Bongo the Silverback to Replace Rooney

A Silverback gorilla named Bongo has been drafted by Fabio Capello to replace Wayne Rooney, it emerged last night.

After "careful review" from the England management, the 700 lbs beast whose favourite food is his own faeces will play on Wednesday night against Slovenia instead of the Manchester United striker.

"I'm England 'til I die!!"

A spokesman for the England team said in a press statement last night: "We have studied Wayne Rooney's performance so far in the World Cup and we feel that a vital element to England's chances of qualifying to round two is for us to have a player up front who doesn't have a first touch that is closely associated with Peter Sutcliffe or Jack the Ripper.

"So we've drafted in Bongo who has already begun training."

Bongo is said to be bonding well with his new team mates and has developed an especially close relationship with defender John Terry. Joe Cole commented: "He's getting along with the lads, although we do have to keep reminding him of the rules. 99% of the time he's fine but on a couple of occasions in training we've passed him the ball to him and he's just stopped dead and started ripping it to shreds before lobbing his cack at Steven Gerrard and climbing Peter Crouch.

"I think he thinks Peter's a tree," he added.

"He gets angry like that," said a near by Frank Lampard, "but once he releases his sexual frustration he's fine so we just send him out with John for a night and the next day he's magic."

Much speculation has arisen as to what Rooney's removal from the team will do to both team and spectator morale. However, the team insist that the move is the correct one - "There's a lot of bonuses of having a gorilla as a centre-forward," said Lampard, "most notably, with the aid of an opposable digit Bongo can grab the ball with his feet and literally fuzz it into the net.

"And if that don't work he just goes over and rips the keeper's arms and face off."

"To be honest," said a FIFA official, "I don't think many will even notice that Capello's made the swap."

Millions Cringe as FIFA SG tries to Shag Hollywood Actress

Millions of people all around the world tuned in to what they thought was going to be the draw for the 2010 FIFA World Cup, which will be held in South Africa later next year. Instead they were presented with the most cringe worthy spectacle of a rich, middle-aged twat trying to chat up Hollywood stunner Charlize Theron.

Miss. Theron introduced FIFA secretary general Jérôme Valcke, to the stage who appeared with the leering eyes of a rapist. He then swiftly made his way to centre stage and gave her two lingering kisses that were more moist than a square meter of the Amazon rainforest. "Two," he said smiling and licking his dirty chops. Turning to the audience he smiled and shrugged as if to say "What? I am French," to which half the viewing public shouted at their TVs "Yeah, we fucking guessed!"

Valcke's IP address was
reportedly linked to this photo.

Yet, embarrassing himself once was not enough. In the style of a young Liverpudlian trying to get laid in a bar, he began slipping out football facts and testing Theron on said subject matter. To his befuddlement she was not amazed but simply embarrassed and disturbed.

"I do not understand why she did not succumb to my natural French charm," he said after the ceremony, "Does having lots of money, licking one's ear and having the face of a paedophile not attract women any more?"

The BBC and indeed FIFA itself received a flood of complaints during the show's airing. Jake Lyndhall from Kent said, "It was bloody disgusting! I felt more revolted watching this year's draw than when I watched Deliverance, Scum and The Accused all in one night."

Whilst Will Jackson from Yorkshire said, "If you pause it on Sky+ right after the third time you've puked then you can see him give her arse a little pinch. Honestly, go and have a look!"

Meanwhile, hospitals across the world have received a surge of patients whose teeth have cracked and eyelids turned inside out from cringing too much. One victim recounted, "I couldn't help it. It was just so embarrassing to watch this huge French tosser be so stereotypically cheesy. I was this close to gouging my eyes out when Charlize said, 'My, you are just a fact machine aren't you?' and looked at the audience as if to say 'Is this guy fucking kidding?'"

He added: "I bet he's gone home and knocked one out to that J'adore perfume advert. You perverted French bastard!"

Miss. Theron's agent said that she was not available for comment however she assured everyone that she has taken the appropriate action of "a hot shower every fifteen minutes to wash away the grease until she can be inspected by medical professionals for any eggs he may have laid inside her."