Punching iPad Owners "Fine with Us", say World Leaders

Twenty-nine world leaders across the globe announced yesterday that punching the first dick you see with an iPad is "fine with us".

Go on, you know you want to.

The agreement, which is supported by the United Nations, lowers the assault laws so that inciting fear and actual bodily harm are legally permissible if the victim is an iPad owner. The law amendment is active from today in twenty-nine countries including Britain, the United States and France. According to the US Congress it is designed to "let smug assholes know exactly who they are".

Limitations

Many governing bodies have stressed that the law does have limitations. If the iPad owner is in the privacy of their own home or if they are in public and the iPad cannot be visibly seen or is switched off then assault is "still not an option".

However, the British Secretary of State for Justice Kenneth Clarke said: "the first imbecile you see pull out one of these things on the tube or in a meeting to make notes on or 'put something in the diary', you are legally permitted to smash him right in the face before saying 'That's for being a complete dick, you dick!'"

If this phrase is not uttered after the assault occurs then the victim can rightly press charges, however Clarke said other variations of the phrase would be allowed such as, 'Why would you need to use that now, you dick!', 'You have been tapping on that thing the whole journey and I can see all you are doing is flying around Google Maps, you dick!' and 'For Christ's sake use a fucking pen and paper you fucking pretentious dick head!'

Japan Excused

The twenty-nine countries who have signed up to the agreement include most of the Western world where flashing an iPad around in public generally highlights you as a materialistic moron. Japan is the only country that has refused to agree to the international law, the United Nations released a statement saying that this was assumed and pardoned from the beginning: "It's just what the Japanese do. In their culture having the latest gadget isn't a symbol of wealth or penis extension that indicates idiocy and egomania, it's simply something everyone must have - like food or water.

"Seriously, every five year old kid in Japan will be walking around typing memos and playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure on an iPad by this time next week."

Scientists Create Life with More Intelligence than Creationists

Scientists in California have successfully created the first fully synthetic micro-organism that has more intelligence than creationists and The Daily Mail's key demographic put together.

The scientific breakthrough which involved placing completely artificial DNA into a host cell has created a microbe of very simplistic nature.

Not taking the Alpha course.

Yet many experts claim it to have "more coherent and logical thought patterns than most creationists" despite it not having a brain.

"It's quite astonishing to think what we have managed," said Dr. Paul Jackson who worked on the project, "a single celled organism that is less ignorant, self-important and solipsistic than 98% of Alabama.

"The organism simply wanders around its petridish bumping into other microscopic things and regulating it's osmotic potential. Yet our studies show that this is a much more sensible way to live a life than spending two hours a week in a building talking to a fictitious character who is merely the product of ancient political manipulation.

"But then our microbe isn't shit scared of dying," he added.

Meanwhile, Dr. Craig Venter who led the experiment has expressed his annoyance at how ungrateful humanity is: "I take the first step towards a brighter future for mankind - the end to AIDS, a cure for cancer and the mass production of vital medicine that could be delivered to the third world cheaply - and all people can say to me is that 'I'm playing God'!

"Well thanks a fucking bunch! I won't bother next time!"

"The clincher was when we created a second microbe next to the first," said Jackson, "and it did not start shouting at us that we were playing God or suggest that I Am Legend was about to become true.

"It obviously realised the irony in saying such a thing because this experiment is just another in a series that helps to prove that there was never a God that did create life, that life is merely the assembly of certain chemicals which was easily capable by nature and that the idea of a soul and an afterlife is completely fallacious.

"And that is what convinced us that what we had created was considerably smarter than Ben Stein, Ted Haggard and Bill O'Reilly combined."

Danny Dyer to be PM's Advisor

Film "actor" Danny Dyer is to become the Prime Minister's personal advisor, it was revealed late last night.

The "actor" who has recently been out of a job was hired yesterday by David Cameron in order to give him personal advice on "matters both political and personal".

"Already he has been a fantastic aid," said Cameron, "he understands the way a Tory government works, our system of responsibility and standing up for oneself. He has had a key influence on decisions I have already made and ones I will make in the future."

Questions the PM has asked Dyer:

Q: The next election is scheduled for 2015 and after five years people may realise what a hash of things we've made and want Harriet Harman in by voting Labour, what should I do to prevent this?
A: 'Arriet may not always be the leada of the opposishon, but if she is, you could always try and beat 'er on a matter of policy and win over the people that way, showin' them that you are the best. Or...you could cut her face and no one would want her then.

Q: I have invited Nick Clegg into government because enough people saw through my guise of 'helping the people', if he turns on me and causes problems what should I do?
A: Take Clegg aside and talk to him in a cool and polite manna about your difference of opinion, and why you 'old that difference of opinion. Or simply cut his face and no fucka will listen to 'im then.

Q: If Sam's baby turns out not to be mine, what should I do?
A: Find some ova slapper and knock 'er up da duff to piss the bitch off. Or...cut her tits off and da baby won't want any milk then.

Q: How should I go about tackling football hooliganism after fourteen of the sixteen productions you've ever made have glamorised it so irresponsibly?
A: Go to the next West Ham, Millwall game in a big fuck off 'elicopter and shout fru a megaphone, "Oi, you cunts! Calm the fuck down or I'll cut all ya faces!" If that don't work cut their 'ands off and they won't be able to punch any fucker.

Q: How should I deal with misogynistic articles written in mainstream media whose target audience is young, impressionable teenage boys?
A: Tell the fuckin' editor it was 'is fault for allowing the article to go fru and get published. If he says it was whoever wrote it, and that they are a jumped up little shit who lives off a pathetic hard man persona and will go to extreme lengths just to make those young impressionable boys as well as complete twats, laugh and think he's cool...tell 'im to shut the fuck up and then cut his face.

"He is the ideal man for the job," said Cameron, "and I am very happy with his advice and progress. When we said you were 'Voting for Change' I bet you didn't think we meant permanently to your face!"

In other news, Robert Mugabe has expressed his delight at the British electoral system stating "I love it how you have members of a party in government who only got voted into 9% of the seats.

"You carry on like this and I might start letting you guys into the country again," he added clapping. Mr. Dyer insisted that if he didn't "he'd cut 'is fuckin' face."

"Fuck it" says Clegg

The leader of the Liberal Democrats today said in a press statement, "Y'know what, fuck it and all its worth. What a shitting waste of my fucking, cunting time!"

"Fuck off!"

Angered by the lack of opinion poll merit materialising into votes, Clegg has decided that he can't be arsed with the whole routine if people are just going to agree with him in the run up before voting Tory.

"It's unbelievable!" he said, "The public just led me on and then chucked me away like a used condom. It's like the 27th woman I tried nailing; she was a toughie, played bloody mind games! She teased me, told me how attractive I was and then when I got the lass into bed she said 'she couldn't do this'.

"What a frigid little slapper, eh? Well guess what Britain, you just did the same fucking thing, you whore!

"And you know how that series of events ended? With me getting into bed with her best friend, just like I'm gonna do now!"

David Cameron has also indicated that he would be prepared to form a coalition government with the Liberal Democrats. If both parties do make an official agreement many say it will squander everything the LibDems stand for.

"Well, you made me do it," said Clegg, "I've spent a month believing that I could not get the Liberal Democrats in power but at least make them a respected party in time for the next election - a serious choice in people's minds. And everyone says 'Yes Nick, you can. We agree, we love you Nick, you're the new sodding Susan Boyle!' I worked and worked and worked and then what happens? We don't gain fifty seats. Not twenty or ten, not even one. We lose five fucking seats!!

"FIVE!!" he added.

"Fucking Lembit Opik lost! If Lembit fucking Opik lost then what cocking chance do the Liberal shitting Democrats have?! Fuck it, where's David? I've got a feeling the 31st person I sleep with is not going to be a woman."

Election Day Special: PolCats

Voters across the country have been horrified this evening as polling booth doors close without taking their vote.

Prime Minister has an Opinion

Shock rippled across the country this week as the Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught expressing an opinion.

Deckard's called off Gordon's case.

The event occurred on Wednesday morning. Gordon Brown got into his car after talking to the people of a small Manchurian suburb and a SkyNews microphone inadvertently picked up what is known to mortal members of the public as a "private conversation".

The shock revelation that politicians are anything near human has caused uproar. Barry Strongbeard who was not at the location when it happened and trusts The Sun's recollection of it completely said, "I think it is absolutely disgusting that Gordon Brown, a man in power, is allowed to have a personal opinion about someone and what's more express that opinion when he thought he was in private. It's outrageous!"

Sally Lyndhall from Lancashire commented, "It's just not right is it? It's not right that in the twenty-first century we have a man running the country who is not a robot who never ever makes a sweeping statement out of frustration. If C-3PO was PM this wouldn't have happened.

"He would have just got in the car and bickered with his spin doctor R2-D2, and they'd drive back to Number 10, and there would be a screen wipe transition, and some nice music, and we'd all be happy because we would be getting the complete fantasy world we seem to expect from modern day life.

"That's how politics should be!" she added.

The weight that Brown's personal opinion will have on the public opinion polls is expected to be gargantuan. Similar results are expected in the election this week, due to most people basing their vote on which leader they'd prefer to have a cup of tea with whilst chatting about last week's episode of Come Dine with Me, rather than policies.

Not all have been disgusted by Brown's utterances. Mr. Jackson had been out of the country when the event happened, he said "I came back on Saturday and read the papers. Well, the amount of attention they were all giving Mrs. Duffy, I thought she'd been raped and utilised as a human toilet or something.

"This is all a little silly isn't it? The man expresses an opinion that is no worse to what every Guardian reader bleats out eleven times a week and everyone starts going fucking mental!"

Meanwhile, everyone remains absolutely certain that both David Cameron and Nick Clegg have never said anything remotely similar in private about a member of the public.