Punching iPad Owners "Fine with Us", say World Leaders

Twenty-nine world leaders across the globe announced yesterday that punching the first dick you see with an iPad is "fine with us".

Go on, you know you want to.

The agreement, which is supported by the United Nations, lowers the assault laws so that inciting fear and actual bodily harm are legally permissible if the victim is an iPad owner. The law amendment is active from today in twenty-nine countries including Britain, the United States and France. According to the US Congress it is designed to "let smug assholes know exactly who they are".

Limitations

Many governing bodies have stressed that the law does have limitations. If the iPad owner is in the privacy of their own home or if they are in public and the iPad cannot be visibly seen or is switched off then assault is "still not an option".

However, the British Secretary of State for Justice Kenneth Clarke said: "the first imbecile you see pull out one of these things on the tube or in a meeting to make notes on or 'put something in the diary', you are legally permitted to smash him right in the face before saying 'That's for being a complete dick, you dick!'"

If this phrase is not uttered after the assault occurs then the victim can rightly press charges, however Clarke said other variations of the phrase would be allowed such as, 'Why would you need to use that now, you dick!', 'You have been tapping on that thing the whole journey and I can see all you are doing is flying around Google Maps, you dick!' and 'For Christ's sake use a fucking pen and paper you fucking pretentious dick head!'

Japan Excused

The twenty-nine countries who have signed up to the agreement include most of the Western world where flashing an iPad around in public generally highlights you as a materialistic moron. Japan is the only country that has refused to agree to the international law, the United Nations released a statement saying that this was assumed and pardoned from the beginning: "It's just what the Japanese do. In their culture having the latest gadget isn't a symbol of wealth or penis extension that indicates idiocy and egomania, it's simply something everyone must have - like food or water.

"Seriously, every five year old kid in Japan will be walking around typing memos and playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure on an iPad by this time next week."

Video Game causes Psychopath Epidemic

Millions of teenagers all over the Western world have begun manic killing sprees because they saw it in a video game.

Modern Warfare 2 which was released worldwide yesterday contains a level where the player massacres hundreds of innocent civilians in an airport. On completion, 98.3% of males aged

"Get me my rifle, Ma!"

between eight and nineteen went out and recreated what they saw with their dads' modified air rifle.

Timmy, aged fourteen from Worcester said, "I was getting A's at school, had a paper round and did bell ringing for my local Church. My brother then told me to play this new video game. I have now killed over three hundred men and women, eleven grannies and two babies."

He added: "I think it's because I don't know the difference between real life and computer generated pixels on a TV screen."

An opinion supported by experts - Professor Jackson, head of the Department of Social Studies and Gross Exaggerations from the University of Stratton said, "This was the obvious outcome from producing such a violent video game. It happened in the '80s when PacMan players refused to move anywhere without eating everything and anything in their path. That resulted in the American obesity problems that remains today. Now it's happened again but with much worse consequences."

"That video games influence real life behaviour is simply a hard fact, there's nothing more to it," said Mrs. Craghall, the mother of America's Most Wanted as of this morning. "It's not like books or films or other mediums. No, these kids think these games are actually happening. My son will not go anywhere unless he is constantly holding an M4A1 rifle right in front of his nose.

"He keeps shouting at me to check my corners and lobs a flashbang into the kitchen every morning before sitting down and eating his breakfast," she added.

The home office issued a statement which contained: "Demonising these computer game designers is completely justified. They need to think about the serious consequences their immensely entertaining products will have upon children who would otherwise be perfectly sane, unspoilt and angelic."

Meanwhile in Japan, the most popular video game KuzyaGoGo 5 has caused the whole nation to ride a smiling pig before farting yellow fairy dust and flying to the top of very high skyscrapers to molest a questionable girl in a revealing school uniform.