"Close source" Reveals Himself

A man named Barry Warrington who lives near Whitstable, Kent today revealed himself as the "close source" that has been leaking invaluable information to newspapers and glossy magazines since time immemorial.

Mr. Warrington decided to lift his veil of security and disguise after being harassed around the clock by 'Women's Lifestyle' magazines and the tabloid press about Cheryl Cole's split from her husband, the Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole.

Mr. Warrington's house post-Cole split.

He spoke under his real name to PressPoke today, "I have made a long and lucrative career out of providing the media with quotes when they don't have real ones. This occupation has been my life for over thirty years and left me with little time to myself due to how seldom the press have any genuine testimonies or pieces of evidence to base worthless, fear mongering articles upon.

"Most of my day would be taken up by answering calls, mainly from The News of the World, The Sun and Hello! magazine, asking for my opinion or 'inside knowledge' about some political or celebrity related matter. My job was to then reply with something juicy on subjects I actually knew nothing about.

"However, the crunch came when the Coles announced their divorce. I could not take it any more! The phone was ringing off the hook twenty-four hours a day and journalists were pounding down my door like zombies."

Mr. Warrington even tried removing his pseudonym, 'Close Source, A.' from the phone book but that had little effect.

"The final straw came when I walked into my living room to find The Star's Jo Davison careering through my front window. She was lying on the floor amongst shattered glass with notepad in hand before looking up and asking, 'And have you noticed Cheryl putting on any weight or hitting the booze since the announcement?'

"Well that was it. I'd had enough and so have decided to reveal my identity as Barry Warrington. My favourite colour is blue and I enjoy stamp collecting and going fishing with my best friend Trevor.

"I think I'll go back to window cleaning for a living now," he added.

Cheryl Cole "Too Hot for Consumption", say Health Ministers

Health Ministers have issued a public warning against the consumption of pop star and X-factor judge, Cheryl Cole, it was revealed today.

Amongst the reasons given for this action were that Cole is "too spicy", "saliva inducing to the point of osmotic shock" and as Health Minister Phil Hope put it, "just too bloody saucy!"

"This much

Cole may come with a package warning.

spiciness consumed at once," another Minister said, "is causing more public harm than good. Apart from leading to serious heartburn and very bad sore throats she has had a drastic negative impact on the economic infrastructure of Britain because half the nation are male and are jerking the sausage wrapping like chimps twenty-three hours a day - no work is getting done!"

One man, Jake Lyndhall from Essex said, "I used to be the CEO of a major limited company, until one day I walked into HMV and saw the new Girls Aloud album cover. I've spent so much time masturbating over that and Cheryl Cole's unofficial calender that I've lost my job and family. The kids don't even call me dad any more, they ask mummy when they 'will see the goo goo man again.'"

The board of Health commented: "The only thing we can hope for is that people are put off of her because her music is so bad. We have begun tests where we play five Cole-infatuates her new single over and over at one hundred and five decibels. Fortunately, just like at Wako, it seems to be working!"

Cheryl Cole herself said, "Well, I just see me glorious beauty as a side project to me music - which I write completely on me own y'understand!

"Apart from me amazing collaborations. Speaking of which, I was thinking of teaming up with Chris Brown for a record but then all that stuff happened with Rihanna. I'm too scared now. Aye! Ye'll transform us! Into a bloody mess on the kitchen floor, man!"

She added: "Plus he's black and ye know how well I get on with them'uns!"