Wednesday 28 July 2010

Sarah Palin talks "Utter Nonsense", say Experts

Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska, has been exposed by top political scientists for "making about as much sense as a cellophane Maxi pad."


"Counting's easy!"
The controversial statement has been made at a time when Palin is strongly rumoured to be the Republican Presidential candidate for 2012. Professor Paul Jackson says the move was intentional: "I find it very worrying that there is even the remotest possibility that our next president could be a person whose idea of a foreign policy is being intimate with the rules of ice hockey."

Yet, the thought of a Palin presidency does not only worry experts. Matt Doman, a father of three from New Jersey said, "Does this woman think dinosaurs were here four thousand years ago? Seriously, someone ask her. This is very important, because she's gonna have access to the nuclear codes!"

"The problem with Palin," Jackson commented, "is that not even she knows what the hell she is talking about."

Palin is expected to release a book later this summer containing all the buzzwords she spews out when she doesn't know what the green and blue fuck is going on...which is 98.5% of her waking life. Words include "policy", "foreign", "weapons of mass destruction" and for a limited time only comes with The Mini Dictionary of Sarah Palin's Coined Words - now you too can increase religious hatred between two races by "refudiating" the building of a Mosque on ground zero!

"You ask her a question and she'll start firing out these random political phrases regardless of whether or not they are at all relevant," explained Professor Jackson.

"Oh, that and also she's thicker than a the walls of a nuclear submarine," he added.


Thursday 15 July 2010

Babies Sue Johnson's Shampoo

Babies across the world have united to file a class action lawsuit against the shampoo producer Johnson's.

"This is bullshit!"
The infants' reason for suing the cosmetic giant is "for false advertising" and "making us cry a lot more than we expected."

One of the leaders of the campaign, Jake Lyndhall aged 2, commented: "Not only have they advertised on television, billboards and other mainstream media that their products produce 'No More Tears' but they have plastered it on the front of every bottle of the wretched stuff since day one.

"So what were we to expect? When my Mummy lathered the stuff into my hair I was fine at first, thinking this isn't like the others, it says 'No More Tears' on the bottle, I can see that.

"Then out of of nowhere a small drop of water infused with Johnson's falsely advertised magma dripped straight into the corner of my left eye. I thought that dinosaur from the first Jurassic Park had just spat that black goo in my face like it did to the fat man.

"Did I cry? Cry?! I let my Mum fucking have it! It was like having the ninth circle of hell in my eye!" he added.

Johnson's have admitted to creating a product "which only works for a certain proportion of the baby public". A spokesman said, "We meant the slogan to be a light-hearted catchphrase and we apologise if it doesn't ring true for all of our consumer base.

"However, to be honest they are a touchy bunch of brats to take it seriously. I mean saying that you've invented a shampoo that doesn't sting when it goes in your eyes is like saying you've invented chips that taste good and only contain five calories, or a bra that isn't an absolute ball ache for men to take off.

"These things just don't happen, the kids are in fairy tale land!"

"He's got some bloody cheek," responded baby Jake on reading the statement on his Fisher Price laptop, "I should be in fairy tale land but I can hardly delve into the escapism of Peter Pan as read by my Mummy when I've got three tonnes of Johnson's Agent fucking Orange in my sockets still causing me grief!

"It was even one of those books where you get cues to press the buttons and Tinkerbell tinkles and Hook says something really nasty - but even mashing them into oblivion until it drives my parents insane couldn't take my mind off the utter suffering emblazoned upon my vision by Mr. Johnson!

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" he added.


Friday 9 July 2010

Northern Nutters - The Game!



Monday 5 July 2010

The New ROYAL CREDIT CARD!