Adam Sandler as Funny as an Abortion say Experts

Film and comedy critics around the world have announced that with the release of Grown Ups it is clear that Adam Sandler is as funny as a backstreet abortion of a healthy 24-week old foetus with a knitting needle.

Ho ho! ...it's all relative.

Film critic Paul Jackson said that upon viewing Sandler's latest release he "had a sudden screaming revelation. The revelation that something could be less funny than Little Nicky.

"Up until that point I had thought that this feat was a physical impossibility, like travelling faster than the speed of light. But this latest putrid dog turd of a movie was so bad I broke three toes, curling them up whilst cringing at Chris Rock ruining his reputation."

Another critic noted, "I have seen less childishness in a playground, less misogyny in the Koran and more moral fibre in Mein Kampf.

"But most of all, I've been to funerals that were more entertaining than this pile of shit."

So bad is the film, that it has urged a Channel 4 show into production entitled Top 100 Things That Are More Fun than Watching Grown Ups. The list includes timeless classics such as route canal surgery and wiping your arse with sandpaper but some enlightening interviews with Z-listers including Davina McCall, Cat Deeley and every person to ever enter the Big Brother house has revealed some more obscure choices such as:

• Having an endoscopy. (David Letterman)
• Vacuuming the Sahara desert. (James Caan)
• Dunking my balls into an operating blender. (Jeremy Clarkson)
• Watching someone else read. (Hillary Duff)
• Trying to eat air. (Miley Cyrus)
• Inserting Excalibur into my japseye. (John Tickle)
• Feeling my fingernails grow. (Ryan Reynolds)
• Severing our arse cheeks and sitting in a pool of vinegar. (T4 Presenters)
• Performing fellatio on a banker and telling him "Now I get to suck you dry, you naughty, naughty boy!" (Joe McElderry)

Jake Lyndhall, a recruitment consultant from Essex who had just seen Grown Ups, commented outside the cinema: "Once upon a time when I was about ten years old I was walking home from school. It was getting dark and I bumped into Alex Barnfield, the local school bully, he was one of those people who had the physique of a Minotaur at the age of eleven. He chased me for four or five miles through back alleys, cornfields and dense woodland.

"Eventually I spied a tree stump next to a fence, the one thing I had over Alex Barnfield was my ability to jump, I had recently been awarded the certificate for being the best high jumper in form 6B. It was a high fence but I thought 'I can do this! This will separate us and I will lose him and not get my head caved in by that brute of young man.'

"I used the stump as a launch pad and my adrenaline drenched thigh muscles dispensed all their strength into ascending me over that fence.

"99% of me made it over that fence. Unfortunately the 1% that didn't was my two testicles that remained hung by the spermatic chord on a rusty nail as I screamed with incomprehensible pain in Mrs. Peterson's back garden.

"Once he had climbed the fence Alex Barnfield called an ambulance, the event induced sympathy out of person who is now in Whitemoor maximum security prison for excessive GBH. As he was in Mrs Peterson's house making the call her dog came out, licked my groin injuries and then sqautted and shat on my face leaving me partially blind in one eye.

"Yet all that, all that I went through, was like having a full body massage from Megan Fox with a happy ending compared to watching Grown Ups.

"I now don't know who I hate more in life, Alex Barnfield, Adam Sandler or Mrs Peterson's dog."

Facebook Expand Orwellian Empire

Personal details guzzler Facebook have released a new feature that tracks where you are, what you're doing and what kind of toilet paper you use to wipe your arse, it was revealed today.

Big Brother is Watching You

The feature, entitled 'Places' will allow Facebook users to update their status with their current location on the Earth's surface which the social media giant says "will significantly enhance their social experience".

However, today Mark Zuckerberg, the smug little nerdy shit who founded Facebook, admitted that it was all a guise in order to gain even more precious personal details of half a billion people.

"Facebook profiles have become ID cards on a global scale," he said chuckling, "and the best thing is they're voluntary!

"We've expanded our ID scheme slowly and have successfully made 500 million people tell us absolutely everything about them. People forget that when Facebook started all you put in was your name, university and a picture of you petting your cat. Now I can tell you where any Facebook user is at this exact moment, as well as who they are romantically engaged with and which nostril they picked this morning.

"Come on, test me!" he added laughing manically, "TEST ME!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAGH!!"

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Political Sciences at the University of Stratton has warned against this for a long time: "I started growing weary of Facebook back in 2008 when they seemed to think it was perfectly fine to start splashing your personal details around like a drunk scouser having a slash.

"Every company with a name has a Facebook application so that they can access every little bit of information about you, you reckon the CIA and MI5 don't have access to that also? Herr Zuckerburg was only talking to the Prime Minister and President Obama a few weeks ago!

"They are literally ID cards, think about it; you have a unique ID number, your actual name, your gender, age, where you were educated, where you grew up, what you enjoy doing and even your taste in books, music and movies. That's more than they could fit on a sodding ID card and the ironic thing is we've gone to the fucking trouble of making them ourselves!

"All these people were protesting in Whitehall a year ago about Gordon Brown trying to introduce ID cards and they were updating their statuses at the same time - 'In Whitehall telling the government to shove their Orwellian policies up their arse! Hands off our personal details!' - you bloody idiots! You've already given it all to them with a nice updated profile picture of you causing drunken havoc in Baskingstoke town centre!"

Zuckerberg commented: "The best thing about people is that 99% of them won't give two squirts of piss if something infringes upon their basic human rights as long as it makes telling their friends about their pointless little lives that much easier."