Internet Campaign to Vote in LibDems

An internet campaign has been launched on the popular social networking site Facebook with the goal of seeing the Liberal Democrats brought to power in the 2010 general elections.

The Facebook 'group' was started by married couple Jon and Tracey Porter. Mr. Porter had this to say: "Our aim is to amass enough attention and activism so that we can topple the boring, sugary, mainstream LaboConservative politics machine that repeats the same things over and over again just in a different key.

A pipe dream, say many.

"Yes, what we are voting in is very old," he added, "it's a long shot, it has been a long time since they were popular and they do spout very misinformed opinions all over the place.

"However, the Liberal Democrats have promised a free party liaison open to the public if they get into power."

Some have pointed out that the Liberal Democrats operate under the same umbrella group as Labour and the Conservatives which is simply 'Rich, Old, Lying Men' and that your tax money will still be in the same peoples' hands.

On BBC Radio 5 earlier this week LibDem frontman Nick Clegg defended the campaign, "This isn't about the tax money, people are just sick of being spoon fed the same schmaltzy policies one after another. They want to hear something different, regardless of whether its true or not."

He was then abruptly taken off air after repeating obscenities which included, "environment", "A fresh start for Britain," and "free and open society".

Broadcaster Shelagh Fogerty then apologised saying, "Sorry, we weren't expecting him to do that - well we were, but we asked him not to and he still did - so vote Tory!"

Meanwhile, it is blazingly clear that Simon Cowell is still some how getting ridiculously richer whatever the outcome.

New Tiger Woods Game to Include Frantic Affairs

Games developer EA Sports have announced that their new video game Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 will not be focused solely on the international golf circuit but also in the bedrooms of thousands of women.

Ensure she doesn't find out!

The game will feature a section where after you have won one of the various beautifully rendered golf tournaments you will go home have a shower, seduce a woman and then shag her beautifully rendered brains out.

A spokesman for EA said, "We are trying to keep our series of games fresh and realistic. We'd done so much on the physics system in the last game that we worried as to where we could advance the next title. Fortunately, Tiger is a devious little bastard so we utilised his success off the golf course and made a game out of it."

Tasks within the game will include choosing which excuse to tell the wife when you leave to have an affair, choosing which CGI Barbie doll to woo (choices of chat up lines range from "Hi, I'm Tiger Woods," to "Hey, wanna see a game with shafts, balls and holes that's not golf?") and finally rapidly press Y to increase the pace of unbelievably dirty sex in one of ninety-eight positions until Tiger climaxes and shouts "I'm a filthy bastard!!"

"Whilst you're having one of many frivolous affairs," said EA games designer Paul Jackson, "there will be three meters, your enjoyment which must be kept high at all costs, her enjoyment which simply gets you bonus multipliers for keeping high and a conscience meter which must be kept low.

"Though that's pretty easy, if I'm honest," he added.

If you manage to last a long time whilst keeping a high amount of "Tiger pleasure" then you will get a "Tiger Toss Pot Bonus" and his eyes will turn red and his skin will transform to that of a tiger and basically he'll go mental on her.

Further mini-games are said to include using the American legal system and persuading the women so that the story does not get leaked. "It will be a fantastically realistic simulation of what life as the number one golfer in the world is like," said Jackson, "something I am sure fans of the series will appreciate."

Ten Year Old Girl Writes Letter to Gordon Brown

Ten year old Amy Whitterby has written a letter to the prime minister Gordon Brown asking "why did you do it?" and that she is scared "because when Mummy is gone I wont get so much money now."

The young child's letter was brought to light by certain activist groups who have scanned it and printed it on an industrial scale so that they can send a copy to every member of parliament.

A spokeswoman for Activists 'R' Us said, "Amy's letter highlights the brutality that MPs decisions have on the public in general and also young children. It warns them that they are not simply taking things but ruining lives."

The letter continues to read "I am scared to walk beyond the third lamp post in my street in case the electrisitty dies becose you have got eiver no energys or becose you have no money."

"Wot are you going to do about it? If things continue lkie this I will end up broke, in a post-apocalyptic world corsed by global warmings with 4 fucking mouths to feed. Sort it out!"

Her mother says that this matter should not be taken lightly, her daughter is genuinely scared, "She does a running jump into bed because she thinks Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg are all under her bed and are going to get her 'to give to the bankers.'"

Since the letter being sent to the prime minister he has issued a statement saying that he has "read the letter and will take the appropriate action required in order for Amy to able to sleep again without nightmares." He also insists that he does not lie in wait under little girls' beds with the opposition, but admits to "doing it once with Alistair Darling.

"The 'brows add an extra element of terror," he added, "and before you suggest it I did not overrule him as to when we should jump out on the youngster. We discussed it and both came to a mutual decision, and we acted upon it, and he was truly terrified."

Millions Cringe as FIFA SG tries to Shag Hollywood Actress

Millions of people all around the world tuned in to what they thought was going to be the draw for the 2010 FIFA World Cup, which will be held in South Africa later next year. Instead they were presented with the most cringe worthy spectacle of a rich, middle-aged twat trying to chat up Hollywood stunner Charlize Theron.

Miss. Theron introduced FIFA secretary general Jérôme Valcke, to the stage who appeared with the leering eyes of a rapist. He then swiftly made his way to centre stage and gave her two lingering kisses that were more moist than a square meter of the Amazon rainforest. "Two," he said smiling and licking his dirty chops. Turning to the audience he smiled and shrugged as if to say "What? I am French," to which half the viewing public shouted at their TVs "Yeah, we fucking guessed!"

Valcke's IP address was
reportedly linked to this photo.

Yet, embarrassing himself once was not enough. In the style of a young Liverpudlian trying to get laid in a bar, he began slipping out football facts and testing Theron on said subject matter. To his befuddlement she was not amazed but simply embarrassed and disturbed.

"I do not understand why she did not succumb to my natural French charm," he said after the ceremony, "Does having lots of money, licking one's ear and having the face of a paedophile not attract women any more?"

The BBC and indeed FIFA itself received a flood of complaints during the show's airing. Jake Lyndhall from Kent said, "It was bloody disgusting! I felt more revolted watching this year's draw than when I watched Deliverance, Scum and The Accused all in one night."

Whilst Will Jackson from Yorkshire said, "If you pause it on Sky+ right after the third time you've puked then you can see him give her arse a little pinch. Honestly, go and have a look!"

Meanwhile, hospitals across the world have received a surge of patients whose teeth have cracked and eyelids turned inside out from cringing too much. One victim recounted, "I couldn't help it. It was just so embarrassing to watch this huge French tosser be so stereotypically cheesy. I was this close to gouging my eyes out when Charlize said, 'My, you are just a fact machine aren't you?' and looked at the audience as if to say 'Is this guy fucking kidding?'"

He added: "I bet he's gone home and knocked one out to that J'adore perfume advert. You perverted French bastard!"

Miss. Theron's agent said that she was not available for comment however she assured everyone that she has taken the appropriate action of "a hot shower every fifteen minutes to wash away the grease until she can be inspected by medical professionals for any eggs he may have laid inside her."

British Yauchtsman found to be Middle-Class

In a shock development today British sailors, that had been arrested in Iran after sailing out of international waters, were found to be middle-class.

On discovery of this news the BBC and other news agencies immediately dispatched dozens of reporters to the leafier parts of the country to interview the yachtsmen’s parents outside their large, but not vulgar, detached, suburban homes. Others were interviewed outside Marks and Spencers, Waitrose and one just as they were getting out of their Volvo, clutching a copy of The Daily Telegraph, and The Mail for his “good lady wife”.

"We'll get a royal welcome in Gavbandi!"

As one father said, “He’s just an ordinary boy, I had no idea he was middle-class. Elizabeth and I were in the Volvo listening to Radio 2, on our way to a garden centre when it came on the news.” He added, “We’re all much happier now that we know he’s middle class, as the Foreign Office, the right wing press and the BBC will kick up much more of a fuss now if he’s killed, or if the picture of him in the paper doesn’t show his floppy blond hair”.

Professor Jeremy Williams, a lecturer of media and communications, says that being middle class in a situation of politically motivated arrest or kidnapping, can be a real boon to those in such situations, “Nobody in Guildford or Epsom wants to read about someone called William, Oliver or Jeremy being killed in some far off country, they’d much rather it was someone called Wayne, Kyle or Liam”. Indeed according to Professor Williams, being middle class is only one way of getting the quality media’s attention, “if you’re an attractive private schoolgirl, the Telegraph will naturally show an interest as many Telegraph readers like to spend several hours studying photographs of such young women…erm, to see how they can help”.

Some readers of the traditional “quality” press have asked why there was so much coverage of these young men, but not as much coverage for two young British women who faced the death penalty for smuggling drugs into Liberia. As one Daily Mail journalist commented, “Who? When did this happen? Drugs you say? Sounds like it was poor people, in which case we’re not interested,”

“Unless they happen to be killing rich people, in which case we most certainly are”.