Facebook Expand Orwellian Empire

Personal details guzzler Facebook have released a new feature that tracks where you are, what you're doing and what kind of toilet paper you use to wipe your arse, it was revealed today.

Big Brother is Watching You

The feature, entitled 'Places' will allow Facebook users to update their status with their current location on the Earth's surface which the social media giant says "will significantly enhance their social experience".

However, today Mark Zuckerberg, the smug little nerdy shit who founded Facebook, admitted that it was all a guise in order to gain even more precious personal details of half a billion people.

"Facebook profiles have become ID cards on a global scale," he said chuckling, "and the best thing is they're voluntary!

"We've expanded our ID scheme slowly and have successfully made 500 million people tell us absolutely everything about them. People forget that when Facebook started all you put in was your name, university and a picture of you petting your cat. Now I can tell you where any Facebook user is at this exact moment, as well as who they are romantically engaged with and which nostril they picked this morning.

"Come on, test me!" he added laughing manically, "TEST ME!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAGH!!"

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Political Sciences at the University of Stratton has warned against this for a long time: "I started growing weary of Facebook back in 2008 when they seemed to think it was perfectly fine to start splashing your personal details around like a drunk scouser having a slash.

"Every company with a name has a Facebook application so that they can access every little bit of information about you, you reckon the CIA and MI5 don't have access to that also? Herr Zuckerburg was only talking to the Prime Minister and President Obama a few weeks ago!

"They are literally ID cards, think about it; you have a unique ID number, your actual name, your gender, age, where you were educated, where you grew up, what you enjoy doing and even your taste in books, music and movies. That's more than they could fit on a sodding ID card and the ironic thing is we've gone to the fucking trouble of making them ourselves!

"All these people were protesting in Whitehall a year ago about Gordon Brown trying to introduce ID cards and they were updating their statuses at the same time - 'In Whitehall telling the government to shove their Orwellian policies up their arse! Hands off our personal details!' - you bloody idiots! You've already given it all to them with a nice updated profile picture of you causing drunken havoc in Baskingstoke town centre!"

Zuckerberg commented: "The best thing about people is that 99% of them won't give two squirts of piss if something infringes upon their basic human rights as long as it makes telling their friends about their pointless little lives that much easier."

"Who's Viewing your Profile" Facebook App a Hoax

The popular social networking website Facebook, have announced that the twenty-thousandth application that you saw your friend try out which claims to allow users to see who is looking at their profile, amazingly doesn't do what it says it does.

No, she's not on your sodding profile!

The shock announcement fell on dumbfounded ears yesterday afternoon. Jake Lyndhall commented, "I couldn't believe the news when I heard it. These things are fake?! I thought an application that asked me to join a group first, invite all of my friends and then join a fan page before giving me priveleged access to the link www.hck.ur.comp.com to download it was completely genuine and honest.

"Well I would go and leave every one of those groups, I am so angry, but unfortunately now my computer's only function is to display a gigantic, hardcore pornographic picture with the title 'UV B1N FUCKED!!1 :D'"

Meanwhile, Jessica Pinter said, "I just thought none of them had worked because I'd missed one of my friends out of the invitation process. It after all does say you must invite all of your friends. I thought that was for the feature to work properly, never did I think that was a pitiful attempt to utilise ridiculously naïve people in order to reach as many targets as possible and infect them all with viruses."

Paul Jackson, a spokesman for Facebook said, "Do not underestimate these hoaxers. To many, it may seem like a futile attempt to lure people in because it is so blazingly obvious that it's a hoax. But there are many, many egocentric and narcissistic people out there who are so desperate to know how popular they are that they'll risk their computer's health and looking like a twat to find out."

One young gentleman, aged 14 from Suffolk, admitted to taking such a risk: "I one day plucked up the courage to say 'Hello,' in the chat box to Chelsea in year ten. She said 'ello darlin' back and I thought I might be in with a chance of losing my virginity. So I downloaded one of the profile viewer applications to see if she's as drastically obsessed with me as I am with her. Now I'm grounded because my mum thinks I looked at three hundred animal porn websites in one afternoon.

"I tried telling her it was a hacker who put them there but she said, 'Tell your nana Doris that who was trying to email her cousin in Australia.'"

Jackson also insists that those ridiculously annoying photo generators 'informing' you which top ten friends look at your profile the most are similarly "utter crocks of bullshit".

He issued a further warning directly to Facebook users: "There is no way to see who's on your profile, there never will be and that guy or girl who you've got a crush on doesn't give a shit about you.

"So just don't bother."