Tony Blair's Memoirs Retitled "A Journey to the Centre of Hell"

Tony Blair's memoirs which are to be released on Wednesday have gone through two title reformations, from The Journey to A Journey and finally, A Journey to the Centre of Hell.

"I don't give a shit if you're Catholic."

The issue surrounding the title of the book as been laid down to various marketing strategies by publisher Random House. A spokesman said: "The concern originally was that the 'The Journey' sounded too egocentric, some said it was even approaching messianic so we made the snap decision to change it to 'A Journey'.

"However, when we thought about it for a while we said to each other 'hang on, Tony Blair isn't messianic at all, he's the opposite. The bloke's an absolute bastard!' so we added on '...to the Centre of Hell' because that's certainly where he's heading."

Another major alteration to the book will be a 500 page epilogue that has been written by a ghost writer describing Tony's future journey through the nine layers of Lucifer's evil domain. Readers can enjoy detailed descriptions of how he will face Cerberus, the three headed demon dog before swimming through a thirty mile lake of fire only to be tortured by faceless harpies for eternity using a pineapple, a pair of rusty wire cutters and a naked spectre of Ann Widecombe.

"Tony wasn't entirely happy with this addition," said the Random House spokesman Jake Lyndhall, "but y'know, we've got books to shift and we want to appeal to a demographic that consists of more than sixty year old Telegraph readers and Oxbridge students called Ralph and Edgar.

"Oh, and also we've removed his opening quote which was originally,  

"All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions." - Adlai E. Stevenson

and replaced it with...

bastard noun

1. A person born out of wedlock.
2. A viscous, despicable or thoroughly unliked person. 

         e.g. Oi Frank, isn't that Tony Blair a right bastard!
                Yeah, what a cunt.

"He didn't like that much either," added Mr. Lyndhall.

Critics are already raving about the book and especially the epilogue, one noted "a great bit" towards the end "where he has to face his own sins in the third circle of hell and so he gets to experience what it's like to have armed soldiers bust down his front door and murder his wife whilst a mortar shell blows his childrens' arms and legs off.

"That was top stuff!"

Facebook Expand Orwellian Empire

Personal details guzzler Facebook have released a new feature that tracks where you are, what you're doing and what kind of toilet paper you use to wipe your arse, it was revealed today.

Big Brother is Watching You

The feature, entitled 'Places' will allow Facebook users to update their status with their current location on the Earth's surface which the social media giant says "will significantly enhance their social experience".

However, today Mark Zuckerberg, the smug little nerdy shit who founded Facebook, admitted that it was all a guise in order to gain even more precious personal details of half a billion people.

"Facebook profiles have become ID cards on a global scale," he said chuckling, "and the best thing is they're voluntary!

"We've expanded our ID scheme slowly and have successfully made 500 million people tell us absolutely everything about them. People forget that when Facebook started all you put in was your name, university and a picture of you petting your cat. Now I can tell you where any Facebook user is at this exact moment, as well as who they are romantically engaged with and which nostril they picked this morning.

"Come on, test me!" he added laughing manically, "TEST ME!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAGH!!"

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Political Sciences at the University of Stratton has warned against this for a long time: "I started growing weary of Facebook back in 2008 when they seemed to think it was perfectly fine to start splashing your personal details around like a drunk scouser having a slash.

"Every company with a name has a Facebook application so that they can access every little bit of information about you, you reckon the CIA and MI5 don't have access to that also? Herr Zuckerburg was only talking to the Prime Minister and President Obama a few weeks ago!

"They are literally ID cards, think about it; you have a unique ID number, your actual name, your gender, age, where you were educated, where you grew up, what you enjoy doing and even your taste in books, music and movies. That's more than they could fit on a sodding ID card and the ironic thing is we've gone to the fucking trouble of making them ourselves!

"All these people were protesting in Whitehall a year ago about Gordon Brown trying to introduce ID cards and they were updating their statuses at the same time - 'In Whitehall telling the government to shove their Orwellian policies up their arse! Hands off our personal details!' - you bloody idiots! You've already given it all to them with a nice updated profile picture of you causing drunken havoc in Baskingstoke town centre!"

Zuckerberg commented: "The best thing about people is that 99% of them won't give two squirts of piss if something infringes upon their basic human rights as long as it makes telling their friends about their pointless little lives that much easier."

Music gets you Muntered, reveals Daily Mail

British tabloid paper The Daily Mail, has revealed the shocking news that listening to some music on YouTube can get you absolutely spanked off your tits.

Only 79p on iTunes!

The report is being taken seriously by the appropriate authorities, the police have said that they are now "fully committed to clamping down on what has been dubbed 'i-Dosing'."

However, some Daily Mail readers are not satisfied with such responses. Lindsay Gloin who lives in a tiny apartment that she never leaves for fear of being stabbed and/or raped, said, "They get access to these i-Doses on YouTube, and the police have admitted that you can't ban videos on there just because they have a tempo of 5900 beats per minute and were made by a German.

"So if we can't ban i-Doses how the hell are we going to get round to banning all the other things like premarital sex, fun and Asian people?"

Unlike the Daily Mail we found an "i-Doser" to talk to about his traumatic experiences with the digital drug. "I started not by using but by dealing. I'd knock up thirty hardcore trance tunes a day on my iMac and deal them out on CDs in Camden. If people came to my house I could give them sixty tracks on a flash drive as a package deal.

"One day the temptation got too much and I plugged-in to sample my own shit. After that I was hooked - it's like any drug, you know it's bad but you can't help going back. Of course I knew that the sound of 60 layered bass synths transposed over the top off a dude repeating 'Himmelsreise in meinem Kopf' was utter shit, it sounded like a robot being raped, but I couldn't help it and would return to those ear buds time and time again.

"Eventually I was found on top of some high rise flats in Hackney flapping my arms screaming that I was going to fly to Alpha Centuari 'im meine Rocketship!'"

Local police officer Paul Jackson said, "It's cases like this young man's that show the danger of i-Dosing and we must thank all those, and especially The Daily Mail, who have brought such a genuine threat to our attention.

"Thank you The Daily Mail for not being infested with the shitty kind of diatribe that the other papers are simply to make gargantuan amounts of money off of petrified, mentally challenged xenophobes.

"We salute you!"

Sarah Palin talks "Utter Nonsense", say Experts

Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska, has been exposed by top political scientists for "making about as much sense as a cellophane Maxi pad."

"Counting's easy!"

The controversial statement has been made at a time when Palin is strongly rumoured to be the Republican Presidential candidate for 2012. Professor Paul Jackson says the move was intentional: "I find it very worrying that there is even the remotest possibility that our next president could be a person whose idea of a foreign policy is being intimate with the rules of ice hockey."

Yet, the thought of a Palin presidency does not only worry experts. Matt Doman, a father of three from New Jersey said, "Does this woman think dinosaurs were here four thousand years ago? Seriously, someone ask her. This is very important, because she's gonna have access to the nuclear codes!"

"The problem with Palin," Jackson commented, "is that not even she knows what the hell she is talking about."

Palin is expected to release a book later this summer containing all the buzzwords she spews out when she doesn't know what the green and blue fuck is going on...which is 98.5% of her waking life. Words include "policy", "foreign", "weapons of mass destruction" and for a limited time only comes with The Mini Dictionary of Sarah Palin's Coined Words - now you too can increase religious hatred between two races by "refudiating" the building of a Mosque on ground zero!

"You ask her a question and she'll start firing out these random political phrases regardless of whether or not they are at all relevant," explained Professor Jackson.

"Oh, that and also she's thicker than a the walls of a nuclear submarine," he added.

Babies Sue Johnson's Shampoo

Babies across the world have united to file a class action lawsuit against the shampoo producer Johnson's.

"This is bullshit!"

The infants' reason for suing the cosmetic giant is "for false advertising" and "making us cry a lot more than we expected."

One of the leaders of the campaign, Jake Lyndhall aged 2, commented: "Not only have they advertised on television, billboards and other mainstream media that their products produce 'No More Tears' but they have plastered it on the front of every bottle of the wretched stuff since day one.

"So what were we to expect? When my Mummy lathered the stuff into my hair I was fine at first, thinking this isn't like the others, it says 'No More Tears' on the bottle, I can see that.

"Then out of of nowhere a small drop of water infused with Johnson's falsely advertised magma dripped straight into the corner of my left eye. I thought that dinosaur from the first Jurassic Park had just spat that black goo in my face like it did to the fat man.

"Did I cry? Cry?! I let my Mum fucking have it! It was like having the ninth circle of hell in my eye!" he added.

Johnson's have admitted to creating a product "which only works for a certain proportion of the baby public". A spokesman said, "We meant the slogan to be a light-hearted catchphrase and we apologise if it doesn't ring true for all of our consumer base.

"However, to be honest they are a touchy bunch of brats to take it seriously. I mean saying that you've invented a shampoo that doesn't sting when it goes in your eyes is like saying you've invented chips that taste good and only contain five calories, or a bra that isn't an absolute ball ache for men to take off.

"These things just don't happen, the kids are in fairy tale land!"

"He's got some bloody cheek," responded baby Jake on reading the statement on his Fisher Price laptop, "I should be in fairy tale land but I can hardly delve into the escapism of Peter Pan as read by my Mummy when I've got three tonnes of Johnson's Agent fucking Orange in my sockets still causing me grief!

"It was even one of those books where you get cues to press the buttons and Tinkerbell tinkles and Hook says something really nasty - but even mashing them into oblivion until it drives my parents insane couldn't take my mind off the utter suffering emblazoned upon my vision by Mr. Johnson!

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" he added.

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