4M Die a Little Inside Watching David Cameron

The four million viewers who tuned into the live party leaders' debate on Thursday night all died a little inside as David Cameron turned to the camera and spoke to them directly.

Viewer discretion advised.

The tactic, which was only utilised by Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg in the previous debate on Channel 4, was stolen by Tory party leader David Cameron in a pitiful attempt to receive the same kind of poll boostings. Unfortunately for Cameron the move only made him seem more greasy than he already was, which before now was deemed by experts to be impossible.

Jake Lyndhall watched the debate from his home in south Lincolnshire, he told PressPoke: "I tuned in to Sky News to watch three grown men argue whilst saying quite similar things just like I had seen the previous week. Now, I'd heard all this commotion in the papers about how Clegg had 'spoke to the nation' and how it helped him a lot, but never was I prepared for Cameron's response to the opening question!

"He did his usually smarmy routine of pretending to be the questioner's best fucking mate. Y'know the drill; 'Hi Tom, by the way, I'd like to say that as one of our builders, you are doing a fantastic fucking job mixing cement and helping to literally build a bigger, better Britain', that usual horse shit. But he only did this for the first sentence this time.

"Then I saw it! I saw him turning, and I thought 'Oh please! God, no! He's copying Clegg! Don't! Please!' but he continued to turn. He looked directly into the camera and continued his argument...to me! Me!!

"Well it was at that point that I did actually feel a little part of my soul exhumed through my eye sockets."

Another viewer, Tracey Sulemberg said, "It was like starring into the the eyes of Medusa. Except instead of turning you to stone he just made you want to vomit on the spot and claw your eyeballs out of your head.

"For once Gordon Brown actually came across rather well because he was the only one not looking at me like some bloody deranged pervert!" she added.

Why Clegg seems to be able to pull of this 'direct speech' routine whilst Cameron cannot remains to be fully explained. However Professor Paul Jackson, head of politics at the University of Stratton has one theory: "This difference is simply down to the fact that Clegg does not resemble a slimy used condom that someone's drawn a face onto.

"If you want to convince four million people that you are going to create a 'fairer Britain' when one of your policies is introducing tax breaks for the extremely rich, then it doesn't matter if you are talking to them, the floor or their fucking ball sacks - they ain't gonna buy it!"

Carol Ann Duffy Writes More Shit

The Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy, has contributed to the efforts to help those stranded abroad by writing a lot of pointless shit.

Witness the genius.

The female poet said that she decided to write a poem about the volcano ash to give hope to those who are currently unable to get home.

We asked those stuck in various places all over Europe what they thought of Duffy's words. "If by 'helping us'", said Jake Lyndhall currently in Sunny Beach, Bulgaria, "she means making us more bored and depressed than we already were, then yeah, I suppose she has helped us.

"Other than that she's basically described something rather simplistic in a needlessly complicated manner."

Rachel Wiseman from Leeds, now in Athens said, "If any other person wrote a poem about a fucking ash cloud someone would tell them to go and get a CAT scan at their local hospital. But no, because it's Carol Ann-Up-Her-Own-Duffy then everyone thinks it's a sodding masterpiece and gives it repeat airtime on Radio 5."

Professor Paul Jackson from Stratton University has analysed the poem extensively since its release and commented, "This country is famous for its tradition and history of great literature. I read Silver Lining by Carol Ann Duffy and immediately heard the distant rumbling of Shakespeare, Milton and Orwell all doing fifteen thousand RPM in the respective graves.

"In a hundred years time Literature students worldwide will look at our the works across time and see the Renaissance had Hamlet and Paradise Lost, the Enlightenment had Frankenstein and Dracula and the 21st century had...a poem about people stuck in Zante.

"Thank you Carol Ann shitting Duffy!"

Meanwhile, millions of Britons are having a bloody great time legitimately sciving off work and sunning themselves by a pool for free.

Conservatives are Cancerous, say Experts

The Labour party has funded a study which has discovered that Conservatives are actually cancerous.

The Thames in two years time.

The study, which was conducted across fifty cities in the UK, provided evidence that contracting a form of cancer is five times more likely if you are a Tory. Furthermore, a person is three times more likely to get cancer from socialising with Conservatives, nine times as likely for using the words 'vote', 'for' or 'change' and if you vote blue in the upcoming election you are almost certainly going to die within the next four years.

The results have been published alongside a Labour election pamphlet which is entitled "Vote or Die, Bitch: A Blackmail Slip for all Breast Cancer Sufferers".

Professor Paul Jackson, lead researcher behind the study said, "We ran tests on numerous different Conservatives including David Cameron and George Osborne. The results show that all of them are more cancerous than any of the nine million foodstuffs the Daily Mail has attributed cancer to before.

"Moreover, William Hague is obviously on rigorous chemotherapy and simply with a Geiger counter we discovered that their seats in the House of Commons are highly radioactive.

"In fact, we believe that Margaret Thatcher has a bloodstream consisting of 68% depleted uranium and that she is actually dead.

"Which actually isn't that much of a revelation," he added.

Gordon Brown issued the statement earlier this morning, "We are not desperate for votes, so I am not forcing or frightening anyone to vote for Labour in a highly morally repugnant manner. All I am saying is, if you like living and chemo isn't your thing, you better vote for me...I mean us!"

Daily Mail Readers Go Mental due to Kick-Ass

Thousands of Daily Mail readers across the country have gone absolutely bat-shit insane because a good movie was a lot of fun.

Paedo inducing, apparently.

The movie, Kick-Ass, has been applauded by critics and people with a sense of humour, all around the world. However, the Daily Mail continues to spout its self-righteous, censorship admiring, big brother donkey shite by trashing Matthew Vaughn's new action comedy.

Daily Mail subscriber Barry Strongbeard said, "This movie is absolutely disgusting! It has a little girl in it who swears and kills people. Children will see that and their fragile little minds will be completely affected.

"You see, what you have to understand is that children and young teenagers are stupid, they think fictitious movies are real. They actually think it is happening! They will think Kick-Ass is what they should be like and it will turn them all into little Jon Venables.

"Jon! Venables! Can you imagine every child being like him?! We'd have to execute an entire generation!"

Another reader of the tabloid paper Mary Moanypants commented, "I haven't seen the movie but I just know that it should be banned. I know what is best for other people and that is for them not to see such a horrifically violent movie that claims to be 'a comedy'. Violence is never fun!

"Unless it's inflicted upon Jon Venables," she added.

"Also, she used the word 'cunt' in the movie. The word cunt should be banned as well because cunt is an utterly vulgar word, no one should ever use the word cunt...unless it's to Jon Venables. The cunt!"

The younger demographic are not the only ones infuriated either. Victor Granger, aged 78 from Grimsby said, "Well Daily Mail critic Christopher Tookey, said about the little girl in the motion picture, he said that, 'paedophiles are going to adore her'.

"He said that the film is 'exploitative' towards young women because the little girl is dressed in a school uniform at one point. I said to myself, 'I agree, that's disgusting,' and then turned to page three and got some wrist action in."

Meanwhile, Dave Warrington from Somerset has set up the protest group SOS (Save Our Sexuality). He feels strongly that Kick-Ass should be banned "because I have a superhero fetish and think it is absolutely repulsive that I might find myself attracted to a 14 year old girl."

Professor Paul Jackson, head of media studies at the University of Stratton had this to say: "The people who read the Mail think that when they step outside their front door there is a 94% chance that they'll get stabbed, raped, or turned into a paedophile.

"So when someone makes a film that is violent and funny it satirises their deepest fears and they...well they get very, very angry and upset.

"Plus, they are also just fucking stupid," he added.