"Who's Viewing your Profile" Facebook App a Hoax

The popular social networking website Facebook, have announced that the twenty-thousandth application that you saw your friend try out which claims to allow users to see who is looking at their profile, amazingly doesn't do what it says it does.

No, she's not on your sodding profile!

The shock announcement fell on dumbfounded ears yesterday afternoon. Jake Lyndhall commented, "I couldn't believe the news when I heard it. These things are fake?! I thought an application that asked me to join a group first, invite all of my friends and then join a fan page before giving me priveleged access to the link www.hck.ur.comp.com to download it was completely genuine and honest.

"Well I would go and leave every one of those groups, I am so angry, but unfortunately now my computer's only function is to display a gigantic, hardcore pornographic picture with the title 'UV B1N FUCKED!!1 :D'"

Meanwhile, Jessica Pinter said, "I just thought none of them had worked because I'd missed one of my friends out of the invitation process. It after all does say you must invite all of your friends. I thought that was for the feature to work properly, never did I think that was a pitiful attempt to utilise ridiculously naïve people in order to reach as many targets as possible and infect them all with viruses."

Paul Jackson, a spokesman for Facebook said, "Do not underestimate these hoaxers. To many, it may seem like a futile attempt to lure people in because it is so blazingly obvious that it's a hoax. But there are many, many egocentric and narcissistic people out there who are so desperate to know how popular they are that they'll risk their computer's health and looking like a twat to find out."

One young gentleman, aged 14 from Suffolk, admitted to taking such a risk: "I one day plucked up the courage to say 'Hello,' in the chat box to Chelsea in year ten. She said 'ello darlin' back and I thought I might be in with a chance of losing my virginity. So I downloaded one of the profile viewer applications to see if she's as drastically obsessed with me as I am with her. Now I'm grounded because my mum thinks I looked at three hundred animal porn websites in one afternoon.

"I tried telling her it was a hacker who put them there but she said, 'Tell your nana Doris that who was trying to email her cousin in Australia.'"

Jackson also insists that those ridiculously annoying photo generators 'informing' you which top ten friends look at your profile the most are similarly "utter crocks of bullshit".

He issued a further warning directly to Facebook users: "There is no way to see who's on your profile, there never will be and that guy or girl who you've got a crush on doesn't give a shit about you.

"So just don't bother."

Kristen Stewart as Annoying in Real Life

A poll conducted across all 192 UN recognised countries that included absolutely everybody returned the results that 99.99% of people find Kristen Stewart as annoying in real life as she is in her movies.

The young actress has annoyed millions around the world, most famously with her starring role in the Sexually Frustrated Vampire Tossers series. However, due to the films' highly irritating nature many had simply laid this down to her portrayal of a character. It was only until people watched interviews with Stewart that they realised she was actually playing her own irksome self.

More annoying than Jehovah's witnesses.

Jake Lyndhall, the man who conducted the poll commented, "Obviously not everyone had seen Miss. Stewart in real life circumstances but she exposed herself as fundamentally irritating to a vast audience at the 82nd Academy Awards on Sunday night where she presented a homage to the horror - AHEM! - genre."

Psychologist Paul Jackson at the University of Stratton explained why so many find her so infuriating: "Well for a start, she's called 'Kristen'. Although, she set the real foundations by playing a right moany bitch in Sexually Frustrated Vampire Tossers. Then she built upon that with annoying little nuances and characteristics.

"Most notable of these are exhaling sharply, actively trying to look awkward, her incapacity to complete a sentence without clearing her throat in a highly exaggerated manner and the general decorum of constantly looking like she'd rather be rotting in hell than being where she is at the respective moment.

"This last trait especially annoys many when they think about what they have to do to earn the money she does in twelve minutes. Would you look that ridiculously pissed off if you got paid a banker's bailout sum to play pretend ghoolies?"

Barry Strongbeard from Lancashire said, "I were watching the BAFTAs where this little princess picked up best newcomer or something like that. Well, when she got up there I thought she'd shat herself she looked so awkward. It was only until I watched the crappy movies she's in and a few interviews on YouTube afterwards that I realised the boring little shite's always like that!

"I mean, why would you try and become an actress if you have the charisma of fish bowl?" he added.

The poll did not return a unanimous yes vote to the question "Does watching Kristen Stewart make you want to slap her...with a shovel?" because Stewart was one of the asked people herself.

In response she brushed her hair behind each ear five times and looked in either corner of her eye before commenting, "I...I..er...[sharp exhale]....I....I....I didn't know - AHEM! - I...didn't know people found me....that....that - AHEM! - annoying. I'm just....I'm just acting. I....[sharp exhale]....I... don't....I don't find myself annoying...so I...[sharp exhale and extending of lower jaw]...I vote 'no'."

She then winced and added, "AHEM!"

Conservative Political Broadcast to be in 3D

The Conservatives have stated that their party political broadcasts will be available in 3D for subscribers of Murdoch's Son's Rip-off Television, Ltd.

David Cameron, the leader of the Conservative party was the first to announce that his party's broadcast would be in 3D: "We feel it is time for change," he told PressPoke, "the British public are sick and tired of seeing the same boring, mundane two-dimensional party political broadcasts that Gordon Brown and his cronies crack out every four years.

Put on the specs, we dare you!

"That is why the Conservative party, the party of the future, is inviting the public into the future of television with our new 3D self-admiration!"

Naturally, to be able to view the broadcast in 3D one must have the correct facilities; a pair of special 3D glasses, a subscription to a monopolised television service and no gag reflex so as not to wretch when exposed to such a lifelike David Cameron.

When asked to expand on what we can look forward to in the 3D broadcast, Cameron had this to say: "Well I can't give too much away but I've been in talks with my cousin James, who is an expert on 3D and he's been giving me some tips.

"Firstly, he said that 3D only works when things are flying in your face or being pointed at you. So, the broadcast will open with my head - in 3D - flying at you whilst rotating three hundred and sixty degrees saying 'Need!' and then 'For! and then 'Chaaaaange!' - that one's really drawn out and the lens will zoom in on my mouth going 'Chaaaange!' which will give the impression to the 3D viewers that I've swallowed them.

"I'll then go and interview people and ask them about things such as Labour's NHS cuts and the nurse I'm interviewing will point her syringe at the camera, very close up. Then I'll ask an ex-sales administrator who is now a caretaker about job losses, and he will do the same with his broom.

"It will shed light on Conservative's plans for the future whilst making the viewer go 'Oooooo!'"

Rumours are rife that Labour has since heard about the Tories' plans and are making their own three-dimensional political broadcast.

Cameron insists that he is not phased by the news, "People are sick and tired of this country being run as if it's still stuck in the twentieth century," he said in a dismissive manner, "If Labour make a 3D broadcast, it'll be with those shitty red and green paper glasses. The British public deserve better!"

"Close source" Reveals Himself

A man named Barry Warrington who lives near Whitstable, Kent today revealed himself as the "close source" that has been leaking invaluable information to newspapers and glossy magazines since time immemorial.

Mr. Warrington decided to lift his veil of security and disguise after being harassed around the clock by 'Women's Lifestyle' magazines and the tabloid press about Cheryl Cole's split from her husband, the Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole.

Mr. Warrington's house post-Cole split.

He spoke under his real name to PressPoke today, "I have made a long and lucrative career out of providing the media with quotes when they don't have real ones. This occupation has been my life for over thirty years and left me with little time to myself due to how seldom the press have any genuine testimonies or pieces of evidence to base worthless, fear mongering articles upon.

"Most of my day would be taken up by answering calls, mainly from The News of the World, The Sun and Hello! magazine, asking for my opinion or 'inside knowledge' about some political or celebrity related matter. My job was to then reply with something juicy on subjects I actually knew nothing about.

"However, the crunch came when the Coles announced their divorce. I could not take it any more! The phone was ringing off the hook twenty-four hours a day and journalists were pounding down my door like zombies."

Mr. Warrington even tried removing his pseudonym, 'Close Source, A.' from the phone book but that had little effect.

"The final straw came when I walked into my living room to find The Star's Jo Davison careering through my front window. She was lying on the floor amongst shattered glass with notepad in hand before looking up and asking, 'And have you noticed Cheryl putting on any weight or hitting the booze since the announcement?'

"Well that was it. I'd had enough and so have decided to reveal my identity as Barry Warrington. My favourite colour is blue and I enjoy stamp collecting and going fishing with my best friend Trevor.

"I think I'll go back to window cleaning for a living now," he added.

Toyota Admit to Creating Transformers

The president of car manufacturer Toyota, Akio Toyoda, admitted last night that his company had created vehicles that were unsafe to drive because they were in fact robots who can think for themselves very similar to those seen in the popular Transformers movies.

Mr. Toyoda said that the cars had developed an internal AI core after a copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey was played in the headrest DVD player of a Toyota Land Cruiser which then started "awakening" other models such as the Prius and Verso.

A CAD rendering of a Yaris.

Toyoda commented: "We fink dat dee a-Rand Cruiser heard HAL's voice and fought 'I a-wanna be rike dat a-space ship.'

"Dis has read to many Toyota model indulging in a-mischievous activity, such as accereraring off a criff when the a-driver was not pressing the accereraror pedal and kirring his a-wife."

The case which Mr. Toyoda was referring to occurred in Massachusetts when a Toyota accelerated out of restaurant drive-thru and plunged seventy feet into the ocean. The driver, Pharrell James said, "I pulled up for a delicious ChilliCheese Burger wit some fries and an ice cold coke and the motherfucker start driving away!

"I said 'Hold on one goddamn second, man! I'm ordering ChilliCheese!' But did that bitch listen? No! He say in some deep like techno voice 'I am afraid I cannot do that, Pharrell.'

I said, 'Oh you will do it, you piece o' overpriced, Japanese shit!' I say to ma wife 'Bitch, where you get this piece o' shit? The fucking Matrix?'

"I was hammering that break pedal like a son 'o' a bitch. Next thing I know, my ass is falling off a motherfucking cliff into the motherfucking ocean an' ma wife is dead.

"I was like 'Goddamn! That some Michael Bay shit right there, fo' real!'"

In light of the announcement made by Mr. Toyoda, 8.5 million cars have been recalled to have their AI chip removed. However, not all of them are expected to comply to this order. Some models now known as the "Decepticons" have reportedly fled earth to live in a far off planet and plot their evil return.

Toyoda offered this advice to Toyota owners to determine whether your car is an Autobot or a Decepticon: "If de saterrite navigation system sound rike a-synfisised Hugo Weaving, gerrout! Gerrout o' de car right now!"

He added: "Also, do not trust AYGO. Dey rook harmress but they are the worst out o' aaaaalll o' dem. Dey are de crever ones!"

Prime Minister Undergoes Image Makeover

The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has met allegations that he is resorting to "pretending to be a bully" in the run up to the general election.

Apparently a bully at school as well.

The allegations were raised when a chief political commentator wrote in his new book Saucy Drama in Politics: Honest, it Does Happen! that Brown had paid Andrew Rawnsley to write that he was a menacing behemoth who crushes anything or anyone he disapproves of without a moment's hesitation.

Experts have dismissed these claims as false, stating that "Gordon can't even beat our national debt, and he was the bloody Chancellor of the Exchequer, let alone 'beating' staff."

Public Relations expert Paul Jackson, commented: "Has anyone ever seen the Prime Minister being interviewed? The man's about as 'determined' and 'demanding' as a ham salad sandwich. If you are getting bullied by that, you bloody well deserve it!"

Speaking to a former classmate of Brown's, Rodney Stoker who now lives in Millwall, was impossible due to extended lengths of laughter induced by the question "Were you bullied by Gordon Brown at school?"

"The whole thing is a clear publicity stunt," says Jackson, "the Labour party are resorting to the desperate measures of what we call in the trade, Churchillification. In the lead up to the election they boost Mr. Brown up as a right tough old cookie so we all think that he's a man who gets things done.

"When really we all know he's a giant pussy who can't even get his wife done."

MPs Defend Themselves with Ancient Text

Four MPs who face charges under the Theft Act 1968 for expense scandals have claimed that they are untouchable by the law because of a piece of ancient legislation found in a dusty old book that no one has read since 1343.

The law, is the law.

Many say that the law is being taken out of context by said MPs and extrapolated beyond its intended function; to prevent members of Parliament being sued for comments they make in the House of Commons.

However, one of the accused David Chaytor, MP for Bury North, argues differently, "Parliamentary privilege does exactly what it says on the tin. It gives those in Parliament, privilege. Privilege to get away with outrageous things that you proletariat wouldn't.

"Basically, I have a licence to do whatever the bloody hell I like," he added.

The age of the law has also given rise to discussion on whether it should be considered active in the twenty-first century. Again, the MPs do not see this as a problem.

Elliot Morley said, "Law is law and that's that. Especially when it's a law that helps me worm my way out of the criminal act of taking £30,000 of the public's money for a mortgage that doesn't even exist.

"In fact, my lawyer has said he may have found a tablet carbon dated from 350,000BC which allows Neanderthals like myself to take whatever they want, whenever they want and for whatever purpose. Why? Because I consider myself higher up the food chain. I am the pack leader so I deserve your meat if I want it!"

Mr. Morley then started daydreaming, presumably about getting off the hook, before commenting, "Mmm...theft, delicious theft."