Conservative Political Broadcast to be in 3D

The Conservatives have stated that their party political broadcasts will be available in 3D for subscribers of Murdoch's Son's Rip-off Television, Ltd.

David Cameron, the leader of the Conservative party was the first to announce that his party's broadcast would be in 3D: "We feel it is time for change," he told PressPoke, "the British public are sick and tired of seeing the same boring, mundane two-dimensional party political broadcasts that Gordon Brown and his cronies crack out every four years.

Put on the specs, we dare you!

"That is why the Conservative party, the party of the future, is inviting the public into the future of television with our new 3D self-admiration!"

Naturally, to be able to view the broadcast in 3D one must have the correct facilities; a pair of special 3D glasses, a subscription to a monopolised television service and no gag reflex so as not to wretch when exposed to such a lifelike David Cameron.

When asked to expand on what we can look forward to in the 3D broadcast, Cameron had this to say: "Well I can't give too much away but I've been in talks with my cousin James, who is an expert on 3D and he's been giving me some tips.

"Firstly, he said that 3D only works when things are flying in your face or being pointed at you. So, the broadcast will open with my head - in 3D - flying at you whilst rotating three hundred and sixty degrees saying 'Need!' and then 'For! and then 'Chaaaaange!' - that one's really drawn out and the lens will zoom in on my mouth going 'Chaaaange!' which will give the impression to the 3D viewers that I've swallowed them.

"I'll then go and interview people and ask them about things such as Labour's NHS cuts and the nurse I'm interviewing will point her syringe at the camera, very close up. Then I'll ask an ex-sales administrator who is now a caretaker about job losses, and he will do the same with his broom.

"It will shed light on Conservative's plans for the future whilst making the viewer go 'Oooooo!'"

Rumours are rife that Labour has since heard about the Tories' plans and are making their own three-dimensional political broadcast.

Cameron insists that he is not phased by the news, "People are sick and tired of this country being run as if it's still stuck in the twentieth century," he said in a dismissive manner, "If Labour make a 3D broadcast, it'll be with those shitty red and green paper glasses. The British public deserve better!"

Internet Campaign to Vote in LibDems

An internet campaign has been launched on the popular social networking site Facebook with the goal of seeing the Liberal Democrats brought to power in the 2010 general elections.

The Facebook 'group' was started by married couple Jon and Tracey Porter. Mr. Porter had this to say: "Our aim is to amass enough attention and activism so that we can topple the boring, sugary, mainstream LaboConservative politics machine that repeats the same things over and over again just in a different key.

A pipe dream, say many.

"Yes, what we are voting in is very old," he added, "it's a long shot, it has been a long time since they were popular and they do spout very misinformed opinions all over the place.

"However, the Liberal Democrats have promised a free party liaison open to the public if they get into power."

Some have pointed out that the Liberal Democrats operate under the same umbrella group as Labour and the Conservatives which is simply 'Rich, Old, Lying Men' and that your tax money will still be in the same peoples' hands.

On BBC Radio 5 earlier this week LibDem frontman Nick Clegg defended the campaign, "This isn't about the tax money, people are just sick of being spoon fed the same schmaltzy policies one after another. They want to hear something different, regardless of whether its true or not."

He was then abruptly taken off air after repeating obscenities which included, "environment", "A fresh start for Britain," and "free and open society".

Broadcaster Shelagh Fogerty then apologised saying, "Sorry, we weren't expecting him to do that - well we were, but we asked him not to and he still did - so vote Tory!"

Meanwhile, it is blazingly clear that Simon Cowell is still some how getting ridiculously richer whatever the outcome.

Investigation to Uncover if Taxpayers' Money was Used to Fund Extremists

The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today pledged to launch a “deep and thorough investigation” into claims made by the Conservative leader David Cameron that taxpayers' money had been used to fund extremist groups.

In a statement to the House of Commons during Prime Minister’s questions yesterday Mr Cameron outlined how Government money had been given to political extremist groups around the country. Several hundred members of these groups, known as “The Conservative Party” and “The Labour Party”, had been found to be in receipt of billions of pounds of taxpayer’s money.

It has been reported in intelligence dossiers from police that these groups have one representative in each part of the country, and around them a cell of radical, volunteer activists known as a “constituency party”.

Many have fallen victim to these radical satellite terrorist cells. Reports show that these groups terrorise their local neighbourhoods with petitions to stop bypasses being built, or invitations to coffee mornings and fund raisers.

According to one serving MI5 agent, these groups have infiltrated the very heart of British Government, he said, “they’re everywhere, I’ve even heard that there are members of these “parties” within the House of Commons, and some have suggested they might even be in the House of Lords”.

Intelligence analysts have suggested that other groups may also be in receipt of Government money, such as a Nationalist faction that claims to be in control in Scotland. One other British group is known to exist, calling itself "The Liberal Democrats", although in a statement Scotland Yard said they “could not be sure if it existed” and if it did it was “wholly insignificant”.