Tony Blair's Memoirs Retitled "A Journey to the Centre of Hell"

Tony Blair's memoirs which are to be released on Wednesday have gone through two title reformations, from The Journey to A Journey and finally, A Journey to the Centre of Hell.

"I don't give a shit if you're Catholic."

The issue surrounding the title of the book as been laid down to various marketing strategies by publisher Random House. A spokesman said: "The concern originally was that the 'The Journey' sounded too egocentric, some said it was even approaching messianic so we made the snap decision to change it to 'A Journey'.

"However, when we thought about it for a while we said to each other 'hang on, Tony Blair isn't messianic at all, he's the opposite. The bloke's an absolute bastard!' so we added on '...to the Centre of Hell' because that's certainly where he's heading."

Another major alteration to the book will be a 500 page epilogue that has been written by a ghost writer describing Tony's future journey through the nine layers of Lucifer's evil domain. Readers can enjoy detailed descriptions of how he will face Cerberus, the three headed demon dog before swimming through a thirty mile lake of fire only to be tortured by faceless harpies for eternity using a pineapple, a pair of rusty wire cutters and a naked spectre of Ann Widecombe.

"Tony wasn't entirely happy with this addition," said the Random House spokesman Jake Lyndhall, "but y'know, we've got books to shift and we want to appeal to a demographic that consists of more than sixty year old Telegraph readers and Oxbridge students called Ralph and Edgar.

"Oh, and also we've removed his opening quote which was originally,  

"All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions." - Adlai E. Stevenson

and replaced it with...

bastard noun

1. A person born out of wedlock.
2. A viscous, despicable or thoroughly unliked person. 

         e.g. Oi Frank, isn't that Tony Blair a right bastard!
                Yeah, what a cunt.

"He didn't like that much either," added Mr. Lyndhall.

Critics are already raving about the book and especially the epilogue, one noted "a great bit" towards the end "where he has to face his own sins in the third circle of hell and so he gets to experience what it's like to have armed soldiers bust down his front door and murder his wife whilst a mortar shell blows his childrens' arms and legs off.

"That was top stuff!"

Internet Campaign to Vote in LibDems

An internet campaign has been launched on the popular social networking site Facebook with the goal of seeing the Liberal Democrats brought to power in the 2010 general elections.

The Facebook 'group' was started by married couple Jon and Tracey Porter. Mr. Porter had this to say: "Our aim is to amass enough attention and activism so that we can topple the boring, sugary, mainstream LaboConservative politics machine that repeats the same things over and over again just in a different key.

A pipe dream, say many.

"Yes, what we are voting in is very old," he added, "it's a long shot, it has been a long time since they were popular and they do spout very misinformed opinions all over the place.

"However, the Liberal Democrats have promised a free party liaison open to the public if they get into power."

Some have pointed out that the Liberal Democrats operate under the same umbrella group as Labour and the Conservatives which is simply 'Rich, Old, Lying Men' and that your tax money will still be in the same peoples' hands.

On BBC Radio 5 earlier this week LibDem frontman Nick Clegg defended the campaign, "This isn't about the tax money, people are just sick of being spoon fed the same schmaltzy policies one after another. They want to hear something different, regardless of whether its true or not."

He was then abruptly taken off air after repeating obscenities which included, "environment", "A fresh start for Britain," and "free and open society".

Broadcaster Shelagh Fogerty then apologised saying, "Sorry, we weren't expecting him to do that - well we were, but we asked him not to and he still did - so vote Tory!"

Meanwhile, it is blazingly clear that Simon Cowell is still some how getting ridiculously richer whatever the outcome.