George Lucas to Flog a Dead Horse in 3D

Filmmaker George Lucas is to film himself beating a dead horse with a smug face whilst a lot of naive pricks with Buddy Holly glasses watch him, he announced this week.

3D or not, could you just piss off!

The multimillionaire announced that this new film will take "selling the same product over and over again to the next level of disgusting, talentless capitalistic greed.

"It's an exciting prospect," he added.

The movie entitled Star Wars: An Old Rope is expected to make even more money alongside its prequels...or sequels or whatever the fuck they are. Social commentator and film critic Paul Jackson laid this capital phenomena down to what he called "imbeciles" who are "so short sighted and biased that they would buy the bricks George Lucas lays in his bog on a Sunday afternoon.

"Which would actually be a more worthwhile purchase than a ticket to The Phantom Menace in 3D," he added, "At least a turd laying in the bottom of the pan won't start flying at you in the form of Ewan McGregor doing a poor impersonation of Alec Guinness."

Experts have estimated that the aforementioned movie will cause outbreaks of violence in cinemas across the world as thousands attempt to punch JarJar Binks in his stupid pink twattish face and end up hitting the person in front of them in the back of the head.

"It's led to many meetings with health and safety bodies," said Jake Lyndhall at the UK Film Council, "With any luck they'll decree the series as inciting hatred and rioting and that'll put a stop to Lucas.

"When I think of that man I have the disturbing mental image of a man raping his own child whilst holding his hand under it's mouth as it vomits currency. He really needs to be stopped."

But Lucas defends his decision, "I've made a lot of money off of one idea, and I was wondering how I could make even more. I've made three prequels that were proper monkey shit, five cartoon series, and approximately 1.3 billion videogames based on one franchise. But I didn't deter, I struggled on, I thought to myself 'How can I take this further? How can I squeeze this extraordinarily vacuous tit of some more delicious dollarmilk?'

"Then I saw Avatar and that James Cameron had made more money than an entire third world nation off the back of an overhyped gimmick and I thought 'Y'know what, that's how!'

"So I'm grabbing hold of that tit and squeezing it 'til it bleeds...go see Star Wars 3D."

Adam Sandler as Funny as an Abortion say Experts

Film and comedy critics around the world have announced that with the release of Grown Ups it is clear that Adam Sandler is as funny as a backstreet abortion of a healthy 24-week old foetus with a knitting needle.

Ho ho! ...it's all relative.

Film critic Paul Jackson said that upon viewing Sandler's latest release he "had a sudden screaming revelation. The revelation that something could be less funny than Little Nicky.

"Up until that point I had thought that this feat was a physical impossibility, like travelling faster than the speed of light. But this latest putrid dog turd of a movie was so bad I broke three toes, curling them up whilst cringing at Chris Rock ruining his reputation."

Another critic noted, "I have seen less childishness in a playground, less misogyny in the Koran and more moral fibre in Mein Kampf.

"But most of all, I've been to funerals that were more entertaining than this pile of shit."

So bad is the film, that it has urged a Channel 4 show into production entitled Top 100 Things That Are More Fun than Watching Grown Ups. The list includes timeless classics such as route canal surgery and wiping your arse with sandpaper but some enlightening interviews with Z-listers including Davina McCall, Cat Deeley and every person to ever enter the Big Brother house has revealed some more obscure choices such as:

• Having an endoscopy. (David Letterman)
• Vacuuming the Sahara desert. (James Caan)
• Dunking my balls into an operating blender. (Jeremy Clarkson)
• Watching someone else read. (Hillary Duff)
• Trying to eat air. (Miley Cyrus)
• Inserting Excalibur into my japseye. (John Tickle)
• Feeling my fingernails grow. (Ryan Reynolds)
• Severing our arse cheeks and sitting in a pool of vinegar. (T4 Presenters)
• Performing fellatio on a banker and telling him "Now I get to suck you dry, you naughty, naughty boy!" (Joe McElderry)

Jake Lyndhall, a recruitment consultant from Essex who had just seen Grown Ups, commented outside the cinema: "Once upon a time when I was about ten years old I was walking home from school. It was getting dark and I bumped into Alex Barnfield, the local school bully, he was one of those people who had the physique of a Minotaur at the age of eleven. He chased me for four or five miles through back alleys, cornfields and dense woodland.

"Eventually I spied a tree stump next to a fence, the one thing I had over Alex Barnfield was my ability to jump, I had recently been awarded the certificate for being the best high jumper in form 6B. It was a high fence but I thought 'I can do this! This will separate us and I will lose him and not get my head caved in by that brute of young man.'

"I used the stump as a launch pad and my adrenaline drenched thigh muscles dispensed all their strength into ascending me over that fence.

"99% of me made it over that fence. Unfortunately the 1% that didn't was my two testicles that remained hung by the spermatic chord on a rusty nail as I screamed with incomprehensible pain in Mrs. Peterson's back garden.

"Once he had climbed the fence Alex Barnfield called an ambulance, the event induced sympathy out of person who is now in Whitemoor maximum security prison for excessive GBH. As he was in Mrs Peterson's house making the call her dog came out, licked my groin injuries and then sqautted and shat on my face leaving me partially blind in one eye.

"Yet all that, all that I went through, was like having a full body massage from Megan Fox with a happy ending compared to watching Grown Ups.

"I now don't know who I hate more in life, Alex Barnfield, Adam Sandler or Mrs Peterson's dog."

Shock as Helena Bonham Carter to Star in New Tim Burton Film

There were audible gasps at a press conference today as Hollywood director Tim Burton announced that Helena Bonham-Carter will star in his forthcoming film, Alice in Wonderland. The decision, which is perceived by many in the film business to be a risk for Burton, has been met by a mixture of disbelief and shock.

This announcement is to be followed by a series of other surprises which will be

Who'd have guessed it?

announced by Burton in the coming days. There have been suggestions that he may cast Johnny Depp opposite Bonham Carter, although this has been dismissed by Hollywood insiders as “ludicrous”.

Burton is determined to market Alice in Wonderland as a new break for him, away from his usual jolly, light-hearted approach. Those who have seen early shots of the film, have called it “dark” and “disturbing”. Burton himself commented “this is an experiment for me, I want to get away from previous films I’ve been involved in, and make a completely new name for myself. I’m hiring new actors, and there will be a totally different look and feel to this film. I mean the make up department has only ordered two things, blue lipstick and white facepowder. Totally different!”

Industry insiders say that Burton may even be in talks with composer Danny Elfman to supply the music to the latest film. If true this really would transform Burton’s film making into a new genre.

One moviegoer commented, “I’m really excited about this, I mean, wow, who would have thought, Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp in a Tim Burton film, it's insane. I’ve heard Danny Elfman might do the music as well, so it's going to sound precisley like Edward Scissorhands. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

Suggestions that Helena Bonham Carter is sleeping with her new director have been dismissed by her agent. A spokesman said, “They’re married, of course they’re not sleeping together”.