Twilight Sequel funds Vampire World Domination

The latest film in the Twilight saga New Moon, has allowed the World Vampire Federation to amass enough funds to buy out the US and British governments, it was revealed late last night.

In its opening weekend New Moon generated so much money that it has completely resolved economic recessions in twenty-three different countries including the United States, Canada and Britain.

For Christ's sake, don't see Eclipse!

However, the net capital has been accumulated by the World Vampire Federation, the movie's main producer, acting under the pseudonym of Summit Entertainment.

Lord Drekul, the head of the WVF issued this statement: "It has taken us over five thousand years to get to this stage, but thanks to contemptible hormonal females we shall now take our just place as rulers of the world! Prepare for an age of death and darkness!"

When pressed on this issue he added, "Yes, that is right we don't drink the blood of animals like those pussies in the film. We made that bit up. Gaahahahaha!"

Many vampires were involved in making the film including author of the novels Stephenie Meyer and director, Chris Weitz. However, leading actor Robert Pattinson was confirmed as not being one of the undead: "He was the first sacrifice we made once the premier was over," said Drekul, "we plucked out his eyes and then severed his carotid artery and got totally hammered on his type O. It was awesome, I always hated that little cunt!"

Various world authorities now worried that the vampires' shadow of doom will spread have urged pithy little teenage girls to stop going back to the cinema for a second, third or sometimes even seventh viewing. "It doesn't matter how fit, heroic, pathetic or moany that dick head is," said the head of the United Nations, "if you want to be opening presents this Christmas and not your relatives' caskets then you better get your acts together.

"If New Moon continues to generate the revenue it has in its opening weekend then the WVF will be able to buy China. And then we are truly fucked!

"Have you seen Asian vampires?" he added, "They are like the Western ones, but faster and much more sadistic. Two billion of them chomping on your jugular is gonna make Nicole Brown's death look dignified."

However, many of Twilight's demographic will simply not listen. Mary, aged 17 from Kent said, "I don't care how much death and suffering there will be, if they exist I openly invite them to come and feast on my worthless heart which I have dedicated to Edward and Bella's love.

"Take me! Take me guardians of the night to your eternal underworld and I shall forever be a minion of evil!" she added.

Obama Imprisoned in China

The US President Barack Obama has been imprisoned in China for making antigovernment speeches, it was revealed today.

Barack Obama's tour of east Asia was brought to a abrupt halt when he suggested the radical idea that even Chinese people deserve to say whatever they bloody well please. After his speech he was arrested for treason by two armed policeman and whisked off to the nearest prison where he is sharing a cell with a psychopathic Triad gang member named Yung-Din.

"When are visiting hours?"

In a press statement the Chinese government said that as a strictly authoritarian country this is the usual response for suggesting that they may be - just may be - slightly corrupt and immoral. They also noted that President Obama's comments concerning internet censorship contributed to the reasons for his arrest. A spokesman for the government simply said, "We no need your American boobie!"

President Obama claims that he was not insinuating anything about pornography but believes the Chinese public deserve an internet service that does not merely consist of three pages on Google describing how attractive Hu Jintao is and 1.5 billion World of Warcraft servers.

However, much of the public stand by the government. Song Ying said, "China is the best country in the world! What Mr. Obama does not realise is that our society is based on a reward system like his. For example, I work twenty-two hours a day in an asbestos factory and in return the government allows me to raise a child in a 6x5 foot shack next to a nuclear power station.

"And all that for free!" she added.