Kristen Stewart as Annoying in Real Life

A poll conducted across all 192 UN recognised countries that included absolutely everybody returned the results that 99.99% of people find Kristen Stewart as annoying in real life as she is in her movies.

The young actress has annoyed millions around the world, most famously with her starring role in the Sexually Frustrated Vampire Tossers series. However, due to the films' highly irritating nature many had simply laid this down to her portrayal of a character. It was only until people watched interviews with Stewart that they realised she was actually playing her own irksome self.

More annoying than Jehovah's witnesses.

Jake Lyndhall, the man who conducted the poll commented, "Obviously not everyone had seen Miss. Stewart in real life circumstances but she exposed herself as fundamentally irritating to a vast audience at the 82nd Academy Awards on Sunday night where she presented a homage to the horror - AHEM! - genre."

Psychologist Paul Jackson at the University of Stratton explained why so many find her so infuriating: "Well for a start, she's called 'Kristen'. Although, she set the real foundations by playing a right moany bitch in Sexually Frustrated Vampire Tossers. Then she built upon that with annoying little nuances and characteristics.

"Most notable of these are exhaling sharply, actively trying to look awkward, her incapacity to complete a sentence without clearing her throat in a highly exaggerated manner and the general decorum of constantly looking like she'd rather be rotting in hell than being where she is at the respective moment.

"This last trait especially annoys many when they think about what they have to do to earn the money she does in twelve minutes. Would you look that ridiculously pissed off if you got paid a banker's bailout sum to play pretend ghoolies?"

Barry Strongbeard from Lancashire said, "I were watching the BAFTAs where this little princess picked up best newcomer or something like that. Well, when she got up there I thought she'd shat herself she looked so awkward. It was only until I watched the crappy movies she's in and a few interviews on YouTube afterwards that I realised the boring little shite's always like that!

"I mean, why would you try and become an actress if you have the charisma of fish bowl?" he added.

The poll did not return a unanimous yes vote to the question "Does watching Kristen Stewart make you want to slap her...with a shovel?" because Stewart was one of the asked people herself.

In response she brushed her hair behind each ear five times and looked in either corner of her eye before commenting, "I...I..er...[sharp exhale]....I....I....I didn't know - AHEM! - I...didn't know people found me....that....that - AHEM! - annoying. I'm just....I'm just acting. I....[sharp exhale]....I... don't....I don't find myself annoying...so I...[sharp exhale and extending of lower jaw]...I vote 'no'."

She then winced and added, "AHEM!"

Twilight Sequel funds Vampire World Domination

The latest film in the Twilight saga New Moon, has allowed the World Vampire Federation to amass enough funds to buy out the US and British governments, it was revealed late last night.

In its opening weekend New Moon generated so much money that it has completely resolved economic recessions in twenty-three different countries including the United States, Canada and Britain.

For Christ's sake, don't see Eclipse!

However, the net capital has been accumulated by the World Vampire Federation, the movie's main producer, acting under the pseudonym of Summit Entertainment.

Lord Drekul, the head of the WVF issued this statement: "It has taken us over five thousand years to get to this stage, but thanks to contemptible hormonal females we shall now take our just place as rulers of the world! Prepare for an age of death and darkness!"

When pressed on this issue he added, "Yes, that is right we don't drink the blood of animals like those pussies in the film. We made that bit up. Gaahahahaha!"

Many vampires were involved in making the film including author of the novels Stephenie Meyer and director, Chris Weitz. However, leading actor Robert Pattinson was confirmed as not being one of the undead: "He was the first sacrifice we made once the premier was over," said Drekul, "we plucked out his eyes and then severed his carotid artery and got totally hammered on his type O. It was awesome, I always hated that little cunt!"

Various world authorities now worried that the vampires' shadow of doom will spread have urged pithy little teenage girls to stop going back to the cinema for a second, third or sometimes even seventh viewing. "It doesn't matter how fit, heroic, pathetic or moany that dick head is," said the head of the United Nations, "if you want to be opening presents this Christmas and not your relatives' caskets then you better get your acts together.

"If New Moon continues to generate the revenue it has in its opening weekend then the WVF will be able to buy China. And then we are truly fucked!

"Have you seen Asian vampires?" he added, "They are like the Western ones, but faster and much more sadistic. Two billion of them chomping on your jugular is gonna make Nicole Brown's death look dignified."

However, many of Twilight's demographic will simply not listen. Mary, aged 17 from Kent said, "I don't care how much death and suffering there will be, if they exist I openly invite them to come and feast on my worthless heart which I have dedicated to Edward and Bella's love.

"Take me! Take me guardians of the night to your eternal underworld and I shall forever be a minion of evil!" she added.