Catholic Church Admits to Liking Justin Bieber

In a shock revelation, the Catholic church has admitted to enjoying the music of young pop starlet Justin Bieber.

Suspicions that the church had indulged in such contentious actions have been rife for some time. However, further controversy has now arisen due to the Vatican's previous attempts to cover up its fondness of Bieber's music.

The Justin Bieber Fan Club.

Since the announcement, experts have been investigating possible reasons as to why the young Canadian has been so popular within the Catholic church. Paul Jackson, professor of Dirty Perversion Studies at Stratton University, had this to say: "After hours of strenuous research we believe that the reason so many priests enjoy Bieber's work is because of the profuse sexual undertones in his music videos.

"Anything that is aimed at young, impressionable fourteen year old girls by filthy, immoral record labels is likely going to be of great interest to Catholic priests."

Earlier this week, Pope Benedict XVI himself announced that he regularly holds dance sessions with other Vatican priests to Bieber's hit single Baby, in his spare time. Although he admits that they rarely complete the dance routine because oddly "everyone starts watching the television fervently when Ludacris has the child in a headlock from behind."

Jackson and his team conducted an interview of over five hundred priests who all have Justin Bieber on their iPods. He found that 36% voted their favourite song as Baby because of the lyrics 'I'm going down, down, down, down.' But only 2% acknowledged this as a reference to damnation in hell.

64% prefer One Time because of the video. Father Belvichi said, "I particularly like the part where there is a house party full of under age children and Justin and his friends start spraying streams of white liquid over each other from cans at crotch height.

"Mmm...very good!" he added.

Polemicist and anti-theist Christopher Hitchens has already published an article slating that Catholic church for its admiration of Bieber's music. He writes, "As I said in my book God is Not Great, religion poisons everything. And now the music industry is another thing to add to the list.

"The Vatican supported the Nazis' exile after the Second World War, a group who had a shockingly poor regard for equality and human rights. Now, they are supporting Justin Bieber, a gentleman who has a shockingly poor regard for age boundaries and human eardrums.

"However, funding an affluent record label is the first time the Vatican has supported Jews, so I suppose that's a start," he added.

Healthcare Bill Pass Annoys Rich Americans

Thousands of key fat cats in the American pharmaceutical and insurance businesses, today expressed their annoyance with the passing of the healthcare reform bill, because now they won't be able to exploit so many dying people.

"Great news, Obama says you can live!"

The landmark healthcare reform bill was passed yesterday with absolutely no Republican backing. Various rich, heartless CEOs have already started picketing outside the White House and more are expected to join by the end of week.

We spoke to one of the protesters, George Gimbleby, head of Pay Up or Die, Ltd. "It is an absolute disgrace," he said, "that President Obama thinks he can take hold of this country and start making poor people happier and everyone more equal! What the hell does he think he's playing at?

"I will not see this country, the country I love, become a socialist state like Russia...or one of those other ones. This is America, and in America you pay for your privilege to live, otherwise we tell you to fuck off and find a damp corner to die in."

Another protester, David Dapleby, co-owner of GimmeMoney insurance also expressed his disdain at the bill's passing: "This is ridiculous! Do you think life should be for free? No, you should pay me vast sums of money for it! What do you think this is? A civilised country? Well, I will not see Mr. Obama turn it into one.

"I don't care if it's proven that nationalised health services are more efficient! In a country of God we should do what Jesus would do. Do you think he healed the sick for free? No, of course he didn't! He asked to see their insurance documents or a valid credit card first!"

Meanwhile, millions of Republicans across America are also protesting against the newly passed bill because John Boehner told them it was "communism". He elaborated: "You see, the great thing about Republicans is that 98% of them don't think for themselves. You simply mention that magic word 'communism' in relation to anything - and I mean anything - and they will start yelling like the hounds of hell about it.

"It's like poking a rabid pit bull in the balls, it's great!" he added.

Bill Wickman, a registered Republican from Maryland said, "Kill the Bill! Kill it! I don't care if it's passed, just end it! It is communist! And even though there are many wonderful services in our country which are equally as 'communist' such as the police force, the fire department, and road maintenance, this is different...somehow...Bill O'Reilly said so!"

"It is a sad, sad day for America," said Gimbleby, "the day when a person with cancer or a potentially fatal injury can receive treatment and not have the additional stress of wondering how he's going to pay for it.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed wiping his tears away with $100 bills, "if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go home, cry and comfort eat organ doners' hearts. My son will only be a multi-millionaire and not a multi-billionaire!"

David Starkey's New Britain gets Green Light

In a new television series the presenter and historian David Starkey, is turning his attention to how he would like to see Britain run - with whips, torture facilities and "prole curfews".

The 65 year old Cambridge graduate has decided to focus upon the future instead of the past in his new series "because people need to wake up," he said.

Remember kids, "Arbeit Macht Frei!"

"It has been an age since this country, what was the greatest empire in the world, has been managed properly," he ranted. "Can no one see the utter chaos that has ensued since unionisation, benefit allowances and converting the Tower of London into a tourist attraction?"

The new series, which will be aired on Channel 4, will last for six shows, each concentrating on a different sect of society with a lower financial income than Starkey's. He admits that the episodes are quite formulaic; they will all open with a description of the "putrid people in question", then explain how they uniquely "make this country scummy" and finally describe the measures that would be taken in Starkey's Britain "to remove them from the face of God's good, green country."

Due to the success of Starkey's previous television series on the Tudor period, a larger budget has been at his disposal this time around, which he has spent on dramatic envisions of his future. Producer Paul Jackson said, "Most of the things he's asked for such as armoured police outfits, black and Asian people, and tear gas is readily available. So he's pretty easy to work with and gets on well with the guys in charge of props.

"Although, he did ask for a fully sized, functioning guillotine, which caused some problems at first. We asked him where in the script there is a flashback to Tudor Britain and he just looked at us blankly and said, 'There isn't.'"

Starkey has also suggested that the DVD of the series will contain a bonus episode which takes a closer look at "feral children". "It's a bit of a venture for me," he said, "into more David Attenborough territory.

"But it is still fresh. Attenborough doesn't yell derogatory, snobberies at the animals in Life, does he?"

The DVD will be released on 20th April by Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei Media, Ltd.

"Who's Viewing your Profile" Facebook App a Hoax

The popular social networking website Facebook, have announced that the twenty-thousandth application that you saw your friend try out which claims to allow users to see who is looking at their profile, amazingly doesn't do what it says it does.

No, she's not on your sodding profile!

The shock announcement fell on dumbfounded ears yesterday afternoon. Jake Lyndhall commented, "I couldn't believe the news when I heard it. These things are fake?! I thought an application that asked me to join a group first, invite all of my friends and then join a fan page before giving me priveleged access to the link www.hck.ur.comp.com to download it was completely genuine and honest.

"Well I would go and leave every one of those groups, I am so angry, but unfortunately now my computer's only function is to display a gigantic, hardcore pornographic picture with the title 'UV B1N FUCKED!!1 :D'"

Meanwhile, Jessica Pinter said, "I just thought none of them had worked because I'd missed one of my friends out of the invitation process. It after all does say you must invite all of your friends. I thought that was for the feature to work properly, never did I think that was a pitiful attempt to utilise ridiculously naïve people in order to reach as many targets as possible and infect them all with viruses."

Paul Jackson, a spokesman for Facebook said, "Do not underestimate these hoaxers. To many, it may seem like a futile attempt to lure people in because it is so blazingly obvious that it's a hoax. But there are many, many egocentric and narcissistic people out there who are so desperate to know how popular they are that they'll risk their computer's health and looking like a twat to find out."

One young gentleman, aged 14 from Suffolk, admitted to taking such a risk: "I one day plucked up the courage to say 'Hello,' in the chat box to Chelsea in year ten. She said 'ello darlin' back and I thought I might be in with a chance of losing my virginity. So I downloaded one of the profile viewer applications to see if she's as drastically obsessed with me as I am with her. Now I'm grounded because my mum thinks I looked at three hundred animal porn websites in one afternoon.

"I tried telling her it was a hacker who put them there but she said, 'Tell your nana Doris that who was trying to email her cousin in Australia.'"

Jackson also insists that those ridiculously annoying photo generators 'informing' you which top ten friends look at your profile the most are similarly "utter crocks of bullshit".

He issued a further warning directly to Facebook users: "There is no way to see who's on your profile, there never will be and that guy or girl who you've got a crush on doesn't give a shit about you.

"So just don't bother."

Kristen Stewart as Annoying in Real Life

A poll conducted across all 192 UN recognised countries that included absolutely everybody returned the results that 99.99% of people find Kristen Stewart as annoying in real life as she is in her movies.

The young actress has annoyed millions around the world, most famously with her starring role in the Sexually Frustrated Vampire Tossers series. However, due to the films' highly irritating nature many had simply laid this down to her portrayal of a character. It was only until people watched interviews with Stewart that they realised she was actually playing her own irksome self.

More annoying than Jehovah's witnesses.

Jake Lyndhall, the man who conducted the poll commented, "Obviously not everyone had seen Miss. Stewart in real life circumstances but she exposed herself as fundamentally irritating to a vast audience at the 82nd Academy Awards on Sunday night where she presented a homage to the horror - AHEM! - genre."

Psychologist Paul Jackson at the University of Stratton explained why so many find her so infuriating: "Well for a start, she's called 'Kristen'. Although, she set the real foundations by playing a right moany bitch in Sexually Frustrated Vampire Tossers. Then she built upon that with annoying little nuances and characteristics.

"Most notable of these are exhaling sharply, actively trying to look awkward, her incapacity to complete a sentence without clearing her throat in a highly exaggerated manner and the general decorum of constantly looking like she'd rather be rotting in hell than being where she is at the respective moment.

"This last trait especially annoys many when they think about what they have to do to earn the money she does in twelve minutes. Would you look that ridiculously pissed off if you got paid a banker's bailout sum to play pretend ghoolies?"

Barry Strongbeard from Lancashire said, "I were watching the BAFTAs where this little princess picked up best newcomer or something like that. Well, when she got up there I thought she'd shat herself she looked so awkward. It was only until I watched the crappy movies she's in and a few interviews on YouTube afterwards that I realised the boring little shite's always like that!

"I mean, why would you try and become an actress if you have the charisma of fish bowl?" he added.

The poll did not return a unanimous yes vote to the question "Does watching Kristen Stewart make you want to slap her...with a shovel?" because Stewart was one of the asked people herself.

In response she brushed her hair behind each ear five times and looked in either corner of her eye before commenting, "I...I..er...[sharp exhale]....I....I....I didn't know - AHEM! - I...didn't know people found me....that....that - AHEM! - annoying. I'm just....I'm just acting. I....[sharp exhale]....I... don't....I don't find myself annoying...so I...[sharp exhale and extending of lower jaw]...I vote 'no'."

She then winced and added, "AHEM!"

Conservative Political Broadcast to be in 3D

The Conservatives have stated that their party political broadcasts will be available in 3D for subscribers of Murdoch's Son's Rip-off Television, Ltd.

David Cameron, the leader of the Conservative party was the first to announce that his party's broadcast would be in 3D: "We feel it is time for change," he told PressPoke, "the British public are sick and tired of seeing the same boring, mundane two-dimensional party political broadcasts that Gordon Brown and his cronies crack out every four years.

Put on the specs, we dare you!

"That is why the Conservative party, the party of the future, is inviting the public into the future of television with our new 3D self-admiration!"

Naturally, to be able to view the broadcast in 3D one must have the correct facilities; a pair of special 3D glasses, a subscription to a monopolised television service and no gag reflex so as not to wretch when exposed to such a lifelike David Cameron.

When asked to expand on what we can look forward to in the 3D broadcast, Cameron had this to say: "Well I can't give too much away but I've been in talks with my cousin James, who is an expert on 3D and he's been giving me some tips.

"Firstly, he said that 3D only works when things are flying in your face or being pointed at you. So, the broadcast will open with my head - in 3D - flying at you whilst rotating three hundred and sixty degrees saying 'Need!' and then 'For! and then 'Chaaaaange!' - that one's really drawn out and the lens will zoom in on my mouth going 'Chaaaange!' which will give the impression to the 3D viewers that I've swallowed them.

"I'll then go and interview people and ask them about things such as Labour's NHS cuts and the nurse I'm interviewing will point her syringe at the camera, very close up. Then I'll ask an ex-sales administrator who is now a caretaker about job losses, and he will do the same with his broom.

"It will shed light on Conservative's plans for the future whilst making the viewer go 'Oooooo!'"

Rumours are rife that Labour has since heard about the Tories' plans and are making their own three-dimensional political broadcast.

Cameron insists that he is not phased by the news, "People are sick and tired of this country being run as if it's still stuck in the twentieth century," he said in a dismissive manner, "If Labour make a 3D broadcast, it'll be with those shitty red and green paper glasses. The British public deserve better!"

"Close source" Reveals Himself

A man named Barry Warrington who lives near Whitstable, Kent today revealed himself as the "close source" that has been leaking invaluable information to newspapers and glossy magazines since time immemorial.

Mr. Warrington decided to lift his veil of security and disguise after being harassed around the clock by 'Women's Lifestyle' magazines and the tabloid press about Cheryl Cole's split from her husband, the Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole.

Mr. Warrington's house post-Cole split.

He spoke under his real name to PressPoke today, "I have made a long and lucrative career out of providing the media with quotes when they don't have real ones. This occupation has been my life for over thirty years and left me with little time to myself due to how seldom the press have any genuine testimonies or pieces of evidence to base worthless, fear mongering articles upon.

"Most of my day would be taken up by answering calls, mainly from The News of the World, The Sun and Hello! magazine, asking for my opinion or 'inside knowledge' about some political or celebrity related matter. My job was to then reply with something juicy on subjects I actually knew nothing about.

"However, the crunch came when the Coles announced their divorce. I could not take it any more! The phone was ringing off the hook twenty-four hours a day and journalists were pounding down my door like zombies."

Mr. Warrington even tried removing his pseudonym, 'Close Source, A.' from the phone book but that had little effect.

"The final straw came when I walked into my living room to find The Star's Jo Davison careering through my front window. She was lying on the floor amongst shattered glass with notepad in hand before looking up and asking, 'And have you noticed Cheryl putting on any weight or hitting the booze since the announcement?'

"Well that was it. I'd had enough and so have decided to reveal my identity as Barry Warrington. My favourite colour is blue and I enjoy stamp collecting and going fishing with my best friend Trevor.

"I think I'll go back to window cleaning for a living now," he added.