Police Fail to find Referee's Killer

Police have failed to find the killer of football referee Jorge Larrionda who oversaw England's disastrous game against Germany on Sunday.

Not a single witness.

Larrionda was murdered in the middle of the day on Longmarket street, one of the busiest areas of Cape Town. The body was transported all the way to the football stadium in Bloemfontein where it was stripped naked, hung with a noose from the north facing crossbar and had the words "NOW DO YOU SEE THE FUCKING LINE?" carved into its belly.

Despite forensic evidence suggesting the entire event occurred between 11:06 and 16:16 South African time, no witnesses have testified to seeing the murder.

Police questioned a man from Clacton-on-Sea called Barry Strongbeard who has been identified on CCTV as having witnessed the murder. Despite the video technology confirming Larrionda suffered twenty-nine stab wounds, a scalping with a Katana sword and three gunshots to the kneecaps Mr. Strongbeard insists "From where I was, which was about thirty yards away, it didn't look like a murder.

"He might have had a go, given him a slap or two, but that's all."

The police have since given up on the investigation only twelve hours after starting it, saying in a press statement: "Who killed him wouldn't make a difference anyway, he was rubbish at self-defence so he had it coming to him."

The body was found yesterday morning by England defender John Terry when he finally made it back to the penalty area. He admits to calling the police only once he had telephoned his Dad to make sure it wasn't "one of his.

"He said 'No son, but whilst yer there ask 'im a few questions about haa to defend a fucking goalmouf an' ya might learn a fing or two ya pillock!' and then hung up."

Millions Cringe as FIFA SG tries to Shag Hollywood Actress

Millions of people all around the world tuned in to what they thought was going to be the draw for the 2010 FIFA World Cup, which will be held in South Africa later next year. Instead they were presented with the most cringe worthy spectacle of a rich, middle-aged twat trying to chat up Hollywood stunner Charlize Theron.

Miss. Theron introduced FIFA secretary general Jérôme Valcke, to the stage who appeared with the leering eyes of a rapist. He then swiftly made his way to centre stage and gave her two lingering kisses that were more moist than a square meter of the Amazon rainforest. "Two," he said smiling and licking his dirty chops. Turning to the audience he smiled and shrugged as if to say "What? I am French," to which half the viewing public shouted at their TVs "Yeah, we fucking guessed!"

Valcke's IP address was
reportedly linked to this photo.

Yet, embarrassing himself once was not enough. In the style of a young Liverpudlian trying to get laid in a bar, he began slipping out football facts and testing Theron on said subject matter. To his befuddlement she was not amazed but simply embarrassed and disturbed.

"I do not understand why she did not succumb to my natural French charm," he said after the ceremony, "Does having lots of money, licking one's ear and having the face of a paedophile not attract women any more?"

The BBC and indeed FIFA itself received a flood of complaints during the show's airing. Jake Lyndhall from Kent said, "It was bloody disgusting! I felt more revolted watching this year's draw than when I watched Deliverance, Scum and The Accused all in one night."

Whilst Will Jackson from Yorkshire said, "If you pause it on Sky+ right after the third time you've puked then you can see him give her arse a little pinch. Honestly, go and have a look!"

Meanwhile, hospitals across the world have received a surge of patients whose teeth have cracked and eyelids turned inside out from cringing too much. One victim recounted, "I couldn't help it. It was just so embarrassing to watch this huge French tosser be so stereotypically cheesy. I was this close to gouging my eyes out when Charlize said, 'My, you are just a fact machine aren't you?' and looked at the audience as if to say 'Is this guy fucking kidding?'"

He added: "I bet he's gone home and knocked one out to that J'adore perfume advert. You perverted French bastard!"

Miss. Theron's agent said that she was not available for comment however she assured everyone that she has taken the appropriate action of "a hot shower every fifteen minutes to wash away the grease until she can be inspected by medical professionals for any eggs he may have laid inside her."