American Psychological Invasion Exposed

MI5 has discovered plans drafted by the United States government to invade Great Britain through subtle, psychological food-based warfare, it was revealed last night.

The American plans, dubbed "Operation Ronald", was to invade Britain with brainwashing tactics. This largely involved buying out large food distributors and feeding the British population American "food" until they are all so lazy, fat and republican that they think the best thing for the country is American leadership.

A military spokesman said, "We had wind of these plans for a while because we got this autistic kid to hack into their computers - actually, wonder what he's doing now. Anyway! Yeah, so we knew about it but we were waiting to see if it materialised. Well as you know, last night the American company Kraft, which is as much a sewerage facility as it is a food distributor, just bought out our national treasure Cadbury. The evidence is clear."

10 Downing Street offered the advice of "not buying Cadbury's chocolate from now on and certainly not eating it. We must hold strong against the Americans who have betrayed our trust, do not let them now betray your taste."

Meanwhile, Kraft have offered a statement insisting that they are not part of Operation Ronald: "We simply have an interest in bringing our wonderful chocolate blend to the mouths of Britain. Yes, admittedly there will be recipe changes, for example Cadbury's 1-part cocoa beans, 2-part sugar, 2-part milk will be replaced by our divine 1-part fabric conditioner, 2-part sawdust, 3-part potassium nitrate blend.

"This creates the delightful aroma of an operating ward whilst providing the top class texture and taste of a white, sun baked dog turd that small children use as chalk in the summer."

There are also plans to reform Cadbury's famous logo with two industrial sized vats of lard, stamped with the American flag, pouring their hideous contents into a cesspool.

"Just eat it," said the Kraft spokeman, "and you'll see what is affecting 93% of Americans' brains to make them think Mumbai is a type of cat food."

Obama Imprisoned in China

The US President Barack Obama has been imprisoned in China for making antigovernment speeches, it was revealed today.

Barack Obama's tour of east Asia was brought to a abrupt halt when he suggested the radical idea that even Chinese people deserve to say whatever they bloody well please. After his speech he was arrested for treason by two armed policeman and whisked off to the nearest prison where he is sharing a cell with a psychopathic Triad gang member named Yung-Din.

"When are visiting hours?"

In a press statement the Chinese government said that as a strictly authoritarian country this is the usual response for suggesting that they may be - just may be - slightly corrupt and immoral. They also noted that President Obama's comments concerning internet censorship contributed to the reasons for his arrest. A spokesman for the government simply said, "We no need your American boobie!"

President Obama claims that he was not insinuating anything about pornography but believes the Chinese public deserve an internet service that does not merely consist of three pages on Google describing how attractive Hu Jintao is and 1.5 billion World of Warcraft servers.

However, much of the public stand by the government. Song Ying said, "China is the best country in the world! What Mr. Obama does not realise is that our society is based on a reward system like his. For example, I work twenty-two hours a day in an asbestos factory and in return the government allows me to raise a child in a 6x5 foot shack next to a nuclear power station.

"And all that for free!" she added.