Sarah Palin talks "Utter Nonsense", say Experts

Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska, has been exposed by top political scientists for "making about as much sense as a cellophane Maxi pad."

"Counting's easy!"

The controversial statement has been made at a time when Palin is strongly rumoured to be the Republican Presidential candidate for 2012. Professor Paul Jackson says the move was intentional: "I find it very worrying that there is even the remotest possibility that our next president could be a person whose idea of a foreign policy is being intimate with the rules of ice hockey."

Yet, the thought of a Palin presidency does not only worry experts. Matt Doman, a father of three from New Jersey said, "Does this woman think dinosaurs were here four thousand years ago? Seriously, someone ask her. This is very important, because she's gonna have access to the nuclear codes!"

"The problem with Palin," Jackson commented, "is that not even she knows what the hell she is talking about."

Palin is expected to release a book later this summer containing all the buzzwords she spews out when she doesn't know what the green and blue fuck is going on...which is 98.5% of her waking life. Words include "policy", "foreign", "weapons of mass destruction" and for a limited time only comes with The Mini Dictionary of Sarah Palin's Coined Words - now you too can increase religious hatred between two races by "refudiating" the building of a Mosque on ground zero!

"You ask her a question and she'll start firing out these random political phrases regardless of whether or not they are at all relevant," explained Professor Jackson.

"Oh, that and also she's thicker than a the walls of a nuclear submarine," he added.

Babies Sue Johnson's Shampoo

Babies across the world have united to file a class action lawsuit against the shampoo producer Johnson's.

"This is bullshit!"

The infants' reason for suing the cosmetic giant is "for false advertising" and "making us cry a lot more than we expected."

One of the leaders of the campaign, Jake Lyndhall aged 2, commented: "Not only have they advertised on television, billboards and other mainstream media that their products produce 'No More Tears' but they have plastered it on the front of every bottle of the wretched stuff since day one.

"So what were we to expect? When my Mummy lathered the stuff into my hair I was fine at first, thinking this isn't like the others, it says 'No More Tears' on the bottle, I can see that.

"Then out of of nowhere a small drop of water infused with Johnson's falsely advertised magma dripped straight into the corner of my left eye. I thought that dinosaur from the first Jurassic Park had just spat that black goo in my face like it did to the fat man.

"Did I cry? Cry?! I let my Mum fucking have it! It was like having the ninth circle of hell in my eye!" he added.

Johnson's have admitted to creating a product "which only works for a certain proportion of the baby public". A spokesman said, "We meant the slogan to be a light-hearted catchphrase and we apologise if it doesn't ring true for all of our consumer base.

"However, to be honest they are a touchy bunch of brats to take it seriously. I mean saying that you've invented a shampoo that doesn't sting when it goes in your eyes is like saying you've invented chips that taste good and only contain five calories, or a bra that isn't an absolute ball ache for men to take off.

"These things just don't happen, the kids are in fairy tale land!"

"He's got some bloody cheek," responded baby Jake on reading the statement on his Fisher Price laptop, "I should be in fairy tale land but I can hardly delve into the escapism of Peter Pan as read by my Mummy when I've got three tonnes of Johnson's Agent fucking Orange in my sockets still causing me grief!

"It was even one of those books where you get cues to press the buttons and Tinkerbell tinkles and Hook says something really nasty - but even mashing them into oblivion until it drives my parents insane couldn't take my mind off the utter suffering emblazoned upon my vision by Mr. Johnson!

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" he added.

Northern Nutters - The Game!

The New ROYAL CREDIT CARD!

Police Fail to find Referee's Killer

Police have failed to find the killer of football referee Jorge Larrionda who oversaw England's disastrous game against Germany on Sunday.

Not a single witness.

Larrionda was murdered in the middle of the day on Longmarket street, one of the busiest areas of Cape Town. The body was transported all the way to the football stadium in Bloemfontein where it was stripped naked, hung with a noose from the north facing crossbar and had the words "NOW DO YOU SEE THE FUCKING LINE?" carved into its belly.

Despite forensic evidence suggesting the entire event occurred between 11:06 and 16:16 South African time, no witnesses have testified to seeing the murder.

Police questioned a man from Clacton-on-Sea called Barry Strongbeard who has been identified on CCTV as having witnessed the murder. Despite the video technology confirming Larrionda suffered twenty-nine stab wounds, a scalping with a Katana sword and three gunshots to the kneecaps Mr. Strongbeard insists "From where I was, which was about thirty yards away, it didn't look like a murder.

"He might have had a go, given him a slap or two, but that's all."

The police have since given up on the investigation only twelve hours after starting it, saying in a press statement: "Who killed him wouldn't make a difference anyway, he was rubbish at self-defence so he had it coming to him."

The body was found yesterday morning by England defender John Terry when he finally made it back to the penalty area. He admits to calling the police only once he had telephoned his Dad to make sure it wasn't "one of his.

"He said 'No son, but whilst yer there ask 'im a few questions about haa to defend a fucking goalmouf an' ya might learn a fing or two ya pillock!' and then hung up."

Bongo the Silverback to Replace Rooney

A Silverback gorilla named Bongo has been drafted by Fabio Capello to replace Wayne Rooney, it emerged last night.

After "careful review" from the England management, the 700 lbs beast whose favourite food is his own faeces will play on Wednesday night against Slovenia instead of the Manchester United striker.

"I'm England 'til I die!!"

A spokesman for the England team said in a press statement last night: "We have studied Wayne Rooney's performance so far in the World Cup and we feel that a vital element to England's chances of qualifying to round two is for us to have a player up front who doesn't have a first touch that is closely associated with Peter Sutcliffe or Jack the Ripper.

"So we've drafted in Bongo who has already begun training."

Bongo is said to be bonding well with his new team mates and has developed an especially close relationship with defender John Terry. Joe Cole commented: "He's getting along with the lads, although we do have to keep reminding him of the rules. 99% of the time he's fine but on a couple of occasions in training we've passed him the ball to him and he's just stopped dead and started ripping it to shreds before lobbing his cack at Steven Gerrard and climbing Peter Crouch.

"I think he thinks Peter's a tree," he added.

"He gets angry like that," said a near by Frank Lampard, "but once he releases his sexual frustration he's fine so we just send him out with John for a night and the next day he's magic."

Much speculation has arisen as to what Rooney's removal from the team will do to both team and spectator morale. However, the team insist that the move is the correct one - "There's a lot of bonuses of having a gorilla as a centre-forward," said Lampard, "most notably, with the aid of an opposable digit Bongo can grab the ball with his feet and literally fuzz it into the net.

"And if that don't work he just goes over and rips the keeper's arms and face off."

"To be honest," said a FIFA official, "I don't think many will even notice that Capello's made the swap."

"Green", "Heskey", "ITV" and "Shit" see Usage Increase

In a recent study it was found that since 7:30PM last night the words "Green", "Heskey", "ITV" and "a stinking pile of useless shite" have seen a usage increase among the British public of 900%.

The opening goal.

The study taken from recorded telephone conversations and CCTV microphones also took into account the emotional quality of each utterance of the keywords. It found that whilst over 55% of them were said in annoyance, a significant 45% were said with colossal amounts of glee and satisfaction in Scottish and Welsh accents.

Professor Paul Jackson who headed the study said: "It's a classic case of English pessimism meeting Scottish and Welsh racism - all rather normal behaviour except that this weekend it's increased almost ten fold.

"We have seen a peak of the keywords' mention and expect a fall to now commence throughout the week. However, we predict a huge increase will conclude on Friday between 7:30 and 9:30PM.

"If it continues on this scale we could see words like 'Heskey', 'useless' and 'tosser' overtake words like 'the',  'a' and 'omg'."

ITV's mention coincides with what has been described as "the biggest TV fuck up since Heil Honey I'm Home!" - the loss of broadcast on ITV's new "brighter" HD channel when Steven Gerrard scored the first, four minute goal.

Football fan Billy Norman commented, "I could not believe it. When you thought ITV could not get any shitter, they go and put a fucking advert when England's first 2010 World Cup goal is scored.

"Seriously, can you make a bigger mistake? Is it possible to have a TV network any worse than ITV? I'd rather see BabeStation win the rights for the next World Cup."

According to Jackson, comments like these continued in pubs and bars across England after the game had finished and all the way through James Corden's post-match show Look How Many Famous Gits I Hang out With in which "fat" also saw a frequency spike.