are actually cancerous.

The Thames in two years time.

The study, which was conducted across fifty cities in the UK, provided evidence that contracting a form of cancer is five times more likely if you are a Tory. Furthermore, a person is three times more likely to get cancer from socialising with Conservatives, nine times as likely for using the words 'vote', 'for' or 'change' and if you vote blue in the upcoming election you are almost certainly going to die within the next four years.

The results have been published alongside a Labour election pamphlet which is entitled "Vote or Die, Bitch: A Blackmail Slip for all Breast Cancer Sufferers".

Professor Paul Jackson, lead researcher behind the study said, "We ran tests on numerous different Conservatives including David Cameron and George Osborne. The results show that all of them are more cancerous than any of the nine million foodstuffs the Daily Mail has attributed cancer to before.

"Moreover, William Hague is obviously on rigorous chemotherapy and simply with a Geiger counter we discovered that their seats in the House of Commons are highly radioactive.

"In fact, we believe that Margaret Thatcher has a bloodstream consisting of 68% depleted uranium and that she is actually dead.

"Which actually isn't that much of a revelation," he added.

Gordon Brown issued the statement earlier this morning, "We are not desperate for votes, so I am not forcing or frightening anyone to vote for Labour in a highly morally repugnant manner. All I am saying is, if you like living and chemo isn't your thing, you better vote for me...I mean us!"

Daily Mail Readers Go Mental due to Kick-Ass

Thousands of Daily Mail readers across the country have gone absolutely bat-shit insane because a good movie was a lot of fun.

Paedo inducing, apparently.

The movie, Kick-Ass, has been applauded by critics and people with a sense of humour, all around the world. However, the Daily Mail continues to spout its self-righteous, censorship admiring, big brother donkey shite by trashing Matthew Vaughn's new action comedy.

Daily Mail subscriber Barry Strongbeard said, "This movie is absolutely disgusting! It has a little girl in it who swears and kills people. Children will see that and their fragile little minds will be completely affected.

"You see, what you have to understand is that children and young teenagers are stupid, they think fictitious movies are real. They actually think it is happening! They will think Kick-Ass is what they should be like and it will turn them all into little Jon Venables.

"Jon! Venables! Can you imagine every child being like him?! We'd have to execute an entire generation!"

Another reader of the tabloid paper Mary Moanypants commented, "I haven't seen the movie but I just know that it should be banned. I know what is best for other people and that is for them not to see such a horrifically violent movie that claims to be 'a comedy'. Violence is never fun!

"Unless it's inflicted upon Jon Venables," she added.

"Also, she used the word 'cunt' in the movie. The word cunt should be banned as well because cunt is an utterly vulgar word, no one should ever use the word cunt...unless it's to Jon Venables. The cunt!"

The younger demographic are not the only ones infuriated either. Victor Granger, aged 78 from Grimsby said, "Well Daily Mail critic Christopher Tookey, said about the little girl in the motion picture, he said that, 'paedophiles are going to adore her'.

"He said that the film is 'exploitative' towards young women because the little girl is dressed in a school uniform at one point. I said to myself, 'I agree, that's disgusting,' and then turned to page three and got some wrist action in."

Meanwhile, Dave Warrington from Somerset has set up the protest group SOS (Save Our Sexuality). He feels strongly that Kick-Ass should be banned "because I have a superhero fetish and think it is absolutely repulsive that I might find myself attracted to a 14 year old girl."

Professor Paul Jackson, head of media studies at the University of Stratton had this to say: "The people who read the Mail think that when they step outside their front door there is a 94% chance that they'll get stabbed, raped, or turned into a paedophile.

"So when someone makes a film that is violent and funny it satirises their deepest fears and they...well they get very, very angry and upset.

"Plus, they are also just fucking stupid," he added.

Catholic Church Admits to Liking Justin Bieber

In a shock revelation, the Catholic church has admitted to enjoying the music of young pop starlet Justin Bieber.

Suspicions that the church had indulged in such contentious actions have been rife for some time. However, further controversy has now arisen due to the Vatican's previous attempts to cover up its fondness of Bieber's music.

The Justin Bieber Fan Club.

Since the announcement, experts have been investigating possible reasons as to why the young Canadian has been so popular within the Catholic church. Paul Jackson, professor of Dirty Perversion Studies at Stratton University, had this to say: "After hours of strenuous research we believe that the reason so many priests enjoy Bieber's work is because of the profuse sexual undertones in his music videos.

"Anything that is aimed at young, impressionable fourteen year old girls by filthy, immoral record labels is likely going to be of great interest to Catholic priests."

Earlier this week, Pope Benedict XVI himself announced that he regularly holds dance sessions with other Vatican priests to Bieber's hit single Baby, in his spare time. Although he admits that they rarely complete the dance routine because oddly "everyone starts watching the television fervently when Ludacris has the child in a headlock from behind."

Jackson and his team conducted an interview of over five hundred priests who all have Justin Bieber on their iPods. He found that 36% voted their favourite song as Baby because of the lyrics 'I'm going down, down, down, down.' But only 2% acknowledged this as a reference to damnation in hell.

64% prefer One Time because of the video. Father Belvichi said, "I particularly like the part where there is a house party full of under age children and Justin and his friends start spraying streams of white liquid over each other from cans at crotch height.

"Mmm...very good!" he added.

Polemicist and anti-theist Christopher Hitchens has already published an article slating that Catholic church for its admiration of Bieber's music. He writes, "As I said in my book God is Not Great, religion poisons everything. And now the music industry is another thing to add to the list.

"The Vatican supported the Nazis' exile after the Second World War, a group who had a shockingly poor regard for equality and human rights. Now, they are supporting Justin Bieber, a gentleman who has a shockingly poor regard for age boundaries and human eardrums.

"However, funding an affluent record label is the first time the Vatican has supported Jews, so I suppose that's a start," he added.

Healthcare Bill Pass Annoys Rich Americans

Thousands of key fat cats in the American pharmaceutical and insurance businesses, today expressed their annoyance with the passing of the healthcare reform bill, because now they won't be able to exploit so many dying people.

"Great news, Obama says you can live!"

The landmark healthcare reform bill was passed yesterday with absolutely no Republican backing. Various rich, heartless CEOs have already started picketing outside the White House and more are expected to join by the end of week.

We spoke to one of the protesters, George Gimbleby, head of Pay Up or Die, Ltd. "It is an absolute disgrace," he said, "that President Obama thinks he can take hold of this country and start making poor people happier and everyone more equal! What the hell does he think he's playing at?

"I will not see this country, the country I love, become a socialist state like Russia...or one of those other ones. This is America, and in America you pay for your privilege to live, otherwise we tell you to fuck off and find a damp corner to die in."

Another protester, David Dapleby, co-owner of GimmeMoney insurance also expressed his disdain at the bill's passing: "This is ridiculous! Do you think life should be for free? No, you should pay me vast sums of money for it! What do you think this is? A civilised country? Well, I will not see Mr. Obama turn it into one.

"I don't care if it's proven that nationalised health services are more efficient! In a country of God we should do what Jesus would do. Do you think he healed the sick for free? No, of course he didn't! He asked to see their insurance documents or a valid credit card first!"

Meanwhile, millions of Republicans across America are also protesting against the newly passed bill because John Boehner told them it was "communism". He elaborated: "You see, the great thing about Republicans is that 98% of them don't think for themselves. You simply mention that magic word 'communism' in relation to anything - and I mean anything - and they will start yelling like the hounds of hell about it.

"It's like poking a rabid pit bull in the balls, it's great!" he added.

Bill Wickman, a registered Republican from Maryland said, "Kill the Bill! Kill it! I don't care if it's passed, just end it! It is communist! And even though there are many wonderful services in our country which are equally as 'communist' such as the police force, the fire department, and road maintenance, this is different...somehow...Bill O'Reilly said so!"

"It is a sad, sad day for America," said Gimbleby, "the day when a person with cancer or a potentially fatal injury can receive treatment and not have the additional stress of wondering how he's going to pay for it.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed wiping his tears away with $100 bills, "if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go home, cry and comfort eat organ doners' hearts. My son will only be a multi-millionaire and not a multi-billionaire!"

David Starkey's New Britain gets Green Light

In a new television series the presenter and historian David Starkey, is turning his attention to how he would like to see Britain run - with whips, torture facilities and "prole curfews".

The 65 year old Cambridge graduate has decided to focus upon the future instead of the past in his new series "because people need to wake up," he said.

Remember kids, "Arbeit Macht Frei!"

"It has been an age since this country, what was the greatest empire in the world, has been managed properly," he ranted. "Can no one see the utter chaos that has ensued since unionisation, benefit allowances and converting the Tower of London into a tourist attraction?"

The new series, which will be aired on Channel 4, will last for six shows, each concentrating on a different sect of society with a lower financial income than Starkey's. He admits that the episodes are quite formulaic; they will all open with a description of the "putrid people in question", then explain how they uniquely "make this country scummy" and finally describe the measures that would be taken in Starkey's Britain "to remove them from the face of God's good, green country."

Due to the success of Starkey's previous television series on the Tudor period, a larger budget has been at his disposal this time around, which he has spent on dramatic envisions of his future. Producer Paul Jackson said, "Most of the things he's asked for such as armoured police outfits, black and Asian people, and tear gas is readily available. So he's pretty easy to work with and gets on well with the guys in charge of props.

"Although, he did ask for a fully sized, functioning guillotine, which caused some problems at first. We asked him where in the script there is a flashback to Tudor Britain and he just looked at us blankly and said, 'There isn't.'"

Starkey has also suggested that the DVD of the series will contain a bonus episode which takes a closer look at "feral children". "It's a bit of a venture for me," he said, "into more David Attenborough territory.

"But it is still fresh. Attenborough doesn't yell derogatory, snobberies at the animals in Life, does he?"

The DVD will be released on 20th April by Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei Media, Ltd.