Police Fail to find Referee's Killer

Police have failed to find the killer of football referee Jorge Larrionda who oversaw England's disastrous game against Germany on Sunday.

Not a single witness.

Larrionda was murdered in the middle of the day on Longmarket street, one of the busiest areas of Cape Town. The body was transported all the way to the football stadium in Bloemfontein where it was stripped naked, hung with a noose from the north facing crossbar and had the words "NOW DO YOU SEE THE FUCKING LINE?" carved into its belly.

Despite forensic evidence suggesting the entire event occurred between 11:06 and 16:16 South African time, no witnesses have testified to seeing the murder.

Police questioned a man from Clacton-on-Sea called Barry Strongbeard who has been identified on CCTV as having witnessed the murder. Despite the video technology confirming Larrionda suffered twenty-nine stab wounds, a scalping with a Katana sword and three gunshots to the kneecaps Mr. Strongbeard insists "From where I was, which was about thirty yards away, it didn't look like a murder.

"He might have had a go, given him a slap or two, but that's all."

The police have since given up on the investigation only twelve hours after starting it, saying in a press statement: "Who killed him wouldn't make a difference anyway, he was rubbish at self-defence so he had it coming to him."

The body was found yesterday morning by England defender John Terry when he finally made it back to the penalty area. He admits to calling the police only once he had telephoned his Dad to make sure it wasn't "one of his.

"He said 'No son, but whilst yer there ask 'im a few questions about haa to defend a fucking goalmouf an' ya might learn a fing or two ya pillock!' and then hung up."

Bongo the Silverback to Replace Rooney

A Silverback gorilla named Bongo has been drafted by Fabio Capello to replace Wayne Rooney, it emerged last night.

After "careful review" from the England management, the 700 lbs beast whose favourite food is his own faeces will play on Wednesday night against Slovenia instead of the Manchester United striker.

"I'm England 'til I die!!"

A spokesman for the England team said in a press statement last night: "We have studied Wayne Rooney's performance so far in the World Cup and we feel that a vital element to England's chances of qualifying to round two is for us to have a player up front who doesn't have a first touch that is closely associated with Peter Sutcliffe or Jack the Ripper.

"So we've drafted in Bongo who has already begun training."

Bongo is said to be bonding well with his new team mates and has developed an especially close relationship with defender John Terry. Joe Cole commented: "He's getting along with the lads, although we do have to keep reminding him of the rules. 99% of the time he's fine but on a couple of occasions in training we've passed him the ball to him and he's just stopped dead and started ripping it to shreds before lobbing his cack at Steven Gerrard and climbing Peter Crouch.

"I think he thinks Peter's a tree," he added.

"He gets angry like that," said a near by Frank Lampard, "but once he releases his sexual frustration he's fine so we just send him out with John for a night and the next day he's magic."

Much speculation has arisen as to what Rooney's removal from the team will do to both team and spectator morale. However, the team insist that the move is the correct one - "There's a lot of bonuses of having a gorilla as a centre-forward," said Lampard, "most notably, with the aid of an opposable digit Bongo can grab the ball with his feet and literally fuzz it into the net.

"And if that don't work he just goes over and rips the keeper's arms and face off."

"To be honest," said a FIFA official, "I don't think many will even notice that Capello's made the swap."

"Green", "Heskey", "ITV" and "Shit" see Usage Increase

In a recent study it was found that since 7:30PM last night the words "Green", "Heskey", "ITV" and "a stinking pile of useless shite" have seen a usage increase among the British public of 900%.

The opening goal.

The study taken from recorded telephone conversations and CCTV microphones also took into account the emotional quality of each utterance of the keywords. It found that whilst over 55% of them were said in annoyance, a significant 45% were said with colossal amounts of glee and satisfaction in Scottish and Welsh accents.

Professor Paul Jackson who headed the study said: "It's a classic case of English pessimism meeting Scottish and Welsh racism - all rather normal behaviour except that this weekend it's increased almost ten fold.

"We have seen a peak of the keywords' mention and expect a fall to now commence throughout the week. However, we predict a huge increase will conclude on Friday between 7:30 and 9:30PM.

"If it continues on this scale we could see words like 'Heskey', 'useless' and 'tosser' overtake words like 'the',  'a' and 'omg'."

ITV's mention coincides with what has been described as "the biggest TV fuck up since Heil Honey I'm Home!" - the loss of broadcast on ITV's new "brighter" HD channel when Steven Gerrard scored the first, four minute goal.

Football fan Billy Norman commented, "I could not believe it. When you thought ITV could not get any shitter, they go and put a fucking advert when England's first 2010 World Cup goal is scored.

"Seriously, can you make a bigger mistake? Is it possible to have a TV network any worse than ITV? I'd rather see BabeStation win the rights for the next World Cup."

According to Jackson, comments like these continued in pubs and bars across England after the game had finished and all the way through James Corden's post-match show Look How Many Famous Gits I Hang out With in which "fat" also saw a frequency spike.