Millions Cringe as FIFA SG tries to Shag Hollywood Actress

Millions of people all around the world tuned in to what they thought was going to be the draw for the 2010 FIFA World Cup, which will be held in South Africa later next year. Instead they were presented with the most cringe worthy spectacle of a rich, middle-aged twat trying to chat up Hollywood stunner Charlize Theron.

Miss. Theron introduced FIFA secretary general Jérôme Valcke, to the stage who appeared with the leering eyes of a rapist. He then swiftly made his way to centre stage and gave her two lingering kisses that were more moist than a square meter of the Amazon rainforest. "Two," he said smiling and licking his dirty chops. Turning to the audience he smiled and shrugged as if to say "What? I am French," to which half the viewing public shouted at their TVs "Yeah, we fucking guessed!"

Valcke's IP address was
reportedly linked to this photo.

Yet, embarrassing himself once was not enough. In the style of a young Liverpudlian trying to get laid in a bar, he began slipping out football facts and testing Theron on said subject matter. To his befuddlement she was not amazed but simply embarrassed and disturbed.

"I do not understand why she did not succumb to my natural French charm," he said after the ceremony, "Does having lots of money, licking one's ear and having the face of a paedophile not attract women any more?"

The BBC and indeed FIFA itself received a flood of complaints during the show's airing. Jake Lyndhall from Kent said, "It was bloody disgusting! I felt more revolted watching this year's draw than when I watched Deliverance, Scum and The Accused all in one night."

Whilst Will Jackson from Yorkshire said, "If you pause it on Sky+ right after the third time you've puked then you can see him give her arse a little pinch. Honestly, go and have a look!"

Meanwhile, hospitals across the world have received a surge of patients whose teeth have cracked and eyelids turned inside out from cringing too much. One victim recounted, "I couldn't help it. It was just so embarrassing to watch this huge French tosser be so stereotypically cheesy. I was this close to gouging my eyes out when Charlize said, 'My, you are just a fact machine aren't you?' and looked at the audience as if to say 'Is this guy fucking kidding?'"

He added: "I bet he's gone home and knocked one out to that J'adore perfume advert. You perverted French bastard!"

Miss. Theron's agent said that she was not available for comment however she assured everyone that she has taken the appropriate action of "a hot shower every fifteen minutes to wash away the grease until she can be inspected by medical professionals for any eggs he may have laid inside her."

Shock as Helena Bonham Carter to Star in New Tim Burton Film

There were audible gasps at a press conference today as Hollywood director Tim Burton announced that Helena Bonham-Carter will star in his forthcoming film, Alice in Wonderland. The decision, which is perceived by many in the film business to be a risk for Burton, has been met by a mixture of disbelief and shock.

This announcement is to be followed by a series of other surprises which will be

Who'd have guessed it?

announced by Burton in the coming days. There have been suggestions that he may cast Johnny Depp opposite Bonham Carter, although this has been dismissed by Hollywood insiders as “ludicrous”.

Burton is determined to market Alice in Wonderland as a new break for him, away from his usual jolly, light-hearted approach. Those who have seen early shots of the film, have called it “dark” and “disturbing”. Burton himself commented “this is an experiment for me, I want to get away from previous films I’ve been involved in, and make a completely new name for myself. I’m hiring new actors, and there will be a totally different look and feel to this film. I mean the make up department has only ordered two things, blue lipstick and white facepowder. Totally different!”

Industry insiders say that Burton may even be in talks with composer Danny Elfman to supply the music to the latest film. If true this really would transform Burton’s film making into a new genre.

One moviegoer commented, “I’m really excited about this, I mean, wow, who would have thought, Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp in a Tim Burton film, it's insane. I’ve heard Danny Elfman might do the music as well, so it's going to sound precisley like Edward Scissorhands. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

Suggestions that Helena Bonham Carter is sleeping with her new director have been dismissed by her agent. A spokesman said, “They’re married, of course they’re not sleeping together”.

Roland Emmerich to make 'Macbeth'

Visionary filmmaker Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow) has signed up to create a silver screen version of the classic Shakespearean tragedy Macbeth.

Emmerich says that he is looking forward to starting the project after he completes his latest blockbuster 2012, a movie about the Mayan prophecy that soon the shit is really going to hit the fan - something that many film critics predict will happen to a much worse degree on November 13th 2009, the movie's release date. One critic, Jake Lyndall commented, "I obviously haven't seen it yet but I am so confident that it will be the worst piece of faeces this side of the apocalypse that I have bet Larry in the pub fifty quid, my wife, child and half of my right testicle that this will be the case."

Emmerich stated that his vision of Macbeth may be a little different to previous productions: "The plot will obviously remain true to the genius of Shakespeare. However, in previous envisions of the play, Macbeth's world falls apart subjectively, too him alone, on a mental level. I thought we could extrapolate that to a literal sense so the audience witnesses his tragic downfall against a backdrop of earthquakes, tsunamis and basically poorly rendered CGI shit flying about.

"It will be something new," he added, "an area of storytelling I don't think I've ventured into before."

Others are not so happy at the news. Sir Christopher Bland, the head of the Royal Shakespeare Company has already sworn that if the film gets the green light he will strangle Emmerich with the first edition film print of Independence Day, before blowing his brains out whilst everyone involved in the project is forced to watch. Bland commented: "As soon as I heard about it I rang [Emmerich] up to see how he was approaching the film. Three minutes in he told me that King Duncan will be a computer generated alien and before Macbeth kills him he says 'Now let's see how well yo dead green ass can rule Scotland!' I've since been arrested by the CIA because I mentioned thirty-six of the thirty-nine key 'terrorist words' in the following two minutes of the phone conversation."

When questioned, Emmerich assured Shakespeare fans to remain calm because his Macbeth will also be released in 3D, "So everything is just fine."