'Deal or No Deal' Set to Undergo Gas Chamber Conversion

Due to popular demand the set of Channel 4's Deal or No Deal is to be turned into a fully functional gas chamber in time for the next series, a spokesman confirmed today.

The conversion has been commissioned and heavily funded by the government after the home office had been put under pressure on the issue of overpopulation in the lead up to the general election. A Labour spokesperson said, "Immigration has been proven to be beneficial to the country and our economy so we really don't want to stop letting people in. However, this would lead to vast overpopulation so we have decided that every day we will execute worthless cretins whose only care in life is money and getting on TV.

"And you get top notch entertainment. It's killing two birds with one stone, except one of them isn't a bird but an estranged spinster from Wolverhampton.

Yeah, you wait 'til the credits roll.

The logistics of the show itself will also undergo a revamp, the most notable being the addition of three new boxes which contain different forms of capital punishment. The show's producer explains: "These new boxes will be green and have a picture relating to their respective penalties. One will be an electric chair, another will be hanged, drawn and quartered, and finally death by stoning.

"But, even if they get the two-fifty thou we're gonna gas the fuckers anyway," he added.

Extra, non-lethal, punishment comes in the form of five million volts which will be passed through the subject's body if they cry, offer soppy advice or make a pathetic attempt at rhyming before the commercial break. This shock will last for exactly one second, however five seconds will be administered if they start laughing manically and breaking down because they think they've got their greasy hands on so much stinking money.

Once again Channel 4 promise than none will get away: "At the end of each show the contestant will get a call from the banker and Noel will pick it up and say, 'He says that you're fucked - and it's non-negotiable.'

"And at the end of the series we'll do Edmonds in as well."

Investigation to Uncover if Taxpayers' Money was Used to Fund Extremists

The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today pledged to launch a “deep and thorough investigation” into claims made by the Conservative leader David Cameron that taxpayers' money had been used to fund extremist groups.

In a statement to the House of Commons during Prime Minister’s questions yesterday Mr Cameron outlined how Government money had been given to political extremist groups around the country. Several hundred members of these groups, known as “The Conservative Party” and “The Labour Party”, had been found to be in receipt of billions of pounds of taxpayer’s money.

It has been reported in intelligence dossiers from police that these groups have one representative in each part of the country, and around them a cell of radical, volunteer activists known as a “constituency party”.

Many have fallen victim to these radical satellite terrorist cells. Reports show that these groups terrorise their local neighbourhoods with petitions to stop bypasses being built, or invitations to coffee mornings and fund raisers.

According to one serving MI5 agent, these groups have infiltrated the very heart of British Government, he said, “they’re everywhere, I’ve even heard that there are members of these “parties” within the House of Commons, and some have suggested they might even be in the House of Lords”.

Intelligence analysts have suggested that other groups may also be in receipt of Government money, such as a Nationalist faction that claims to be in control in Scotland. One other British group is known to exist, calling itself "The Liberal Democrats", although in a statement Scotland Yard said they “could not be sure if it existed” and if it did it was “wholly insignificant”.

Blair Confirmed as "Full of Shit"

The Iraq Inquiry have confirmed that the previous Prime Minister of Great Britain Tony Blair, "is a hypocritical, lying little scum bag who is entirely full of horse shit", it was disclosed today.

It was revealed that Mr. Blair, who had told an entire nation and its allies that there were almost definitely weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, really knew that there was only three armed soldiers, a guard dog named Raheem and an arguably lethal looking tooth pick.

cunt noun
1. Female genitals. (vulgar)
2. This prick right here. (apt)

One member of the board of inquires stated: "He is basically guilty of all the stuff everyone speculated he was in the first place.

"But we bought his crap sandwich, ripped off the overpriced packaging and devoured its gloopy mess like the trusting public we are."

Other demeanour he is guilty of is telling Cherie he was at a meeting when he was actually out on the lash and stating he had "three 5s" in a game of Cheat when he in fact only had two 5s and a King.

Despite being accountable for 4,683 deaths (not including civilian casualties), and googols of war crimes it was admitted "he probably won't get anything in terms of punishment, in fact he'll probably be set up with a cushy job that pays in cash, delivered to his door in three HGVs every Monday morning.

"All he'll have as punishment is his conscience, which I believe is made of pure evil that is dipped in liquid helium and then moulded by the hands of Beelzebub."

"What it would take," said the world expert on utter arseholes, "is for the public to cry for blood. He has a reputation, millions of pounds and a shit ton of lawyers at his defence but if we all kicked and screamed hard enough we could nail this bastard to the Old Bailey.

"But Joe McElderry is still in The X Factor and is performing on Saturday so I doubt that'll happen."

Shock as Helena Bonham Carter to Star in New Tim Burton Film

There were audible gasps at a press conference today as Hollywood director Tim Burton announced that Helena Bonham-Carter will star in his forthcoming film, Alice in Wonderland. The decision, which is perceived by many in the film business to be a risk for Burton, has been met by a mixture of disbelief and shock.

This announcement is to be followed by a series of other surprises which will be

Who'd have guessed it?

announced by Burton in the coming days. There have been suggestions that he may cast Johnny Depp opposite Bonham Carter, although this has been dismissed by Hollywood insiders as “ludicrous”.

Burton is determined to market Alice in Wonderland as a new break for him, away from his usual jolly, light-hearted approach. Those who have seen early shots of the film, have called it “dark” and “disturbing”. Burton himself commented “this is an experiment for me, I want to get away from previous films I’ve been involved in, and make a completely new name for myself. I’m hiring new actors, and there will be a totally different look and feel to this film. I mean the make up department has only ordered two things, blue lipstick and white facepowder. Totally different!”

Industry insiders say that Burton may even be in talks with composer Danny Elfman to supply the music to the latest film. If true this really would transform Burton’s film making into a new genre.

One moviegoer commented, “I’m really excited about this, I mean, wow, who would have thought, Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp in a Tim Burton film, it's insane. I’ve heard Danny Elfman might do the music as well, so it's going to sound precisley like Edward Scissorhands. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

Suggestions that Helena Bonham Carter is sleeping with her new director have been dismissed by her agent. A spokesman said, “They’re married, of course they’re not sleeping together”.

Twilight Sequel funds Vampire World Domination

The latest film in the Twilight saga New Moon, has allowed the World Vampire Federation to amass enough funds to buy out the US and British governments, it was revealed late last night.

In its opening weekend New Moon generated so much money that it has completely resolved economic recessions in twenty-three different countries including the United States, Canada and Britain.

For Christ's sake, don't see Eclipse!

However, the net capital has been accumulated by the World Vampire Federation, the movie's main producer, acting under the pseudonym of Summit Entertainment.

Lord Drekul, the head of the WVF issued this statement: "It has taken us over five thousand years to get to this stage, but thanks to contemptible hormonal females we shall now take our just place as rulers of the world! Prepare for an age of death and darkness!"

When pressed on this issue he added, "Yes, that is right we don't drink the blood of animals like those pussies in the film. We made that bit up. Gaahahahaha!"

Many vampires were involved in making the film including author of the novels Stephenie Meyer and director, Chris Weitz. However, leading actor Robert Pattinson was confirmed as not being one of the undead: "He was the first sacrifice we made once the premier was over," said Drekul, "we plucked out his eyes and then severed his carotid artery and got totally hammered on his type O. It was awesome, I always hated that little cunt!"

Various world authorities now worried that the vampires' shadow of doom will spread have urged pithy little teenage girls to stop going back to the cinema for a second, third or sometimes even seventh viewing. "It doesn't matter how fit, heroic, pathetic or moany that dick head is," said the head of the United Nations, "if you want to be opening presents this Christmas and not your relatives' caskets then you better get your acts together.

"If New Moon continues to generate the revenue it has in its opening weekend then the WVF will be able to buy China. And then we are truly fucked!

"Have you seen Asian vampires?" he added, "They are like the Western ones, but faster and much more sadistic. Two billion of them chomping on your jugular is gonna make Nicole Brown's death look dignified."

However, many of Twilight's demographic will simply not listen. Mary, aged 17 from Kent said, "I don't care how much death and suffering there will be, if they exist I openly invite them to come and feast on my worthless heart which I have dedicated to Edward and Bella's love.

"Take me! Take me guardians of the night to your eternal underworld and I shall forever be a minion of evil!" she added.

Katie Price Officially the "First Cyborg", say Experts

British supermodel Katie Price, also known as Jordan, has been declared the "first cyborg" by the Department of Robotic Object Implementation Division (DROID).

The announcement was made when William Jackson, the head of DROID saw her inhuman ability to grab a starfish out of a pit of wreathing maggots on ITV1's I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!

"We'd always had our

Now compatible with customisable Apps.

suspicions about Ms. Price as a qualified cyborg," said Jackson, "because the definition demands that the entity be half human and half artificial. Well as you know, she has more plastic parts in her than my Smart car so that made her the perfect candidate.

"However, it was the behavioural aspect that needed clarifying and I'm a Celeb on Saturday night provided precisely that clarification."

Assistant Project Manager at DROID Jake Lyndhall, has now trawled through hours and hours of I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! Live. After coming round from the induced coma he had this to say: "In typical cyborg fashion she first of all imitated human behaviour by pretending to cry - but did you see a tear? Did you fuck!

"This façade was made even more obvious when she instantly switched off the waterworks. Even Colin McAllister noticed that and he's a fucking interior designer! Furthermore, he described her as 'Ironman' - coincidence? CO-incidence?! I think not!"

Price was voted by the public to retrieve a plastic starfish with her mouth from the bottom of a pool of viscous liquid, followed by a container filled with maggots. Her unwavering ability to do both has lead to Jackson's confirmation that she is in fact an android "like the ones you see in the movies, except she's useless and looks less natural."

However, other commentators have suggested that Jordan has an affinity for both sticky, white liquids and, from her marriage to Peter Andre small, pathetic, wriggly things in and around her mouth. Consequentially, they believe we should not be so quick to label her as a cyborg.

Carl Peterson from Croydon said, "I must have spent a total of eighteen hours in the past week sitting in front of my telly at 3AM rubbing my todger off to her. Are you trying to tell me that after all that, she's a fucking robot?!"

"Unfortunately for Mr. Peterson, that is in fact true," says Jackson, "her feedback loops told her that she picked up a husband on that show last time and now she has returned in true robotic style to hunt another.

"But the public has gone rogue against her forcing her to lots of nasty, dirty stuff over and over again. I can't think why. She may seem mentally unstable because of this but all she needs is a good old defragmenting."

A film is already in the works with Spielberg directing, called A.U. - Artificial Unintelligence. Megan Fox is set to play the central role and has to undergo seven hours of make up every day to make it look like she's had an industrial sized vat of acid chucked over her face.

'Andrew Marr's Silly Voices' to Get a Second Series

The BBC has given the green light to a second series of Andrew Marr's Silly Voices, a show where the journalist travels around Britain doing ludicrous impressions of twentieth century icons.

The decision has been backed by the huge ratings the first series has achieved, an audience largely compromised by smug Radio4 listeners who take delight in believing themselves to be more intelligent than the rest of the country.

Next series starts with Al Pacino.

BBC producer, Jake Lyndhall said, "Andrew Marr's Silly Voices has quite rightly taken the nation by storm. The formula of doing bad and hugely exaggerated impressions of famous historic people in no particular order is something fresh and innovative. Trust old Marr to think of that, eh?"

One viewer and avid Silly Voices fan had this to say, "I just love it how he is discussing the birth of radio one moment in Essex, then Churchill's refusal to hand Africa to the Nazis the next in Westminster, then the bloke who invented cheese in Leicestershire and then Churchill and the war again in Westminster!

"And all whilst making them sound like the outrageous stereotypes they were! Bloody genius, it is!" he added.

However, Professor William Jackson, the head of history at the University of Stratton feels the show is misleading: "I had a student today come up and ask me why I had never told the class that the invention of the motor car came after World War II.

"How anyone can think that telling us about a supposed orgy at Garsington manor between Bertrand Russell, Lord Asquith and Virginia Woolf is history, I do not know! And just so he can tenuously link it to a section where he does various awful Nottinghamshire accents in an attempt to impersonate DH Lawrence."

"The only thing that gives me comfort is that in a hundred years time there will be some journalist git with huge prosthetic lugs on quoting some banal piece of shit he said whilst sitting round the dinner table."

Yet, James McClayton from Devon says that show is educational, "I've learnt a lot watching Marr's show! I know exactly who shagged who and which figures were the most conceited, mouthy, yet undeniably witty bastards of the twentieth century.

"If that didn't make Britain, I don't know what did!"