Music gets you Muntered, reveals Daily Mail

British tabloid paper The Daily Mail, has revealed the shocking news that listening to some music on YouTube can get you absolutely spanked off your tits.

Only 79p on iTunes!

The report is being taken seriously by the appropriate authorities, the police have said that they are now "fully committed to clamping down on what has been dubbed 'i-Dosing'."

However, some Daily Mail readers are not satisfied with such responses. Lindsay Gloin who lives in a tiny apartment that she never leaves for fear of being stabbed and/or raped, said, "They get access to these i-Doses on YouTube, and the police have admitted that you can't ban videos on there just because they have a tempo of 5900 beats per minute and were made by a German.

"So if we can't ban i-Doses how the hell are we going to get round to banning all the other things like premarital sex, fun and Asian people?"

Unlike the Daily Mail we found an "i-Doser" to talk to about his traumatic experiences with the digital drug. "I started not by using but by dealing. I'd knock up thirty hardcore trance tunes a day on my iMac and deal them out on CDs in Camden. If people came to my house I could give them sixty tracks on a flash drive as a package deal.

"One day the temptation got too much and I plugged-in to sample my own shit. After that I was hooked - it's like any drug, you know it's bad but you can't help going back. Of course I knew that the sound of 60 layered bass synths transposed over the top off a dude repeating 'Himmelsreise in meinem Kopf' was utter shit, it sounded like a robot being raped, but I couldn't help it and would return to those ear buds time and time again.

"Eventually I was found on top of some high rise flats in Hackney flapping my arms screaming that I was going to fly to Alpha Centuari 'im meine Rocketship!'"

Local police officer Paul Jackson said, "It's cases like this young man's that show the danger of i-Dosing and we must thank all those, and especially The Daily Mail, who have brought such a genuine threat to our attention.

"Thank you The Daily Mail for not being infested with the shitty kind of diatribe that the other papers are simply to make gargantuan amounts of money off of petrified, mentally challenged xenophobes.

"We salute you!"

British Yauchtsman found to be Middle-Class

In a shock development today British sailors, that had been arrested in Iran after sailing out of international waters, were found to be middle-class.

On discovery of this news the BBC and other news agencies immediately dispatched dozens of reporters to the leafier parts of the country to interview the yachtsmen’s parents outside their large, but not vulgar, detached, suburban homes. Others were interviewed outside Marks and Spencers, Waitrose and one just as they were getting out of their Volvo, clutching a copy of The Daily Telegraph, and The Mail for his “good lady wife”.

"We'll get a royal welcome in Gavbandi!"

As one father said, “He’s just an ordinary boy, I had no idea he was middle-class. Elizabeth and I were in the Volvo listening to Radio 2, on our way to a garden centre when it came on the news.” He added, “We’re all much happier now that we know he’s middle class, as the Foreign Office, the right wing press and the BBC will kick up much more of a fuss now if he’s killed, or if the picture of him in the paper doesn’t show his floppy blond hair”.

Professor Jeremy Williams, a lecturer of media and communications, says that being middle class in a situation of politically motivated arrest or kidnapping, can be a real boon to those in such situations, “Nobody in Guildford or Epsom wants to read about someone called William, Oliver or Jeremy being killed in some far off country, they’d much rather it was someone called Wayne, Kyle or Liam”. Indeed according to Professor Williams, being middle class is only one way of getting the quality media’s attention, “if you’re an attractive private schoolgirl, the Telegraph will naturally show an interest as many Telegraph readers like to spend several hours studying photographs of such young women…erm, to see how they can help”.

Some readers of the traditional “quality” press have asked why there was so much coverage of these young men, but not as much coverage for two young British women who faced the death penalty for smuggling drugs into Liberia. As one Daily Mail journalist commented, “Who? When did this happen? Drugs you say? Sounds like it was poor people, in which case we’re not interested,”

“Unless they happen to be killing rich people, in which case we most certainly are”.

Further Resignations lead to Drugs Council Termination

Three more government advisors have quit the Advisory Council in protest to the sacking of Professor Nutt, which leaves the department completely and utterly empty.

The only person available to comment was the cleaner who said, "Them ones were the last of 'em."

However, home secretary Alan Johnson, who was responsible for the sacking of Professor Nutt, commented: "In hindsight, I still don't regret my decision. We never listened to the sodding science in the first place and now we've thrown it completely out the window."

When asked what the new methods of drug legislation will now be, Johnson said, "Firstly, we have decided to change the ABC categorisation method to something more intuitive so young people know what they are getting into. Now, instead of a mere letter, the drug category is self-explanatory as to the effects that its constitutes will have.

"So in ascending order it is 'Cotton Mouth and Tingling', 'Slightly Buzzing', 'Getting Mental' and then 'Debt and a Dead Baby'. Finally there is now a super category simply known as 'The Winehouse-Doherty Factor' but that's only for crazy arsed cocktails where you come round having fucked Anne Widdecomb, eaten two of your fingers and set half of Coventry on fire."

When pushed to comment on how drugs were put into these categories Johnson said, "Me and Jacqui sat down with every illegal narcotic known to man and then just got absolutely muntered! Then we rang up Chris [Grayling] and told him to 'get his arse over here!'

"We were meant to be holding a debate over immigration control!" he chuckled, "but once we started on the ganj Chris, Jacqui, myself and the pink unicorn realised that arguing was a pointless exercise.

"And it was all done completely unscientifically; we just banned the stuff we didn't like. So now if you are caught with Robsinson's barely water you can receive five years in prison and a £900,000 fine.

"I just don't like the after taste," he added, screwing up his face.