Mental Fascist Invades Britain

A mentally ill fascist bigot known as "Pope Benedict XVI" has invaded British shores and has been welcomed by three people who can't think for themselves and a border collie called Sally.

Lunatic.

The insane subject, who dresses completely in white, plans to tour around Britain in a giant vending machine on wheels, talking to his imaginary friend with anyone loony enough to join in with him. He will then tell us that we all need to talk to his imaginary friend, and if we don't, his imaginary friend will send us to another dimension made of fire for eternity.

On hearing this declaration Jake Lyndhall, a social worker from Croydon said: "Hmmm...sounds like the ravings of a proper maniac to me. Has he been on the crack?"

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Crazy Nutter Studies at the University of Stratton confirmed that Ratzinger is indeed mentally unstable. "The man talks to someone who can't be seen or heard, that is the first sign a schizophrenia. Many other factors also point towards mental instability, for example, he recently told people in Africa that condoms increase the spread of AIDS.

"Now, I understand he's the head of some religious organisation or something which means his whole purpose is to say statements based on absolutely nothing as if they were facts, but come on! Even for a Pope, that's fucking loonshit!"

Continuing on the tour, the Pope is expected to stop by and visit Ian Huntley and then Jamie Bulger's killers giving them a warm greeting and to apologise for "not getting to them in time" in order to give them "the cover up that they deserved".

The tour will end with him telling the country that his imaginary friend has a list of ten things that he doesn't want us to do, and if we do these things he will send us to the fire dimension where we will scream in merciless pain and suffering until the end of time...but also that he loves us.

"Unless you're a faggot Marmite miner," added Benedict, "then you get a fasttrack pass straight to Satan's shithole."

If we obey then we are greeted with eternal bliss which the Vatican has promised to the best kind of joy imaginable. Father Vicenza claimed with a gleeful smile that "it's an even better feeling than the tight grip of a choir boy's rectum!"

Meanwhile, Benedict XVI's right hand man, Cardinal Kasper has labelled Britain a "Third World country". Matthew Doman from North London commented: "A third world country he says? Oh no, I think he's confusing us with Botswana. You see, we don't have a raging AIDS epidemic because some fucking whacko told the vulnerably uneducated that they shouldn't wear a connie."

However, many have found positive aspects of the Nazi's visit. Jason Flint from Glasgow told PressPoke, "My little one loves the Popemobile and he even asked his Holiness if he could have a ride in it! Didn't you, you cheeky rascal!"

The eight year old responded, "Yes, and he told me I couldn't but if I went and saw Father O'Doyle he'd sort me out with some kind of ride."

Catholic Church Admits to Liking Justin Bieber

In a shock revelation, the Catholic church has admitted to enjoying the music of young pop starlet Justin Bieber.

Suspicions that the church had indulged in such contentious actions have been rife for some time. However, further controversy has now arisen due to the Vatican's previous attempts to cover up its fondness of Bieber's music.

The Justin Bieber Fan Club.

Since the announcement, experts have been investigating possible reasons as to why the young Canadian has been so popular within the Catholic church. Paul Jackson, professor of Dirty Perversion Studies at Stratton University, had this to say: "After hours of strenuous research we believe that the reason so many priests enjoy Bieber's work is because of the profuse sexual undertones in his music videos.

"Anything that is aimed at young, impressionable fourteen year old girls by filthy, immoral record labels is likely going to be of great interest to Catholic priests."

Earlier this week, Pope Benedict XVI himself announced that he regularly holds dance sessions with other Vatican priests to Bieber's hit single Baby, in his spare time. Although he admits that they rarely complete the dance routine because oddly "everyone starts watching the television fervently when Ludacris has the child in a headlock from behind."

Jackson and his team conducted an interview of over five hundred priests who all have Justin Bieber on their iPods. He found that 36% voted their favourite song as Baby because of the lyrics 'I'm going down, down, down, down.' But only 2% acknowledged this as a reference to damnation in hell.

64% prefer One Time because of the video. Father Belvichi said, "I particularly like the part where there is a house party full of under age children and Justin and his friends start spraying streams of white liquid over each other from cans at crotch height.

"Mmm...very good!" he added.

Polemicist and anti-theist Christopher Hitchens has already published an article slating that Catholic church for its admiration of Bieber's music. He writes, "As I said in my book God is Not Great, religion poisons everything. And now the music industry is another thing to add to the list.

"The Vatican supported the Nazis' exile after the Second World War, a group who had a shockingly poor regard for equality and human rights. Now, they are supporting Justin Bieber, a gentleman who has a shockingly poor regard for age boundaries and human eardrums.

"However, funding an affluent record label is the first time the Vatican has supported Jews, so I suppose that's a start," he added.