Danny Dyer to be PM's Advisor

Film "actor" Danny Dyer is to become the Prime Minister's personal advisor, it was revealed late last night.

The "actor" who has recently been out of a job was hired yesterday by David Cameron in order to give him personal advice on "matters both political and personal".

"Already he has been a fantastic aid," said Cameron, "he understands the way a Tory government works, our system of responsibility and standing up for oneself. He has had a key influence on decisions I have already made and ones I will make in the future."

Questions the PM has asked Dyer:

Q: The next election is scheduled for 2015 and after five years people may realise what a hash of things we've made and want Harriet Harman in by voting Labour, what should I do to prevent this?
A: 'Arriet may not always be the leada of the opposishon, but if she is, you could always try and beat 'er on a matter of policy and win over the people that way, showin' them that you are the best. Or...you could cut her face and no one would want her then.

Q: I have invited Nick Clegg into government because enough people saw through my guise of 'helping the people', if he turns on me and causes problems what should I do?
A: Take Clegg aside and talk to him in a cool and polite manna about your difference of opinion, and why you 'old that difference of opinion. Or simply cut his face and no fucka will listen to 'im then.

Q: If Sam's baby turns out not to be mine, what should I do?
A: Find some ova slapper and knock 'er up da duff to piss the bitch off. Or...cut her tits off and da baby won't want any milk then.

Q: How should I go about tackling football hooliganism after fourteen of the sixteen productions you've ever made have glamorised it so irresponsibly?
A: Go to the next West Ham, Millwall game in a big fuck off 'elicopter and shout fru a megaphone, "Oi, you cunts! Calm the fuck down or I'll cut all ya faces!" If that don't work cut their 'ands off and they won't be able to punch any fucker.

Q: How should I deal with misogynistic articles written in mainstream media whose target audience is young, impressionable teenage boys?
A: Tell the fuckin' editor it was 'is fault for allowing the article to go fru and get published. If he says it was whoever wrote it, and that they are a jumped up little shit who lives off a pathetic hard man persona and will go to extreme lengths just to make those young impressionable boys as well as complete twats, laugh and think he's cool...tell 'im to shut the fuck up and then cut his face.

"He is the ideal man for the job," said Cameron, "and I am very happy with his advice and progress. When we said you were 'Voting for Change' I bet you didn't think we meant permanently to your face!"

In other news, Robert Mugabe has expressed his delight at the British electoral system stating "I love it how you have members of a party in government who only got voted into 9% of the seats.

"You carry on like this and I might start letting you guys into the country again," he added clapping. Mr. Dyer insisted that if he didn't "he'd cut 'is fuckin' face."

Conservative Political Broadcast to be in 3D

The Conservatives have stated that their party political broadcasts will be available in 3D for subscribers of Murdoch's Son's Rip-off Television, Ltd.

David Cameron, the leader of the Conservative party was the first to announce that his party's broadcast would be in 3D: "We feel it is time for change," he told PressPoke, "the British public are sick and tired of seeing the same boring, mundane two-dimensional party political broadcasts that Gordon Brown and his cronies crack out every four years.

Put on the specs, we dare you!

"That is why the Conservative party, the party of the future, is inviting the public into the future of television with our new 3D self-admiration!"

Naturally, to be able to view the broadcast in 3D one must have the correct facilities; a pair of special 3D glasses, a subscription to a monopolised television service and no gag reflex so as not to wretch when exposed to such a lifelike David Cameron.

When asked to expand on what we can look forward to in the 3D broadcast, Cameron had this to say: "Well I can't give too much away but I've been in talks with my cousin James, who is an expert on 3D and he's been giving me some tips.

"Firstly, he said that 3D only works when things are flying in your face or being pointed at you. So, the broadcast will open with my head - in 3D - flying at you whilst rotating three hundred and sixty degrees saying 'Need!' and then 'For! and then 'Chaaaaange!' - that one's really drawn out and the lens will zoom in on my mouth going 'Chaaaange!' which will give the impression to the 3D viewers that I've swallowed them.

"I'll then go and interview people and ask them about things such as Labour's NHS cuts and the nurse I'm interviewing will point her syringe at the camera, very close up. Then I'll ask an ex-sales administrator who is now a caretaker about job losses, and he will do the same with his broom.

"It will shed light on Conservative's plans for the future whilst making the viewer go 'Oooooo!'"

Rumours are rife that Labour has since heard about the Tories' plans and are making their own three-dimensional political broadcast.

Cameron insists that he is not phased by the news, "People are sick and tired of this country being run as if it's still stuck in the twentieth century," he said in a dismissive manner, "If Labour make a 3D broadcast, it'll be with those shitty red and green paper glasses. The British public deserve better!"

Investigation to Uncover if Taxpayers' Money was Used to Fund Extremists

The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today pledged to launch a “deep and thorough investigation” into claims made by the Conservative leader David Cameron that taxpayers' money had been used to fund extremist groups.

In a statement to the House of Commons during Prime Minister’s questions yesterday Mr Cameron outlined how Government money had been given to political extremist groups around the country. Several hundred members of these groups, known as “The Conservative Party” and “The Labour Party”, had been found to be in receipt of billions of pounds of taxpayer’s money.

It has been reported in intelligence dossiers from police that these groups have one representative in each part of the country, and around them a cell of radical, volunteer activists known as a “constituency party”.

Many have fallen victim to these radical satellite terrorist cells. Reports show that these groups terrorise their local neighbourhoods with petitions to stop bypasses being built, or invitations to coffee mornings and fund raisers.

According to one serving MI5 agent, these groups have infiltrated the very heart of British Government, he said, “they’re everywhere, I’ve even heard that there are members of these “parties” within the House of Commons, and some have suggested they might even be in the House of Lords”.

Intelligence analysts have suggested that other groups may also be in receipt of Government money, such as a Nationalist faction that claims to be in control in Scotland. One other British group is known to exist, calling itself "The Liberal Democrats", although in a statement Scotland Yard said they “could not be sure if it existed” and if it did it was “wholly insignificant”.