George Lucas to Flog a Dead Horse in 3D

Filmmaker George Lucas is to film himself beating a dead horse with a smug face whilst a lot of naive pricks with Buddy Holly glasses watch him, he announced this week.

3D or not, could you just piss off!

The multimillionaire announced that this new film will take "selling the same product over and over again to the next level of disgusting, talentless capitalistic greed.

"It's an exciting prospect," he added.

The movie entitled Star Wars: An Old Rope is expected to make even more money alongside its prequels...or sequels or whatever the fuck they are. Social commentator and film critic Paul Jackson laid this capital phenomena down to what he called "imbeciles" who are "so short sighted and biased that they would buy the bricks George Lucas lays in his bog on a Sunday afternoon.

"Which would actually be a more worthwhile purchase than a ticket to The Phantom Menace in 3D," he added, "At least a turd laying in the bottom of the pan won't start flying at you in the form of Ewan McGregor doing a poor impersonation of Alec Guinness."

Experts have estimated that the aforementioned movie will cause outbreaks of violence in cinemas across the world as thousands attempt to punch JarJar Binks in his stupid pink twattish face and end up hitting the person in front of them in the back of the head.

"It's led to many meetings with health and safety bodies," said Jake Lyndhall at the UK Film Council, "With any luck they'll decree the series as inciting hatred and rioting and that'll put a stop to Lucas.

"When I think of that man I have the disturbing mental image of a man raping his own child whilst holding his hand under it's mouth as it vomits currency. He really needs to be stopped."

But Lucas defends his decision, "I've made a lot of money off of one idea, and I was wondering how I could make even more. I've made three prequels that were proper monkey shit, five cartoon series, and approximately 1.3 billion videogames based on one franchise. But I didn't deter, I struggled on, I thought to myself 'How can I take this further? How can I squeeze this extraordinarily vacuous tit of some more delicious dollarmilk?'

"Then I saw Avatar and that James Cameron had made more money than an entire third world nation off the back of an overhyped gimmick and I thought 'Y'know what, that's how!'

"So I'm grabbing hold of that tit and squeezing it 'til it bleeds...go see Star Wars 3D."

Adam Sandler as Funny as an Abortion say Experts

Film and comedy critics around the world have announced that with the release of Grown Ups it is clear that Adam Sandler is as funny as a backstreet abortion of a healthy 24-week old foetus with a knitting needle.

Ho ho! ...it's all relative.

Film critic Paul Jackson said that upon viewing Sandler's latest release he "had a sudden screaming revelation. The revelation that something could be less funny than Little Nicky.

"Up until that point I had thought that this feat was a physical impossibility, like travelling faster than the speed of light. But this latest putrid dog turd of a movie was so bad I broke three toes, curling them up whilst cringing at Chris Rock ruining his reputation."

Another critic noted, "I have seen less childishness in a playground, less misogyny in the Koran and more moral fibre in Mein Kampf.

"But most of all, I've been to funerals that were more entertaining than this pile of shit."

So bad is the film, that it has urged a Channel 4 show into production entitled Top 100 Things That Are More Fun than Watching Grown Ups. The list includes timeless classics such as route canal surgery and wiping your arse with sandpaper but some enlightening interviews with Z-listers including Davina McCall, Cat Deeley and every person to ever enter the Big Brother house has revealed some more obscure choices such as:

• Having an endoscopy. (David Letterman)
• Vacuuming the Sahara desert. (James Caan)
• Dunking my balls into an operating blender. (Jeremy Clarkson)
• Watching someone else read. (Hillary Duff)
• Trying to eat air. (Miley Cyrus)
• Inserting Excalibur into my japseye. (John Tickle)
• Feeling my fingernails grow. (Ryan Reynolds)
• Severing our arse cheeks and sitting in a pool of vinegar. (T4 Presenters)
• Performing fellatio on a banker and telling him "Now I get to suck you dry, you naughty, naughty boy!" (Joe McElderry)

Jake Lyndhall, a recruitment consultant from Essex who had just seen Grown Ups, commented outside the cinema: "Once upon a time when I was about ten years old I was walking home from school. It was getting dark and I bumped into Alex Barnfield, the local school bully, he was one of those people who had the physique of a Minotaur at the age of eleven. He chased me for four or five miles through back alleys, cornfields and dense woodland.

"Eventually I spied a tree stump next to a fence, the one thing I had over Alex Barnfield was my ability to jump, I had recently been awarded the certificate for being the best high jumper in form 6B. It was a high fence but I thought 'I can do this! This will separate us and I will lose him and not get my head caved in by that brute of young man.'

"I used the stump as a launch pad and my adrenaline drenched thigh muscles dispensed all their strength into ascending me over that fence.

"99% of me made it over that fence. Unfortunately the 1% that didn't was my two testicles that remained hung by the spermatic chord on a rusty nail as I screamed with incomprehensible pain in Mrs. Peterson's back garden.

"Once he had climbed the fence Alex Barnfield called an ambulance, the event induced sympathy out of person who is now in Whitemoor maximum security prison for excessive GBH. As he was in Mrs Peterson's house making the call her dog came out, licked my groin injuries and then sqautted and shat on my face leaving me partially blind in one eye.

"Yet all that, all that I went through, was like having a full body massage from Megan Fox with a happy ending compared to watching Grown Ups.

"I now don't know who I hate more in life, Alex Barnfield, Adam Sandler or Mrs Peterson's dog."

Mental Fascist Invades Britain

A mentally ill fascist bigot known as "Pope Benedict XVI" has invaded British shores and has been welcomed by three people who can't think for themselves and a border collie called Sally.

Lunatic.

The insane subject, who dresses completely in white, plans to tour around Britain in a giant vending machine on wheels, talking to his imaginary friend with anyone loony enough to join in with him. He will then tell us that we all need to talk to his imaginary friend, and if we don't, his imaginary friend will send us to another dimension made of fire for eternity.

On hearing this declaration Jake Lyndhall, a social worker from Croydon said: "Hmmm...sounds like the ravings of a proper maniac to me. Has he been on the crack?"

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Crazy Nutter Studies at the University of Stratton confirmed that Ratzinger is indeed mentally unstable. "The man talks to someone who can't be seen or heard, that is the first sign a schizophrenia. Many other factors also point towards mental instability, for example, he recently told people in Africa that condoms increase the spread of AIDS.

"Now, I understand he's the head of some religious organisation or something which means his whole purpose is to say statements based on absolutely nothing as if they were facts, but come on! Even for a Pope, that's fucking loonshit!"

Continuing on the tour, the Pope is expected to stop by and visit Ian Huntley and then Jamie Bulger's killers giving them a warm greeting and to apologise for "not getting to them in time" in order to give them "the cover up that they deserved".

The tour will end with him telling the country that his imaginary friend has a list of ten things that he doesn't want us to do, and if we do these things he will send us to the fire dimension where we will scream in merciless pain and suffering until the end of time...but also that he loves us.

"Unless you're a faggot Marmite miner," added Benedict, "then you get a fasttrack pass straight to Satan's shithole."

If we obey then we are greeted with eternal bliss which the Vatican has promised to the best kind of joy imaginable. Father Vicenza claimed with a gleeful smile that "it's an even better feeling than the tight grip of a choir boy's rectum!"

Meanwhile, Benedict XVI's right hand man, Cardinal Kasper has labelled Britain a "Third World country". Matthew Doman from North London commented: "A third world country he says? Oh no, I think he's confusing us with Botswana. You see, we don't have a raging AIDS epidemic because some fucking whacko told the vulnerably uneducated that they shouldn't wear a connie."

However, many have found positive aspects of the Nazi's visit. Jason Flint from Glasgow told PressPoke, "My little one loves the Popemobile and he even asked his Holiness if he could have a ride in it! Didn't you, you cheeky rascal!"

The eight year old responded, "Yes, and he told me I couldn't but if I went and saw Father O'Doyle he'd sort me out with some kind of ride."

"This is How Ya Do It!" say Muslims

Muslims around the world have demonstrated to Pastor Terry Jones how to do a hate filled, racist protest properly.

Pastor Terry Jones...apparently.

Jones, the only Pastor in the world to run a Church smaller than his moustache, pulled out from his plan to burn a couple of copies of the Koran on September 11th. In response Muslims across the Middle-East have grouped together to desecrate American flags, pictures of Terry Jones and shout for Allah to send an eternity's worth of agonising pain, AIDS and rape upon American women and children.

A sign in Pakistan read, "Death to America and Pastor Jones for having no balls!"

One woman who had just ripped apart the Stars and Stripes using only her teeth said, "The West make us laugh until we vomit and become very angry! They think they can be racist bigots. HA! We show you how to be a racist bigot Pastor Terry Jones!

She then ran away adding, "ALLALALALALALALALLALAH!!!"

Imran Bakish, a thirty-four year old Muslim who enjoys commanding theological death upon the West in his spare time said, "All we are saying is if you're gonna do it, do it properly.

"Don't spend the whole week stirring the shit and acting all Billy Big Bollocks and then right at the last moment pussying out because you 'got a message from God'

"And for Mohammed's sake, go full out! Burning a couple of books? That's amateur stuff. Descend into the streets yelling for merciless torture and destruction upon an entire group of people purely because of their race, nationality or religion - the more rage induced xenophobia, the better.

"Finally, put some effort in and build some effigies. We made an effigy of you Pastor Jones, and then set it alight and tore it apart like rabid dogs. It took us little over half an hour - it's not hard. In fact the ones we made of you could have been anyone, half of them didn't even have a ridiculous moustache that resembles the bottom end of a broom. My mate Mohammed - no not that one - he premakes them ready for the next hate campaign against the West. He has about twenty in his mum's basement right now. He often says to me, 'Hey Imran, do you know when the next effigy burning's going to be?' and I say 'Ah, probably in a couple of months we'll find something to shout a shitstorm about.'

"See, it's just a matter of preparation, a little imagination, some glue, idiocy and a box of matches.

"Grow some balls you stupid old bastard."

Millions Mishear and Burn a Kerrang!

People all over the world have reportedly misheard Pastor Terry Jones' calls to burn a copy of the Koran on September 11th and instead have whole heartedly began setting alight to copies of teen grunge mag Kerrang!

Retro copies will definitely be burned!

Jake Lyndhall from Croydon, heard about Pastor Jones' cause on the radio, he then went and stockpiled over five hundred copies of Kerrang! magazine and invited all his friends, family and neighbours over to burn the lot.

"I heard what Pastor Jones was doing," said Mr. Lyndhall, "and I thought, 'That's a bloody great idea!' I once picked up a copy of that magazine in a Tesco Express and it was chocka full of narcissistic pricks, PR dictated music 'reviews' and general nonsensical bullshit.

"So yeah, I went out and bought south London's entire stock and thought I'd make a night of it. Loads of us are gonna have a right good laugh burning, ripping and shitting on copies of Kerrang! We've got some party games as well, such as pin-the-flaming-arrow-on-Anthony-Kiedis'-twatish-face (July '06 edition) and Kerrang! bobbing in a dirty bog."

Millions across the world have gleefully joined in with the mass destruction of the magazine unaware that the hate campaign was originally aimed at destroying the Islamic holy book, the Koran.

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Social Sciences at Stratton University commented: "The ironic thing to arise out of all of this is that burning copies of Kerrang! magazine on 9/11 makes just as much sense as burning the Koran.

"The people who flew those planes into the Twin Towers had about as much to do with Kerrang! magazine as they did with the Koran. You can attach whatever you want to a terrorist cause but at the end of the day all they're just raving bloody nutters.

"In fact if they'd said they'd done it because of Kerrang! we all would have found an interview with some mental Norwegian black metal band who supported terrorism against the US, pinned it on the entire country and maybe we would have ended that war within the same fucking year!"

Meanwhile Jake Lyndhall said, "Kor...Koran? Oh, Koran! As in the centrepiece of the Muslim religion. Ah, I see. Haha, I thought he said 'Kerrang!' Oh, haha, what a mix up! But, hang on...he wanted to...to do that? To the Koran? Oh, Jesus Christ! He's a fucking mentalist!"

Tony Blair's Memoirs Retitled "A Journey to the Centre of Hell"

Tony Blair's memoirs which are to be released on Wednesday have gone through two title reformations, from The Journey to A Journey and finally, A Journey to the Centre of Hell.

"I don't give a shit if you're Catholic."

The issue surrounding the title of the book as been laid down to various marketing strategies by publisher Random House. A spokesman said: "The concern originally was that the 'The Journey' sounded too egocentric, some said it was even approaching messianic so we made the snap decision to change it to 'A Journey'.

"However, when we thought about it for a while we said to each other 'hang on, Tony Blair isn't messianic at all, he's the opposite. The bloke's an absolute bastard!' so we added on '...to the Centre of Hell' because that's certainly where he's heading."

Another major alteration to the book will be a 500 page epilogue that has been written by a ghost writer describing Tony's future journey through the nine layers of Lucifer's evil domain. Readers can enjoy detailed descriptions of how he will face Cerberus, the three headed demon dog before swimming through a thirty mile lake of fire only to be tortured by faceless harpies for eternity using a pineapple, a pair of rusty wire cutters and a naked spectre of Ann Widecombe.

"Tony wasn't entirely happy with this addition," said the Random House spokesman Jake Lyndhall, "but y'know, we've got books to shift and we want to appeal to a demographic that consists of more than sixty year old Telegraph readers and Oxbridge students called Ralph and Edgar.

"Oh, and also we've removed his opening quote which was originally,  

"All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions." - Adlai E. Stevenson

and replaced it with...

bastard noun

1. A person born out of wedlock.
2. A viscous, despicable or thoroughly unliked person. 

         e.g. Oi Frank, isn't that Tony Blair a right bastard!
                Yeah, what a cunt.

"He didn't like that much either," added Mr. Lyndhall.

Critics are already raving about the book and especially the epilogue, one noted "a great bit" towards the end "where he has to face his own sins in the third circle of hell and so he gets to experience what it's like to have armed soldiers bust down his front door and murder his wife whilst a mortar shell blows his childrens' arms and legs off.

"That was top stuff!"

Facebook Expand Orwellian Empire

Personal details guzzler Facebook have released a new feature that tracks where you are, what you're doing and what kind of toilet paper you use to wipe your arse, it was revealed today.

Big Brother is Watching You

The feature, entitled 'Places' will allow Facebook users to update their status with their current location on the Earth's surface which the social media giant says "will significantly enhance their social experience".

However, today Mark Zuckerberg, the smug little nerdy shit who founded Facebook, admitted that it was all a guise in order to gain even more precious personal details of half a billion people.

"Facebook profiles have become ID cards on a global scale," he said chuckling, "and the best thing is they're voluntary!

"We've expanded our ID scheme slowly and have successfully made 500 million people tell us absolutely everything about them. People forget that when Facebook started all you put in was your name, university and a picture of you petting your cat. Now I can tell you where any Facebook user is at this exact moment, as well as who they are romantically engaged with and which nostril they picked this morning.

"Come on, test me!" he added laughing manically, "TEST ME!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAGH!!"

Professor Paul Jackson, head of Political Sciences at the University of Stratton has warned against this for a long time: "I started growing weary of Facebook back in 2008 when they seemed to think it was perfectly fine to start splashing your personal details around like a drunk scouser having a slash.

"Every company with a name has a Facebook application so that they can access every little bit of information about you, you reckon the CIA and MI5 don't have access to that also? Herr Zuckerburg was only talking to the Prime Minister and President Obama a few weeks ago!

"They are literally ID cards, think about it; you have a unique ID number, your actual name, your gender, age, where you were educated, where you grew up, what you enjoy doing and even your taste in books, music and movies. That's more than they could fit on a sodding ID card and the ironic thing is we've gone to the fucking trouble of making them ourselves!

"All these people were protesting in Whitehall a year ago about Gordon Brown trying to introduce ID cards and they were updating their statuses at the same time - 'In Whitehall telling the government to shove their Orwellian policies up their arse! Hands off our personal details!' - you bloody idiots! You've already given it all to them with a nice updated profile picture of you causing drunken havoc in Baskingstoke town centre!"

Zuckerberg commented: "The best thing about people is that 99% of them won't give two squirts of piss if something infringes upon their basic human rights as long as it makes telling their friends about their pointless little lives that much easier."